[dadfor2]

hi all,
as some know me from here, i just wanted to share the good news that my older son will be adopted on may 24.

as most know, we have been through hell and back with him, and well, its time.

the last few months have actually been very hard due to him testing, but lately he seems to have settled in now, and believes that this is actually going to happen.

i really havnt been on the forum all that much in the last year, but life happens. I just wanted to share with you guys the good news.

i wish i could say id like to end the post there, but well, things might be great for my older son. My younger son, when they fight, cries and says he doesnt want us to adopt our older son.

I know its because he is angry at him, at that moment, but my older son gets really sad when his brother says it.

I have talked to my younger son, but when he is mad, well, he is mad. Of course within the next hour, they are 'brothers' again, and life is back to normal.

but im wondering what is really going on? has anybody had this kind of situation where the sibling is flip floppy on adoption of their sibling.

im sure its common, and i think i get it, but it kills me to see my older sons face when he says it.

anyway, as for more of an update.....

my older son has gotten student of the month a few times, and my younger son, got the principle award last month, which is pretty huge in his school.

we took him off clonidine, he was on such a low dose and only took it at night, but im wondering if that is what it was.

he still is an anxious kid, but who knows. maybe he also is settling in.

[sdiedre]

I feel kind of silly offering any kind of opinion, as it is clear you have far more parenting experience (congrats on your sons' achievements!!), but I had an immediate reaction to your younger son's comments that I wanted to share....

Kids are definitely emotional tuning-forks and seem to lock in on what gets the biggest reaction. I have absolutely no doubt that the first time he commented on your older son's adoption it was an instinctive reaction. After that, though? I think he probably knows that it gets a big reaction and it should get an equally big consequence. This is all about empathy, and continuing to cause that kind of emotional pain should be a major no-no.

I remember as a very young child telling my mother I hated her and being in awe when she burst into tears. Despite the pain and shame I felt in causing this, there was a certain amount of power that I didn't hesitate to use the next time she thwarted me. I stopped when she stopped giving me the reaction, AND when dad sat me down to tell me how disappointed he was and the next time was going to result in serious consequences (no clear idea of what those were! LOL)

I guess what I am saying is that your older son is NOT in a position to defend or protect himself from this kind of emotional warfare, so you may need to really step in and put your foot down on the comments. Speaking in anger is NOT an excuse no matter what the age......

[crick]

Been a long road for you dad....congratulations on your adoption and I hope both of your boys continue to heal. They've done a lot of work on themselves and now it looks like there is a sibling healing to take place. Hopefully it will happen soon!

[ajjhmf]

Hey Dad,

Good to here from you! Congrats on you adoption..I know it's been a long time coming!

Blessings,
Jenny

[rsbg]

Congrats on the adoption! That is a relief, I am sure!

No advice to give on the "brotherly love", as mine fight like cats and dogs... I just wanted to say congrats!

[aMarylandfamily]

So glad to hear you have reached this point ... having experienced similar situations we definitely understand the significance of this for you and both boys.

The arguing and inflicting of hurtful words/feelings is very typical in this scenario ... as long as they are returning to "being brothers" after a spell I wouldn't worry about it ... and as they get another year or two older you may have to push for that "returning to brother status" but that too is very normal!

Keep us updated ... we love sharing in all phases of this!

[Lorraine123]

Congrats dad!!! I know its been a long hard road for all of you!

[SAHmom]

Congratulations!

[kay]

Dad,
I'm glad to hear your great news - congratulations!

[sallyshore]

Just want to second the poster who said the hurtful words are not okay. Simply, and unemotionally, you should tell the child that his behavior is "not okay" and that he can express his anger by saying he is angry, but not by hurting. If it continues, some sort of consequence should be in order.

Talking about this and how it hurts the adoptee is important to both of them. You might want to talk with each individually about how and why this hurts and both together, too. Feeling like an accepted member of the family is VERY hard for newly adopted kids, and often lingers in that they never truly feel totally a part of the family and totally accepted. This could be talked about, too. Most kids add to this their issues of loyalty to the bio family -- if I accept this new family, I am being disloyal to the original family. Also good to be discussed. The more all this is out in the open and the feelings involved talked about, the better.

Good luck!
sally

[spitzlvr]

DAD!!!

CONGRATS!!!! I am so happy for you and your family.

I have no advice for your son, but had to pop in to tell you how happy I am that you will be a family!