[bostonbeagle]

Hi everyone,
I wanted to update you guys! We visited our placement last month,and thinks went ok! He is 11 years old. We was told he is a good kid,we read profile entirely back and forth! He had a medical issue,whick turned to be a blockage in his intestine,which cleared up,and has to take a laxative powder. I didn't know any severe behavior issues,except after we left I call him on the phone,and he doesn't talk to us,usually yes sir no maam! Foster mom told me his grades have been slipping in school in 3 classes,and she has already had to see the principal over him on the bus. He is very disruptive,and won't stay in his seat,one time and he is off the bus. I wonder if it us,if he moving out of state to us,and behaviors are starting to pop up or what! We are not forcing this kid here,we have both said,due to our last experience!
Or maybe Im just getting to hyped up,and this is a trasition issue!
Any ideas!
Beagle

[momraine]

I think it could very well be a transition issue. Moving to a new town and new family is very, very scary! Especially if he has had some not so good parents in his past. If that is so, then he is also going to wonder if you will abuse him, or hurt him or what. He may wonder if he can still do what he likes, say baseball or whatever. He may wonder if the new school will be harder. Change is very scary for kids. Ha, it's scary for adults. If the behaviors suddenlys started up after his visit from you and he knows who you are and why you visited, then it probably is a reaction to the fear of change. Even if the kid really, really wants to be adopted and really liked you, it's still scary to move far away.

[2manyks]

i agree. maybe you could send some pictures. his new bedroom, school, the ball park, anything that would interest an 11 yo boy. write him. then he can read the letters over and over. he may write you back. alot of things are easier written then said.

[mrsred]

He is probably nervous about the move, and acting out because he is feeling confused. that doesn't mean it is a bad placement, or that he doesn't want it... just that he is scared.
And as for the phone thing... my 11 year old biological, well adjusted 11 year only naswers me in monosyllables on he occassion I have spoken to him on the phone. I think it's a guy thing.

[waited2long]

Not sure about the other things....
But some kids don't do well on telephones. When my half-brothers were young (big age difference), it was like pulling teeth to get more than two words out of them on the phone.

Your 11 year old may be the same way.

[momraine]

Ditto on the sending pictures. Another thing you can do if he reads well. (this would have appealed to one of my son's, but not the other who doesn't enjoy reading) would be some sort of a silly family newsletter. Add some newsy things about the house and the pets or whatever. Add one article about meeting him and how awesome you thought he was. (in case he is wondering if you liked him, after all, you called but have not come back and kids think in the here and now, they don't think about paperwork and the cost of travel) How you can't wait to see him again and how you are getting his room ready. You can have a FAQ column in the newsletter and ask yourselves questions like what happens to kids in your house if they get in trouble? Do you hit kids? Do you go to church? Do you like baseball? etc. You might be able to get some hints from his fostermom. YOu can add things about holidays and how you celebrate. You could even add that you are hoping your future son will give you guys some ideas of fun traditions to add to the family. This will reassure him that if there is something that is special to him, like the toothfairy giving a silver dollar or opening one present christmas eve, or pizza on Fridays, that it might continue. Add lots of pictures and then either e-mail or mail it. Maybe do one a week till he gets there. Always mention him in it, the talk on the phone or whatever and something about what you are doing to get ready and more pictures and more questions. And something newsy, it can be something funny. Your headline can be the dog knocking over the trash and use lots funny descriptive words.
Anyway, just an idea.

[aMarylandfamily]

I too totally expect some of the acting out is the "I'm moving, I'm scared" as well as "I'm moving, I can do anything I want ... what you gonna do about it" ... our ds has had that several times when the job has relocated us ... as well as the challenge many of these kids try "will they still take me if I am bad!" ... make sure you are consistent in all areas including enforcing any consequences the foster family places on the child for such actions during the transition time ... it is important he get the same message from both worlds - past and future!

With regard to the phone thing ... our ds also provides 1 word answers ... sometimes 2 if we are lucky when speaking with us but put a peer/friend on the phone and he can chat for hours ... think its not even the guy thing but the pre-teen/teen thing going there ... along with a touch of "if I say something wrong, will they run" ... again consistency in conversations, actions (including consequences) and affection build stability during this timeframe - for him and you too.

Keep us posted - remember lots of advice does wonders in putting the puzzle together for your situation so it really is valuable in volume!

[sdiedre]

One last perspective on the phone issue - I am a chatterbox, both in print and in person!

BUT - I HATE to talk on the phone, and usually will do little more than get to the point and get off. I think it is something to do with the fact that I can't really see the person to 'read' them. For me, that makes it impersonal and therefor, uninteresting. For your future fs this may make it surreal and a little frightening.....think about it - he's talking to his future parents! Yikes! And yet, you are little more than a voice on the phone still.

I like the advice given below.....talk to him, tell him about your day/week, but don't push him to contribute too much. This way, he's still getting to know you without pushing him to give more than is comfortable over a very impersonal mode of communication.

Does that make sense? Hope so - I was up late last night and am still a little groggy....need more coffee!