[zebramom]

My husband just asked me what I'd like to do for Mother's Day.

Shorty is actually interested in the day, and they have been talking about it in pre-school. I haven't seen any changes in her behavior, but I have been crabby all week waiting for the Mother's Day meltdown.

What I am EXPECTED to do, is go to see T in his treatment foster home, where for the 8th year in a row he can treat me like garbage, and remind me that I'm the wrong mom. That has about as much appeal as having a Brazilian Wax.

What I'd like to do is go to the Mitchell Park Domes, or go to a movie or something, and not have to put up with the hateful behavior. However, if I don't go see my sweet charming child, then social services can use that against me as not trying to bond with my child.

What do I do?

[stevenstwin]

I say do the "should do" on Saturday and then do what you really want on Sunday - or vice versa. But I bet it would be better to have the "reward" after the...uh, Brazilian Wax equivalent! I'm sorry you have to go through that. No mom deserves to feel like crap on Mother's Day.

[Lylac]

Z, thats a hard call. Your danged if ya do ( dealing with T) and double danged if you don't (dealing with T & SS)

stevenstwin has a good idea tho. Hugs Momma!!!

[tybeemarie]

I would never give Social Services a reason to say I wasn't trying to bond with my kid. And I agree with you that if you said, "He is going to be horrid, it's hurtful to me, and really, not a therapeutic experience for him, to practice rejecting me, " which is 100% true, they would not get it, and they would hold it against you. Will this visit be unpleasant? Almost certainly. You still need to go. Let's make plans on this thread about how to make it less unpleasant.

1. At least part of the day has to be spent with Shorty, and Social Services cannot make a legitimate argument that you are wrong to give attention to your daughter. Sadly, with attachment affected kids, Mother's Day is going to be a gamble whatever their age, but it's a good sign that she's excited about the day. So, you can get your tank filled up with her.

2. A plan should be made for the recovery from Mother's Day. If it were me, I would go directly from the visit to a day spa or to a movie theater showing a funny movie or to a swimming pool.

3. A plan should be in place for all the ways he can make Mother's Day horrible.

Example: "You aren't my real mom. I wish I had another Mom."

Okay, so what' the response to this one? There's the Love and Logic standard, "Thanks for sharing." A response that occurs to me is, "Well, apparently God disagrees with you, because He put us together. And, as you know, God calls the shots." I bet the longsuffering parents on this board can think of lots of good comebacks. I don't have a lot of experience with this one, because my oldest doesn't have it in her to express herself this honestly, but that is what she's thinking. So I know the icky feeling.

Example: An empty glare of contempt. (I have a lot of experience being on the receiving end of this one, no fun.) Perhaps you could take this as your cue to daydream of happier things. I would maybe silently plan my summer vacation, or which spa treatments I'm getting after the visit, or I don't know, you're a Bible study girl, maybe you could recite Psalms in your head while he's doing that. Whatever you need to do to check out.

Example: violence. This is your get out of jail free card! I would say that in this instance you leave immediately. More time for spa treatments!

Maybe a mantra would help? Something to say in your head the whole time you're there?

Keep in mind that we're all behind you. You're not alone. And there's chat on Tuesday! Hey! Could we organize a Sunday night Mother's Day chat? I think that merits its own thread. That could help a lot.

Hang in there!

[zebramom]

Thanks for the great suggestions ladies.

We just had our in-home therapy session, and I posed this question to the therapist. Get his opinion on record. He also said danged if you do, danged if you don't, but then he asked an interesting question. What would T say if we asked if he wanted to spend the day with me?

I said if we were going to lunch or something where he would benefit he'd probably say yeah, come up, but if it were just a "visit" he probably wouldn't care either way.

He also said that by giving him the choice if we do go up and things turn bad and we get the inevitable question "why did you even come up here" we can answer with "well, you wanted us to".

I'll probably break down and do the obligation thing, but will not give T a chance to benefit from this at all. I do like the idea of doing it on Saturday. And Tybee, I think a day at the spa sounds good. Thanks for the reminder.

[waited2long]

Maybe a compromise?

10:00 a.m.
See your son by taking him to breakfast on Mothers Day, leaving an hour or so after breakfast in case he is able to visit longer back at the Treatment Foster Home.

12:00 noon
Vegetate/relax by just driving about or sitting in a park...

1:00 p.m.
Go out to lunch with daughter and spend about an hour with her after...

3:00 p.m.
Go somewhere alone... spa... whatever you like.

6:00 p.m.
Dinner with your husband, alone, just the two of you.


This is just my idea... a busy day, with the rest of your family, may help counter-act any negative things from your son.

[SAHmom]

Tough call! What did you do and how did it go?

[zebramom]

He is doing some work for foster mom today to earn some money. She suggested I just call, since I'll be seeing him tomorrow when he gets his braces on.

Works for me