[y2jasmine]

Hello...

I don't even know where to begin and I don't even know if I'm posting in the right spot. Please forgive me if this is not the right spot.

A quick intro - My name is Jasmine and I have been married since August 2003 to Norm. We live in Ontario, Canada and chose to foster in early 2003. Two wonderful boys came to live with us and have been with us ever since. They are 12 and 13 and currently on adoption placement with us. In July 2005, our daughter came to live with us from a town 8 hours away. She is going to be 6 years old in June.

My husband and I are on the verge of divorce because of our adopted daughter.. She has so many special needs that were either hidden from us before the adoption or came out since the adoption was finalized.

Here is a quick list of the ones we knew about before the adoption:
1- She has Partial Fetal Alcohol Syndrome
2- She was diagnosed with failure to thrive and has trouble gaining weight
3- She has a food disorder - she has no idea when she is full
4- She has poor muscle tone and went to occupational therapy
5- She had delays in speech and language. She also did not walk until the age of 18 months.
6- Foster home #1 was charged with neglect and she was removed from there at 11 months of age by force.
7- She is lactose intollerant

Here is a list of what we have discovered:
1- Foster home #2 emotionally, physically, and probably sexually abused her
2- She has a sleeping disorder - she does NOT sleep without medication other than through pure exhaustion
3- She has recently been diagnosed with an abnormal EEG (brain scan) and further investigation for a seizure and/or brain disorder is being done
4- She can NOT control her food cravings. She will take food anytime she is left unattended. Due to this she has a lock on her door at night. Her school bag has recently had to be locked also. She also takes food from kids at school.
5- She has learned coping skills that are difficult to deal with including - stealing, lying, manipulation.
6- She has a lack of sympathy towards others. If you cry, she shows no emotion.
7- She defecates (bathroom) in her floor vents/grates and then pushes it far enough so it can not be retrieved.
8- She tantrums near daily causing us to try commando parenting (removal of everything in her room but her mattress and a potty) - but due to her lack of attachment it doesn't seem to bother her.
9- She is aware of the rules, but will not follow any of them is she knows the person watching her doesn't know them
10- She has ADHD and takes Strattera daily
11- She will do fine for a while and then without warning start to destroy things - such as peeling wallpaper, coloring on walls, destroying things dear to her.
12- She has started to colour on the wall with her own blood that she gets by biting her lip to make it bleed
13- She will bite my finger and/or scratch me when she does not want to take her sleeping medication
14- She has begun to accuse the two boys of things just so she can get attention (last week she told the school that the older boy sexually abused her).
15- When she doesn't want to - she refuses to follow any rules. She has nearly been kicked off her school bus for violating nearly every rule. She "slept" at my grandma's house once and repeatedly poked her eyes and turned on lights.

Anyway, there are probably more issues that I'm stating. I'm just trying to write some of the ones that come to my head while I'm writing this post.

So, here's the reason for the probable divorce:
I have come to the conclusion that this may all be too much for us to handle. My husband and I did not receive training in most of these issues, nor did we originally accept a child that had these issues. The stress has been so unbearable on my family that the boys no longer want to watch her ever. I have also taken stress leave from work since January. I am also constantly sleep deprived as during times of sleep she requires medication every 5-6 hours which means staying up to 12:30 AM nightly and then getting up at 7 AM to either give more medication or get her ready for school.

Basically I feel that things much improve soon OR we should talk to the Children's Aid Society to put her in a treatment foster or adoptive home. My husband disagrees - he would rather end the marriage and take full custody of her. He then has said that he can not manage 3 kids and so I could have custody of the 2 boys and he could see them "on some weekends and holidays".

How did my life come to this?

He also says that it is all my fault. He says that I should just "suck it up". He says that he will not give up one her. I say that I would not be giving up on her. I would be ensuring that she gets the help that she needs. The help she needs to thrive in this world.

Being at our house, she is not thriving. There is so much tension because of her. It is really indescribable...

I don't understand how or why he could chose her above everyone else. He would rather have her, than me or the boys. I can't even imagine trying to explain that one to the boys. It's like - sorry boys, Norm really likes you (says he loves them actually) but you can't live with him - only his daughter can. Why, you ask, well it's because he won't give up on her.

ANYWAY...
Has anyone else dealt with this? I'm nearly at the end of my rope and I don't know what to do.

[Tudu]

You are in the right place, many of us are dealing with the behaviors you describe. I have no advice, just making sure you know I am here.

[lucyjoy]

Ack! Believe it or not, what you are describing is more common then SWer's like to admit.

You might start with Home and Adoption.com - Information on International, Domestic, Child & Agency Adoptions, Stories, Laws - .org for information and resources that might help you.

Many marriages are broken up by children with the serious disturbances you describe. Generally, the moms see more of the negative behavior where the dad's get the sweet parts. It makes it tough for the dad's to see how serious the children's illnesses are. Not having mom and dad as a working team makes it easy for the child to triangulate.

There are therapies and parenting techniques that can help these children and some that can help families beable to coexist with children who have these issues.

Hang in there and post away. You might also visit the blogs on this site-especially the reactive attachment disorder blog.

[zebramom]

You are dealing with a child with major attachment issues, and more than likely some gastro intestinal issues partly caused by the fetal alcohol. This is not your fault at all!

Even the best marriages can be strained with emotionally healthy kids.

I have a friend in Canada who may be able to offer you some resources and guidance if you're interested.

Have you read the book "When Love is Not Enough" or seen any of the Nancy Thomas stuff? There are great articles on her webiste. Attachment Disorder help from Attachment.org - Nancy Thomas Parenting

Please keep posting. We're all in the same boat. We have been, or still are, where you are. You are not alone.

[Lorraine123]

I wish I could give you a hug. I totally understand everything you are saying. It is SO tough to live with these kids. And they are so good at manipulating, that the situation you are describing about your husband isn't as rare as it should be. Is your daughter in therapy? If you go to attachment therapy, the therapist will help you develop therapeutic parenting skills that make living with these children a little easier (easier, not better). I have no advice for you but I wanted you to know that I understand. Hugs to you.

[skirbo]

You are definitely in the right spot. You'll get some great advice here, and plenty of comic relief, too.

Sarah

[mommytoEli]

i think it is more common than we know, too. once we got a call to take in a baby that was 11 months old. she had been in a fost/adopt home, was nearly adopted, and then disrupted b/c the couple was divorcing. she had lots of letters (FAS....) after her name, too. the sw SWORE up one side and down the other that the divorce had NOTHING to do with the baby....but if i had a nickel for everytime a sw swore something that was not true, i'd be a rich woman. in the end, we said no.

i don't have any wise advice for you, b/c if i did, i'd have already used it on myself. but i just wanted you to know, that what is happening to your family, happens to others (sadly) and that you are not alone.

[qs mom]

You ARE in the right place. And this happens more than you think.

I don't have any first hand advice. Does your daughter see a therapist? Do you participate in family therapy? I think each would be beneficial.

I think that the damage to your marriage may not be repairable. Although I have never been married, so take it for what you want. I get a feeling that your husband is in a fantasy world regarding your daughter. I think that he thinks he is her 'sole saviour' and that you just don't care enough. I don't think I could live with my spouse feeling that way about me. But, again - never married, don't know you or your husband, just your post.

I'm just over the river in Buffalo. If you ever want to just talk, let me know.

Coming here to 'talk' is one of the best things you could do.

[2manyks]

you need to get some help right away. i had a pretty *normal* family until A came along. i actually found help through united way. i also got some anti-depressants. it helps me to not be so personnally bothered by all of A's antics. you are in the right place. we are all dealing with issues you are dealing with - they are normal for us, lol! keep coming back and we are all here for you. it can get better!

[teachbear]

Is your adopted daughter reciving any services thru the school for learning problems? There are several eating disorders where people eat everything, it might help to research this.
A couple of ideas, could you go away for a long weekend with the boys and leave your husband with your daughter, maybee that would help with his perceptions. Two are their any residential treatment facilities or bording schools that could work with her needs? I would also agree that therapy for her and the whole family would be helpful. I wish you luck with a difficult situation.

[tybeemarie]

So sorry you are going through this. We on this list know more than we thought we ever would about just the things you describe.

I would recommend getting some resources on attachment disorder and therapeutic parenting right away. I love Nancy Thomas's approach--our family would never have made it without her! She is the author of When Love is Not Enough. I also think Katherine Leslie is a genius, she is the author of When a Stranger Calls you Mom.

These kids can be tough on marriages, particularly when the dad is being snowed. You all need some respite, pronto. I know, easier said than done. But really, it is worth the trouble of arranging.

You're in the right place.

[Dhewco]

Are you talking about Prader-Willi Syndrome? OR is it something more along the lines of something more psychological?

In Prader-Willi, the body is incapable of feeling full, so therapies don't work. PW is genetic.

Everything I've read on the web about PWS tells us that it would be dangerous for a person with PWS to live alone, so she'd probably need a therapeutic or assisted living home of some sort the rest of her life.


David

[waited2long]

I have no parenting or marital experience....

I agree with teachbear... Find a way to leave your Husband alone with your daughter as often as possible. An entire weekend is good, a whole week might be better. From what I read, these kids can be good "actresses", but I don't see any kid sticking to that act for extended periods.

Maybe Dad should become more involved at home? Wake kids in the mornings... get breakfast... check homework... clean kitchen with them in evenings, do bedtime routine ie, teeth brushed, bathed, pajama'd, etc...

It sounds like Dad has no idea what goes on in the home, it's time he learned.

[Lorraine123]

I don't see any kid sticking to that act for extended periods.

I disagree. These kids can stick to for a VERY long time if it proves their point.

[vesw01]

Ok, I just spend two full days with Nancy Thomas at a conference - what an amazing woman. Inspired me to no end, but more importantly I met parents who were dealing with what I was and found out I am not alone. My husband and I were/are on the verge of divorce and my relationship with my 14 yr son has been hurt badly, all over our 12 yr old fd who has major attachment issues.

She is beautiful and smart, which makes her more dangerous. She can manipulate and lie like the best of them. After my two days with Nancy and the other parents, I had the strength to say enough is enough. I laid down the law today with the agency and they said they weren't going to help us, so we asked for her not to come home. My husband and kids are so much more important than that. BTW my husband had a VERY difficult time seeing our daughter for what she was doing. It was killing me and my husband would take her side (daddies little girl). Anyway, I hope we are on our way to recovery.

Good luck and pm me anytime.