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I know this is off-topic again...but this board is the only place I can think of to get sound advice on something like this. I found Rick...the biodad of my 4yo daughter. I am her biomom- and my husband wants to adopt her (because he's really been her "dad") We have a meeting with a lawyer scheduled for the 11th, and i want to know terms and where everyone stands beforehand to make it a smooth and low-as-possible-cost process.

Rick has never had contact with her, though he and I have had contact with each other from time to time. We had an agreement to keep in touch so that when she was ready she could meet him. I thought that meant at like...age 7 or 10 or 15 even. I found Rick for the first time in 2y today to talk to him about proceeding with the adoption, and he was very reluctant. He's been acting as a "dad" in his current household for almost two years now, and says that he's been thinking about her a lot and wanting to meet her. I said that I could bring him pictures of her, but that I didn't feel that she was ready to meet him. It wasn't fair to her. I also told him that I had been open with her about him, which he seemed to like. He asked a lot of questions about her, and if I still had the book I made her about him when she was a baby. He talked with me openly. I really regretted having to take my friend to work, because for the very first time since my daughter was born we were just talking. About my cat, about his girlfriend's kids, about old friends.

This was very different than 2 years ago. Then, he was very elusive, would look anywhere but at me if I went over to talk to him, always angry, although I always tried to smile at him and treat him with respect. He accused me of things constantly. He used his wife to ask questions, as she and I got along very well.
Our relationship (5yrs ago)was very violent and unstable. He attempted suicide two years ago (when his wife left him). He has had many hardships in his life...abandonment and abuse by his parents, foster care, was in a mental hospital for a while (he was a minor). He has been in jail for beating a teenage boy into a coma. At sixteen, I thought he was cool (tattoos and long hair, not the violence)...that's gone, but I still care for him, want the best for him and was very pleased with him today. He hugged me and seemed glad to see me, we played with his son, we talked. I had brought a friend with me for moral support, but when I got there they (whole family) made me feel like an old relative. He wants to meet my daughter now, I had orignally wanted her to just say "i'm ready" at whatever age, I've lately wondered if she should wait to meet him until she's 18. I haven't really felt that any of the activities he has engaged in are appropriate for someone involved with a child, but then again...that was before he was ever in the role of a father. People change. ...Somehow saying that doesn't turn off the alarms sounding in my head. I am so confused! I guess my point is- I'm WAY too close to this to make a decision. I've been stressing about it all day long, and the later it gets the more i just feel like crying.

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Originally Posted By Pam

If you don't feel he is appropriate with your daughter, I wouldn't let him see her. Furthermore, I'd make him go to court to get visitation and prove he really WANTS her in his life. It is hard for kids to have here today/gone tomorrow parents. We have an open adoption with our youngest. Her birthmother stays in her life, but her birthfather is so fleeting that I think I'll wait for her to turn 18 to let her see him again.....afraid it will be too hurtful for him to break his promises to her. Basically, we (hub and me) are her parents....we are the ones who raise her and love her on a daily basis. But we know that adopted kids do have feelings for their birthparents and she, fortunately, has an awesome birthmother (not so sure about the birthfather). I welcome everyone into her life who loves her, like we do. I don't think I'd let anyone new enter her life at her age (she is 4). These people have been in her life since we brought her home from the hospital. Sounds like your daughter's biodad is really living right with you and is married to you. A sperm donor doesn't make one a father. Good luck with your decision. I've watched your posts here and, at first, I thought "she's just a kid." I have grown to respect your intelligence and maturity (far beyond your years, I believe). You are a good mother. Trust your instincts on this. You know your daughter best.

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Originally Posted By Pam

I meant, it seems like your daughter's REAL dad is married to you...meaning your husband. Whew! Time to get a few strong cups of coffee!!!! Have a good day I know you'll do right by your daughter

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This is a really tough decision, and I don't blame you for feeling confused. I'd like to tell you what I've seen personally and you can use it for what it's worth in your own situation.

To start, I think you have a wonderful family - you and your husband and kids. You've made some mature decisions, and I admire the way you've handled what has come your way. I have two situations I'm thinking of that may shed some light on your "processing" of a decision.

My brother, who is definitely the black sheep of the family, married a woman with a child, and together they had two children. It was always rocky, and eventually they divorced after 9 years. He was never much of a father, he wasn't abusive, but "absent" for the most part emotionally, and often physically too. My sister-in-law remarried a wonderful man, she requested that my brother terminate his parental rights, which he did, and her husband adopted the children.

Now the children (the oldest just graduated) love their new dad very very much, and he's been "dad" for many years now. However, the youngest, who is a girl, and who was 8 when my brother left for good, and really only knew a few years, was greatly affected. I think she was most affected because he "gave her up". I personally feel that w/o the adoption, the kids' relationship with their step-father wouldn't have been any less.

BTW - I'm still very close to my sister-in-law and niece and nephews.

The next one is just as close to my heart. My husband married very young, 19, and they had a son right away. Before the marriage was two years old, his wife left him. Their marriage was horrible, and the bitterness on both sides was wretched. They were in Germany (USAF) and she moved to England and he moved to CA (where we met). He had no contact with his son for two years because of the extreme difficulty in communication with his ex-wife. In his attempts to see his son she treated him like he was Satan himself. It took six years and the threat of no child support to get her to allow him to even speak to his son on the phone.

Two things about this situation - one is that they were both very young and their relationship was very bad, but once they were apart there was really no reason for her to refuse him contact with his son. We brought them over from England to visit and she was deported during the trip (she had been an illegal alien for six years) and at that time we thought we would be able to see him....nope, we spent two years in court just for visitation rights. Another seven years of battling with her everytime we wanted to see him (or he wanted to see us) and the result? A young man who is extremely angry with everyone, is a drop-out with a criminal record, drug user, and can't (and doesn't want to) keep a job.

Now, my husband is the love of my life, he's gentle, kind, and strong. He's been an awesome father to our girls, coaching baseball, working with the children in Pioneers Club, taking the girls individually on father/daughter weekends with other father/daughter duos to a cabin on the lake where they fish together and play together and the men take Saturday evening and fix a supper for the girls and give them flowers...it's just great! (but yet this man was not good enough to be a parent to his son, according to his ex)

So what is my point? Some of you will not like what I'm about to say - but I've spent a lot of time with men who wanted very much to be fathers and the mothers refused to allow them - as long as a man is not abusive to his child, he should be allowed, even encouraged, to be the best father he can be. We all have room to love, as you all know because you all have room to love "special needs children" and there's room for a mom, dad, step-mom, and step-dad. It doesn't take anything away from anyone, but can only add to a child's life.

Let me again say that I'm NOT advocating encouraging a child to spend time with an adult that may harm them!!

So, my friend, it's a tough decision. Examine his lifestyle as it is now. Has he shown himself to be a danger to the children he currently cares for? Has he shown himself to be responsible toward them? Is he willing to be financially responsible for your daughter? That would be an excellent indicator, men who don't want to be fathers are not willing to pay child support. Ask him some hard questions before you make any decisions. Parenting is a lifetime commitment. What does the mother of his other children say about his parenting? I would suggest that you first discuss this commitment with him and see if he's grown up any?

And lastly, if he is capable of being a father to her, what will she gain from knowing her "real dad" loves her and wants to be with her? He may say "yes, I'll sign her over" and then you're done, He may say "let me be a dad" and you say "yes" and then it's good, the last option is he wants to be her dad and you say no...and he may take you to court, which nobody would want. Whatever the decision, I have confidence that you are a good parent and you'll be able to walk your daughter through whatever comes her way in life.

My prayers are with you. I hope that I've helped.....~Sherry

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Originally Posted By Ashley

My brother (who many of you must know well by now from all my posts) sounds a lot like this guy. He had the long hair and tattoo's and the wild, motorcycle riding lifestyle. To this day I don't understand what my sister-in-law saw in him. He isn't her type and he showed all the signs of future "bad parent". He was agressive, got in fights all the time and never had a kind word to say about anyone. When my sister in law got pregnant we all hoped it would be the circumstance that would change my brother. Of course it didn't and within a year they had divorced. My brother now (8 years later) shows up on my nephews birthday and christmas to drop of hundreds of dollars of gifts. He tells my nephew he loves him and turns around and leaves. Not to be seen until the next holiday. He doesn't pay child support and doesn't do his court ordered visits. My sister in law makes it as easy as can be to see my nephew. She doesn't say a bad word about him (although I think if she did no one would blame her). She has tried in the past to encourage calls, visits, the whole lot. And now she has left it all up to my brother. And he has no contact now that no one is holding his hand.

My question for Rick would be, why hasn't he called in the two years if he wanted to see his daughter? Would he be willing to pay a reasonable child support? Would he be willing to make regular visits? Would he be an involved parent in her life?

What about suggesting the adoption go through and that Rick can have regular visits. An open adoption. She can reffer to Rick as Uncle Rick, or maybe a different special name. But it would be more like a relationship you would have with a cousin rather than a parent. I have tried to get my sister in law to offer this to my brother. That way you know that if anything happened to you that the man who raised her (your husband) would be the one to continue to raise her. I think of how horrible it would be if my sister in law died and my brother would be considered the next living parent. He is not a suitable person to be a father and he has no relationship to my nephew.

Good luck. I hope things work out for your family.

AShley

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The law here, I believe, is that after 6mo of no contact, I could claim abandonment to terminate his parental rights. I don't think I'll have to do that, because though it's hard for him to admit, I think he knows that it's only fair for her dad to be her DAD and he never has been. Ryan went to birth prep classes with me 4 years ago- and he was my labor coach. My real issue is whether or not to allow visits with him. I think I WILL make sure the adoption goes through before establishing anything like that. I presented Rick with the scenario of her being placed with him in the event that something happened to me, and he agreed that it wouldn't be good for her at all. Ryan's the dad...it's that simple- Rick knows it too. I don't really know about his parenting/child skills as I've only been in that house once- yesterday. He seemed very proud of the almost 2yo boy...and the child called him "daddy" several times. I'm trying not to judge him by his past mistakes, but it's hard not to remember. I think that I need to get to know Rick a little bit before judging whether or not he could or would harm my daughter, maybe a 6mo period after the adoption goes through? Your posts have already been VERY helpful, its easier to put this into perspective now. I think sleep may have helped too, though it was difficult to stop thinking long enough to snooze.

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Thank you for the compliment...it really means a lot!!
Your message just gave me a big boost of confidence, and you're right. She's my girl and I'll trust what I feel.

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The law here, I believe, is that after 6mo of no contact, I could claim abandonment to terminate his parental rights. I don't think I'll have to do that, because though it's hard for him to admit, I think he knows that it's only fair for her dad to be her DAD and he never has been. Ryan went to birth prep classes with me 4 years ago- and he was my labor coach. My real issue is whether or not to allow visits with him. I think I WILL make sure the adoption goes through before establishing anything like that. I presented Rick with the scenario of her being placed with him in the event that something happened to me, and he agreed that it wouldn't be good for her at all. Ryan's the dad...it's that simple- Rick knows it too. I don't really know about his parenting/child skills as I've only been in that house once- yesterday. He seemed very proud of the almost 2yo boy...and the child called him "daddy" several times. I'm trying not to judge him by his past mistakes, but it's hard not to remember. I think that I need to get to know Rick a little bit before judging whether or not he could or would harm my daughter, maybe a 6mo period after the adoption goes through? Your posts have already been VERY helpful, its easier to put this into perspective now. I think sleep may have helped too, though it was difficult to stop thinking long enough to snooze.

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I asked my daughter if she had made a decision regarding our last names after the adoption (we both have my maiden name) and she wants to have both last names! I told her that would make her daddy very happy. He was disappointed that I didn't take his last name when we married, but this is kind of what I had in mind then. Somehow...I still am not entirely sure how...our conversation got around to the subject of Rick. She asked if she had ever met him, and she said "I don't miss him, though, because I never even saw him since I was a baby". I told her that I had seen him yesterday and told him what a cool kid she was- she smiled and said "I want to go there!" I told her that he would probably like to read a letter from her, and if she wrote one I'd give it to him. She said "yeah, not right now, but another time I will write a letter to my SPECIAL FRIEND Rick"
Everything will turn out just fine, I'm sure of it.
She is so amazing!

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Originally Posted By louise

...for your daughter. Trust your instincts, your inner voice. And keep listening to your daughter. She will be your best teacher.

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Originally Posted By AC

I'm just going to let you know what I did with my son. His dad is the biggest A**hole you would ever want to meet. BUT, I let him find out on his own. I never said anything bad to him about him and I know he does love his dad and I'm OK with that. I explained to him a long time ago that I wasn't with his dad because he wasn't a good person and didn't treat us well(no type of abuse). Kids are VERY smart, they realize who loves them and who doesn't. His dad has court ordered child support that he doesn't pay; visits and calls when he wants; etc. Now that he's 10 he figured out how this man is. I left everything up to his decision. My son never asks about him and the deadbeat never makes an honest attempt to change and get his act together. Basically, I waited for him to sever all ties then I just enforced them. My son loves my daughter's father(he's been involved with him since age 2) to death and has given me his blessing to marry him cause as he puts it " I like him and he's my dad too and I had him first". As for last names, both my kids have my last name(I hyphenated my daughter's last name) but she only uses my part. Her father never had a problem with it because he said "It'll cut down on confusion and besides I know she's mine". Does my son still have feelings for his bio dad "YES" will he always have feelings for him "YES(good or bad) I don't know". I learned a long time ago that it wasn't my responsibility to make or break that bond. But it IS my responsibility to ensure that my child grows up in a happy and safe environment. My advice to you is if your daughter's bio dad truly wants a relationship let him know it either all or nothing thru her good and bad times. Then let your daughter decide on how much contact she wants. Never give her or him the opportunity to say "You took me/her away because you forced the adoption thing". Just my two cents for all its worth. Good Luck.