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We got a call today to see if we would consider a 10 year old girl (our age range was 6-9). This little girl has been in her one and only foster home for 2 1/2 years and they were in the process of adopting her. Well, a baby that they are also fostering (no relation to the girl) has now become available to adopt. Yep, you guessed it, they now want to adopt the baby instead. Not only that, but they want the girl removed asap because they don't want to foster anymore now that they have their baby! Our sw said this little girl is crushed. She said that she is a great kid, straight A student, no behavior problems and Really wants a family. It makes me sick that the foster parents can just "dump her" back into the system after making a committment to adopt her, and yet be allowed to adopt the baby. I mean, what kind of parents are they going to be to this baby if they are that cold hearted? It just breaks my heart, this kid has already been through so much trauma from the birth home, and now this.

And yes, we will have her file tomorrow.

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Originally Posted By Mike

Talk about odd coincidences. I was called by yet ANOTHER Ohio worker today about a boy she has in her caseload. Travis is also ONE year older than my range (he'll be 14 in August) and has been in the same foster home for three years. Guess what?? Foster parents are now expecting their "own" baby and want Travis moved as soon as a placement can be found, even if it takes a few months. (Mercifully, they won't demand he go NOW) His social worker says he's really hurting. Even though there were no promises made to him, he had hoped this would have been his home.

I'm not sure what to do in this case. His age actually doesn't scare me, but he has a nightmare of a past. Even with my law enforcement background, I winced at some of the things the worker told me. he doesnt act out beyond what a "normal" teenager would and isnt agressive or belligerent.
Of course, he's copped a "street" attitude as a protection measure, but his worker (who sees him a lot) says he's basically just a scared little boy who knows time is running out to find him a home.

Yes, belinda, some foster parents are really selfish people.

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Originally Posted By Jerry

That's really great you're getting a lot of calls. Only having a "business visitors" perspective of Ohio I'm not sure my opinion is worth a whole lot, but...............it appears from what I've encountered "you" are are a rare find! I imagine that your homestudy is being bought and sold on the Ohio social worker black market like an origional "Elvis sweat towel" on e-bay!!!!!LOL!!!!

Seriously, I believe you mentioned a strong asset, and that is your law enforcement background. Plus a confident personality goes a long way. Plus targeting hard to place older boys makes you "someone to know." You've got a lot of good things going for you, even with friends like us !!!LOL!!!

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Originally Posted By Ashley

I can't believe people can be so cold and heartless. They can just turn away the 10 year old that they have been caring for and telling that they would adopt? I think of it like turning away my son. I couldn't do it. You would have to kill me to get him out of my arms. It is because of people like that that my husband and I decided to go into foster care. Because there are so many foster parents who are hurting children all over again! I can certainly understand your anger Belinda,
AShley

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Originally Posted By Mike

Actually, Jerry, I didn't need billboards (though I do LIKE the idea). My homestudy being auctioned off on the "social worker underground", now that's an image. I thought most workers sent your homestudy to that same dark place that socks go to in the dryer. You know, where they're never seen again.

As to my Ohio secret: remember the social worker from Ohio who hit on me? Well, I took her to dinner and wined and dined her. Then, after it all was over, I threatened to tell her supervisor that she was romancing clients. Now, she's forced to do my bidding..... JUST KIDDING!!!!!! I never called her back because I felt uncomfortable with her. Even Ellen jokingly refers to her as "Joan Collins".

I think you are right about being willing to take "hard to place" older boys. This kid they called me about yesterday would probably scare off the faint of heart. You know its a tough placement when the first thing the worker tells you after the initial small talk is: "I'm going to tell you something now that will probably end this call: Travis has a criminal record." OK, that's bad. Once she explained the circumstances to me, I told her that I wasn't scared off. I swear I heard her pump her fist in the air for joy. I won't go into details, but he did a couple of REALLY stupid things while he lived with mom. I asked if there had been any problems in foster care and was relieved to hear "No, just normal teenaged boy squirreliness."

I'm still not sure about this one, but I'll wait till (and if) she calls back. Remember,a 14yo will have a LOT of say as to where he's placed. He may not want to move this far from his friends and a school he's doing well in. And, in this case, I will INSIST on a meeting with him before agreeing to placement. I want him to know a bit about me and my RULES. Could save us both a lot of grief.

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Originally Posted By Pam

As sick as it is, the disruption rate of special needs adoption is 10%. Most is because of the child's uncontrollable behavior...and I do understand if a child is dangerous to the family (most people would have to do something if a biological child was dangerous too). However, a small percentage of adoptive parents have other stories. In my long journey of talking to adoptive parents, I met one lady and man who had adopted 10 kids....at the time. One day I got a phonecall from her. She had been offered another child and was going to take her immediately. This is the story (short and sad): A seven year old girl had been adopted from Korea as an infant. The couple had since had three kids of "their own." The mother was pregnant again and, to quote the family, "We don't have any love left for this girl" (meaning the child from Korea). They gave up their parental rights to her, like she was an old car. It was right around Christmas time and I still remember my friend calling me up and how we both cried over it.

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... should only be accepted if the child is a danger to himself or proving a danger to the other family members. Having had to disrupt for this reason, I can only share the heartwrenching hurt involved in that but at the same time the need to admit reequirements for help beyond what you can offer can be just as important to the child. Any other reason shouldn't be allowed ... these people should be required to pay support, if only for a short time, to account for their preferences that once included this child but now don't!

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Originally Posted By Mike

Jimmy had an adoption disruption, too. You all remember mr. and Mrs. Creamcheese and their idiotic reasons for disrupting with him after six weeks. Well, the kicker (and I think I mentioned this) was that they disrupted the week before Christmas!!! I guess their suburban Christmas wouldn't have been Martha Stewart-perfect with a sad little boy who needed lots of love and reassurance that he was loveable.

Jimmy's worker has already warned me that (if I'm picked) to expect a behavioral MELTDOWN over the holidays.

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And read through it right away. Birth mom has a long history of drug/alcohol abuse and now says that she has cleaned up her act and is ready to be a parent. This little girl, however, says that she DOES NOT want to go back to bmom and wants to be adopted. She does not believe that bmom will ever change and wants a "normal family". This little 10 year old girl is wise beyond her years. She has not seen bmom in over a year and has NO desire to. Bmom says that she will not fight it and will terminate her rights. But you all know how much faith we can put in bmom's promises. DFS does not want to move her until bmom signs termination papers. They expect her to sign them in the next few weeks, however bmom really liked the foster parents and was all set to sign TPR, but now that THOSE people have changed their mind to adopt this girl, DFS is afraid that bmom will change her mind about terminating her rights. So for now we will just have to wait and see what happens with the Keystone Cops of DFS.

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Originally Posted By Pam

They can be very sad times for many adopted kids, even if the kids didn't have a disruption around that time. A good friend of mine, who was adopted at birth, said she always felt sad on all family holidays....especially her birthday and Mothers Day....they reminded her of the birthmother who left her, although she had never met her. After she did meet her birthfamily, she enjoyed the holidays for the first time ever. I thought that was interesting.

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Originally Posted By barki

Some children whose bio family will relinquish parental rights (vs. termination, which is generally non-voluntary) will be waiting for an adoptive home to be found before the parents sign relinquishment papers, so as to not create a legal orphan. Anyway, sometimes these children will be listed as "consent to search", meaning that while the parents haven't signed off on parental rights, they will when an adoptive home is located. Is it possible for your little girl's case to go like that?? What about a reassuring letter to biomom, and if appropriate, talk about an agreement for pix once a year or something?

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Originally Posted By yrand

Nothing suprises me anymore.My girls foster parents are just holding onto them until their own son graduates from high school when they plan to pack up their 40 foot double wide and retire to Arizona!They told us this themselves so when they helped disrupt my placement I knew it was just for the money not for loving these girls as much as we do.Now I'm all for planning ahead but once these kids get a chance to be placed in a permanent home it's time to let go. I'd sooner
chew my own tongue off than stop speaking my mind about the selfish greedy motives of some foster families.

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Originally Posted By louise

...to realize that children are seen as returnable commodities. Three of our kids are with us from disrupted adoptions and it has been profoundly sad to see first hand the effects of those rejections. Ben came to live with us three days before Christmas. Many times the Christmas story came to mind during his first few days in our home. Working with adoptive families I have come to learn that there are so many reasons that people choose to adopt and some of those motivations are not the healthiest. More can and should be done to prepare families for this process. Services need to be available during placement and after the adoption is finalized. The behaviours that accompany feelings of abandonment have to be understood. Professionals in the field need specific training in order to effectively assist families in parenting our adopted children. And the general public needs education in understanding who we are as adoptive families. I do agree that disruptions, for whatever reason, are difficult to understand and on behalf of our children we should be angry and sad. I would submit, however, that if those children are not loved and their needs are not being met, that it is in their best interest to be placed with a family who can do just that.

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Originally Posted By barki

Sometimes I just have to think that there must be more to the story. However, the two disruptions that I personally know about were weird, to say the least. 1) 4 yo child, been in placement for a year, almost ready to finalize and BAM! mom wigs out and says this child must go NOW. We've had too many power struggles about clothes and food and I want her g-o-n-e. No, we can't do counselling for two weeks. We will go to one meeting where you can tell her she's leaving and then I want her out. 2) 2nd case, 2 yo girl and infant girl, one week into placement, Mom can't handle it anymore and wants children gone - NOW. So much so that she drives them back to foster home since arrangements to return them would have to wait another 24 hours if she didn't. Why?? 2 yo was a reluctant bonder, needed TIME, PATIENCE, and TLC to warm up to people. Bio child in home didn't like her. (preschool age bio child) Sometimes these things should have been seen in the screening process, but other times I think it is something that even the adoptive parents didn't see coming. When they finally got this child they'd been waiting, praying and hoping for it was WAY MORE DIFFICULT THAN THEY HAD ANTICIPATED.

There are deeper emotional things going on here, but it boils down to the parents' inability to accept adopting a child that for whatever reason they view as "not normal" or "unacceptable". Remember that "11 o'clock News" mentality stuff. The long and the short of it is that these children didn't add up to expectations and it was more difficult to deal with than anticipated. Yow. For those of you waiting for your placements...the first week is very difficult, the first month is difficult, the second month is difficult, the third month is difficult...ok, you get the picture. There will be emotions that hit you out of left field. Unanticipated hurdles to overcome. Many, many surprises -- pleasant and unpleasant. In short, parenting is hard, but adoption is harder. Not worse, or bad, but harder because of so many things...anxiety, children with a "past", etc.

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Originally Posted By yrand

I believe there should be a special corner in H--L for people who do these things to kids.It seems in vogue to adopt these children from China and Korea by Yuppie types, then when the in-vitro treatments finally kick in they feel justified in turning the old models in like they do their used Lexus and Mercedes.