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And it was much better than I expected - to the point where I'm sort of wondering "Is it possible that everything they said was true?" The next session of pre-adoptive parenting courses start in about 2 weeks - I was hoping we could get into one by the end of the summer and thinking that it could be more like the end of the year So that was definitely a plus!

They also claim that they practice FULL disclosure of all known information regarding the child - not only will they give us access to all written records but encourage (and will help) us to contact the child's present and former foster parents, teachers, doctors, birth family members etc. Their position on disclosure is that the more information the adoptive parents have the better it is for the child. Before placement, they say they will provide therapy and counseling to assit the child with transition into the adoptive family. They will also help the child to create a Lifebook and if possible get a letter of blessing from the birth family for the adoption. They also offer post-placement and post-adoption support.

Now my question for all of you who have "been there done that" is how much of this should I believe and how much is more likely to be "the agency sales pitch"?

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This "sales pitch" is very true ... the agency will attempt to provide all of these things. The biggest area needing noting is the disclosure part and you included it in your words "known information". Many times they don't know anything at all other than the time spent in the state's care ... so you have to be willing to accept that limited information. Regarding contacting others that generally is a case-by-case basis - some people are willing, others are not and preparation before and after is always tried ... sometimes successful, sometimes not ... and most post-adoption services are provided but at a fee but are always worth that fee. So - what you were told is true ... you just have to be prepared to accept the level of truth on a child-by-child basis ... which I will also note is sometimes not in the control of the worker or the agency ... it's just a situation to be handled and conquered.

Not being a wet noodle here - just trying to get you to approach this with open eyes and once you get to placement you'll find it was all worth it!!!

P.S. Regarding your next ? - religion only plays a part in some child-by-child cases - have seen a few write-ups noting the parents must be of a certain faith or tribe but it generally does not apply and most children adapt to whatever it is that is practiced in your home.

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Originally Posted By Pam

We got the entire files of both Raphael and Rayon and talked to their foster parents. In spite of all that we still had kids who were vastly different from their files. I'm starting to think that foster parents just don't have the investment in the kids that we do, so that they miss a lot of important stuff. The therapist who saw Rayon for years in Delaware was also wrong about him....he had fooled her. At this point in time, if I were adopting again, I'd assume that maybe 50% of the information may be accurate. With Rayon it was more like 20% (and we have EVERYTHING t hey had on him, and, in Delaware, I met his foster mom, teacher, and therapist....and we talked to his social worker extensively. He had everyone fooled. Raphael's info was a little more accurate...maybe 40%. The entire staff of Family Services in NJ was shocked to learn that he is NOT mildly mentally retarded (they were all sure he was, as were his teachers, therapists, foster mom, etc) and that he had migraine headaches almost daily (I have NO clue how they missed this!). NONE! He claimed he had migraines all his life, and he would have auras and throw up almost every day due to them. He needed to be put on meds to stop the migraines. I was the first person to ever treat him for the migraines. You get your child and the information based on what they know...which doesn't seem to be a while lot, especially if the kid "holds back." What we have are two files that are pretty useless...the children are the files!!! Good luck

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Originally Posted By po

as a foster parent, I never received a child that was like the description that I was given. Even medical problems were not diagnosed. We have a boy now that had migrains, never treated. Girl had bad nose bleeds that I even took her to the hospital for, andanother girl that was sick all the time. I was told they had strep throat a lot. Here it was all allergies They are much better now.

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Originally Posted By Ashley

Although I have not yet been placed with a foster or adoptive child, I was a social worker for adolescents in the addictions field for a long while. I learned that people are like a constantly changing book. The more you learn about them, the more they learn about themselves, and you have to always be expecting something different around the corner. I had many children who were in the foster care system as patients. I never got all the information when they arrived. I had to do session after session with them, work with them to find out what little information they would allow me. Children are very quiet about their past. They don't trust adults and therefore don't often just offer information. But even my children who came from traditional homes were the same way. Their parents never knew the troubles that they had at school, or the neighbor who molested them or the voices they heard when they were alone.

When we went into this process of adoption and foster care, we just assumed that we wouldn't know most of the information on the children. We weren't bothered with many diagnosis. We have seen many of them in the children we have worked with. There were some that we said would not be acceptable. I had some patients every now and then who had no consious and were very violent and aggressive. I had many death threats in my working past. I knew that a child like that had no place in my home. But I did have many wonderful children in my care who were nice kids with a crapy childhood. Those children were the ones my heart went out to. The ones who led me to decide that one day I would persue adoption. It was because of the children who had bad foster homes that we decided we would open our home to foster children and provide one more safe, loving home.

I would say to always assume that you will only have SOME of the information. Plan to learn more about your child than anyone has to that point. When a child feels safe they will then open up. Children don't always feel safe in Foster care. So the foster parents may not pick up on much. And many foster parents aren't trained to pick up on some of those cues. The social workers don't know everything about a child. The biological parents take on an attitude of "I'm not going to tell you anything!" And that is just the beginning. The child may not know what a "normal" family is and that can be very scary. But I have seen many children settle in and do well. You just have to make sure that they get the counseling they need, the love you can give and the safety that comes with a forever family.

Ashley

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Originally Posted By Graham

I agree. Children often do not open up until theu are in their permanent home, and they believe its real. Also, most therapists are not very skilled at uncovering information that would otherwise be helpful.
Graham.