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I couldn't be shocked/offended/disgusted/etc. at the things people have the nerve to say, I was proven wrong. Yesterday at work (I'm a nurse, pediatric ICU) I spoke on the phone to a colleague who gave birth the day before. When I got off the phone I turned around to say Hi to one of the docs and when she inquired about how our son is, I told her we are in the process of visiting a little girl who we hope to adopt. She looked at me and said, "Is she normal?" What???!!!??? Can you imagine if I'd just have asked my new-mom colleague that when she was telling me about her baby? How offensive! I told her that I thought it was an offensive thing to say and I found it very rude and inappropriate.

Last week my BEST FRIEND told me that she hoped we didn't feel that just because we'd started visitation we were "obligated to take this girl". What???!!!??? Can you imagine if, when she was pregnant, I told her that she shouldn't consider herself "obligated to keep the baby", I mean, what if the baby ended up having something wrong with it?? AARRGGHH!!!!

I really appreciate this board. I think there are VERY FEW people who understand older child/special needs adoption and that most of those people can be found reading/writing to this board! You are all very supportive and compassionate. Thanks!

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Originally Posted By Mike

I totally agree with you. Why is it that it is allright for people to make totally rude comments to those of us trying to adopt older kids? You're SO right about how these things are NEVER asked to people who are pregnant, just given birth, or are adopting babies.

I've found my social circle changing since I began my Adoption Quest. Some good friends have been sidelined becuase they are unable (or unwilling) to accept what I am doing. I've been told I should just "get married and have NORMAL kids", "just get a dog", and "give up on this nonsense. These kids are in foster care becuase they're BAD NEWS" (I ALMOST cold-cocked the friend who said that).

Even my ever-classy sister and brother-in-law have now chimed in. Their newest edict states that, when my son comes, he will NOT be allowed at their house unless I am in the same ROOM with him at all times (I didnt ask if this included the bathroom). Their logic is that they don't want him to be a bad influence on their daughter. I almost repsonded "Well, there goes my plan to distract you while he steals the silver." I just ignore them.

I thank God that I have found NEW friends (even a couple from this board) who i can call when I'm stressed, who can give the voice of experience, and even make a road-trip with.

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I totally agree with you. Why is it that it is allright for people to make totally rude comments to those of us trying to adopt older kids? You're SO right about how these things are NEVER asked to people who are pregnant, just given birth, or are adopting babies.

I've found my social circle changing since I began my Adoption Quest. Some good friends have been sidelined becuase they are unable (or unwilling) to accept what I am doing. I've been told I should just "get married and have NORMAL kids", "just get a dog", and "give up on this nonsense. These kids are in foster care becuase they're BAD NEWS" (I ALMOST cold-cocked the friend who said that).

Even my ever-classy sister and brother-in-law have now chimed in. Their newest edict states that, when my son comes, he will NOT be allowed at their house unless I am in the same ROOM with him at all times (I didnt ask if this included the bathroom). Their logic is that they don't want him to be a bad influence on their daughter. I almost repsonded "Well, there goes my plan to distract you while he steals the silver." I just ignore them.

I thank God that I have found NEW friends (even a couple from this board) who i can call when I'm stressed, who can give the voice of experience, and even make a road-trip with.

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Originally Posted By louise

...if anything it can get worse. I have, over the years, seen friends come and go. It still hurts when the hurtful comments are made. True friends stick around and do what they can to be supportive. The rest can take a hike!!

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Originally Posted By Linda

I have heard those things myself. I can tell you a couple of other things also.

My Uncle's wife (Aunt only by marriage)who is an adoptive parent herself (adopted a wonderful man, whom I adore, when he was an infant) was so ignorant when I was telling her about me getting the kids last April. We were going to a wedding shower and were sitting around chatting and she says,"Why in the world would you want to adopt those kids?( with a nasty sneer on her face) They are taking all of white man's jobs and they are going to take over the world!" My children are Hispanic. My jaw just fell to the floor. Luckily my older sister, who works for the state job service office, said, " Well, you know THEY are the only ones who want to work! You don't know how many wonderful WHITE BOYS are sitting on their ***** waiting for a handout!" Bravo sis!! I did mutter something but rather than start a brawl with my Aunt with everyone else there I just chose to ignore her existance. She is NOT invited to my wedding, where my three gorgeous, bright and wonderful children will be my attendents. Unfortunately her husband is my godfather and I love him very much. I have known her all my life and she is a real "christian" and I can't believe this would be her philosophy.

#2 When I first brought the kids home I took a couple of months off of work. My supervisor is a real jerk who forbade anyone from contacting me. I felt so bad receiving absolutely no phone calls from people I had worked with for four years. We are also an all woman agency and that made it all the more strange. Anyway, for years I have contributed when someone was pregnant and we threw them a shower and bought lovely gifts. We had the parties at our monthly staff meetings and I always gave generously. Well, not only were they forbidden to contact me but nothing, absolutely nothing was done for me or my children. No welcome home cards or congratulatory cards. No come and bring the kids to visit. NOTHING! And we were really struggling. I got absolutely no foster care money for three months and the kids had no clothes to start school in. It was a rough time. Even a gift certificate for dinner out or something would have been nice. McDonalds even. I was really hurt. Then to rub salt in the wound, my supervisor called around Christmas to invite my family to a puppet show at the local college on a Sunday. At work on Friday I wasn't feeling well so SHE cancelled us going. Said we'll do something for you some other time. Just like she said she wanted me to bring them to the office sometime because they wanted to do something and never followed through. Know why I don't feel bad about quitting? I can't wait. I did have one woman at the office who gave the kids stuffed beanie buddies, beanie babies, McDonalds gift certificates, and $50.00 in cash for Christmas. I cried. She was a foster/adopt mother though. She understood. When I quit she shouted, "Hooray!!"

Sorry this is so long, but I have faced it also. Ignore their ignorance. I think you speaking up was great! I don't think others though will ever understand and it is something we have to deal with.

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The first is that we are so awesome and incredible and ought to be sainted for taking on someone else's children (gush gush)..

the second is a really strange look followed by an astounded God BLESS you!! (the implication is we're nuts)

I have had a few "normal" and supportive responses, but I have to admit I'm afraid to tell my dad, who I know will tolerate it, and even be kind to our new children, but will also make clear that we should "take care of our own" and those kids aren't our problem.

The good news is that most people I talk to, regardless of their initial response, have asked lots of questions that led to good discussion of why and what and how and they become supportive.

People just need to be educated---- wellll...most of them :-)...some really are just ignorant!

Sherry

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Originally Posted By Ashley

Our oldest and dearest friends (the wife who was adopted at 1 with hip displasyia) wrote us to tell us how horrible it was that we were adopting. That our adoptive child was going to bring harm unto our son and that we were getting someones "old used car". They had the nerve to tell us they didn't have their approval and that we shouldn't do it. Like after all that we even wanted them as friends anymore. NOT!

Then my husbands brother called us to tell us we can't adopt because we didn't have enough money to do so. That he was a terrible father and husband (he is the best father and husband I have ever met AND this idiot has only seen us 4 times since we were married). Needless to say we haven't talked to him since.

And then we had people coming out of the wood work asking if we could handle an adoption finacially. Like our finaces are any of their business.

They have said, "well you aren't going to adopt a child who is ***** (insert your other race here) are you" and they have said "Don't adopt a child with any problems." Like birth children don't have their "problems". My womens group newsletter keeps writing "please pray for Ashley and John while they are waiting to adopt a "special needs" child" I can't understand why they can't just say "child"!

And everyone wants to know what kind of "problems" our next child is going to have. That really annoys the &*^( out of me! I don't just walk up to anyone on the street and say "what kind of problems do you have?" My husband and I have agreed that we aren't going to disclose to anyone what issues our children may be dealing with and what has brought them into the foster care system. I hate that, because I don't believe in hiding things. But it just seems like people will use that against our child. I can see people branding our child with a scarlet letter.

Now, I will step off my soap box,

NEXT

Ashley

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Originally Posted By Pam

I don't have a close family...I was always on the independent side and got called "black sheep" because I made my own choices and decisions and didn't follow family "norms." Therefore, I kind of had to go my own path, and am glad I have had to. Because I'm not close to my mom, dad, sister, brother and various uncles and aunts (I really have a very small family), we don't ask or care what people in our families think about what we do. And since we don't see them for holidays, we don't hear w hat they think of our non-white kids. The friends we hang out with are all adoptive parents (mostly transracial) and interracial families, so that works for us. If any of my friends or family dared to make any racial cracks that I heard about, we just wouldn't ever see them again...not even sometimes. Not only can't we tolerate racists, but it is bad for our kids to see us tolerate people who don't like people of their race, imo. And our kids are most important to us...not adults, who can take care of themselves. Our families created the families they wanted, and we are entitled to do the same. Anyone who said "You have to supervise your kids at all times or they can't over, blah, blah, blah..." would be off my list of friends or family members that we even bothered with. When we do this, imo, our kids needs HAVE to come first, and being around racists or people who plain don't like adopted kids can be very hurtful. I've had comments made to me by strangers right in front of my kids....comments from family/close friends would be far worse for the kids. Our dumbest comment, imo, was when we first adopted our little girl from Korea. She was five months old..MONTHS old. I had just gotten her and I took her out for a stroll, when a lady who worked at a nearby store we always went to, happened to see me with my new baby and came over to us. She looked at my daughter as well as my then seven year old son that we adopted from Hong Kong and squinted, then said, "Oh!! I guess you got another one of those! Is that his sister?" In exasperation, I said that she was his sister thru adoption, but that she was from Korea and that he was from Hong Kong. She squinted at me again,t hen said, "So they ARENT brother and sister? Really?" At that point, I was about to walk away, when she looked at my little five month old daughter again, who was cooing and smiling in her baby way, and she asked, "DOES SHE SPEAK ENGLISH OR CHINESE?" I gave her a cool look and said, "First of all, she is Korean. Second of all, because she is only five months old, she doesn't speak at all." Then I moved on, shaking my head, and never EVER went into the store this woman worked at again. I have yet to meet anyone else as ignorant as she was.

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was a lady who had adopted a child herself many years ago but from what I could tell, she did it for all the wrong reasons......When she found out that I was going to adopt, she told me not to do it because the child would never be grateful for being adopted and would just cause me heartache. My response to her was that I'm not in it for gratitude, I'm in it to have children to love and parent. She has never mentioned adoption to me since. Who knows? Maybe she thinks I'm doing it for the wrong reasons (grin).....Cheryl

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Originally Posted By Pam again

"Don't you get paid to adopt those kids? Do you adopt them to get a subsidy? Do they pay good?" Or comments like that. I've always had comments added to that like "I could NEVER take money just to LOVE a child!" (righteous indignation." I will never talk about our subsidy. And, although I am normally almost TOO honest, this is one time I lie and tell people we don't get one...for one thing, it's none of their business. For another thing, they are often clueless to the incredible needs of these children..and added expense. When we did foster parenting too it was even worse. "So you're getting money from the state?" I used to say, "You find me a babysitter who would watch a child for 24/7 and take seventy-five cents an hour." Again, I'd get a lot of "I could never foster because I could never take money to LOVE a child" (barf). Amazing to me that some people still think that all it takes to make these kids whole is to love them!!!! Well, that vent felt GOOD )

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Originally Posted By Ashley

Pam,
Your comment got me thinking about some we have heard too. Like, "well you get paid well to foster don't you?"
I find that one of the single most offensive statements I can think of. My husband and I are planning to foster because going through the adoption process we saw how many good foster homes were needed. We wanted to provide a child with safety and love in a very troubling time. I get so offended when people think we "do it for the money". The money doesn't even enter into the equation for us. Besides, the money will just cover the added expense of another child in the house. People can be such idiots!

AShley

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Originally Posted By Mike

I was reading these posts and a hypthetical exchange came to mind in the future when I have my son:

IDIOT: "Hey, Mike, who's the kid?"
MIKE: "This is my son."
IDIOT: "I didn't know you were married."
MIKE: "I'm not."
IDIOT: "Oh, I see. You never mentioned him before."
MIKE: "I just found out about him a few months ago."
IDIOT: "Who's his mom?"
MIKE: "Not sure. Never caught her name."

No, I would NEVER do this, but its fun to think about.

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Originally Posted By Yvette

when people made such ignorant remarks. Now I just pity them. My favorite was when I told several friends and coworkers that my daughter would be with me six months before we could finalize the adoption. One person chimed in with "oh, so you have a six-month return policy."

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Originally Posted By Mike

Yvetee, that is surely one of the DUMBEST things I've heard yet! You need to have a snappy comeback ready. Maybe "Yeah, good thing YOUR folks didn't have that option, huh?"

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Originally Posted By louise

As I was reading the other posts I thought back over our 'adopting years'. My husband and I were born and raised in Ireland and immigrated to our 'adopted' country almost twenty years ago. When we first looked at adoption my parents were very disapproving and were of the mind that we should be taking care of the [bio] children we already had. Like Pam, I have always proceeded with my own plans but I was hurt that my parents were not able to support our decision. And our darling Olivia joined our family in 1990. Both of my parents were happy that she was a healthy 'normal' baby and at the same time did not see her as a full member of our family. As we added more children and racially different at that, my parents, once again, were upset and this time announced that they would not be visiting from Ireland again. Months passed, we continued to communicate, and they softened. Yes, they did visit and over time, they have come to love and cherish each of my children. Young people can be the most profound teachers. When Ben arrived in December, initially the folks were aghast [as always, I'm prepared now!!] and very quickly adjusted to a new grandchild. My father has become quite outspoken in his community about racism [Ireland is now struggling with this issue due to the highest emigration level in it's history] and is looking forward to the day when we can travel as a family to Ireland. I have come to realize that much of their protest was due to fear and worry both for me, their daughter and for themselves. Their concept and value of family had been challenged and they needed to grow in ways that they had never thought about. My children have, as ever, risen to the occasion and continue to teach Grandpa and Grandma about unconditional love and acceptance.