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For the past few months we've been looking into adopting a female bet 2 and 4 (approx. my children's ages). My reasoning was that the baby in the family would remain the baby, while the eldest remained the eldest. However, when I read and hear about the importance of keeping with birth order, it is very discouraging. We do NOT want to adopt a baby. It seems that a 2-4 yr old would fit perfectly in my family- but others say that it would be very hard on my son, now 1 1/2. If we adopt a younger child than him, we would have to wait a few years for him to get older so that the child would not have to be a small infant. I am confused and feeling a bit sad at the idea of having to put it all on hold for even longer. Any comments on this? Has anyone else adopted out of birth order? ~paisley

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Yes, we jumped out of the birth order - bringing home a 9 year old boy who is 6 months older than our oldest daughter. We've been fine with this so far (he's been home a month and a half now). Demario is a bit on the immature side (ok, QUITE a bit on the immature side), which might have helped ease the situation some, along with the fact that he's the only boy, and the fact that my oldest daughter has this spectacular personality and has expressed many times in both words and actions that she isn't bothered at all by this. Also, we have kind of a wierd, "Brady Bunch" with a twist, family dynamic in that my children have adult step-siblings, and an older half sister, so birth order is just an odd concept around here anyway.

I will say that, in your case, adopting a child whose age is in between your other children actually isn't disrupting the birth order AT ALL. Your oldest is still the oldest and your baby is still the baby.

There's lots of opinions about birth order here, and I think the general rule is don't disrupt it. And there's more to consider than simply children's ages. However, much depends on the children you already have at home too. It CAN work, but it's yet another thing to consider carefully in this carefully considered process.

-Susan C.

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We're not planning to have birth order be a great concern. I've heard that it's important to keep it, but I've also heard that making that a hard and fast rule is like saying children should only be placed with families of their own race (or religion! :-)

We have taken age into consideration, but we thought that for us, gender would play a bigger role in ease of transition. We have two daughters and by bringing boys into our house, I think we'll reduce the sense of "competition" all around, whatever your situation is would determine what age/sex is appropriate for you.

Waiting can be hard - dh and I have always wanted to do this, but we waited until our girls were older, and I consider the time waiting was well-spent in gaining maturity and growing in our parenting skills (I married at 21, dh was 26)

You're doing great though, thinking through these things and researching your options. I wish you the best!

Blessings,
Sherry

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Originally Posted By Jerry

But take into consideration that you should NOT disrupt the birth order. It takes a long time to find that "match" for your family, and that doesn't even include the time for the homestudy process. It's not unresaonable to say that you want to adopt a 2 year old now, because by the time it happens your son could very likely be 3 or 4. Not to be discouraging, but caucasian children under 6, or so, are usually not available...........unless you can afford a private agency adoption.

Go back (turn it way back professor) to some of the earliest boards 3, 4, or 5 I believe and there's significant discussion about it.

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Originally Posted By Pam

I think you should wait a few years to see how your kids are doing. Of course, all of us are only giving OUR OPINION. But some agencies and some countries won't take people who are under 25 anyways. There is no rush to adopt. As for birth order, you can always alter it...your kids are young. Since a new child in the family is usually the youngest (since it is normally by birth) I think that is the easiest and least painless way for most kids to get a new sibling. I have had problems when bringing in older kids, directly related to birth order, and others here will say they have not. You never know what will happen, is actually the truth. There are not many kids between 2-4 available for adoption in this country, unless they are part of a sibling group. Foster care is one way to get younger kids.

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Originally Posted By yrand

Girls that young will not be available and older kids will usually be a handfull.Wait till yours get older and then start looking.

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Originally Posted By Ashley

there are people who say you should NEVER disrupt birth order and there are some who say it is just fine. Personally I think my 2 year old would do well with an older child as a brother or sister but that is my child. Some children need to maintain the leader status in their family and therefore would not do as well with the disruption. But what it boils down to is what you think would be best for your family.

AShley

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because they really do have a great one. I know that with three theres usually an odd one out, and the odd one out would definately be my son, especially until the novelty of a new sister wore off for my 4yo daughter. However, he's only 1 1/2, and I think he'd adjust just fine. I know that the adjustment for my bio kids could be hard, but in comparison they've had a pretty breezy childhood so far. I don't want to damage that, but I think they're secure enough here that any problems would just build character, you know? ) ~paisley

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There are just no hard and fast rules in special needs adoption -- if there were, many of these kids wouldn't have families. Every family is different as is every child. Take all of the advice into consideration, and then make a decision based on what is the best fit for YOUR family.

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Originally Posted By Graham

We have had several birth order discussion on the archived boards. Generally, the rule is, "stay with the birth order, unless there's carefully thought out good reasons not to".