[Indy]

As many of you know, I have an open adoption agreement with S's mom. She has not been real good at communicating with S on a regular basis. Last year, she saw S in October. We tried to call her on Thanksgiving, per "you'alls" advice. You should have seen S's face when he heard the recording about being disconnected. I had no other way to communicate with her. She finally called me December 15th, asking if we were still helping her move on the 22nd. She didn't even ask about S. We helped her move on the 22nd, returning on the 24th with S.

Ok...fast forward to the first week of February. She calls out of the blue. We have not heard from her since 12/24. She talks to me for some time, then to S for nearly an hour. He is bored after 15 minutes, but continues to entertain his mother to keep her happy. I can hear her playing the guilt button on him for not calling. He was so sad when he got off of the phone.

I was not aware of any problems at school, until the teacher had put up with it for a couple of days. She called me to let me know that she was having some issues with S. She wondered if anything had changed at home. I could not think of anything. After some thought, I asked her when the behavior started. It was the day after his mother called.

I spoke to S. He admitted that his mother was disrupting things just popping in any time she wants. He was mad at her for making him feel guilty. He doesn't want to talk to her right now. He asked if I would take him to counseling to help him.

Any thoughts?

[kakuehl]

Sounds to me like he has a handle on it. I would take him to counseling, especially since it's his request. That may help him develop some coping mechanisms.

[lucyjoy]

Would make me wonder just what mom said. If it were me, I would not allow any unserpervised phone calls or contact. Counseling might be a good plan-especially if S is the one recognizing the need.

I would also tread carefully so he cannot use mom as an excuse to misbehave at school.

[Barksum]

IMO you need to give S's mom a schedule and request that she follow YOUR times about when she can communicate. This doesn't mean being totally dictatorial; you can work out a schedule that she is able to keep if she so chooses (and there, of course, is the rub). Additionally, perhaps ask S's counsellor about whether or not you let S know what the schedule is. That is a tough call, since if you let him know that his mom is supposed to call every 3 months on the 15th, or the day before holidays or whatever, and she doesn't follow through he'll be hurt. You'll have to decide which is less damaging; her NOT calling as scheduled, or not knowing when she'll call and having six months go by until she does.

And I second Lucy's idea of no unsupervised contact, watching for S using it as an excuse, etc.

[Original Mike]

I think you've been WAY too lenient with her. While she is S's mother, she has no right to do this to the little guy!

If I were you, I think I'd tell her: You may call S on these days and calls will be monitored. Putting a little kid like this on a guilt trip is just reprehensible!

She should consider herself lucky that she deals with you and not with me. I might just go "Sith Lord" on her.

[kay]

I agree with the only monitored contact opinions. It was years before I allowed C phone calls with his b-grandma without my being on the other line. I didn't make a big deal of it, or enter into the conversation, but it helped enormously to know Exactly what she had said. I'd also follow through on the counseling. Sounds like, right now, S has a good handle on what he needs. Amazing emotional maturity!!

[Lylac]

I agree with Mike, and that he needs therapy. She's been trying to control the situation for a while now.
She's his birthmom..true enough. But your his Dad now, and you have to call the shots. And do what you feel is best for your son...even if it includes unsupervised anything with her.

[Faith65]

Indy,

We tried to open are home to B's birthmom and older bs but after a few times where there are no calls when said there would be or negative behaviors from B afterwards we put all stops to the contact.

B is in therapy to help her with these emotions and untill she has healed and or has some strong coping skills in place we will contiune no contact. We are her parents now and it is our job to protect her even if it is her bp.

Glad to see S is recongizing what he's response is to his birthmom as I see this as part of his healing and growing. B is also seeing it too. And is helping her too.

I wish you the best. There is no real anwsers.

[ajjhmf]

Our situation with J's brother isn't quite the same, but we do have to deal with the unexpected surprises of contact with him. We only do letters and pictures with D. But sometimes even a simple signed valentines card is enough to set things off. J's always very excited at first and then it's like a truck hits him. It's hard to watch him run through these emotions over and over again.

I agree that it's time to set forth some guidelines for the contact with S's mom. It might make it easier on S if he knows when he may talk to her and if you are supervising the contact.