[mommycalla]

Let me start by introducing myself. My partner and I are adopting 2 siblings, E, a 9 year old boy, and N, his 8 year old sister. They have been visiting us on weekends for almost a year, and moved in at the end of October. Things have been challenging, to say the least, and I think we just got in over our heads.
N has a history of abuse that we haven't had to deal with too much so far- though puberty will rock our world, I'm sure, and so far being in a setting with 2 mommies seems really good for her. She's having pretty normal issues, whining, clingy, etc... nothing I didn't expect.
E, on the other hand, is pushing me over the edge. He's ADHD and obviously has some other issues, though they haven't been diagnosed. He has temper tantrums, breaks things when he gets mad, kicks me, pouts, whines, lies, steals, hoards food... Last week he told me he wanted to die and tried to choke himself, at which point I called the social worker and he was hospitalized. He was inpatient for a week, and came home yesterday. He told the therapist he knew he shouldn't do it, he would never do it again, he's not sad anymore... everything he was supposed to say so they released him. Then this morning he did it again.
I told him he needed to clean his room (his sister was cleaning her room and I was cleaning the kitchen) so he got mad and started to break his toys. I began taking his toys away, explaining that if he wasn't going to be respectful, he didn't need the toys in his room. He tried to choke himself with his hands, then grabbed a belt and wrapped it around his neck. I got the belt away, calmed him down and proceeded to call the crisis line I was told to call if I was having difficulties.
When I called, I was told that he was probably just doing it to get attention, to be sure he was safe, and to "pick my battles" with him. She told me that giving him control, like saying his room needed to be cleaned 1 day a week, but letting him choose when to clean it, was really important. So, I am supposed to let him sit on the couch and watch tv while the rest of us are cleaning the house because he needs "control"? That seems like it would feed the monster, not tame him.
What are we doing? Have I gotten in completely over my head? Because of my relationship, my partner can't participate in "family therapy" until the adoption is final, so I'm navigating this sea of medical advice, social workers, paperwork, etc... alone. Any advice?

[lucyjoy]

Home is where I'd start. I'd also recommend reading Nancy Thomas When Love is not Enough and Dandelion on my Pillow, Butcher knife beneath.

This is not ADHD behavior. Also, giving him that control will make him worse. There are ways to give control that still leave you in charge such as "Do you want Milk or juice" and "do you want to brush your teeth before or after you get ready for bed.

Sounds to me like you are not getting the truth from the SWer's about the issues.

[mrsred]

You definately have your hands full, but do not give up yet. Besides reading Nancy Thomas's books she has some great dvd's and cd's. It sounds like he has some real attachment problems.
In the meantime if he doesn't want to keep his room clean that is fine. But first off, you are not required to keep him provided with toys. Also, around our house TV is a privelige and privileges only come after chores are done. So, the kids can choose whether or not they want to clean their rooms, but they don't get to watch tV, go on the computer, etc, till rooms are clean.
Also, if they are having a hard time keeping room clean it tells me they have too much stuff in there so I help them out by storing it for them.

[po]

I agree you pick your battles, but there are priviledges that they don't need or things he will want you to do that you don't have to do if he won't do things for you. You are a family and they help each other. We had a foster daughter that sounds just like that. She threatened 3 times suicide and tried to hurt herself. Was hospitalized each time. I never saw where it helped. They never did get her meds right, constantly changing them. Finally she started threatening to hurt the other kids, not simple things, but I'll cut your head off type of things when she had her temper tantrums. Her room got worse all the time, I packed things away so she did not have as much, put an alarm on the kitchen. She started stealing food during the night like half gal. of ice cream, ate what she wanted and let the rest melt in bed. Made chocolate sundays and did the same things. Found ice cream bars hid under the pillow. She also had started to gain weight like 6 to 10 pounds a month which lets you know she was not hungry. Its been 1 1/2 years since she was moved, adoption is still not final, been in the system 5 yr. I know exactly what you are dealing with.