[Original Mike]

OK, i'm playing hookey from work today since the weather is bad and I've got lots of stuff to do here at home. But, as its MY name on the door of the firm, I can do these things!

Maybe its the weather making us stay home, maybe its the post-holiday quiet. Lately, however, i've been feeling very reflective and my thoughts frequently go to where my life has gone and, by extension, to many of my friends on this Fourm and their lives.

How many of us truly envisioned the lives we have now? I know I never did. I grew up in a normal, working-class family. We were expected to do well and be successful. I worked hard in high school and was able to pay my way through Notre Dame thanks to scholarships and a 40-hour a week night job.

I quickly got myself onto the fast track. I moved in all the right circles and got some very cool jobs because of it. I followed my grandfather into politics and did well. Before i was 30, i was labelled as a "rising star" and my name was being tossed around for some very interesting offices. I met presidents, governors, and senators.

But, as the priest who was my undergrad mentor once told me "Life is what happens when you're making other plans." Then, in 2000, things started to change. In a matter of four months, death took my favorite student (at 15), my political mentor, and my favorite aunt. Suddenly, the glamour and the power seemed empty. Then, one day, I was sitting in my dentist's office leafing through a magazine and I came across an article about older boys in the child wlefare system who languished because no one wanted them because of their age. That article led me to the research process which led to my becoming a foster and adoptive parent.

Now, here I am just over six years later. I can say that this life was NEVER on my radar screen. I was supposed to be attending cocktail parties, party conventions, and town meetings. Instead, i attend therapy sessions, court dates, and parent conferences. My plan was to hob-nob with the power brokers and the special interests, not comfort wounded teenagers and listen to stories that I thought only happened on "Law & Order" without flinching. I'd never heard of ODD, PTSD, RAD, or any of these 'alphabet soup' diagnoses that we all know by heart. Heck, i'd never even met a social worker!

Yet, oddly enough, I have found "my purpose" in this life. My cousin is a nun and she told me once when I asked her about her life that she felt "a calling" when she was in high school. I guess that's true for me, too. "My boys" have become my calling. They may be with us a few days, a few weeks, or several months. Just as I hope they take something with them when they leave here, I think i take something from every one of them.

Last Spring, i stunned the establishment by announcing my retirement from politics at the completion of my term and going into the private sector. The announcement got some major attention and I was bombarded with calls asking "Are you nuts?" and "Are you ill or something?" I just explained to them that my life needed to move in a new direction. Now, I can honestly say that I have found real happiness and peace in doing what i do now. Like the old Army commericals said "It's the toughest job you'll ever love."

While I'm being so nauseatingly reflective, i just wanted to thank all of you here for all the support you've given me over these years. i give you guys a lot of the credit for giving me the courage to do something off the beaten path. You are an awesome group and every kid who enters your lives is very lucky.

OK, back to moving that dead hooker now...

[zebramom]

What an awesome thread Mike. I think you have summed up the feelings of this group very nicely.

[ajjhmf]

It's funny. I just wanted to be a mom. I do feel that God led me to this because J was destined to be my son and that God has prepared me to deal with these things because of J. But I, too, never thought my life would contain that thinbgs it does now.

[SingleMama2B]

Good Morning Mike... I have read alot of your postings over time, and find your writting and knowledge very good.

For myself, I have NEVER been happier in my life! I always wanted to be a mom, but I did truly think it would be with my Prince, the house with a picket fence, blah, blah, blah. My path has had many twists and turns, and NOW I understand WHY!!!! It was all leading me to finding my Darling Daughter... I never thought that I would find my child in Russia, but I did!!! I knew that she would be older, and of course all of the things that could come with her. I went into it all pretty much blindly, and full force. This of course worried my family and friends. At the age of 42, single and a career... all of the "What If's" where thrown at me constantly. I am a very black and white person, and abit conservative, so when I ran, not jumped, but ran into this, they thought I had lost my mind! I knew deep, deep, deep down, that this is what I wanted (needed) to do. My DD came home 2 years ago at the age of 8.3 years old. In the Federation System for over 5 years. She was severely mal-nourished (34 lbs!!), and after 11 months home, found out that she has FASE, Microcephaly, and mild ADHD! Was this my dream of my youth.... NOPE, but this is now my dream and my path that I happily skip down EACH DAY!!!

My DD is my sunshine every day.... she tries soooo very hard, and has proven soooo many of the specialists wrong. I have never been to sooooo many specialists, therapists, etc. before, but it is what we do. Her future is sooooo bright now, and to think, what her future would have been, I just know that I was lead right to her!!!

Our children are very special, and I know that we are ALL better people for having them in our lives!!!

[suburbanmomgw]

I agree that we do it all out of love, but I must say that personally I have not arrived at the warm fuzzy feeling part... I did always hope to be a parent. But never thought I'd adopt or parent a special needs child... Those things evolved. I do acknowledge that the journey has made me a better person. And that I am continuing to change and grow because of being a mom!

[Kelly Rae]

Awesome thread Mike, but whenever I see your name on a thread I want to read it. I find them informative and uplifting and always from the heart for your sharing.

I had a dream 6 yrs ago that was so vivid that I had to act upon it. In the dream I was holding babies (different ethnicity) they were clearly MY babies because of my feelings for them but not of my body. Upon waking I heard a distinct voice say call the county. Now I know this sounds crazy, but I have had similar dreams and they have always been what I call visionary dreams. I have had them most of my life and they have always called for action and come true. So I did call the county and within 8 months we had our precious J come home. A yr passed and another dream at this time we were being considered for twin AA 18 month old twins. In my dream I was at a foster training seminar with my dh and a sw introduced herself asked about us we shared being considered for the twins and she said they were not our children she then led us to our daughter and said this is your child. The girl was repulsive in every-way to me. When I took from the sw, she was stiff as a board in my arms and my soul was troubled holding her. A week later we were told about our daughter and because of concerns for her current placement she would be placed with us as soon as they could move her. When she came into our home she was the girl from my dream and frankly this was the only reason I didn't say please take her I can't care for this child. We were her 6th home and she had just turned one yr. She had been abused in and out of foster care. She was very RAD. If not for my dream I could have never parented this child she was and is the hardest thing I have ever done in my life. She is now a very adorable beautiful 6 yr old and very attached. She is still my most challenging child to raise (FAE), but I am so thankful for all she has taught me about love and commitment. A couple yrs later I started having dreams I was pregnant but I knew I wasn't. Soon after a sw from a foster training class said you have a gift with babies (I held all the screaming kids) have you ever thought of emergency foster care. I left a message with my sw to explore this and for some reason she took my musings as permission to sign me up. I nearly fainted thought I'd lost my mind. My dh said leave it be and see what comes from it all. Well our precious H came from the hospital and now shares our name. I said I would never do this again as the ups and downs of court about drove me batty. 2 yrs later baby dreams again and a feeling that another son was coming and he was going to be AA and very small. I laugh as I write this as he is just stirring and ready for the day our beautiful black very tiny (not on the growth chart yet) 11 month old. He is so precious I am so thankful everyday for him.

For me dreams do happen and I am living the best dream ever.

[kay]

Today, frankly, I have no idea why I'm doing this! C's school counselor yesterday confirmed that he's *not* going to after school tutoring, as he solemnly promised to do. And I checked with the algebra teacher just to see how he's doing in this new term, and got this:
Indeed C is letting things slide. His homework is really poor, he just writes two lines not even related to the assignment (homework is assigned on a daily basis).
I had hoped he really could pull it together and avoid continuation school, but it doesn't look like that is going to happen.
I've done some self-examination, and I truthfully didn't and don't expect him to be a perfect student. I was good in school, and it came fairly easy for me, and I didn't want to be holding him to some impossible standard. But doggone it, all I expect is for him to try, and do his best, and he flat out refuses (though usually not with defiance, he's best at passive aggression and out and out lies.)
Does this fit any of my pictures? Nope, not at all. Do I regret the decision? Nope, not at all. He's a great kid, and my life is much richer for having him in it. I love him absolutely. I just wish there was some sign that I was doing something right in this parenting game!!!

[Barksum]

Well said, Mike.

And no, this isn't where I thought I would be. I have a chronic health condition that *seemed* to preclude being a bio parent. Dh and I planned to be DINKS, have a house, a couple of dogs, travel, just be ourselves BY ourselves. It was fun while it lasted.

The pregnancy surprised us, the delivery about did me in (not to mention Dh and Dd) and I spent, oh...what? 2 years? recovering. Anyway, THAT was that. Then we got a call...and we've now adopted 4 kids, for a total of 5 kids at home. Is THIS where we planned to be? (Uh oh, Dh is paying bills - lots of bills - at the table and Ds(5) just knocked a pile off... ) We're up to our ears in bills, we NEVER have time alone, we rarely travel, we homeschool, our lives revolve around meeting the needs of the kids, and sometimes I feel totally sucked into the undertow of all the ... well, all the EVERYTHING that the kids need. And they NEEED a lot. All the time. Always. Forever. Constantly. (I can feel the energy draining from me as I type!)

Still, I can't even conceive of life without our kids. Others look a bit askance at our kids, but I just see all this enthusiasm and joy in life that bubbles out of them. They are wonderful children whom we're overwhelmingly blessed to have in our home. I can't imagine it any other way. Although...sometimes I fantasize that we have a nanny and I get to have a 'Calgon, take me away!' moment.

[lucyjoy]

This is not where I expected to be. I expected to be much more successful then I am. Been doing a great deal of reflecting on things myself. I use to think this parenting thing was my purpose, but if it was, I didn't handle it very well. I'm not sure it was the right thing for me.

[Kerbchek]

Very cool thread Mike - I've been wanting to post to this thread all day, it really did get me to think - but I've had writers block all day - everything I write sounds dumb -

No, years ago I never would have thought I'd be doing this.

I finally feel like I can make a difference in the lives of others.

I really enjoy what I'm doing and sincerely care for both boys greatly.

I don't even want to think about what my life would be like if I hadn't made that call to sign up for foster care classes a couple of years ago.

The DHS worker asked me the other day if I wanted to continue to pursue the adoption of J. Of course I do. He said I seemed pretty sure of myself - I replied, I move forward and don't look back - I think I do that naturally so forcing myself to look back at what life could be like is too weird... I like this life and can't imagine what it would be like without these boys... i think it would be depressing. I get tired from running to the store so much, to therapy sessions, med reviews, in home workers coming over, licensing workers stopping by, bla, bla, bla... I'm tired right now - but without these boys, I don't know... I just can't imagine it. It seems like they've alwyas been here.

[Lylac]

Oh I do this for the $$$ ..just kidding!!

I said JUST KIDDING!!

We had been married for 21 years, with thoughts of babies, long gone. The very thought that we could have kids one day, wasn't even imaginable. We had our lives laid out. Go fishing, shopping, to flea markets or do anything we wanted at the drop of a dime.

We had thought about adopting, early on in our marriage, but all we had heard about was infant adoptions and all the thousands of dollars it cost.

That is......until one Friday afternoon, we get a call from DCS, (we knew some people that worked for the state and they knew we'd be great parents) asking us if we wanted to foster this baby that was seriously medically fragile. After I picked myself up off the floor, I told her yes. She told me "great" she'll be leaving the hospital on Monday.

After I hung up, I thought what in the world did I just do. I know nothing about medically fragile kids, specially shaken babies, and we had nothing for a baby in our home. Am I CRAZY!!! We had 3 days to do some POWER shopping, to get everything setup.
Monday rolled around, an we waited and waited and waited, until about 5:30 that evening. The cw came in and laid butterball L in my arms. And at that moment, I knew that this is what I was meant to do.
Even though I knew she wasn't my baby...yet.

We didn't even have our homestudy, classes or anything at this point. But they worked it out for us to do everything that needed to have been done to be licensed.

We later found out that, out of all the foster parents for our county, NOBODY wanted L. They were affraid of her and what it took to care for her.

I thank God everyday that they were!!

Looking back now, I can't remember what my life was without her, nor would I ever want to go back to it.

With B, he was given to me. I truely believe this (headache story)

I do this because: I need them , just as much as they need me.
I keep doing this because: My heart won't let me fail them.

[tybeemarie]

What a great thread, Mike. Did I think I would be doing this? Well, God bothered me about doing this for years, and I would all but stick my fingers in my ears and sing "la, la, la, I can't hear you!" I represented foster parents in court, and I knew how poorly they were treated. But, He backed me into a corner, and I agreed, with conditions--HA! I am sure the angels and saints got a good laugh out of that one! Everything I said I didn't want, I got: RAD, FAS, sexual reactivity.

Everything I thought was important, well, I didn't know what I was talking about. Speak Spanish to my kids? Please, it's a miracle I got them to speak standard English! Continuing relationship with birth family? They didn't care enough to show up for sibling visits, and they have done nothing to contact me now. I will be contacting them, trying to set up a visit next month, but my dreams of cooperation, those were just dreams. I fully expect them not to do anything to make a visit happen.

I didn't know homework could be a stick of dynamite that could blow up your house. I didn't know sibling visits were empty, depressing, agonizing exercises. I didn't know I would end up being physically assaulted by my own kids. I didn't know my pets would get hurt. I didn't know my kid would be the worst performing, worst behaved kid in class. I didn't know my kids would choose destructive things that would hurt them and that I would have to watch. I really didn't know I was capable of that much aggravation or anger.

And yet, I also didn't know I could love unconditionally--really unconditionally, as in, I love them, they love driving stakes into my heart. I didn't know my faith would grow. I didn't know my kids would be the most devout kids in church. I didn't know I would meet the most committed parents ever by doing this. I didn't know my kids would like fine cuisine, sports, opera, art museums, and poetry, because I showed it to them. I didn't know that the things I thought I definitely couldn't do, I can do. I may not like it, but I can do it.

This is what I was meant to do. I often would prefer a simpler assignment, but this is the one I got. I used to think, why were these people sent to me? God, you really ought to send them to Lucy, she knows how to do this better than me and has the better temperment. And, in fact, it is true that she is a better therapeutic parent than me and has a better temperment. But, thanks to her example, among other things, I am not a bad therapeutic parent as it turns out. And, the kids were supposed to be Catholic, and Lucy's not Catholic, so that's why they had to be with me. And Lucy, you WERE meant to do this, you are an awesome mom and a huge inspiration to dozens and dozens of special needs parents!

When you hear the radio documentary or the tv special ask, "What are you doing to make a difference?" we definitely have an answer that is unassailable: I love children who otherwise would be thrown away. The thought of these kids being unloved by anyone, of being abused all through their childhood, well, that is too much to bear. That's why we do what we do.

[SAHmom]

Thanks for the thread, Mike, and thanks to everyone that have posted! I, myself, have been thinking this very thing a lot lately {maybe it's the weather or who knows?} specifically in relation to our a/son that is out of our home. I am often told we are crazy to want to adopt again, but then I look at my children and how far they have come and I realize, without a doubt, that this is what we were meant to do. To take Mike's words "Our purpose". I do the "What if" quite a bit wondering what would have become of our kids if we had not be blessed to be their parents or if we had only had two biological children. There are times that it gets stressful, but I couldn't nor would I want to, imagine my life without my children. When I get told that I am crazy to want to adopt again, I just tell 'em, yep! I know I am!!!

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