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Originally Posted By Pam

Rayon just had a three hour session with a therapist who understands attachment/bonding. The therapist has as rep as being great for adopted kids. She came to our house and Rayon was the real Rayon today....he had trouble making eye contact, wouldn't listen, wouldn't do what she said, and then he broke down and started to cry when we talked about his past (it broke my heart). He's tentatively diagnosed FINALLY with ODD, PTSD and Conduct Disorder....she doesn't want to mention RAD. He DOES have a conscience though and she feels he'll be fine. I'm so worn out, all I can say is I hope so! This little boy is hurting so much...it makes me furious that nobody caught on. He lost the woman who had wanted to adopt him as an infant...she recently died. She was his first placement and he lived with his birthmother too at the time, until she aged out of the system and left the home. THis woman had already gone to court to adopt him, and was waiting for 30 days to go by, when she had a debilitating stroke and could no longer take care of herself, let alone a child. Although Rayon hasn't lived with her for a long time, he lived with her relatives for a long time and still got to see her. When she passed on, he was probably beyond grief...and it was only about two months ago. He also probably was abused by somebody along the way in one of his foster homes....either a foster parent, a boyfriend of a foster mom, or one of the foster kids in the foster home. AND HE ISNT SUPPOSED TO HAVE SPECIAL NEEDS!!!! Yikes! I have to call his worker in delaware tomorrow. They promised to pick up his medical bills for now...this woman will not take a medical card, and he doesn't have one yet anyways. She doesn't charge a lot ($50 hour), but that's A LOT for us. We haven't even gotten his subsidy check yet so that we can pay her out of it. I can not explain how heartwrenching the bonding therapy was or how shocked I was that Rayon could get sooooooo stubborn and mad and hurt all at one time. I was told some very interesting things about kids who have to move around a lot. First of all, sometimes you have to remind them of where they are...they forget. Sometimes they think that they are in an old foster home; they get confused and have a poor sense of time and space. They may get diagnoses or act like they have diagnoses that are untrue because they are so confused and frightened (ADHD and mental retardation are two examples). I thought RAD was incurable....I guess its' not. If you're willing to work hard, the kids get better a lot of the time. Unattached kids shouldn't watch TV or play video games too much as they are supposed to interact with people, and I was told no sports for Rayon until he gets more in control of himself (or else he could hurt himself or somebody else)! If he wants to visit a friend or do something fun, he has to look me in the eyes and ask me politely. The eye contact is mandatory...these types of kids hate eye contact. I was told not to take him to stores yet because he is not in control of his hands enough to maybe not steal something (I figured THAT out already!). I was given a few exercises for Rayon to help ground him and to help him focus on where he is right now....sort of relaxation therapy. I guess you sort of throw out the book on normal therapy with kids who have been banged around the foster care system...they don't respond to regular therapy. The first thing Rayon said to me when I told him a therapist was coming is that, "I'm not going to talk to her." And he never HAD talked to a therapist before...he just kind of played in the office and acted ok. These are hurt, angry and mistrustful kids that need more than love, and it makes me so sad that the system itself is so abusive to the kids it is supposed to help. I am wiped out from this therapy session. I just wanted to share a few things I learned about attachment. Most older kids from foster care have some attachment issues....I strongly recommend that others in our shoes learn about it before believing that their kid is ADHD, ODD, mentally slow, autistic, etc....they could bloom after they learn to attach. It's going to be hard for a while here, but we love little Ray-Ray and maybe this adoption IS the best thing we ever did. If we learn to handle and turn around a RAD kid, we feel like we can handle any kid, and maybe help a lot more kids.

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Originally Posted By louise

.....keep posting, good and not so good. Reality checks are helpful for everybody and if you find the writing theraputic.....I appreciate your honesty and can say I've been there a few times. It's such hard work, try to take care of yourself! Fondly, Louise.

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Originally Posted By barki

I'm very glad to hear that you've found someone who recognizes Rayon's problems...and who doesn't say they are incurable. You must be so relieved, even if you aren't rested! ) Foster care creates so many complex problems and I think that people "on the outside" just don't KNOW what foster care and all that DOES to children. Oops, wait, I've given up my soap box for today -- I'm weaning myself one day at a time. LOL

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Originally Posted By Jerry

Attachment disordered kids fear attachment like we may fear snakes, spiders, or crazed gunmen. Now is when the therapy can become controversial, or at least according to the accounts I've been given. Some attatchment therapists work to engage the fear and force the attachment. Somewhat like, "I'll prove to you that you shouldn't be afraid of snakes by making you cuddle this rattlesnake." Very scary stuff. It does work, but I don't know what the cost is to the child. On the other hand "traditional" talk therapy can be a waste of everyone's time, so there's no easy answer. From what you've said it sounds like everything has been given the right empasis and you have some tools to work with for Rayon.

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Originally Posted By Pam

they swear she is the only therapist who had done their kids any good. I found her to be excellent, caring, concerned and on target about Rayon and she gave me advice that I can actually really use. His worker in Delaware, who has custody, talked to us today and gave us the thumbs up. I understand Rayon and how to handle him much more than I did before, so I feel more in control. We had a good morning. He got dressed and in the car on time and got out of the car to go to school with no problem. He even talked to me a lot on the way to school. He did NOT have Evergreen type full blown attachment holding therapy. Before I'd ever do that, I'd have to check it out completely.....and even then I'd have reservations. This was more a combination of hugging, holding and talking (at least she GOT him to talk a little!). But traditonal talk therapy won't work for Rayon. He was in that all his life and nobody got anything out of him. At any rate, I'm going to not talk about how it's going here for a while because I truly don't want to scare other people...kids like Rayon needs home and love more than any kids. When things are going good, then I'll write. I am confident that this adoption will work out, and everyone in the family loves this adoreble little boy very very much. THanks for the input

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Originally Posted By Kena

It helps me, and I bet other people on the board, to hear both the good and the bad days -- of course, I understand if you are too drained to keep writing about the bad days!! But I would hate for you to screen your posts because you are afraid of scaring those of us first getting our feet wet. I can't tell you how helpful it is to me to hear about how real placements are going (both good and bad), since we are trying to get as much information and education as possible (and are not fortunate enough to have a special needs support group available).

Thanks for sharing... I am very glad you and Rayon found a skilled therapist to help smooth the way a little...

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Originally Posted By Mike

Please don't feel that you have to screen your posts to keep us from hearing bad things. Those of us interested in special needs adoption don't scare easily. LOL! Those who "don't want to hear the difficult stuff" probably have no business here. In fact, I've found your posts VERY enlightening. The boy I'm being considered for has some attachment concerns, but show me a teenager whos been bounced through the system that won't.

Rayon is SO lucky to have a family like you. Give him time, and he'll realize that you WILL be there for him always. Trust me, you guys are NO Mr. and Mrs. Creamcheese!!!!!

Keep posting, unless you find it too personally difficult.

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Originally Posted By AC

Pam I enjoy reading/hearing from you good or bad. I agree with Mike sorry no Ms. Creamcheese here either :-) This board does help in numerous ways. Like your statement about the store. I didn't even think about how that could be a potential problem and I took mine to the mall on the 1st visit. To be honest it wasn't until I left before it dawned on me I hope we don't have any 5 finger discounts. Thank Goodness he was great! He even asked if we could get two things next time: a disposable camera & beta fish. Trust me I know I'm going to burning the board up in July.
I'm so happy that this therapist is working for you. My son's going to need counseling if for nothing else just for the adoption adjustment. His CW said it'll be good for him to get some one on one & family counseling because what he's getting now is NO WHERE NEAR helpful and they know it. She said he gets weekly seessions but they are in a group so none of the boys really discloses anything due to many reasons. Even his psyc examine from hospital was only about 15mins and he went in and told them he wasn't doing or saying anything. Therefore of course he scored low on IQ and other things and gave a diagnosis which is now part of his file. Just try to relax and regain your composure. I wish you well.

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Originally Posted By Jerry

and may have some similar issues that we'll have to deal with. There's no easy answer here. Our kids we're working towards (it's almost 9 month's folks!!) have experienced things I've never seen discussed here or few other places for that matter. They have behavior issues that require a lot of patience, control, and well directed consequences (as well as some refresher training on our part). The good news is they have a great caseworker who's genuinely concerned about them, foster parent's that want to help with the placement and still be in their lives, AND US!
I can't emphasis teaming enough. Not one person in the team knows it all or has the best answer, but as a group much can be accomplished for the kids.

By the way, we're a lot of "hugs, eye contact, and reassuring talk" kind of folks anyway........that's probably why I feel so strongly that this method has merit....Every kid we've ever had in our home (and this means pre foster placements,runaways and other troubled souls) reaches a point where they get angry with their birth parent's for not treating them well. You will eventually have to help Rayon with this for every "family" he's ever had. The best advise I've seen on this was from Martha Welch's book. You tell him, "I can't change how you were treated, but if you had been mine then I would have......." Let's them talk about it without raging over it. Then there's always the Gestalt stuff that comes into play ("talking" to their parent's without them being there). Helps them script their feelings, and releive some anxiety.

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Originally Posted By louise

.....keep posting, good and not so good. Reality checks are helpful for everybody and if you find the writing theraputic.....I appreciate your honesty and can say I've been there a few times. It's such hard work, try to take care of yourself! Fondly, Louise.

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Originally Posted By yrand

Pam I was just on the phone talking to a friend who is a CASA
volunteer and adoptive parent and she was telling me about another family we know who has a 12 year old boy who has been acting up etc.They've had him a year but the System in it's wisdom has been putting off letting them finalize due to his
"issues".What they can't seem to get is that is the cause of alot of his problems! He still feels unsure that they will be able to keep him so he's acting up.Usually these older kids settle down after they are finalized because they can finally relax and be assured that they won't have to leave again.

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It sounds like you found the right kind of help. You are able to explain things like no one else can! I am so glad that you can help everyone here understand what bonding strategies are about and how attachment is a matter of degree not a cut off point. Hooray for you Pam. You are helping far more that just your family here. Our attachment therapy was the child sitting in the parent's lap, making eye contact and talking, hugging and rocking. Our therapist used to direct the conversation. The whole experience was very interactive.