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Originally Posted By Pam

Thanks for the feedback, whether it was meant for me or other people or all of us. I guess some of us made so many dumb mistakes we just don't want others to make the same mistakes we did, yet everyone has to make mistakes to learn. Hereafter, I will be more gentle with my advice. Have a nice day to all

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Originally Posted By louise

Pam, You make a very good point. Sometimes with hindsight things seem clearer. Being more compassionate and less judgemental is a better way to go.

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Originally Posted By Jerry

I do at times find some comments less than encouraging. We are all different, have different parenting styles, and corellated personalities, as is each and every child we may have the opportunity to parent. Many of the comments and opinions that I disagree with aren't "wrong" or "bad practice," they just don't work for me. I benefit from the discussions on discipline and parenting style. My wife and I have parented with "consequences."

For us the consequences are immediate and fit the situation. For example "the dinner table assault"........."I don't like what we're having and I'm not eating that!" "I'm sorry you don't like this, I don't recall ever hearing you say you didn't like ______. I guess if you don't want to eat this you could have a salad, maybe some fruit or just wait until breakfast, the kitchen is closed for the night. Let's make sure we talk about the foods you don't like after the rest of the family finishies eating." We ALWAYS follow through with a discussion of what kinds of food are "available" for different meals (NO sugar coated pebbles etc.!!LOL!!). It's not always easy keeping cool either. We have a rule at our house that there is NO hitting. We have several large plastic baseball bats (thorroughly dented and showing great wear!LOL!) and a designated spot (old tree trunk etc.) where anyone is welcome to let their anger go. Again, we ALWAYS follow up with a discussion about the anger and discuss an age appropriate coping skill.

Every child is different. I don't believe you can parent every child in the same manner. You have to work with their individual strengths and weaknesses. The old adage about "kids not coming with instruction manuals" can be a haunting reminder.

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Originally Posted By barki

I thought my children's owner's manuals were misplaced upon arrival or something!! I've been trying for a long time to get a hold of them. You mean there REALLY aren't owner's manuals???

And about the heated opinions expressed on the board, I sort of figure we ARE like a family and get worked up about things close to our hearts from time to time and go to it. I'm glad we've worked on clearing the air and moving forward. )

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What I have noticed in myself, is that I have endured so much judgement and intolerance in the outside world, that it is sometimes hard for me to maintain my balanced perspective at all times. I have been told that I am "mean", "too strict" and "unfair" by the uneducated, while I am trying to provide the structure my kids need out of love for them, for years now. There are emotions I carry because of this. I have been going to the Attachment Disorder Support Board and there are people struggling with the emotions there also. These boards are a place where we can let go a little, and sometimes when you open up a little, too much comes spilling out. I see this in myself and I can certainly accept it in others. As in everything, we just keep trying and do our best. My heartfelt, very best wishes to everyone here. Love, Dianna

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Originally Posted By yrand

I think it would be a GREAT idea if it were mandatory for some
of the new or waiting adoptive parents to go to the Attachment Disorder chat board and read a few of those heartwrenching stories from real parents in the trenches dealing with these kids then they may realize that we aren't being so severe,mean,or judgemental afterall.

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Originally Posted By Dee

I'm a lurker, and sometimes poster here...

Just wanted to point that all my childhood my dad's family told my mom she was 'too mean', 'too strict' (as if...), 'unfair' etc. I'll just point out that my cousins, raised by such permissive parents, are the very ones whose children are coming into care right and left in my family. I know with an RAD kid you have to take my mom's kind of 'strictnes' to an extreme, but strictness is good for all kids. My mom had a poem once about the 'mean' mom and how great one really is.