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Originally Posted By Cindi

Hi everyone..I need your advice and perspective on what is happening in my life..
Last year we started this adoption for a specific sibling group..it has been a complete year now and we have just started visitation with one of the siblings and move in is in a week..the other sibs visits will start soon and move in is scheduled for a month from now..
Problem: My parents live 2500 miles away and about a month after we completed our homestudy my father was diagnosed with Stage IV Lung Cancer..he was very sick with the chemo and they gave him 4 months to live..I spent five weeks with him last August because no one thought he would make it past Aug. Well, here we are a year later and he still is battling daily. I had a week free and decided to come out and stay with my parents and I can see how grave this situation can be and how much he needs his kids right now. I will be leaving Saturday and one of the siblings will be moving in on the following Friday. I feel completely torn between being the only daughter and the commitment we have made to adopt this sibling group.. I feel my dad's time is very limited and if I go home and our new child moves in followed by his brothers and sisters there probably won't be another time in the next 6-12 months that I will be able to spend and extended amount of time with my dad...but then again he could still be here in a year..Do you understand my problem?.. If we stop the adoption and he continues to live a year or so, then we have stopped it for nothing..if we continue with the adoption and he dies then I will not be able to be there for him..
What do you think?

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I'm so sorry to hear about your father. I can only imagine what you must be going through. And to have such a happy event about to happen at the same time - you must be completely overwhelmed. Although, it was not a matter of life and death, I also had to cope with a overwhelm conflict of grief and joy when my DD was born. Less than a week before my DD came home from the hospital, my mother announced that she wanted to end her 27 year marriage to my father. So rather than have that parental support and guidance that I had hoped to have during that time in my life, instead I found myself having to offer support and sympathy to both of my grieving parents.

Although I am not trying to infer that my situation was even close to what you are going through, I will offer the following advice -since you asked for advice. Admittedly the timing on the placement isn't ideal, BUT I think you can have your children AND still be there for your father. If you try to choose between the two, you will always feel some sort of regret - at least I know I would. I think another way to look at the situation is what would you do if the kids were already living with you? I don't imagine that you would "give them back" but rather you would just find ways to make it all work. Since you said "we" in your post, I am assuming that you have a spouse or significant other that will be sharing the parenting responsibilities with you. My suggestion would be to try to work out a schedule, say you plan to visit your father for a long weekend sometime after the first child comes home and the other siblings arrive and then maybe plan a second weekend a month or so after that. If you have close friends that live near by, maybe you could ask one of them to come over for that second weekend and help out so that your SO won't be outnumbered the entire time. Or if $$ allows, you could make it a family trip so your father gets a chance to meet his new grandchildren. These are just suggetions of course - something to sort of start you brainstorming ideas.

I hope this helps you in someway. My thoughts will be with you and family and wishing you all the best.

Laura

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You are not alone! And Mike recently lost his father, too, so he can relate as well. My mother is in the end stages of Lou Gehrig's disease. She is expected to live another 4-8 weeks. About the same time we could be getting our new daughter. But I know SHE would not want me to hold off or pass on this because of her and I dare suggest your father would feel the same. I like the suggestion of taking your new family to meet him before he passes. I am hopeful my mother will last until we get our new child; quite frankly, I think that is what she is holding on for. And I am her only child so I really "feel your pain" when you talk about you obligation as his child. You can do both (adopt and care for your father) - not without a substantial amount of emotional strain - but it can be done if you have the right support in place to take care of the kids when your father passes so that you can be there when appropriate. And what a great lesson for your children to learn - that we love and care for our parents until and even after they take their last breath. What an example of love and devotion you can show them.

Best of luck and God bless your family.

Lara

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Visiting with the kids depends on your father's condition.

My mother-in-law passed away a few weeks ago from lung cancer. Our placement is still a month or so away so I don't have any kids, so my opinions are still all theory. However, because she was in such severe pain, I would not advise taking a child to visit. It was difficult enough for my husband and I to see her like that. Also, you'll be dealing with your own very strong emotions at a time when the kids won't know you well enough to read your mood. They may get "on your last nerve" and you may respond too strongly due to all else that is going on. I still would take the placement...just try to spend time with Dad w/o the kids.

Have you checked into respite care? That may be a possibility.

I wish you and your family the support, prayers, and love that will sustain you during this difficult time.

T.

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Originally Posted By Keagan

Of the regrets which would be the most difficult to reconcile.

1. Your father passing without your having another chance to be with him. In the event he lives beyond what you expect, so much the better.

2. Trying to assume an adoption while your heart, mind and emotions are focused elsewhere.

I'm 45 years old. I'm sure most people my age and older would attest that certain things in life can wait. And if they can't wait and there is something/someone else tugging at your loyalty or time, then you choose that which is more salient and known, over the unknown.

If it's meant to be the children will be there, if not there are others. My most recent near placement was with a 15 year old kid from Ohio. At first I was uncomfortable with his age, and his background. After a considerable amount of time I was so revved for him I couldn’t sleep... Then it fell through... Ironically I wasn't so upset at it falling through as with the caseworkers who played with my head, and stole time that I could have used in search of another child.

After I resigned myself to the outcome, not my recourse of the handling of the situation, I spent about a morning on the phone talking to workers of children I had been considering, or had previously spoken to. By that afternoon I had about three caseworkers eager to place with me, and many more subsequent calls ready to close the deal. Of those is my now second son. I knew he was the one, I had that same tug, that same je nais se quoi I felt when I saw my son Michael.

Family first...

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Originally Posted By Mike

I lost my Dad to lung cancer three weeks ago. I really agonized on what to do: I was caring for Dad at home, juggling my job, and expecting a visit from a team of out-of-state social workers about a potential placement.

I made the decision to go forward with my adoption plans. i continued making inquiries and sending homestudies. By the end, it became clear that Dad had very little time left. I called the out-of-state worker and told her my situation. She asked if I would like to reschedule for a month later. I jumped at the chance and the meeting took place yesterday.

Looking back, I had the time in those last few weeks to spend with my Dad. Lung cancer is a horrible death and I would not have wanted to have a child around it. Of course, you hvae a placement. I'm nowhere near one yet. Plus, I had my Dad at home, not in another state.

In short, I would talk this over with your worker and see what she might think. I really don't think, in hindsight, that I would take the kids to see your Dad. If it was anything like my Dad's end, it will traumatize them. I think repsite care might be a good thing. Do what your heart tells you is right.

You'll be in my thoughts

Mike

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Originally Posted By barki

and here's my two cents worth. LOL!! I've not been in the same dilema you are now, but we've had to do similar "last minute" big decisions that have big impacts on the rest of our lives.

1) You mention that you have other siblings. Even tho you are the only daughter, you still have brothers. Are you able to talk with them about your situation? Can they help you with some of the burden the love for your father is placing on you? (Not "burden" in a bad sense, it is a burden of love - but a burden nonetheless.) Can you work out some sort of game plan with them?

2) You've already been chosen for these children. The children are being prepared for you, right? I think, and this is my opinion, that IF the children already know about you that you really should strongly consider keeping the committment to take them. I know that this differs from others who've been where you are, but hey, it's my opinion! LOL Also, with Mike there wasn't a placement, rather a CONSIDERATION OF PLACEMENT. It is different. Even when we have very valid reasons for not taking a placement the children are still hurt by having it fall through. If you can take steps to work through having them come to you then I think it would be worthwhile to consider that option.

3) You don't have to take the children if your father's condition is such that it would be inappropriate for the children to be there. HOWEVER, make a nice video (you know - "Johnny is pulling Susie's hair, and look! there's Janey throwing a softball through the picture window!!") so that your Dad can see them. This may be a nice encouragement for him. I have a housebound relative that lives for letters, pictures and videos of all the children. If not a video try an easily held photo album so he can have that to look at.

In conclusion, this is one of the times that you will need to call on all the resources you have to help you through a stressful and emotional situation. Your dh, your siblings, cousins, friends, aunts, uncles -- all those people that you thought of when they asked you what kind of a personal support network you had in place on your homestudy. Respite for you and the children, etc. etc. etc. I do agree that this is a good opportunity for you to allow the children to see that we care for our families...something they may not be familiar with.

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Originally Posted By Jerry

How we cope and eventually accept death and dying is a very personal issue. I can relate my experiences and hope this helps you make "your" decision. We have dealt with the slow and agonizing death that long term illness brings as well as sudden death. I was fortunate that when we knew death was eminant I didn't have to travel any distance to be with my loved ones as they passed. I feel fortunate that I was there although it was difficult at the time. When a family member is dying the family is grieving. Through caring for the dying person and making arrangements for support and so forth the grieving process is at work. A while back we had a friend that died from cancer in her home with most of her family there. Her parent's weren't able to be there because they couldn't take time off of work (they were 3 hours away by car). I didn't see any particular disappointment within the family over this, but they view it differently than I do. When we lost our daughter it was sudden and an instant loss. There was no time to be with her at the end, hold her, say "I love you" one last time, or share in the goodness of our relationship. We would have given anything for even a moment with her. Our grief came in an instant like an avalanche of agony and a sherrif's chaplain at our front door telling us our daughter was dead and there was no mistake made about it...... There is a great loneliness in the moment when you realize how "final" death is for your reality......

I was surprised at the number of her friends that came to the viewing and the memorial service. Many people have a very difficult time even offering their respects when someone passes. Young people certainly don't want to deal with loss, but over 600 of her friends came and many of them made a point of telling us how much she meant to them or how she had changed their lives. Their loss was very reall and all of those kids made an effort of respect and honor that was deeply moving for us. Death and dying ARE very personal issues that each person must deal with in their own way and time. You have to decide what will be okay with you and your Dad. You may want to ask yourself the following.........Have you said everything you want to say to your father in this life? Have you heard everything your father has to say to you?...........My personal belief is that in your situation I would be in close contact with the family, any caregivers and the doctor and make sure I was there for him as much as I could possibly be. We too have been working for over 8 month's on a placement and understand how difficult it can be to have to walk away from the hard work. I think you'll find they will wait if you need them too.
... It is a great honor to parent a child and be with those who are passing from this life. Our prayer's are with you.