[Indy]

Having multiple sons who are teenagers, I am constantly being spoken to about cars and driving. The boys tell me all the time that I should buy them a car, as the neighbors are doing it for their kids.

First of all I do not worry about keeping "up with the Joneses".

Secondly, I parent my sons, not the neighbors.

Third, I am trying to teach my sons life lessons.

Fourth, I have 9 sons. Most neighbors have no more than two or three.

However, it is frustrating...watching my sons struggle and the neighbors kids are getting a "free ride". I know my sons do not think I am being fair. I could afford to help each of them get a car...but it defeats my teaching. Am I the only person who thinks in this "old-fashion" manner? My sons didn't tell me that...the neighbor did! He has bought cars for 2 of his 4 kids. The other two will get a car when they are driving age.

Any thoughts?

[sarah.pachmayr]

I am sure that i will be in the minority when I say this but I am very grateful that my parents did not withhold things from me just for a lesson. My parents did all they could to provide for me and I never once took it for granted. They made sure I knew that they gave me things because they wanted to out of love- not that I deserved them or that it was my right. I was givin a car, did not work in high school, etc. and now I am married at 20, about to graduate college a year early, have two houses and a car that me and my husband pay for ourselves. So, I do not feel that I was cheated out of life lessons by my parents helping me, I honestly think sitting and talking about responsibility and other values can accomplish the same goals without anyone doing without. Sorry to be so long

[Indy]

I am impressed. You are the exception to the rule. It sounds like your parents did a wonderful job helping you. I am very happy for you and your husband.

Thank you for your post. Your thoughts and perspective is VERY greatly appreciated. I may have to rethink my position with a son (or two).

[lucyjoy]

Foster Cline and Jim Faye in Parenting Teens with Love and Logic talk about this. They talk about the fact that kids whose parents buy them cars are 50% more likely to die in car accidents. Kids who buy their own cars know what it took them to get them, so drive more carefully. I have watched my neighbor, who my son now lives with, tear up 3 cars his parents bought him and take the transmission out of his truck twice in less then a year.

I don't think it's old fashioned. I think buying kids cars is a bad idea. I always tell my kids I love them too much to buy them a car. I have on occassion filled the gas tanks of working kids for running minimal errands or such to help them out.

I think kids need to learn life's lessons. If a parent chooses to buy a kid a car, the kid at least needs to be responsible for the insurance.

[NJNative]

My son is an only child, just turned 16 and got his learner's permit, and I have no intention of buying him a car. He is welcome to drive the family cars once he gets his license next October -- we have three cars -- but he is expected to get a job next summer and to put gas in the cars when he drives them.

Believe me, we can easily afford to buy him a car, but frankly, I think it's bad for your character. He has to learn to work for things. (Mind you he has a Waverunner, video game systems, etc. that we have bought him as gifts. The Waverunner was earned by doing well in school -- he has ADD and Learning Disabilities. And it was a five year old used model.)

He mows the lawn on our large property, weed whacks, does other chores including painting his grandparents house and deck.

No one ever bought me a car -- I got my own first car when I was 25. I also could drive my parents' cars when they weren't using them. Nobody put me through college either. Didn't hurt me a bit.

Robin

[ajjhmf]

Nope, not 'old fashioned' to me. No one bought me a car and I intend to do the same with my kids. J already knows this. He talks now about saving up someday to have a car.

And I did grow up in an area where parent bought their kids cars too. It was hard driving the old beater while my friends got new BMWs and so on, but I took better care of and appreciated my VW more than any of them put together. I say you're doing the right thing.

[SuzBerg]

Indy - I agree with you. My son will be 16 in February (but NO WAY is he getting his license til at least this summer).

My husband just got a new car (the first non-used car we have ever bought in 18 years of marriage). Our son will be inheriting his 8 year old Isuzu Trooper (pretty old and very usedBUT much cooler than the Ford Fairmont I drove in H.S. in the 80's). He will get to drive it if he pays for gas and insurance (and if his grades are decent). And then the reason is mainly because it will help ME out. We figured we wouldn't get much of a trade-in for it and really, really didn't want the teen driving the new car or the suburban. So this works for us.

Around here a lot of parents buytheir kids cars too. Most of the cars in the "student parking lot" at the High School are for the most part much nicer and newer than the cars in the "teachers parking lot".?

[mommyjamie]

We bought our teen foster daughter a car for her 17th Birthday. It came with a contract. The title would be switched to her name upon graduation from High School. She was responsible for paying the insurance and earning gas money. If she was caught driving w/o a seatbelt the car was grounded for a month!!! If there was a 2nd infraction she was DONE!!! She had to keep her grades up to keep driving. We also agreed to match her savings for a nicer car for college. The first car was a much older car that was actually made of metal, well to be honest it did have a little rust mixed in. But the whole purpose was so she would be able to get to and from school and work and learn some responsibility. Although it didn't work with her, we plan on doing the same for our other children. They may have to do a little car-share though because they are so close in age. 7,7,6,6,6,4,4,3 right now!!! No BMW's for our poor children. We have joked about getting them all VW Bugs painted different colors....

[mschaefer]

I have a while before I have to worry about my son driving, but I have to echo some of the things pointed out by Sarah. My parents always provided everything we needed -- this did not mean the newest or latest -- in fact the refused to buy Atari not for financial reasons but felt in was a waste of time and money from an educational stand point. They never bought me a car, but they did allow me to use theirs and paid my insurance until I graduated from College. Their philosphy was that I needed to be focus on academics and I was only permited to get a job in the summer for extra money. My sister and I were very well aware that use of the car and paying our car insurance was a PRIVLEDGE that could be revoked, but we never even thought of doing something to put that in jeopardy. While there were lots of kids in our high school whose parents bought them a car -- neither my sister nor I ever thought about even asking our parents for our own car. I would consider myself spoiled, but not ungrateful. I think ever family has to decide for themselves what is best and that is likely to mean different things even for different children in the family.

And Indy, I agree that the sense of entitlement for a car by a child and a parent just going out and buying it is frustrating and seems on the rise -- it's nice to hear that their are people out there like you

We'll have to wait and see how I handle driving in another 13 year

[crick]

I think it just really depends on the kids and parent's earlier teachings.

My parents bought both my brother & I our first cars. Used cars though and there was a budget. They also paid the insurance and our responsibility was the gas & maintenance. I had to know how to change a flat, jumpstart it and change the oil before I even got my license.

I turned out fine...(SHUSH!) and am very responsible with money etc.

I think as with anything, it lies within the teaching, the expectations and consequences. I knew if I drove irresponsibly or didn't keep my grades up etc., my parents would take the keys in a flash!

We've not really decided which way we'll go with our kids. One of my sons is such a leaper before looking first that if he doesn't change that aspect about himself, there is no way I'm going to allow him to drive. We do know that we'll never buy a motorcycle!

[Faith65]

Indy,

it's funny you ask. B isn't there yet but I rember what it was like in my family. there where didn't rules and expections for both my brother and I. There still are and I'm 41 and he's 39. My parentts tought me to respect what I had, work hard, treat folks the way I would want to be treated, don't take things for granted, not to questions rules or athority, and many more.

With that, I got my car on my own, and didn't destroy any brother many many he destroyed, he left job after job or got fired. He has had many problems with the law, drugs and achool, marriages and even has a 16 yr old daughter in state care aging out and may loose his other 4 that are under 9 yrs old.

I hope to be able to teach B a balance of those things. I wish you the best in your dessions.

[Lylac]

Indy, you SHOULD buy them boy's their own car, take them to Walmart or nearest department store and let them pick it out. Thats what my dad did to me. Shoot I didn't have my own car until I was married.........at 17

[Barksum]

I'm a fence sitter. Buying your children things is fine with me; not buying them things is ok with me, too. It isn't so much about what you give your children, IMO, but more about HOW you give them things.

Do you give them things with strings to manipulate their relationship with you? ("We'll pay for your wedding reception if you cut your honeymoon plans short in order to attend the impromptu family reunion the out of town relatives will be having; otherwise you won't get a penny from us toward your wedding.")

Do you give them things and laugh it off when they trash it, buying them another to replace it? ("I know, I know, he shouldn't have been doin' that, but boys will be boys, ya know?" with a shrug and a wink.)

Do you make them work for some things, and then throw in a special something to go with it - not something they'd asked for or expected, but just because? ("Don't you feel good about saving up your money and buying that cd player all by yourself? Pretty mature. I know it was hard and I'm proud of the way you made yourself do it." And then, in the next week or two, give them a cd holder to go with it.)

My parents provided me a car to use and paid the insurance on it. When I got married they gave it to Dh and I for a wedding present. (After paying for our wedding, making by hand my dress which has hand beaded seed pearls on about 5 yards of 6 inch wide lace hem, and sending money here and there to help with (my) medical bills, etc.) My sis didn't drive until she'd been married for 7 years, so the parents didn't provide a car for her to drive when she was at home, but they chauffered her everywhere instead. When they bought another car, they gave her and her Dh their old car. They did strive to be impartial in their gift giving. My sis and I are responsible adults who don't just exist in our communities but work on civic projects and such, as well.


I don't think that giving your children large gifts automatically turns out irresponsible adults. I think it is in the process and the training of their care of their LITTLE stuff that sets them up for how they care for their big stuff. Also, you have to take into account the dysmaturity that can be part and parcel of children who've had traumatic childhoods. They may not be ready for the kinds of responsibilty of car ownership for a bit longer than "average". (And if by "average" you mean any of 100 kids at the local high school I'm all for not giving them a car until they're out of college...but I digress.) Let's face it, the teen years are fraught with their struggles to deal with the added parental and societal expectations and responsibilities as it is. 'Our' kids may need to take that whole trek a little more slowly due to their physical and emotional variables.

How's that for a lengthy post to say that it's ok to not buy your boys cars? LOL

[mrsred]

Your kids are learning to value things, to work hard for things, that we need to earn what we want. what are your neighbor's kids learning? And how will that serve them in real life??? I am completely backing you on this one!

[kay]

Hi Indy,
I'm with you on this one. I'm getting flack now from C, thinking that of course he'll get a car for his 16th birthday, in March. But he is so massively irresponsible, and so unwilling to follow any rules, that I'm not even allowing a learner's permit yet. If and when he shows some of that rule-following trait, I'll consider helping him with his first car - but it won't be new and it won't be fancy!

When he was entering high school, I considered getting him a waiver to attend the school near my job - great school, he could have gotten a very good education there. However, it's in a very affluent neighborhood, with kids with more stuff than most adults I know. I decided against it ultimately because I didn't want him in the position of being the only "poor kid" in the entire school. It would have been hard for him all the way through, and as all his friends turned 16 and got the BMW's and Mercedes and Lexus - he'd have been *very* unhappy.