[Eighty8Keys]

Whew!! I haven't posted much at all the past 3 months because we have a 3 yr old and a 5 yr old now...5 yr old diagnosed RAD at age 2 (but caseworker insists she doesn't have it anymore.... )

Anyway, in a nutshell, we all had a fabulous day today. Baked cookies, played games, took nature hike through our woods, lots of arts and crafts...Tonight we were all wrestling around and 5 yr old "C" tells husband and me that she loves us very much - we tell her we love her too (which we tell her constantly). We were going to have our Saturday night family movie, and we told the kids to go upstairs, pick up room, brush teeth, and get jammies on - the usual routine. I go up the steps with C, and when we get to the top of the stairs, she says "Hey Dad- watch this!" and then turns to me with both middle fingers straight up in the air. I wish now I had had the camera just to capture the expression on Hubby's face! So, he immediately says "no movie", she immediately goes into hysterical crying, and 3 yr old takes advantage of the chaos to run round the upstairs totally naked. I corral him, get him into jammies, and husband and 3 yr old "J" go downstairs to watch movie.

Menawhile, C is crying hysterically on her bed. I go into bedroom and try to pick her up to rock her - she shoves me away and screams "I HATE YOU!!" So, I give her a choice of rocking with me or sitting on the bed with me. She screams "I WANT TO GO DOWNSTAIRS NOW!!!" I told her that was not one of her choices and again tell her what to choose between. I told her I was counting to 5 and if she didn't make a decision, I would sit next to her on the bed. So, we sat on the bed. She starting chanting over and over "I want Daddy...I want Daddy..." After about 30 times (Really!) I kept countering with "but Mama's here" She finally yelled "STOP!" and started telling me again she hated me. I kept telling her "but I love you..." She finally put her hands over her ears and kept on crying. She eventually quieted somewhat and then I rubbed her on the back. She didn't pull away, so I then pulled her over onto by lap and carried her to the rocking chair. After awhile I helped her into pajamas and then rocked her some more - she finally fell asleep.

We have seen increasing negative behaviors in the past 3 weeks but nothing quite like this outburst. Do any of you with experience with this think I should/could have done something differently?? There are a lot of other things going on, but I just haven't had time to post about any of our experiences (except for her stealing which started recently...) Thanks for input!!

[lucyjoy]

She eventually let you comfort her so it seems like it was fine to me.

Did she know what she was doing by putting her middle fingers up? That would be my only concern. If she'd just done it, I wouldn't question it but she wanted dad to look first. I would be sure that she understands its not nice. She may have been taught that somewhere and think it means something else? Just a thought.

[Twinsnmore_Momy]

We have 9 kids with 3 being foster with RAD and other issues, so I have been there done that. I guess I am misssing something. Has the child done this before? Was there a warning? Seems like such a harsh punishment for such a young child, who was probably doing it because someone else had done it and got attention at one time or another. Only real serious "crimes", such as physical or putting themselves in harms way is complete loss of a priviledge.Could it be that this was a way to deal with the closeness of the event? Such as spending more closeness with you and hubby? This was supposed to be family time and it is sad to hear this was missed. We are a big movie house and is a great way to share a laugh together, when the kids may not have had much of that in their lives.

Since I do not know the whole story, I can only offer the reason my kids acted up when it involved just us. After 5 years now, we ALL enjoy this time together.


God Bless

[Eighty8Keys]

She knew what she was doing - we talked about "the middle finger" yesterday and she knows that it isn't nice. Someone at Kindergarten had shown her how to make this fine gesture.

[lucyjoy]

Well then, if she knew she wasn't to do it, I think your dh was right to cancel the movie. Sad for her.

I do think planned family time regardless of behavior is important at times as well(we use to call it "forced fun" as we had such sabatogers of all fun in our house at that time)

Bottom line, though, she got the message that she is not in charge and that wrong behavior isn't okay. She also got the message that mom loved her anyway and wasn't leaving. And she let you comfort her which, in my opinion, is huge with a RAD kid.

It might be good to develop a plan of action for future family times to avoid those getting sabotoged. (That doesn't mean I think you did anything wrong. Just need to avoid allowing her to decide to use this method to control family time in the future)

[aspenhall]

I agree with what you did...and agree with lucy's suggestion to watch out for her sabatoging family bonding times/events....any trauma or emotional issue will rear it's head at every major life junction....starting school, puberty, graduation, marriage, becoming a parent...

it's a cycle, and it lessens in intensity and duration, but be prepared in the future, when you think RAD is overcome...

[Eighty8Keys]

Thanks for the support. Things have been pretty smooth since Saturday night (so far....) Halloween last week was another thing entirely. "C" was all excited about it - talked about it for over a month prior - and on the way to go trick-or-treating with her brother and cousins she insisted that she didn't want to go. She hated all of us, didn't like anyone, didn't need anyone, etc. I told her if she really felt that way then once we got to her aunt's house and Daddy met us there, he could simply drive her back home. But, "J" and I were going to have fun no matter what. Thankfully at that moment "J" piped up and said that HE liked me and was going to have fun, too. I think once she realized I was serious about her coming home with Dad if that was truly her choice, she lightened up and then actually had a blast. Sigh....the honeymoon is definitely over!