[Indy]

It has been some time since I posted. I am a person of principles and integrity. I served in the US Army for 14 years as an officer and defended rights that many of us take for granted. I see black and white real well...gray, not so well. I do not believe that I have to agree with everyone here to post here. Here are some of my thoughts that I have gathered through the years...

- It is not always about attachment! That being said...I think my M1 needs attachment thearpy. But the law of averages is low here.

- Just because we want to adopt a child does not mean that they want us to adopt them.

- A "failure" in one family does not mean a "failure" in the next.

- Caseworkers never lie, they just don't tell the full truth.

- People need varying levels of support and different types. It is not up to me to determine what that level is. I have been around since the "Grahmn" days and have seen a lot of posts that I would never post...but I never told the poster that.

- It is also not up to me to determine whether a poster is telling the truth or not...as we all lie. Truth is in the "eyes of the beholder".

- We are all passoniate about what we do and this is very personal for all of us. Anytime someone disagrees with us, we are hurt. We feel it is an attack on what we do.

- Other people (out on the web) don't know more about a situation in our lives than we do! Actually, they only know what I tell them!

- People on the web don't know me better than people who see me every day.

- Just because I didn't take a child does NOT mean that someone else shouldn't either! That does not mean that I failed! There are several potential "sons" that I passed on that have been placed with friends of mine. I am happy for them (the child and the parent).

- Never tell someone else what they should do until you have lived their life, which is not possible. We can only advise what worked for us...in a SIMILAR situation.

I know this may step on some toes, but mine have been trampled on, unjustly.

[lucyjoy]

And you shouldn't be bothered by what some socially inept crazy cyber person who can't manage their own life says to you.

Glad to hear that things are working out for you. Hope they continue to.

[crick]

Moderator, not participant involvement disclaimer....

Just a reminder that personal issues with a specific person or persons should be done via pm and not on the boards. If this is a general take on "hey, we won't all agree and here's my thoughts", that's fine.

However, if there's something specific needing to be hashed out with an individual, it needs to be done privately.

Thanks,
Crick

[kburch]

Originally Posted by Indy

I know this may step on some toes

Honestly, Indy, your post sure came across that way -- rather purposefully, might I add -- to me.

[lucyjoy]

If I were in your position, I'd likely be defensive to.

Failure is an ugly word. I failed my 17 year old and my 16 year old as well. Letting go of R and not being able to parent him here with me ripped my heart out and there are broken pieces that will never, ever heal. My 16 year old hates the very ground I walk on. If I died today, he'd celebrate. I failed to reach him.

The RTC told me that R was fine as long as I wasn't part of the plan. Does that make me happy to watch him be successful elsewhere? If I were the kind of person I should be, maybe it would. But no matter what I see, part of me will always doubt that it's real.

Though D and S came to me from disruptions, the only failure was with the agencies that didn't teach about attachment-and for me, life is all about attachment. It is my reality. D had really good parents, likely better parents then I'l ever be. Had they known what to do from day one, he would have been fine there. His leaving tore a huge hole in his mother's heart. It took her 2 years to be able to send his things-she couldn't go into his room. Just now, over 4 years later, she's begun to really ask about him and be able to rejoice in his small successes. I understood her pain and was careful about what I said to her in those early months.

I think it has to be about the kids and about us. And while we do care about you, Indy-cyber people or not, we care about the other people involved here to and how their hearts feel(whether they want us to or not).

And while for you, maybe people can't really know you online, but for people like me, if people online don't know me, nobody does and that's a very empty thought for me.

And I likely post much more here then I should. (Ya oughta hear what I don't say out loud)

Sorry you feel unjustly trampled on. No one meant to do that.

[aMarylandfamily]

... Many of us follow both boards in motion and don't wish to lose out on any valuable friendships made throughout time.

And from another one who has experienced a disruption and then another out-of-home placement which went to termination of rights (per the child's request to the courts) we too understand much of what you feel and even the most unjudging person can make a statement which makes the hair stand up on our back ....

So ... do let go of the past and roll with opinions so as to be able to share the precious and most valuable hands on experience as well as emotional aspects and two-cents too!

Hoping your new placement is home and doing well!

[momraine]

Man, I need to not leave town. I think I missed something.

[Kerbchek]

I'm really glad I've had this on-line location to learn from. I take from this place what I want or need. Many things I've ignored or chose not to respond to as it wasn't benefiting me or my kids to involve myself in such. I can only hope some of my posts/responses have been beneficial to others.

Along with Lorraine (momrain), I too feel I may have missed something, but sometimes the obvious can blow right past me and I won't catch on... oops!!

Indy, it's good to see you back on this board. I too have checked in on other boards and have chosen to stay here, even though I don't agree with everything or everyone, but there is more traffic here and I get more responses from my posts and have learned more here... so here I stay...

[ajjhmf]

Originally Posted by Indy

Other people (out on the web) don't know more about a situation in our lives than we do! Actually, they only know what I tell them!

While I agree that people only know what you tell them, what you tell them is up to you. A person can be as open or as closed off to people as they choose to be.

The people with I consider my friends (both here and in 'real life') know who I am. I don't sugar coat things or hide pieces of my life from them. My friends are my friends, no matter where in the world they are.

I have neighbors and acquaintences who SEE me daily, yet they don't know me.

[dadfor2]

i'm trying to stay away from any heated threads, or threads that might get heated.

But just wanted to put a 'support' post for you indy, i have no idea on what you are talking about, and i guess that means that i have been staying away better then i thought...lol

but one thing i want people to realize, is that being on the computer you are not using all parts of your brain. It shuts down and there are certain things that people might do on a computer that they would never do in IRL.

I watched a 20/20 episode of teenage girls being nasty on the computer...and why teenage girls so nasty.

when some of these girls looked at their responces on what they wrote, they couldnt belive they could be that mean.

I am not comparing ourselves to teenage girls, but the fact is, these forums, though very good at times, the people who we are talking to, arent using all parts of their brain.

for ex:
when someone goes to just check their email and they find that 2 hours have past and they didnt know where the time went....you have been just sucked into the dead brain zone.

if this has ever happend to you, then you know what i am talking about.

if it hasnt yet, chances are it will....no one is safe from the dead brain zone.

anyway, i guess for some reason, we forget there are real people typing away on the other side of these computers and our 'rational' brain forgets it sometimes.

as most know i have been in quite a few controversaries on these forums, but learning about brain development for my kids, im also learning alot about myself too.

so i have my limit now on how long i can stay on these forums, which is like 15 minutes a shot. It keeps me focused and not ramble off and i am finding this helps me.

sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly (me) i finally might get it.

so i guess we need to understand that the rules apply here as well as the outside world and that words do hurt...we are all trying our best to get through the day and its not easy.

indy, you have always impressed me on how you parent your children. I read your posts because i know that my sons will soon be teenagers...

and im having issues with them now, i cant imagine when they are in their teens....

so just wanted to make a 'general post' of support for you indy, and i hope what ever happened, doesnt make you stop posting. there are not many parents parenting teenagers out here.....

[dpen6]

Me too Indy..uh what dad just said

[Kerbchek]

dad, your post came at just the right time for me... You've explained what happened to my brain yesterday...

...somehow yesterday my computer took over my brain and I accidentally signed up for some dumb offers that came to me in a junk e-mail. I cannot believe I did it... If anybody would have asked me if they should apply for such an offer I would tell them "no", but yet, I got sucked into the dead brain zone and was stupid... now I have to buy 5 movies within one year and puchase a bag of coffee once a month for the next six months. Why you ask... I don't know.....

but dad, seriously, thanks for helping me understand where I went wrong and how I need to limit my computer time... I knew I never should have allowed myself to have a credit card again....

[Original Mike]

I waited quite a while and debated as to whether to post this, but I've decided I have to.

Indy, this post is very out-of-character for you. It's nasty and mean-spirited and really has no place here. Of course this Board is about the kids. For the kids to get what they need, however, it also has to be about "us", those who have found a home on this Board.

I'm very sorry that you feel this way. Of course, no one can fully appreciate what ANYONE here goes through without walking a mile in their shoes. You need to remember that goes both ways.

Over the years, you have provided hundreds of posts to this forum (in all of its various incarnations) and given loads of good advice to many people, myself included. i find it disappointing to see you harm your reputation here with a post like this. No one here is your enemy, though things like this make it very hard for people to call you friend.

I wish you and your family peace and happiness.

Mike

[numbr1dbcksfan]

I've always admired you, Indy. I hope all is well.