[Luvbeingmommy]

I posted this on another forum and didn't get any responses. Maybe I'll have better luck here!

Can any of you give me examples of AP? My 6 year old daughter (adopted from foster care) shows signs of RAD. Indescriminate affection, superficial charm, lying, etc. We had a problem with stealing last school year, but it seems to have stopped completely (a detective friend from church who she really likes talked to {scared} her and I check her dresser drawers, pockets, shoes, undies, backpack, etc regularly).
I checked with the websites mentioned in other posts and emailed to find the closest Attachment Therapist is 6 1/2 hours away. I have sent him an email also. I just wanted to get started with anything possible while I am waiting to hear from him.
Any examples and suggestions would be greatly appreciated.
Darla

[crick]

Sounds like you know a lot given the research you've done, so I assume you are doing the basic things?

no one but you takes care of her "mommy" needs, no one is allowed to hug her or call her endearing names but you. You rock with her, play games that help with eye contact, holding times.

Things like that? Or are you looking for more specific things?

[aspenhall]

have you gone to www.radzebra.com yet?

Basically you remove ALL opportunity for her to get her needs met by ANYONE except you. And then you play baby type games, loads of holding and rocking and backrubs, foot rubs and she needs to reciprocate too eventually, take turns her feet first and then yours.

It will be hard but you need to put a BIG dent in her self confidence (of her manipulative skills) thus far, she has been successful when she uses them......NO MORE! EVERY SINGLE manipulative attempt must be pointed out, and dealt with....At one point dd was not allowed to give me a kiss or say I love you because those were TOOLS to her....once she quit using them as tools, then she could say it again. I know, I was mean.... Your household needs to have a zero tolerance policy for poor behavior/choices. Make sure you always call it a choice.....she is responsible....... Kids like this don't see our patience as a merciful gift or anything like that, they see our patience as a WEAKNESS TO EXPLOIT. Also, she sounds old enough to understand things, so USE WORDS...tell her what she is doing, tell her what you are doing and tell her why, tell her what she should have chosen, tell her how it can be avoided next time, and MOST OF ALL keep reinforcing that her tricks won't work with you, acknowledge that they have worked before, but point out EVERY TIME "see, it won't work anymore" I tell dd her eyes change color when she lies to me...It is a color that moms/dads see. And that lil bit of self doubt wondering if her eyes have changed color while she lies to me is evident on her face, and It makes catching her in a lie EASIER!...pretty soon she will believe that she no longer has the capacity to trick you with a lie...and she'll be so flustered when she tries that it will be obvious to you.....

Start saying stuff like that to make her doubt her skills and she will start to wonder and you will be able to catch her on things more often, which will reinforce what you've been telling her. I also say stuff like "I know you had to do xyz in your first home, but you don't need to do that here, it's my job and I'm good at it, pretty soon you'll see that I'm telling the truth"

Lots of calling her bluff, setting up scenarios that prove you can be trusted....lots of "reading her mind" telling her you know what she is thinking and then BEING RIGHT about it.....once I got dd to doubt that I was just like all the rest of the grown ups, she let her guard down a bit, doubted her skills and eventually abandoned them....but for each time dd was successful in her manipulations, it took another month LONGER to get her to stop.....each success only build their confindence and staying power....you need to outlast them at all costs....never let her be successful at it...it will ruin all the progress. Be prepared to drop everything at a moments notice to deal with a situation....don't teach her that in public you won't do anything about it, or if your on the phone, or speaking to a friend.....teach her that no time/place is safe for her to mess around and get away with it. DD would watch and wait until she thought I was distracted enough, then do things....I have hung up on THOUSANDS of people mid sentance no warning to deal with situations. ALSO, never let her make you mad/frustrated/sad/.....that just tells her where your buttons are and makes it easy for her to manipulate your emotions...her consequences should NOT affect you....dd would sit in a time out for hours no problem if it meant I also couldn't go anywhere...so I got my dad to sit her while she was in a time out and we still went out.....That only had to happen 3 times and she quit prolonging the timeouts just to make me suffer too.

I'm sure there's more, but if you find a therapist CLOSE who is WILLING to do attachment based therapy, that may be ok too....at least to start.

[dadfor2]

I tell dd her eyes change color when she lies to me...It is a color that moms/dads see. And that lil bit of self doubt wondering if her eyes have changed color while she lies to me is evident on her face, and It makes catching her in a lie EASIER!...pretty soon she will believe that she no longer has the capacity to trick you with a lie...and she'll be so flustered when she tries that it will be obvious to you.....

aspenhall,
ok, a couple of thoughts...i would love to this with my younger one, who does have a lying problem. However, will it backfire, because i would be lying to him.

I love the idea, but im just wondering if its okay to do with kids who dont trust from the start.

if anyone can shed light on this, i would love to try it. so far my 'honesty' doesnt seem to work....

[2manyks]

yeah, none of the regular parenting stuff works. we have to be a different kind of parent for a different kind of kid. we can do it though. its true, we just have to read their minds and its not hard. i like the element of surprise dicipline tecnic. sometimes i time out, sometimes i take away a privilage, and sometimes i dont do anything. i found that if i say, "if you do this, then this is the consequence" so A would think it was a choice. not a cause and effect. she thought i was giving her a choice. so now i say ,"you'll be sorry if you choose to do that". since she doesnt know what the consequence is then she thinks twice about the behavior. she doesnt know if i will ignore her ir if i will get a babysitter and not let her go to the movie. she actually will choose the better behavior. i know it sounds wacky, but it works!

[aspenhall]

I consider it an "artistic license" .....What I actually see is a darkening of her soul thru her eyes (don't think I'm wacko).....they lose some of their "light" and sparkle......

Thats what I'm referring to....and also the guilt they feel about a wrongdoing is evident on their face.

The Eyes are the window to the soul and lying damages the soul...karma whatever...it is visable most times.....

"COLOR" is the easiest way to explain it to a child. But getting them to BELIEVE that you KNOW EVERY TIME they aren't telling the truth is the key. The more times they get caught the harder it is to keep up.

Now this is in conjunction with loads of other stuff, but it was a useful key to me.