[sltgjt]

I took my dd to the Dr. today for a checkup and to see if Shawn had molested her because she told me the day I made the Dr.'s appt. that Shawn touched her pee pee. I read a lot about what you guys wrote about kids getting abused by other kids and I got scared. I asked her if he had touched her and she said yes. She pionted to where he touched her and told me that he made her touch his pee pee. I never asked her that she just told me. The Dr. said that he didn't peritrate her. He was concerned for her and wanted to make sure she got help so he said he was calling dcf and they would help her by getting her into counseling. I thought great these people again. The woman that came to my house treated me like crap and basically called me a bad parent because I waited so long to ask my dd about Shawn. I almost started to cry and finally shouted that I guess I must be a horrible mother. I told her that I thought I watched them good and when I read about you guys and your kids I got scared and that is when I asked her. She said that I shouldn't believe a bunch of inexperienced people on the internet and that since they didn't remove Shawn from his foster home for having sex with his 4 year old sister then it must not have even happened. She kept interupting me and made me feel horrible because I forgot to put away a drill and a key had fallen on the floor. I will never go and try and get again not in my town they treat the victims like cr%^ and treat the abusers like Gods. Anybody else have experience like this? I wanted to tell her where to go but I kept my cool to an extent. I need some support right now.

[bandareed]

I am soooo sorry! How horrible for you! I haven't had this happen but I sure have heard of similar things. Workers like that need to take a very long vacation to get their common sense and compassion back...or quit!

I've read your posts and of course you are not a bad mom. And here online we are not inexperienced...that's just so off, it's funny!

Hang in there!

[lucyjoy]

I don't even know what to say. You are a good mom who did what good moms do to take care of their kids. Besides, she may not have been ready to tell you before. I'm so, so sorry you got treated that way.

I did have an experience of this nature with DCF about 4 years ago. It was horribly traumatic for me and my kids that were involved.

You did all the right things. I'm sorry that you were treated like a criminal.

[ajjhmf]

I'm so sorry you had this experience, but know you are not alone. We went through something similar a few years ago. It traumatized both me and J and the report was "unsubstansiated."

You did the right thing and are a great mom. Don't ever doubt that.

[Lorraine123]

I am so sorry you were treated list this. You are a great mom. It isn't your fault. The worker was WRONG to imply that you caused this. I wish I had the magic words of wisdom to offer you, but all I can give is a hug. I support you and respect you for your restraint. Your children are lucky to have you for their mom.

[skirbo]

I'm so sorry this has been such a hard experience for you. I think if I were you, and could take a little time to distance myself from the situation (just a day or so) I would call the supervisor, and calmly request a new investigator.

(Butter-wouldn't-melt-in-your-mouth) See, you realize that she probably just had a bad day/week before she came to see you, and while it may just be miscommunication or a personality difference, she has made you feel as if this situation is entirely your fault and you don't see how that can be productive to move forward with. Since you have always had such a good relationship with your adoption / social workers in the past, you think it must just be a personality conflict, and you don't want that to get in the way of getting your daughter and your family the help that you need.

If she's made you feel this badly, she's probably done it to other people too, and it won't be the first time that the supervisor has heard it.

Hugs,
Sarah

[Guppy]

that is soooo horrible, I am sooo sorry.
You are a great mom, you did your very best and then some. Worker was absolutely incompetent (surprise, surprise).
You did your best, I would turn to like a hotline for abused people, see if they can suggest some help/therapy, they will be more understanding in my opinion.
Good luck

[crick]

how uncool! I highly second Skirbo's suggestion and see if you can't get another worker. In any case, document the entire visit so that it's on paper for any questions etc. in the future.

I'm sorry you went through this!!

[roselee]

I am so upset for you. You have been such a great parent and to be treated like that...I just couldn't imagine all the mixture of emotions.

I agree with Bandareed about her needing to take a vacation to get back compassion or quit!!

Also for her to say that everyone here is inexperienced?? I can see why she would immediately say that...but now being on the other end...has she ever adopted or fostered??? She is the system most likely 9 to 5 or longer hours, but has she parented a child in the system??? That is where I believe the line between experienced and inexperienced comes in. Does that person live it every waking hour like most of you do??? So who is the true expert???

I HATE IT when some people loose control like that and when they really believe that they are the experts...Degrees don't mean anything when you are parenting a child with RAD or going through what you went through. They MEAN NOTHING!!

This person probably has a master's in social work...great masters by the way - I have friends who work for DCF, but that doesn't make them necessarily "experts." Me, a counselor, psychologist, undergrad in speech pathology, along with many many training hours for various disorders, special ed law etc...on top of that (speciality in behavior disordered children and also deaf). Given that, can I boast just given my degrees and specialities? Absolutely NOT - that would be prideful aroggance and completely inaccurate to say that I AM THE EXPERIENCED ONE AND THE EXPERT!! Do those degrees make me experienced or an expert on some of the topics that are discussed? Give me a break! I have even worked solely with foster children for about a year...did that make me an expert??? NO!!! I just grew in knowledge and continue to use that to better my career and helped more kids and parents. That is the reason why I ask you all!!! You are the experienced ones and I am learning immensenly and will take that and use it to better my career for other families.

You are the experienced, knowledgable ones because you have or are living with those experiences each day... I actually experienced it only 8 or 9 weeks. Book knowledge, working with a lot of children for a short time are A LOT different than parenting RAD children full time. Of course, you all know that! Am I going to use my small stint of experience to help in my profession and what you say on these forums to help people - Yes... Who will I go to for advice and learn regarding these issues - all of you!! I do have specialities, am experienced and I guess kind of an expert in some areas, like all of us are (I really hate the word, expert).

SLT: You did everything you could to protect your lil' one. You had/have a lot on your plate at that time. This woman just entered your life and seemingly judged you on the spot. I know it hurt and I want to bring you so many hugs. I could not imagine being in your situation right now.

Please remember the truth: You love your child dearly; you are a GREAT mom; you did everything you could and this woman either needs a long vacation, needs a different vocation and obviously believes she is the "real" expert because she works for DCF...We all know the truth here. Please please don't be like I would be in this situation: try not to dwell on this one woman's comments and remember that the real experienced people here now!!! I hope I am speaking for all by saying we really REALLY care for you and your daughter!! It's so hard not to dwell, but it will eat you up inside...I know...I am the master dweller.

God bless you!! My heart breaks for you so much right now.

[sltgjt]

You know I have been thinking and racking my brain about when this could have happened. In the last few months that Shawn was with us I didn't even let him near Gracie she was constantly with me. Then when I was talking to my DH about what had happened I remember last summer we had some trouble with my neice, cousin, and aunt. Long story short I had Shawn take Gracie in his room while we dealt with the family problems he was alone for probably 15 to 20 minutes with her. It was the only time I didn't have my eyes and ears on her. At that time we weren't having a lot of problems with Shawn and I didn't get how much of a threat he was. I didn't even know about RAD at that time. I believe her and maybe she was waiting for me to ask her. She is only 3 if this happened when I think it happened that was last summer and she was 2 then. I hadn't had to many talks with her at that time about telling if someone touches you. I have this past year. I think that it only happened once and I can only hope that she will forget about it. Thanks for all the support. I feel better now. I hate being put on the spot like that. I was stuttering and was so nervous because she was basically yelling at me.

[Tudu]

Give me that woman's name and number, I will happily call her and give her a piece of my mind. How dare her turn this on you. I just had a simular thing happen and I was really worried about sharing it with my agency. They were so wonderful. Reassured me that I can't have my eyes on everyone all the time. Gave me ideas to help with it in the future. It was not your fault, I am sorry you were treated so horribly.

[mamaluna]

What a travesty. I agree with the opinion that this "expert" should go on a very extended vacation. Better yet, maybe this "expert" should be given an opportunity to foster a troubled child 24 hours a day so that she can learn that not even she would be capable of picking up all the little things that fall on the floor or that get left out after being used. Even she will find that she has to sleep sometimes or has to deal with some one else's crisis and thereby unwittingly allows the door to abusive opportunities to silently open for just a minute or two.

You did the right thing and you did it soon enough. Your daughter will be O.K. because you love her, you have been careful and you will make sure that she gets whatever help she needs.

Hugs

Ginny

[hotspice58]

Sending you hugs and prayers!!! Get a new worker. This one has issues and you need someone with experience!!!

[sltgjt]

This sw also asked me when was the last time that I did drugs! My mouth dropped and I was shocked and told her never unless you count advil for a headache. She will be coming over tonight again to talk to my husband. He will be able to handle her better than me.

[roselee]

WHAT!! This has got to be a joke. Is this the same S.Wer? I would ask her what kind of drugs she has been taking!! Now I would say go above her head...she is out of control!!!!!!!!!