[mamaluna]

HI there! It has been a very busy first month here at home with Maxx. We celebrated his 2nd birthday a couple of weeks ago, he is sleeping well and eating as well as can be expected for a 2 year old, cuddling, singing and laughing with us and settling into our family's social routine fairly easily. He also has been finding and pushing Mommy's buttons to test her limits. We have seen absolutely NO hint of attachment problems... until today. Here is the situation:

Maxx's birth mom has raven black hair, it is stunning. Maxx has not been around anyone close to her age who has very black hair like that since we brought him home - until this weekend. We had a large weekend gathering of all my husband's siblings and their children to celebrate his parents' 40th anniversary. DH's sister has hair a bit darker than my medium brown and our niece has recently gone from light brown to true gothic black. Maxx seemed to enjoy their company quite a bit but I didn't clue in to the fact that it was a problem until this morning when he reached out for and clung to our niece in the pew at Church. When I asked him to come back to me, he turned away and molded himself to her. She handed him back to me and he expressed displeasure - not loudly or violently, but he was not really happy about being back in my arms when he could have been in hers. Every time he saw her this morning, he would whine and reach for her.

What do I do? This niece is a sweet young lady and she and my 12 year old daughter are very close. Until last year, they practically grew up together, then our niece moved across the country - this is the first we have seen of her for months. She will be in our area for the summer and for her sake and my daughter's sake, I cannot banish her from our home - besides, she is not the only woman he will ever meet with very dark hair.

Should I ask her to refuse to hold Maxx? Should I let him give her a hug and then have her hand him to me? Should I go dye my hair? (I've always wanted to try going dark chestnut or black and I need a cut this week anyway...)

Any advice or warnings will be appreciated!

Thanks! Ginny

[leastofthese]

Poor guy!

I would definitely try as much as possible to keep it to just you holding him. Although he hasn't seemed to have attachment issues, I think it would be remiss to assume that there aren't ANY, particularly in light of this behavior.

Obviously I wouldn't refuse to allow her to have contact with him, but your idea of letting her hug him a bit then hand him off to you is good.

I think another thing I'd do is to make sure to say things like, "Oh, there's (insert name)! She's your cousin!! You enjoy playing with her don't you?" Even though he's only 2, it might reinforce that this is NOT biomom, but it is someone it's okay to have fun with, but not a caregiver! Does that make sense?

I wouldn't worry too much. Just because he is "attracted" to girls with dark hair like biomom's doesn't indicate an attachment problem. In fact, it could possibly be a good thing. It could just mean he misses his biomom. If he did, in fact, develop an attachment to his biomom, that is great in terms of his eventual ability to fully attach to you.

[Barksum]

When we've adopted (3 toddlers, different adoptions, one was 26 months, two were 14 months at time of placement) we learned very early on to seriously limit who holds the new baby. For the first two months ONLY mom, dad, and occasionally siblings, hold the baby. This can cause some interesting reactions. ("Oh, look! Isn't that sweet that she's being an exclusive mommy!" or "Now honey, it's ok to share. We know you waited a long time to adopt but you don't have to over react.") Depending on the person I may or may not go into all the reasons behind only Mommy and Daddy holding baby. Do be very proactive about bonding at this crucial time.

Our youngest Ds loves to go to other people, so it was a bit awkward at times to NOT let others hold him. I can also understand if you haven't seen your niece in awhile and she'd want to hold the new baby and all. Perhaps limit the time he spends in her arms, and only when she's next to you. Explain to her WHY it is important to emphasize the bond between you and your new son and that you are not trying to exclude her.

Do not let her or others feed your son, especially when they are holding him. You need to be the only one feeding your son at this stage of the game.

I suppose if you are willing to darken you hair it might provide some familiarity for your new son. I don't know one way or the other what the "experts" say about that kind of thing. Having familiar smells and sights, food, etc. are all considered enhancments to bonding, so why not hair color?

[qs mom]

I would also suggest that you limit who holds him for a bit. He really needs to know that you are more than a mere caregiver, and that takes time.

My son is from a Roma orphange. The Roma have roots in Northern India. He's been home with me for almost 3 years. He is still drawn to olive complected, dark haired women and girls.

His two 'girlfriends' at school are Arabic. His favorite waitress at our corner diner is Meditreanean. It's just comfort for him.

Thankfully, I have dark hair, but am very fair complected.

[mamaluna]

Thank you for your replies, Lori, q's mom and Barksum,

I knew that things were going a little bit too well to really let my guard down. Maxx has been behaving absolutely appropriately with caregiver and social situations. We had decided to limit contact with others if it became obvious that there were going to be problems but he has been fine with everything except this one situation. When we are with family or at church or another social situation, he will cling to Daddy and I a bit, will accept a quick hug from some family members but immediately wants to return to us. It becomes a game sometimes, running with the little cousins and returning to mom and dad for a hug and a kiss and running off again with a big smile. The grandparents are all thrilled with him and he will let one grampa hold him a bit but otherwise, he is not interested in being held by anyone other than DH and I. But cousin L and her hair color is a different story.

We saw her again tonight at gramma's house and he immediately dove for her - even before we got through the door - and he screamed for her until she left the house, which was almost immediately. The poor girl has been having a terrible time lately (parents divorced years ago, she was raised here with lots of contact with extended family, last school year parents decided to let her live with Dad on the other side of the country, left all the friends and family she has ever known behind, dad turned out to be an imcompetent parent for a 15 year old girl, etc....) and she feels partiularly terrible about this - like it is all her fault for having gone "goth" and coming home for a visit right now. I feel terrible that this situation is adding to her stress and feelings of insecurity.

So anyway, I am going tomorrow to get a cut and color. I believe that haircolor may be an attachment cue for him. If that is true, I should use it. If it freaks him out, I'll go Tuesday and get it changed again. Hair recovers from experimentation! Also, if hair color is an attachment cue for him and he sees his new mamma and cousin with that raven black hair, he may be more willing to just accept small interactions with her while he remains with me, instead of screaming to get out of my arms to go to her while she is in the room.

Wish us luck!

[skirbo]

I don't know if it helps to say this or not, but parrots often have very strong feelings about hair color. I went from dark to blonde once and it pretty much ruined my really close relationship with one of my macaws-we never recovered from it.

So, personally, I say, go ahead and dye your hair-you can always grow it out again when he's older.

Sarah

[qs mom]

All I can say is, anything is worth a try!

Speaking of a cut, by son was a littel freaked the first time I got my haircut. I had very, very long hair. I cut off about 18" and donated it to Locks of Love. I still had long hair, but he really had to adjust.

So, maybe don't change the cut too much. You don't want to cause another goofy problem.

[momraine]

I think kids do que into hair. I remember when my son (bio, but with aspergers) was in first grade. He told me I should cut my hair to look like all the other moms. (I was the only mom in that yuppie neighborhood with long straight hair, everyone else had thier very styled and mostly shorter) later that day he came running in crying and he grabbed a piece of my hair and began to run his hands down it (something he has done since he was a newborn, he used to do it during nursing) and he told me not to ever cut it. I have a friend who has a very clingy baby. She won't go to anyone at church except two of us who have long hair, LOL. Mom had been thinking of cutting her hair, but now decided only to trim it a little and wait a while for a more drastic cut.
I would love to hear how the new hair color works.

[mamaluna]

O.K. so I spent two hours and a big chunk of $$ getting my hair dyed black yesterday. It feels pretty weird... I've never colored my hair before beyond henna highlights and amateur peroxide highlights in my teens. People say it looks great - I feel like an imposter. Maxx doesn't seem to care either way, which is reassuring, he looked at my hair for a half a second and then just looked in my eyes. He has a firm grasp on who I am and likes me regardless of what color my hair is. He did seem to want to be picked up a lot yesterday, but I think that he wasn't feeling well because he kept falling over his own two feet and bumping his head on things. Teething again.

I spoke to our counseller from the agency that connected us with Maxx's birth mom and he said that Maxx's reaction to my niece was good for a couple of reasons:

1. It shows that he had a good attachment to his bio mom and that he misses that attachment (therefore he is willing and able to form a new attachment with me.)

2. It gives us an opportunity to transfer some of that attachment by allowing my niece to hold him sometimes with me sitting next to them, singing or talking to Maxx and rubbing his back.

He warned me to avoid allowing Maxx to be alone with her or allowing him to be held by her for very long at a time, however. He also said that we should be careful about creating a power struggle where he wants to be near my niece and I refuse to let him - that could create a lot of anger and confusion about me in Maxx's mind and disrupt our attachment process.

Now, here's my Arrrghh. All of that was very reassuring and I was excited to share it with our family. Normally our family is very supportive and kind and encouraging and humble but my sister-in-law really ticked me off last night. She listened to my explanaition of the counsellor's assessment and suggestions and then said "Well, I'm glad that you are reassured about this. You've been doing your reading and that's good, but you should be aware that kids just really like her. There's something about her that children really respond to and I wouldn't be surprised if that is what you are seeing with Maxx."

I'm not an idiot and I didn't appreciate being treated like one. I've been with Maxx day and night for 7 weeks as his mother and he has NEVER yet reached that level of intimacy with me, even when he was very tired or hurt. I have been careful about learning what sort of behaviors I should expect as good signs and as bad signs. I've been very careful about making sure that he understands that I am mom, that he is safe, that he is loved and that there are endless opportunities for happiness and security in our family. I know what he acts like at home with Daddy and Sissy and I, what he acts like when he's alone with me and what he acts like when he is in a social situation with strangers. Because he acted like a perfectly normal 2 year old all weekend with the extended family, they are assuming that he must be a perfectly normal 2 year old.

He is - he is a perfectly normal 2 year old who was placed for adoption 7 weeks ago because bio mom decided to give him up 20 weeks (or more) ago and walked away 11 weeks ago. There is no way on earth that it should be "normal" or "natural" or "to be expected" that he should conform his little body to that of my niece and cling to her like that just because children always "really like her." If he had been with us longer and if he had reached the point where he was clinging to me like that as a natural part of our relationship, I would not be worried and I would accept their assessment.

I can see that I'm gping to have to do some more education with her and maybe the family in general but I'm too angry and frustrated right now to try. Does anybody have suggestions about that?? These are normally very reasonable people!

Thanks!

Ginny

[hotspice58]

Welcome to the world of families!!! Even the most loving family members will say things to piss you off!!

[Faith65]

Sounds like my MOther! Sorry.

Your doing a super job with your son! Keep up the good work.

[Tudu]

Gotta love your family. I can always depend on them to say the wrong thing at the right time.