[roselee]

Long AGAIN!!! PLEASE GIVE WARM FUZZIES. I AM READY TO LOSE IT!! -> OR GIVE ME A JOKE

Guilt!! A five letter word with a big punch behind it.

Tell me if you would feel horrible!! VERY HORRIBLE!
D's grandfather is dying and he is close with his other relatives. They all cry hard when they tell me they wanted to take him but couldn't (many cancers, car accidents (not alchol related), old age, etc.). When I told the main "great aunt" in D's life about us disrupting with D and why, she seem to understand. The extremely unfortunant thing is that she told me about two weeks after we had D that her brother (D's grandfather) has been getting chemo and radiation for his throat cancer and has minimal chance of survival. At that time, disruption was not an option...we were in the honeymoon stage and things were going great - semi-great.

Today I tried calling her, but her sister picked up the phone. She asked me how it was going and asked why the adoption wasn't working. I focused more on the differences of personality and how having a three year old with D was not good and explained why...I did not focus on any of his negative behaviors at all. She said she didn't get it at all and said she was trying not to judge but it was very hard for her not to. I told her I completely understood. I then focused completely on what is right for D and what kind of family he will need to succeed...all attention and focus on him, etc.
She then seemed to understand more.

She told me that because all of us (my two year old, husband and I) have met the entire family that they all loved us and felt a part of our family and that it should have worked out. She just started bawling....she again, told me to be very careful about only saying good things to D's other aunt about the transition. that aunt is the one with the most guilt and has been taking care of the family at the same time...oh, and also had a pretty serious car accident (not her fault) in the midst of all of this!!

This one person's primary feelings were that we were giving up on him. I told her that it did seem that way, but we knew that D needed more than we could give him, and wanted him to have that chance. She is very worried that he will be past from home to home...the case workers are pretty convinced this newly picked family can handle almost anything...we'll see. We are in our early 30's and have never had a 10 year old. This other couple is about 15 years older and have raised two girls. I told her that was a very good thing for D to have experienced parents. That really seem to make her more happy. I really had to say something to give her a sort of peace...her brother is dying for goodness sakes and the foster family (us) that she loved is seemingly giving up on her great nephew....(I FEEL HORRIBLE!!!)

So, I feel I am losing a family, too. I feel the most guilty about timing...there really couldn't be a worse time, huh???? The grandfather who is dying loved us. It was his daughter who did drugs and neglected D.

I no longer care about what the family thinks about me or how they judge our family. I just care about there emotional state right now. I love them as a family...really!! However, I don't care about judging because I know deep down inside I am doing what is right for D even if others don't see that!!!
I can care less anymore about what anyone thinks about me or my families decisions right now! Hopefully someday everyone will understand I did what was right. If they don't - oh well. The fact will always remain...My husband nor I have the certain characterstics needed to take care of D (plus having a two year old doesn't help).

Doesn't that take some strength??? (hint hint...need warm fuzzy now). Knowing that you and your family can't take care of a child no matter how much you want to?? Knowing that most people who knows about the adoption and then the disruption will judge you? Knowing that the grandfather who is dying probably knows and may die incredibly unhappy because of this (I DO care about that, though...that is where I can't shake off the guilt).

Most are christian as well as we are.. So they really can't understand...

So reading about this and my posting regarding depression and everything I am going through right now with life...is it fair to say that I am seriously clinically depressed and am going through a lot?? My body aches like it never has before. I can't even move due to all this internalized stressed and saddness! I slept forever last night and today. I made my husband get up and watch "N" this morning. I slept around 13 hours or so.

At least I can still have a sense of humor thanks to you all!!! That is what will keep me going!

I must admit...I am a stronger person now in so many ways.

[Lorraine123]

When you disrupt, people will not understand, that is a fact and there is nothing you can do about it.

[roselee]

...that I will have to learn to accept. I don't really care about most people accepting it.I just feel guilty about D's family because the grandfather is dying and all. I guess it's guilt I need to TRY to let go of because the timing is not my fault. My lack of discernment and not listening to you all before I even took him in is my fault. The focus now needs to be on D's transition, so I have to SHAKE this off of me...So, very hard

My mother-in-law told me that it sounds like they may be giving me a guilt trip. They are a very VERY large family and someone could surely take him in. She said that if they are that concerned someone could step up to the plate...we all have issues. She said the just brush it off and move on.

D is in respite right now with that family and is doing really well (surprise surprise...no attachment). He is acting like and angel...really? Hmmm...I wonder how he will be tonight?

[aMarylandfamily]

... is hearing what others say about you ... and whether you are painting your house purple or taking in 100 kids or letting go of 1 there is always someone who will have something negative to say ... thinking they could either change your mind or do better in this situation ... when they really don't know all that led to the decisions involved.

Keep thick skinned and remember - your decision is being made in the best interest of your family and that is what is most important!

[bandareed]

You are being strong. You've taken advice and disrupted the way others suggested (giving D time to adjust before being moved) even though you were afraid of the results. You are completely worn out emotionally right now. It does hurt when others don't understand, and blame you...don't I know it!

It seems to me that after some time you will feel better, but then all of a sudden the loss, the pain, the regret, (or whatever) will come back for a brief visit occasionally. At least that's what I've experienced. You will make it through!

Remember this experience to a certain extent so that you can share with others that are going through the same (as you already have).

Wish I had some jokes for you!!!!

[roselee]

Thin vs thick-skinned!!

I am used to being liked because I am non-judgmental, happy (just don't bother me in the morning), have an acute sense of people's feelings and can react to them accordingly; however, this year has been like no others.

This single year everything has changed:

Some people at my new job don't like me and have been passing around rumors or negative comments about me (I have no idea about what nor do I care to know - I will be gone soon); they have been judging me from the beginning although they hardly know me...I don't look or act conceited and am very nice! There is no reason. Some have said things about me in my peer evaluation that is EXTREMELY opposite of who I truly am...my boss noted that, was very confused at their comments and decided not to use those in my records. However, these people have made it impossible to do my job. I have given up and no longer cross paths with them unless I have to regarding a child.

The situation with D and the parenting style I have had to learn has been difficult for a thin-skinned person; I have been learning. D's words towards me haven't been that difficult on me because I am used to working with behaviorally disordered children at school.

Other peoples reactions towards me regarding my discipline to D have been difficult, especially considering as a school psyhcologist. People would usually profusely thank me over and over again for helping their child! Now, I am being judged because I am disciplining differently!!

Now the disruption: I am past the point of even caring about being judged - or do I? I think I really REALLY just want to make people understand why I am doing it so that they won't judge me, which they never will understand - so I guess I just counseled myself right out of "not caring about being judged." That just shows I do care about what people think and still need to be thicker skinned!! I am getting A LOT better - I think I am now thicker skinned than MAYBE the average person. I have also learned not to be so trusting!!

So, this year I have had to learn to be thicker-skinned at my work, through the experiences with D and peoples comments....have I learned?? It's a process and for me it will be longer than the average person.

I have always been considered a very good hearted, extremely empathetic and sensitive person. So, I am learning that perhaps I am still too thin-skinned (hence the anti-anxiety meds - always analyzing peoples nonverbal and verbal communication in a conversation, etc).

God allowed me to endure all these cirucumstances to teach me to STOP caring about what other people think if you know you are doing the right thing - the disruption as an example.

My being thin-skinned is just one more reason why adopting an RAD child is really not good right now if ever. I have a good self-esteem...I don't rely on people to like me for my self-worth...that's not it, I just get too concerned about what I have done if they don't reciprocate or like me....

...so I need to improve and deciding on the disruption I think has definitely made me thicker-skinned probably because I know it's not about me but D and his best interest!!!!

[sltgjt]

You know before we sent Shawn back to Ohio his CASA worker was crying on the phone to me begging me to keep him because he would just get lost in the system. Can you even imagine what to say to that? CPS up there told me that they weren't a dog pound and that we shouldn't just get rid of a kid because he didn't always behave. I was so angry and came very close to saying some very nasty things that I would mean, but regret because they would have used it against us. I just told her that he was going to be going to a group home before they took him from his uncle. It is funny that cps down here told us to sent him back and that they had talked to cps up in Ohio and they were willing to take him. It all came down to nobody wanting to deal with Shawn, them because that was another kid to deal with and us because we couldn't handle all his issues. Roselee I guess I told over your vent session, sorry. Roselee when is D been disrupted? After school ends?

[roselee]

SLT: what an awful experience. The CASA worker probably no longer works there - it was probably too hard on her emotionally. I honestly can't believe that the CPS worker would say that. I would have "flipped" over the dog pound comment! Actually I probably would have been in complete shock and wouldn't have been able to speak, then later would have talked my husbands ears off about how MAD I was about that comment...how I would be calling the head management, notifiying the papers, etc....Yep, that's me! No wonder why my husband loves caves!!

Banda: Thanks for your comment about being strong..I really feel like the emotionally weakest person in the world right now. However, it is probably due to just being emotionally worn out. At least I will be able to relate to certain adoptive and foster parents now, and others who go through similiar issues. I do believe it will help me be a better school psychologist. My whole perspective has changed entirely. I see the other side of it and understand to a certain extent.

You made me think even more about this: I will now be having district-wide presentations related to RAD issues in my new school district (moving). I may just volunteer to do some presentations at other school districts as well because I feel so strongly that the word needs to get out to help these children and the parents. At that time, I will probably want to use some of your experiences....of course not without changing names and ONLY with your permission (breach of confidentiality is not good or ethical).

I may also focus on testing and diagnosing kids who have been in the foster care and how CAREFUL we need to be!!! I will also definitely focus on BLAMING or JUDGING the parents who have these children and how the parenting is different with these children. I don't want that judging to occur in my school district and have a parent feel alone...it won't if I can help it!!

[skirbo]

You know, Roselee, everything happens for a reason. I bet that in your new school district you will be a really strong advocate for these kids and their families, and help them get the support they need in the educational system.


Good for you.

Sarah

[Kerbchek]

As for the guilt about all the saddness in D's bio family... cancer, grandfather dying... I've come to find that some families always always always always have some kind of crisis. If you stepped into their family 5 years ago the crisis may have been different, in 6 months, a year, or 5 years from now... there still may be some big crisis. I think that's just how some families live - or at least come across to others...

maybe I'm wrong, but good luck not internalizing the drama of his biological family... no time to disrupt would be a good time, but it something that must be done sooner than later... I have been thinking of you through all this and I'm sending as many positive vibes your way I can muster up!!!

[sltgjt]

You know D has helped you become a better psycologist and you have the power to help so many people from your experience with him and that is something really wonderful.

[Lorraine123]

You know D has helped you become a better psycologist and you have the power to help so many people from your experience with him and that is something really wonderful.

I don't think that is something wonderful at all. I don't think we bring children into our homes and disrupt and then think its great because we learned something. Yes, we do learn as a result, but it isn't "really wonderful" because it is at a child's expense.

[sltgjt]

I am trying to think of all the parents and teachers she will help because she actually learned about what RAD really was all aout. I didn't say taking a kid in and then disrupting was a wonderful thing just the fact that she will be able to help others is good. I was strung along by the school system not listening not even caring about the materials that I gave them on RAD all they did was look into Shawn's beautiful brown eyes and believed everything he said. It got so bad that the teachers, principal wouldn't return any of our messages and we were leaving at least 3 a day for a week and sending notes to school. Because they believed everything Shawn said about us he got even worse and knew he could get away with anything. If the school would have helped us and talked to us about problems we were having at home instead of not caring and believing us maybe our home life wouldn't have gotten so uncontrolable. He was in a special class for kids with emotional problems and they still didn't get it. Roselee has the oppertunity to help parents who are going through this and teachers who just don't get it. She will be able to help them to better handle RAD kids and their parents. Maybe if that happens they parents will having an easier time parenting their RAD kids and not get to the piont of disruption. It was when nobody understood and turned their backs on us that gave us the final push to disrupt.

[meowylyn]

There is nothing wonderful about disruption, for anyone involved. It is a very painful experience for all. Admitting you cannot meet the needs of the child and sending that child away are the most difficult things you may do in your adult life.


I do agree (and hope) that roselee will be able to help others as a result of this. Speaking from experience, all involved parties (child and parents alike) will need a great deal of support afterwards. Some people will never understand and may treat her differently. It's not something you go into lightly.

Roselee, be strong and keep the faith. You, D, and your families are in my thoughts and prayers.

[sltgjt]

Again I wrote that it was wonderful that she will be able to help other people. I said nothing about disrupting being a wonderful thing. Go back and reread my post. I was trying to help someone who felt hopeless at least see a little light at the end of the tunnel. Turning your backs on someone who feels horrible and at the end of their rope is not right neither is trying to make them feel worse. None of you most have ever suffered from depression because if you had you wouldn't have been so cruel. Next time think about your responses because you could push someone over the line to where they commit suicide.