[bandareed]

Today, I was taken aside by a "friend" and told that I wasn't a good enough parent. I am literally shaking. There was more. Please excuse me if I don't make much sense, I am very shaken.

My DD is 8 years old. She was adopted at 5. I am a single parent. DD is RAD, bipolar and Hyperactive. She is challenging but improving.

My friend pulled me aside today and stated that she has concerns that "K" is not getting what she needs. (not materially, attention and so forth). She wants K to come live with her for awhile. Apparently, because I'm still looking for work, I appear overwhelmed. However, in my defense, I have not spent time with this friend lately at all. Then she added that she has already gone to apply to be a foster parent, in case "anything happens". And that there has been talk of calling protective services.

The only specific thing that she stated was that I don't hug K enough and that I send her to her room when she's acting out. She claims the child is "isolated". Please!

I haven't recovered enough yet, to be mad. But I'm heading towards a doosy of a mad.

Also, "friend" would love to parent K, is way too affectionate with her, as are her two early teens, boy and girl. She is overly attatched to her.

DD is very RAD. She is cute as a button. Very affectionate and VERY manipulative. She has had 9 foster placements, and this is the only one that could handle her and in which she is improving. I am not a perfect parent but I am doing well with her. She is an only child BTW.

Does anyone understand? I feel so alone right now. Nobody understands what it is to parent K 24-7. I love it but it's a challenge. On a final note K's biological brother was adopted into another family, and they do "get it" (they had K awhile). I'm waiting for his mom to call me back. I need some support,

[brandydawn]

Wow, I am so sorry. I don't have any experience with this situation but I just had to offer you my support.

I cannot imagine the feeling of a supposed "friend" telling me something like that. That she would go so far as to apply to be a foster parent...it sounds so calculated.

Hugs to you

Regards,
Brandy

[StorkWatcher]

I am also sorry you are made to feel this way!!! Does this friend have a good deal of experience w/ RAD? It sure doesn't sound like it!

It always looks/sounds easier than when you are living it. I wish I could come up with something not heated and helpful for you to use in a response to her. She may just be reading a whole lot into what she thinks is your situation, especially if you haven't had as much contact w/ her lately.

I don't like the sound of her planning on being a backup, behind your back. Maybe she just needs an education on parent a child w/ RAD as well as to know how much she has hurt your feelings. I hope she just thought she was just trying to help by showing she'd support you, if you really needed it some time. If so, she chose to do it in a really hurtful way.

[bandareed]

Thank you both for your replies. I'm actually still shaking, and feel sick to my stomach.

To add more to the story, my daughter and I moved cross country last summer. My "friend" and her family is one of three families, including myself that moved. So we are still building ties. I just found out that this friend, has gotten together with a newer friend of mine, to "discuss this issue" and has convinced her that I am overwhelmed and that she ("friend") is the good guy.

Neither have any clue at all about RAD or bipolar. In fact "friend" doesn't agree with the doctors diagnosis. BTW, we have a therapist and a psychiatirist (sp?).

"Friend" has mentioned many times that she will "get" K if I die. She was very mad that I won't just hand over K to her right now. My guess is that she will call children's services.

I don't fear losing K. I know she is well cared for. But I am in a new state and completely isolated right now and am feeling very attacked. "Friend" is very controling and will not let this go.

Some of the hurt comes from sharing my struggles with her and having it used against me, by someone that just can't understand. I'm so afraid to share with anybody, and this is why. And no, while her concerns have "some" merit, I am doing a good job, K is NOT isolated!!!!!!!

[StorkWatcher]

Then I'm glad you have real friends here, if you don't have anyone there to turn to right now.

Please try to take a deep breath. You love K and are doing the best for her - you know that. But I realize how outraged you are feeling. I hope you will get the chance to calm down before speaking w/ both your friends. I think it would help if you were able to calmly state how you really know things are going and explain some of K's needs and characteristics that might make it appear that she's isolated or not doing what she thinks is "normal". I would hope she could eventually understand what improvements you and K are making together and how the progress is coming along.

Do you have a church you go to? I was thinking if you could talk to a pastor ore someone. Or some other unbiased 3rd party person who will be a good listener, but won't be too close to the situation.

I wish I could help!

[bandareed]

You are helping! I'm usually very stable, but I'm falling apart right now. I just need some contact and support. I do go to church and have a bible study group. We pray for my dd. I don't have ph#'s so I have to wait until Sunday... My dd's bio-brother's adoptive mom did call me back briefly (she's at work) and will call me later. She is fired up! Thank God for her, she does understand and is in my corner. I don't know why I'm letting this get to me This much. Thank you for the support, you have no idea how much it means right now!!!!

[StorkWatcher]

Glad to hear you have the Bible study. I just read something today that said, "Don't Worry - PRAY!"

I'll say prayers for you this weekend, and say some extra for yourself. I am so glad you'll get to talk to someone later today also.

I'm leaving work now, so I won't be online. I wish you a much more peaceful weekend and that your friends will have understanding .

[SuzBerg]

I am so sorry for your "friend's" actions. I do not have any experience to share, I do not have a child with RAD. But I have read enough on these boards to know that since I have not parented a child with RAD I cannnot possibly understand or presume to know what those parents go through or how the should parent their child.

I have had people tell me how I should parent my child though, I should hold her more, I shouldn't hold her so much, I should give into her when she throws a fit, I should ignore her when she throws a fit, I could go on but I won't you get the idea. I just politely ignore them and in my mind scream "mind your own business"!

I hope things get better, I'm sure there are some here with experience who can give you some better advice than I have. Just wanted to offer some support. - Suz

[kay]

So sorry to hear this. My only thought is to give her one of Nancy Thomas' videos - she is so clear about RAD childrens' behaviors, and how best to live with them and parent them so they will heal. I would certainly want to remove myself from this "friend" - and I sure hope this "friend" isn't actually in your will as your child's guardian! (Imagine the shock if she actually were to become The Mother, and the behaviors were directed towards her!!)

I hope as you get settled in more to your new community, you can find new friends (perhaps through your Bible study?) who will be more supportive.

[ajjhmf]

IMHO, I would cut all ties with this "friend" and the other "friend" she is conning. A true friend doesn't try and take your kid. A friend is not what these women are. I would document your conversation with her so that should she call CPS, hopefully it will be apparent to any investigator that she is only doing this because she wants your daughter.

I think the hardest thing about parenting a child with RAD is the isolation and loss of friends and family members. It's been over 2 years since my RAD child left and I'm still reeling from experience. We left our church, lost our friends and became estranged from our family. Please know that you are not alone. There are many of us here that understand you and what you are going through.

We have a regular Friday night chat here on the forums at 9pm est. There are lots of people who come to the chat who know what you are going through. If you get a chance after your daughter goes to bed, come and join us. We usually go well past midnight and would love to offer you our support.

Blessings,
Jenny

[Lorraine123]

bandareed -

As I read your post, I really feel your pain. I have totally been there.

Friends" don't get it. They see the charm, the sweetness, the extroversion, the friendliness. They don't realize that that is really RAD.

I have lost friends and family as a result of this journey. The friends that I now have, I don't really discuss my daughter with. When they ask me how she is doing, I say "Great, today in school they learned X, and she enjoyed it." I say something noncommittal.

In fact, I really don't socialize too much with friends anymore because I can't relate to their lives and they can't relate to mine. Unfortunately, that is what happens to us RAD moms.

I have been criticized by friends as well. And it really hurts. We are working so hard and giving our lives to a child who can't accept it, and then someone puts us down for it. Its very personal. It hurt worse than having a knife stuck in you. Words do hurt.

We have given RAD information to family, but they still refuse to see a problem. I have had family tell me that they don't believe it and that they know that you can find a therapist to say whatever you want them to say.

I don't have a solution for you, I'm sorry. I use this location for my support. Only here have I found people who truly get it.

Keep posting here. It really will help you work through the pain. Realize that there are others who understand how you feel right now.

Lorraine

[momraine]

I too will pray for you. I think the first thing you need to do is find some new friends! Get involved in church. IF this friend goes to your church you may want to look for another one. (if that's possible) I would try to find social groups and places that don't involve this friend and avoid her. She is trying to manipulate things and so being around her, every little thing will give her amunition. The next thing you should do is write a will. If you can't afford a lawyer at least do a written one that you can have notarized and give to a trusted person. That way if the friend brings it up you can simply smile and "Oh that's so sweet of you to be concerned, but don't worry I have a will and I have ensured that K will be cared for." If she continues to say something like she is assuming it's her. You can say "Oh, I'm sorry, no I had to do what I thought was best for K, but I know you would support the person I choose 100%, after all K will need lots of friends if something were to happen to me." Or you could say something like "Oh how sweet of you, and of course you know that I will be ready to take your children if something happens to you." I am sure you are not her choice, so that should leave her sputtering.
Personally I would write the friend a note and tell her how much she hurt me and that you don't understand what you have done to make her want to say such hurtful things and how hurt you are that she discussed your personl business with other people. Maybe assuring her that you would never do such a thing to her. But remembering to keep it very polite, because she will surely show it to other people. I would also be prepared for her call to social services. We had a neighbor once who called because she didn't think my "disabled" daughter should be allowed to play outside in the fenced back yeard with her big brothers. I had phone numbers for our pediatrition, PT, Teacher, and a photocopy of our postplacement report and our homestudy from the social worker. It was of course dismissed. The lady who came out said the paperwork I handed her made it a lot easier. Especially the post placement stuff. I would have paperwork on RAD available also. Perhaps letters from the phycologist and social worker.
You might also look into other social groups, parents without partners or something like that would have activities you could do with your daughter and this woman would not be invited of course.

[Lorraine123]

Thats a good point. Can you get a letter from the therapist explaining your child's issues? If you have social services called you, you need to be prepared. See if the therapist has an emergency number. Our social worker has called our social services department and left information about our daughter on file, so if we are called in, they will be aware of what is going on. Better to be prepared than not ready.

[bandareed]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I appreciate EVERY word that has been written and plan to take the advise! You all are a blessing. I've been "lurking" awile and felt strongly that "finally, here are people that understand!". I do plan to break ties with this friend. And I'm prepared to have CPS at my door. What a great idea to be proactive and have written letters from the Dr. and info on RAD, available. I'm going to do that.
It is so painful to be judged when you are trying so hard and doing your best. The tears are finally drying up a bit...yeah I'm being needy and a big baby about this. I hold it together all the time, so this is my time to let go. Bless you all and thank you for the prayers. Single parenting can be tough on top of all of this. The words of understanding and encouragement are really appreciated.

[lovemy6]

I too have lost friends over them not understanding nor wanting to understand RAD and why I can't parent my younger children like I do my older ones. They don't understand that I need to be more rigid with them, that I'm doing it for them. I got tired of hearing that I should loosen up and let them be kids. They can't understand that they're already NOT regular kids who can just have fun. They were on high alert all the time and had so many unsafe issues. I found the best friends were other foster parents who had challenging children. My non-fostering friends just couldn't understand. Is there an adoption or foster support group around you?