[wenrl]

I've got that sad lump in my stomach today. We're going on three weeks of missing out on a new family member because I missed an email while taking three days off of work. We heard her workers would like to place her with us with the intent to adopt and we've been waiting for their call. No call. We've tried to reach our new worker and old worker. Nobody responds.

Yesterday, DW came to the conclusion they're not responding, because they've decided not to move forward with us. We really expected to hear something by now due to the time-frame this child would be moving. I've been so excited and feeling like this was going to happen and now I too am starting to give up. Everyday, I've been waking up excited, thinking this will be the day of the call and now I'm feeling this will be the day of no calls or bad news.

I can't believe we have been waiting months for a foster care placement. This is not what I expected when we switched to foster care. It seems like, knowing we want to adopt again, the workers are waiting to place us with a child that is heading toward termination. That would be ideal, but we don't care that much at this point. We'd really just like to have more children in our home and whatever will be will be.

Even though we never saw the girl we were considered for or knew everything about her, we were becoming attached to the idea of her, getting used to her name and imagining what she will look like. We liked how different she sounded from T. and thought that would be really great.

Here's my guilty confession, we fear SWs may know T. was hard to place and are therefore saving us up for a child with greater emotional and behavioral needs since T. has done so well with us. We love T., but we are tired. We would really like it to be a LITTLE easier this next time around, or at least different. We're not foolish enough to expect it to be perfect or always easy, but we prefer not having more of the same issues. Is that wrong? Selfish?

I'm starting to feel like this will never happen and wondering why we put ourselves through this. Of course, we were about to give up all together when we were finally matched with T. so maybe I'll be proved wrong soon and things will move forward.

I keep thinking about how I never expected taking a few days off work would cause me so much stress. It kinda makes me mad, because it's not like we went to Europe or something. I took three days off to go to Home Depot, have lunch out and watch videos! We were supposed to be taking it easy! Those few days of relaxation were so not worth it! Guess who is paranoid to miss a message or not check her email every 5 minutes now? Guess who doesn't want to relax anymore?

[bjolly]

::::hugs:::::
I wish they'd at least tell you what's going on. It's so hard when you get excited about a new addition, only to be let down.

hang in there...I know it's hard to believe at times like this but I do believe that we get the kids that are meant for us.

partway through our home study, our agency decided we needed to be put on hold for 8-12 months so that we would be together longer at the time we began looking for kids. We were crushed. When we finally began the process again we were matched with our daughter very quickly. If we had been approved a year sooner she wouldn't have been available, nor emotionally ready for a family.

maybe God is saving you for the next child who is meant for you. try to hang in there.

[kay]

So sorry to hear this. It's been so long since I've been on the matching roller coaster, it's tempting to give oh-so-wise advice about how your child comes at just the right time, and it'll all work out for the best, if not with this child, then with the child who will be yours - but while that all may be very true, it sure doesn't help with the heartache and uncertainty you're feeling now. And though I try not to, I do remember those feelings. It's a hard time, and despair does sometimes appear. My sympathies, and I hope that you hear something positive very quickly.

And please try not to beat yourself up for taking those days off. If anyone should feel badly, it's the worker who didn't follow up with a phone call. You just can't stop your life and sit by the phone or the computer and will it to ring or give you a message. (though I've done that, too!)

[octavias]

((((((((Wenryl)))))))
I know how disapointing and painful it can be to get your hopes up and have NOTHING happen! Sometimes it's easier to get a quick no, than to be left hanging.
I don't think you are selfish to recognize that you are tired, and to want to parent a child with a different personality. Maybe that's why God makes them all so different, to keep it interesting!
I also know that it can be really hard to not do the what if's. What if I'd got the email sooner, what if our homestudy was written differently, what if.... For us, we didn't get chosen for the first child we went to committee on, and she was a doll. Seriously, very few issues, stable fhome, ect. Our worker happened to be on extended leave, and her fill in was a woman with oodles of experience sitting on committee's but who had NEVER presented before!!!! Talk about the what if's !!!!! It was torture, and we had to wait and antisipate for 6 weeks before we got told no. And our #%^* replacement worker wouldn't let us look at any other children in the mean time. It was hell.
Today I comfort myself with the knowlege that what is supposed to happen, will happen. Even if I don't understand it, all will work out just as it was intended too. I know the same is true for you and your family. Your an awsome parent, and God has just the right child for you. Hope that gives you some comfort.
God Bless,
Oct

[SuzBerg]

Wenrl - I am so sorry! When a match doesn't work out it is a very real "loss". You have planned for and hoped for this placement. I have read your excitement and desire for another child, I hope it will happen for you soon. Please don't beat yourself up about taking a few well deserved days off- it would be nice if we could make workers do follow-up phone calls, I mean how hard would that have been for them? Sometimes the system "sucks" (should I not use that word?). I will think good thoughts for you regarding this, or a future placement. Hugs - Suz

[wenrl]

Thanks for the support guys! I really appreciate all your kind words.

Unfortunately the whole God and what's meant to be will be argument never works for me. I am a firm believer in sometimes good things just happen and sometimes stuff just sucks for no big cosmic reason -- it just does. But, I appreciate your thoughts all the same.

I am beginning to come to terms with setting a deadline for something to happen. I think when T. turns 10 in September, we will give up and remove our homestudy from everywhere. There will come a point when T's place as an only child will be set in stone and I think it won't work to add another. As for myself, I cannot sit around and wait for the life I want to happen to just come to us. Eventually, I'm going to have to accept our family and lives as they are and just live in it. Sure something will happen if we wait long enough, but we went through 2 years waiting for T. and around Sept. it will be a year waiting again. I get too caught up in waiting for something to happen and it feels like wasted time. I cannot do it indefinately. It's just too hard to live on a rollercoaster for years at a time.

What makes it hardest of all is workers keep telling us how interested they are in our family and what great parents we make. Someone told us she wished she could clone us as foster parents. Then we see the ads to become a foster parent, because we're so needed. I hear of people on the foster care board who get placements before they are done with training or the day their homestudy is complete. They get calls to take on more than they have room for. They get calls to accept children outside of their specifications. Although we get praised up and down, we're either not needed or not really what the system is looking for. Is there something wrong with us? Is this because we don't want siblings? Is our age range too small? Is this about being two moms? I'd love to ask our new worker, but she doesn't respond to calls or email so far. 5 more months and I'm stepping off this rollercoater. I keep contacting the workers I do know and they always respond, but I am starting to feel like a real nuisance. All they can say is keep waiting and hold on, you're great, some child will be very lucky and all that jazz...

Ugh, I am so wearing my cranky pants today! Sorry guys!

[Dianna]

Your post brought back some of the most difficult times in adopting that I remember. It does end, but that doesn't make it any easier to bear. One thing that helped me was reading a book called 'the power of now'. The book gave me a different perspective that provided relief when I remembered to apply the ideas in the book. The only other thing I can say is that you are not alone. There are many of us who have taken the same road you are on, and it does lead somewhere else in the end. One day at a time,