[bjolly]

Has anyone had experience with children with mild mental retardation that can give me some insight? Our 11 y.o. daughter has a 15 y.o. sister who is still in foster care, who is diagnosed as mildly mentally retarded. They’ve been having phone conversations and we had a visit last week. They were placed together until 5 years ago and are very attached to each other. Our daughter recognizes that something is “different” about her big sister but has never been told she has retardation. She is protective of her and remembers fighting with other kids in their foster home who picked on S.

Since our visit, S. has been on our minds and we’re very tentatively thinking we might explore having her join our family. This is very preliminary at this point.. One thing I’m wondering about is what the dynamic would be like with the younger girl achieving at a higher level than her older sister. Currently I think they’re functioning at the same level in some areas, and the younger is higher in some areas.

What would it be like when they notice that the younger child can read better, for instance? Would S. feel bad about herself? Would our daughter feel there’s no need to achieve in school when she can do as much as her big sister already? Would it be hard for her to understand that we want her to go to college, when college isn't an option for her older sister? All I would want is for each child to achieve up to her highest potential, whatever it may be, but would it feel to our 11 y.o. like we’re expecting more of her?

What is the future likely to hold for a teen with mild mental retardation? How independent can she be expected to be and what kind of extra supports would she need now and as she grows up?

if anyone can give me some insight I'd really appreciate it.

[Kelly Rae]

I don't have a child that is mentally challenged, however my three adopted kids have special needs due to drug and or alcohol exposure. Each one has a different learning problem and they have been taught to be tolerant of each others limitations and celebrate each others accomplishments. We haven't had any problems with this. I hope someone with more experience with your situation posts. Hope this helps.

[rindava]

teaching students with mild MR....

also have a middle son who is 11 month younger then his big sister and 2 years older then little sis....

His low academic achievement in no way impacts his sisters school performance....as a matter of fact is kind of encourages one of them to try a lot harder as she doesn't want to be like M....

people with mild MR usually need some life time support, usually don't get a drivers license, have trouble managing money, following complex directions....but many can hold down jobs, and do okay with min. assistance...

the biggest problems I have seend for girls with MR is they have a really hard time setting health sexual boundaries....if a guy pays them any attention and dreams of any act the girls tend to participate
many people recommend always having them on birth control as they are so often the victims or participants....

If there sibs are kind to them, being with their sibs is the best thing....most of the time the young adult with MR does go through some issues with not being able to do the exact same things as others....

[Barksum]

Jolly: I don't have extensive experience with mildly mentally retarded children, but with one little guy whom we do respite for. Sweet child, does all the kid stuff, has a blast with our kids, etc. He does take a bit of patience as he will talk endlessly (and then some), does not understand things well and needs much explanation (ie: wants to know what will happen, why, how, when, etc. during a video, even one he's already seen. He will ask, ask, ask, and not end up watching 1/2 of the video because he's very invested in finding out about what will happen, why that guy looks like that, etc. and so just misses it.). He doesn't understand social cues. Doesn't understand hyperbole, metaphors, analogies, or anything as abstract as that. Concrete, short and sweet answers are needed to all his questions. And he has tons of questions. He can almost bath alone, but I put the shower gel on the washcloth, turn the water on and set the temp, get out the towel. He can turn the water off and get his clothes together for the day and dress himself. He can brush his teeth with minimal supervision. Needs some supervision for using the bathroom because he tends to get distracted and "play", aiming hither and thither instead of where he should. So he is required to sit, leaving the door 1/2 open so that he knows we are paying attention to how long he's in there. This discourages wall decorating sessions. He is always hungry, no matter if he just ate or not. He is usually compliant with rules, but doesn't always remember and/or apply them to the situation in which he finds himself. (ie: goes into bedroom, turns on light even tho he knows others are sleeping) Very affectionate, so parental figures must monitor to make sure that this is done safely and appropriately. He has a difficult time showing empathy or sympathy, but I think this is because he needs on-going reminders of how to appropriately respond when he accidentally hurts other people, or when someone is hurt and is crying. He seems to be starting to pick up on that, but it's still in the early stages.

Having a need for such close supervision is kind of wearing at times, but one does adjust. The other kids in the home do at times get the picture that he's not always up on what is going on. They can get annoyed when this has a negative impact on them or their property. He doesn't seem to yet understand that he has issues...but he might? It's hard to tell. He "should" be in the 5th grade, going by age, but he's in the 3rd grade, and can't quite do the work at that. He seems to kind of know that he's not in as high a grade level as other kids his age, but it doesn't seem to bother him. (?)

If one of my kids had a sib with MMR and we brought them to live with us we'd just, at some point, sit down and have a frank discussion using age appropriate terminology. Things that would need to be addressed would be such issues as safety, living alone (or not) as an adult, etc. Our Dd (13) would get a different level of info than our Ds's (7.5)(4.5)(1.5) based on her greater level of understanding about what is required in the adult world, etc. So much of it is "played by ear" and you just address things as they come along. We actually do have some of our kids who may not be totally independent as adults, but we don't know yet. We've already discussed this in brief, general terms with our Dd, but not the boys.

At some time in her life your Dd is going to figure out what her sister's particular level of function entails, whether she lives with her sister or not. You will have to have that discussion about what her sister's abilities/disabilities are. If the sister is in your home you might change some of the particulars and have it sooner rather than later.

Hope some of this helps. Sorry it's so long, but I couldn't decide what to not include!

Oh-- just thought of a book, should this sister come for visits or to live. It's written for autistic kids, I think, but it applies to others who need concrete, visual help with everyday personal hygiene. It's called "Taking Care of Myself" by Mary Wrobel. I plan to get this for my FASD child. It covers personal hygiene for young women who are just learning to use feminine hygiene products, how to do other personal care, etc. Great resource for trying to encourge independence.

[bjolly]

thank you all for the input. She is in a group home where she's been for 4 years (that's when the sisters were split up). They're looking for a therapeutic foster home for her now and so far have no takers. I'd really like to consider taking her, not right now but maybe down the road a little. I'm not sure how I would handle having a child who couldn't become fully independent - that's one of my hesitations.

The girls have a good relationship and I have no doubt our daughter would be kind to her. The reason they were split up had nothing to do with their relationship. Good point Barksum that we will have to explain things more to our daughter about her sister's issues, whether she's with us or not. It's hard, because I feel like words like "retarded" have such a negative connotation, especially to kids, but avoiding that feels like a euphemism or not being fully honest.

We're going to keep up with visits and kind of play it by ear for now. We feel like she is part of our extended family in any case, and we'd like to be a part of her life whether as a visiting resource or more.