[zjmower1]

My wife and I are currently looking to adopt a special needs child thru our home state of OR. Our homestudy was complete last week and we have found quite a few children that interest us. Our adoption worker submitted our HS on 2 children on Monday and heard back immediately-we are set to go to committee at the end of next month on one child, who sounds like a great match for us-2 years old and at this point on track developmentally in all areas. Here's where the dilemma comes in, obviously this child is in State custody for a reason-his young mother has been involved in criminal activity since a young age, she is chemically dependant, and has some severe mental issues, she is constantly on the move throughout the western US. Now, the bio grandmother sees the child (overnight) every other weekend and is not interested in adoption, I assume for the reason that she works 2 jobs and could not fully care for the child. According to his bulletin, the family is supportive of adoption and the bio grandma would like to remain as his grandma; it is also stated that bio mom and grandma would like him to stay in the local area. We have also learned that the bio mother, when in town sees the child at her mother's house. I admit that I am not terribly comfortable with this and am trying to realize the importance of bio family contact. If we were to be the family chosen for this child, realizing that bio grandma is involved in his life at this point and would like to continue this we are somewhat open to this but do have a few concerns.
1. We do not know her or what she is like. The foster mom said that she has no problems but we also do not know the foster mom or her judgment skills.
2. The bio grandma lives 2 hours away and due to this as well as many other concerns, mainly contact with bio mother, overnight visits that currently occur would not be an option for us.
3. The safety and welfare of our family (we have 1 birth child already). I am not okay with bio grandma knowing where we live nor would I be okay with meeting at her place, I would want it to be neutral grounds, like a half-way point.
Again, I am willing to give bio grandma a chance here, but not bio mom as she continues to abuse substances and part-take in criminal behavior, including prostitution and due to this surrounds herself with other potentially dangerous individuals. I don't know bio grandma and therefore cannot fully trust her to keep birth mom out of the child's life.
It scares us to think what might happen if birth mom went off the deep end and demanded that bio mom take her to see the child, it could happen. I might also mention that it is believed that bio mom's issues could be due to a lack of parenting during a period of her upbringing as her mom (bio grandma) was using drugs but we are told that she has been sober and stable for many years.
These are our only concerns with this child's case. I would appreciate any feedback at this point, if anyone can provide that...

[Barksum]

In OR DHS sometimes advocates for bio family contact. This may/may not be a deciding factor in where the committee ultimately decides to place the child. Be aware that you can request mediation for working out an agreement on what kinds of openness you are willing to consider. Also be aware that in OR any contract you sign with bio family is legally binding and can be enforced in civil court.

There are some videos available for foster parent/adoptive parent training in OR that do cover open adoption if you can't get to a training that covers this between now and the time you plan to go to committee. If you send me a PM I can tell you whom to contact for the videos. (These videos and other materials are only available to OR residents who are foster or adoptive parents adopting through the state foster system, so don't PM me with requests for outside of OR. LOL)

[kay]

When my son first came to live with me, contact and visits with his half-sister and birth-grandmother were court mandated. It was always done on my terms. Visits with grandmother were held at the social services office (she lives out of state), and supervised by a social worker (because C's sister remained in foster care.) Grandmother would also call once in awhile, and for perhaps the first year C was with me, I monitored those calls - just to make sure, not only that the calls were appropriate, but also to know what had been said in case there was something I needed to follow up on. Birthmom is in the general area, and in and out of jail. A few times grandmother has gone from visits with us to visit her daughter, but she never made a big deal out of it, in fact I'm pretty sure C was not even aware that was happening. Just once, years later, we visited grandmother in her home. It was very uncomfortable for both me and for C - I think he got a very clear picture of what his life would have been like if he still lived there. I don't know Oregon's rules, but I think there must be a way to continue some contact, but under your terms, and without telling birthfamily where you live. Good luck!!

[Dianna]

It sounds to me from your post that you may want to be very clear about your concerns to the SW for the child. It is difficult to let go of control enough to let others participate in "your" child's life when there is bio family involved. Additionally, you would need to maintain a strictly non-judgemental attitude toward bio mom, and grandma.

If you would rather not do this, then you need to say so. There are a lot of placements out there that will not have contact requirements and you are just starting out. Maybe a placement that is more comfortable for you will come along. Giving your child his or her "roots" is really a committment from the heart because you believe it is right, and not something to agree to in order to get a placement. Best wishes in your decision.

[crick]

I can see wanting to have a clear cut agreement regarding contact with the bio grandmother. And your concerns are valid ones.

What are you comfortable with? Visits in a neutral location? And how many visits a year? Letters and picture updates set up with a p.o. box? You should write down what you are comfortable with and discuss with the SW.

There is no need for her to have your personal information at all. And while you recognize the importance of keeping bio grandma in the child's life in some way, that does not mean the child needs to stay overnight with her. If the bio mom's rights are terminated, then legally, she has no more rights to the child. Bio grandma has no legal rights at all anyway. Not saying she shouldn't remain in his life, just saying that grandparents don't have legal rights to the decisions of grandchildren (unless set up by a court etc.)

Are the wishes of the bio mom & grandma part of an actual contract or simply their wishes? Just because they want certain things, doesn't mean that those wishes will be legally enforced. Does the SW say that if you are approved for this placement, that you will be required to do this or that?

Just be sure you are honest about the contact you are willing to have and how you envision things. Don't make any promises you can't keep and leave the door open to possible changes in the future.

I'd definitely discuss with the SW if the adoption is based on a contract and if it is, then really consider if the contract specifications are things you can uphold. If not, then this isn't the right placement for you.

[Bellemom]

We have this type of "arrangement" (no contract) with our kids' biograndma. We have her number and she has ours and we call when we all get the chance. We see them when we all can. We have gone to their house, but prefer a neutral place like a restaurant. They usually invite aunts, uncles and cousins to join us. It's fun!

We have kept some distance (they've never been to our home, we don't see them on holidays, I don't even think they know our last name), but mainly that's because many of the family memebers have serious legal troubles (in prison, drug charges, assault charges, gang activity).

We started off slowly with the family, but have grown to love them and appreciate their special connection to the kids!

[zjmower1]

I'd like to thanks everybody for their support and input here. I really appreciate all of it. I spoke with our adoption worker today and she told that if we are to be selected for this child, once the Termination of Parental Rights is completed through the state, the bio mom will have no more rights than a random person off the street. Bio grandma has no rights here, so there will be no contractual obligation as DHS does not work with bio grandparents once TPR is complete. So basically this is all at our discretion, which we like. We are still definitely open to contact with bio grandma but plan on starting off slow in the beginning as our main concern here is that she may try to bring bio mom into the picture. Overall the main concern that we have is bio grandma's expectations once the child's adoptive family is selected (we're not sure how clear she is on how things probably will be, i.e. no more overnight visits with her); the reason that this is of concern is that the child is still a legal risk meaning that TPR is not yet complete and if bio grandma is unclear on the future and the child was to be placed prior to TPR, which he will be, will she then try and pull bio mom back into the pic to try and get things together to get the child back once the reality hits her that she will not be having the child overnight on the weekends anymore? I'm really trying not to get too worked up or excited over this but it's hard not to as we have a one in three chance of being selected for this child and he was the first child that we submitted our HS on so we are in a pretty rare situation for the state of Oregon or so we are told.
Again, thanks for all your support!!!

[tybeemarie]

Our kids' bio family lives in our city. When we started on our adoption journey, I very much wanted an open adoption with grandmother and siblings. I tried to facilitate contact and was indirectly rebuffed. Not a flat no, but there was always an excuse. As we've gotten to know more about the birth family, I am glad I did not push things further. They simply are not safe. Too much criminal conduct, too much drug use on the part of the bio mom, DV, gangs, etc.

I have found that DCFS looks at these things as policy issues without looking at the individual families and the needs of the kids. They say sibling contact is important, and I agree, but not at any cost. Contact with a RAD kid without a neutral party around is asking for a false allegation of abuse, for example. No, thank you! I could go on and on, but you get the idea. It took me months to get a good sense of what was going on. It's hard. In an ideal world, kids would be able to have open adoptions. In the real world, particularly in the world of foster care, that is not always a safe or realistic option.