[Original Mike]

First, E's worker called me this afternoon. He told me that he'd been really busy and hadn't had time to get with E or FM. The worker told me that his supervisor had approved a visit for both boys over Spring Break if they could find air fare that wasn't outrageous. (Don't think Chicago qualifies as a Spring Break mecca.) He told me that he was going to go out to talk to E tomorrow. He told me that if E said he didn't want to be adopted, his case would be transferred out of the adoption unit and they would just prepare him for aging out. I asked if I should call E tonight and was told to go for it.

Well, I called FM. For the first time since we started calling, E answered the phone. We went through the small talk and I noticed E was kinda quiet. I asked how the weekend with V went and he said "Well, we had a lot of time to talk about all of this."

"And?" I asked nervously.

E said "I've really decided that I don't want to be adopted. I don't want to hurt your feelings, Mike, but I want to stay in ColorAdo. Everything I know is here." I can't say that this surprised me; the second he said "Hello" I knew what he was going to do.

Then, he continued "But V really wants to go with you. V liked you a lot and he wants to move on. I know you'll be great for V. I guess he's gonna come visit you over Spring Break. I figure we can still keep in touch since you'll have V and maybe I can come visit you guys."

I told him "And you can be sure that we'll come back there. You know I love the mountains. Maybe, next time, C will even get on the plane."

After I got off the phone, I sat there for a few minutes. I kept thinking how surreal this has been. In my heart, I've known for a few days that E wasn't coming. I did not, however, expect V to want to come alone. I still have to speak to V's worker, but I will absolutely take him if they approve him coming here solo (unless there's some huge issue lurking in the shadows).

As I reflected on the situation, a thought came to me. In listening to E these last two conversations, I think I realized what took place. E did not really want to be placed with V after having been in separate homes for four months. This thought then remains: Did E sacrifice his chance at adoption so that his brother could have a home? If so, that would have to be the most selfless act I have ever seen from a young man of this age.

Mike

[Lylac]

Oh WOW,
That is so great! even though you started out for one son, it looks like you may end up with the brother of one fantastic young man. And E will still be part of your family. How great is that! keeping my fingers crossed and lots of prayers for ya'll.

[lucyjoy]

Interesting turn of events. I think it's tougher for older kids to accept adoption, especially boys. They figure they got this far on their own, why do they need someone now? Took in the 16 year old brother of one of my kids several years back. Had I not lived in the community he was from, he'd have gone to independent living instead as he wanted what was familiar to him.

Sorry. I'm sure this coaster ride is not any fun.

[ajjhmf]

Wow, Mike!

What a turn of events. If you are right about E (and I'm pretty sure you are) then that is one amazing young man. I can only hope that he realizes what he's losing in you and C. V will be one lucky guy.

Blessings,
Jenny

[Barksum]

Maybe with time you can find out more about what, exactly, E was thinking about V and that whole thing. One wants (well, I want) to think that it will all work out happily for everyone, even E, in the end. I know this isn't always so, but I guess my stupid little hopeful heart just can't be squashed and I remain hopeful for a number of things that reason says aren't to be.

I'm happy that you are going to be going forward with V. Will be keeping my fingers and toes crossed that all will go smoothly with the upcoming visit for Spring Break and all that will entail.

[Kerbchek]

Wow... That is crazy... I'm impressed as well with E if he really gave up a chance at being adopted for his brother V. I'm glad your sticking with this adoption thing... I think you're great and you've been a huge inspiration to me, and you've let us all see how difficult it can be at times. V will be one lucky guy!

[aMarylandfamily]

... there's a reason for the season.

As you look back and reflect all of this started with the introduction of E and the possibility of him joining your family ... if he hadn't been the vehicle to V, you may never have crossed paths and life just may be for you to take V ... and by doing so - even without adopting E - you will be making the world of difference in V's life as well as E's just because he'll be apart of your/V's world at the level of his preference without intrusion (hoping that makes sense).

My only ? is will you remain receptive to taking E if he changes his mind if the fm goes through with her thought of having him moved?

Keep us posting ... we are anxiously awaiting the next update.

[linda512]

I'm with Barksum- I keep hoping for the TV movie ending. But, life is not like that I guess. I'm glad you spoke to E. What tough choices for a kid. Someone said at some point that maybe a child should not be asked to make these kinds of decisions, but how can you not ask them? I'm just thinking "out loud" here. I really admire you, Mike, you have put yourself out there to help these kids and risk being hurt in the process.
I hope that things work out with V and with E, however that may be. I hope that C is okay with this all and enjoys having a brother if it works out.
Is E willing to come visit, or does he just want let it go?

[J.Ro]

Tears in my eyes...wow.

Sometimes the paths we take least us to the most unexpected places, but then they always seem to be the right places for that time.

I'll stay tuned in to see how the saga unfolds. Like Wenrl, I keep hoping for that TV ending.

[lambeausam]

In the end Mike, E still gains you as part of his family. Even if he chooses independent living as his permanency goal, he will still have a place to go for holidays and a family to feel included. While he is not allowing you the opportunity to become his father, he has accepted you as a family member. I still thing this is a huge step for this young man.

Best wishes as always!

Sam

[Original Mike]

As usual, this group continues to be "The Council of the Wise". While I am VERY disappointed that E won't be joining us, I think it is very good that he wants to keep in contact. Maybe the boys can agree on weekly phone calls so they know that the other is OK.

As for what I would do if E were to change his mind down the road. I would take him in a heartbeat. If you remember my earlier analogy of this situation to Pandora's Box, it still stands. For those of you who don't know that whole story, there is an important caveat that really applies here. After Pandora had opened the box and unleashed all the chaos on the world, she looked into the box. There in the box was a tiny little being. That being was Hope. Like Pandora, I've looked deep into the box and still am "Hoping" that E might change his mind down the road. (It could be weeks after V moves, it could be months.)

As for visits, one thing E said to me has left me ambivalent. E mentioned coming with V for a Spring Break visit. Part of me thinks that it would be great for all of us. On the other hand, Jean raised a good point last night when we talked: "If E does not want to be adopted, then V should come to Indiana for the visit so you and V and C can start creating a family dynamic. Having E there would just complicate things." Part of me says that Jean is right. Maybe the workers would let E come here for a couple of weeks over the summer and then over his Christmas Break. I'm not sure Spring Break is a good idea. On the other hand, a visit might get him to "re-think" his decision". t's a tough call.


Later today, I'm calling V's worker to see where we go from here.

Mike

[lambeausam]

Any chance E can come out for a few days with V, then head back to Colorado?

Sam

[spaypets]

Mike, I've been following your story, and if E hasn't been there before, it might be really important to him to see that his brother will be ok and safe. He may need to see the interaction between you, V, and C. And, for V, it might be less scary to have his brother there.

[ajjhmf]

Mike,

I think Jean has a good point. If V is going to do this apart from E, then this visit needs to be about you, C and V. While E will always be part of your family, he won't be part of that daily family dynamic and that's what you guys need to start building.

I think that having E come out for a few weeks towards the end of the summer (once V is settled) would be great and then again over Christmas break. Then he could see how good his brother is doing while at the same time giving his brother a chance to create his new family with you and C.

If this is the road E has choosen, then everyone needs to walk down it. Not skirt along the edge hoping he'll change his mind. Just my humble opinion that is.

Blessings,
Jenny

[crick]

Mike...

Are you sure that the reason E doesn't want to be adopted is simply because of his comfort zone where he is at? Or is it because of V? I can't help but wonder if there isn't something between the two boys that makes E uncomfortable and maybe wants to be adopted, just not with V. Wonder if he's thinking if V is adopted and moves away then E will be more comfortable being adopted and yet doesn't have to be the reason why V wasn't etc.

It just seems so strange that everything was going well until V was brought into the situation.

I dunno...just thinking out loud, I guess. You have a tough situation and I hope it all works out.

((HUGS))