[Original Mike]

OK, just when you thought this nightmare couldn't get any more messed up I heard from BOTH workers today. Here's the newest:

First, I heard from V's worker. She went out to talk to him on Tuesday afternoon. She asked him what he thought of me and he told her I was "beyond awesome" that "E was so luck to have me" and "Why can't I (V) get a dad like that?" Well, she told V that I had offered to adopt them both. V was over the moon!! He said it was so cool that he was finally going to get adopted and ever cooler that he got to live with E again. He has been really stressing over the possibility of E leaving the state.

Then, last night, both workers and both boys went for pizza. V continued to ramble on about how cool this was. When they asked E if he was glad to be going with his brother, his response was "Well, I guess so." Apparently, V was surprised by this lack of enthusiasm. E told the workers that he wasn't sure he wanted to be adopted. Well, this is news to everyone. The workers and V were stunned. V's wroker thinks there is some underlying fear, as he had nothing but good things to say about me and our visit.

This afternoon, I heard from E's worker. He only had a few minutes between meetings and said he'd call again tomorrow so we can talk at length. He told me not to throw in the towel yet. He had a conversation with E on the ride back to the foster home. E expressed some concerns about living with a man. When the worker pressed, E told him how his mom's guy used to beat the crap out of him. E also was uneasy about just stepping into the unknown. His worker assured him that it wasn't "You go, you're adopted" and that we had the six-month trial period before finalization. E also worried about how his decision would affect V. Worker and I talked about bringing E here for an "extended visit" after school lets out so he can see there's nothing here to be afraid of.

On top of this, it has been brought to E's attention that FM has no intention of being his permanency and that he may have to move once school is out.

Well, E was supposed to go to respite this weekend. Now, they are sending V to the same respite home so the boys can have some time together to talk this situation out away from workers (and, I suppose, me as well). The boys had asked for some time to talk athis over. The workers are going to meet with them again early next week to see what's going on.

As you can see, we have really opened Pandora's Box here. I am trying to simultaneously prepare myself for a myriad of possibilities, including:

1. E will get a grip on his fear and the process will procede as planned. (Highly unlikely)

2. E will opt not to come, but V will still want to come. (I doubt V will want to leave E behind)

3. E will put his fears aside and will "fall on his sword" and come so that his brother gets a placement. (This might happen)

4. E will opt not to come and V will go along as to stay near his brother. (The most likely scenario)

As Han Solo said, "For those of you who wanted to be around when I made a mistake, well, this is it."

[linda512]

Mike- I've been following your story for a while, from the Guatemala board. I can see why you are trying to protect yourself at this point. I think option 1 is still a possibility, although I obviously don't know nearly as much as you do. I really hope things work out for you. I know you've had a loss recently, and it's hard to imagine another one. But given time, maybe E will realize what a great home he is being offered and what a great father you are.
Good luck.

[MamaTo6]

Just wanted to send good vibes your way. What a place your heart must be in right now....and those poor boys too!!!


No advice on the adoptions, just want to remind you to take care of yourself. You have to sleep and eat and TRY not to stress. I have a good feeling about this whole thing, but dont want to jinx ya so Im shutting up.

[ajjhmf]

Wow Mike!

They must have really thrown you for a loop to mis-quote Star Wars. (Trying to make you smile )

I can certainly understand your fears. E is starting to sound more and more reluctant, so much like J. It's hard to know why though. It could be fear over being with his brother. It could be fear of moving. I think you hit the nail on the head with your 4 possibilities. As much as you want both boys to come without fear, it's unlikely that will happen.

I think the sibling bond is going to come into play here significantly. I wonder if they can work out for the boys to either live together for the remainder of the school year, or spend every weekend together to strengthen and rebuild that bond. It would also give them a chance to really discuss their future, since they are now looking at being together again, instead of apart.

I don't have experience with teenagers (except for having been one), but I do know that the sibling bond played heavily in J's placement. He actually moved and was excited about being adopted by us BECAUSED his brother was. Unfortuanately, D had severe RAD, so his excitement wasn't sincere and things deteriorated pretty fast and after 6 months D was gone. I would hate for something like that to happen to you. Things have worked out for us and we have a great little guy with us who wants to be here. I just don't know how that would work with teenagers, KWIM?

I think that if the boys are going to be placed together in an adoptive home, then they both need to be on board. I would push for the boys to get some counseling on this, together and seperately before moving forward so all of these feelings can be explored.

I don't know if any of this helps you, (or even makes sense) but there it is.

Blessings,
Jenny

[Lylac]

Mike
Do you think it could be just a case of "sibling jealousy"?
E was fine until V was brought into the picture. He may feel like he won't get as much "new dad time" if V is there.

[Barksum]

Mike I guess you know how to find the kids that really need stability. E and V have all weekend to hash things out between the two of them. I'll be interested to know what they come up with, just betweeen them.

Also, if E has had abuse from a man, or men, in the past it is only natural for him to be cautious about throwing his hat over the windmill and frolicking off with a man, however nice he may seem to be. (A couple of the abusive guys I've know are very nice in public, only let it all hang out when it's in a comfy place for them. Some abusers are creepy all the time, but not all.)

I know this brings up all of your uncertainties and the previous hurts, most recently with J but also with the other placement...shucks, can't remember his initial. And didn't he have a brother, too? Anyway just as it's natural for E to be cautious and fearful, it's natural for you to be cautious and fearful. You guys (you and E) are bookends here. Perhaps there may be a time that you could share your fears with E. He may be willing to chance going to your home if he sees that you are willing to chance having him come. People are really very fragile, so don't get too down over all that is going on right now. We don't know what tomorrow will bring, so while you are guarding your feelings, try really hard to be patient and hopeful, too.

continuing to pray for you and Indy all the time. And Lucy, and Jennifer, and.... LOL I usually forget someone (I have kids, so this brings on short term memory loss) so just ask God to grant wisdom, peace and patience to all those friends on the special needs board whom I might have forgotten to mention by name! ARGH. being paged. gotta run.

[lucyjoy]

Not sure what mistake you think you've made.

I don't know if these kids will end up with you or not. But, you have helped them get a chance to express their feelings and a possibility to decide if they want to be together or not. Some people's lives we touch in passing and others become a bigger piece of our lives.
It's tough to know what these two will decide to do.

You seem to be on a very painful journey in your life right now. Hope things get easier soon.

[DawnaP]

Is there a possibility that there is some well meaning friend of E's that might be saying, "You can't leave me- I can't handle it without you." You know how intense peer pressure is at that age. If that might be the case, maybe the SW or FM might be able to pick up on it and discuss it further with E. It just seems so odd that he made a 180 all of a sudden.

I remember a situation with a young man that lived with us that was to be moved to a different state for relative placement. He had been so excited to move and all of a sudden he refused to go. After some investigation, we found that his best friend had begged him to stay here so they could go to highschool together. He was ready to chuck his whole future to go to highschool with this friend.

I hope you can find peace in the decisions to be made in the future of these boys and you!

Blessings,

Dawna

[bjolly]

no words of wisdom here, but hoping and praying that things will work out. Please know that you're a great dad, and a wonderful person, and don't deserve any of the disappointments you've had with this process.

[Original Mike]

Bjolly:

You're right, I don't deserve this endless series of disappointments. I've actually begun to question why I keep setting myself up for this stuff. Maybe Cruella is right (First one to tell her I said that dies!!!) and, if I want to share my life with someone, I should go to the pound and get a puppy. It's very hard staying positive and upbeat around the house for C, who still doesn't know that things are imploding.

Last night, I had a long talk with my Adoption Guru,, "Indy Wan Kenobi". While he couldn't offer any advice, I guess I wasn't looking for any. I just needed to vent to somebody from our world here. As a friend, he truly is a godsend.

Thanks again for all of your support.

[J.Ro]

Maybe this would be a good weekend for you and C to take off and do something great. Turn off the mental playback, leave all that stuff in Colorado, and just take a break from it. Nothing's happening between now and Monday anyway.

I really agree with what Lucyjoy had to say, you have made a difference even if it doesn't work out.

Hang in there.

[ericsmom98]

He sounds like he is just being a skeptic right now, and it is obvious why he is skeptical of a man given his history. Maybe you sound too good to be true, kwim?

I think that it would do E some good to really talk to C and let C tell him what's it's really like living with you, kwim? Did C come from a similar situation as E? Can E relate to C?

Good luck with everything. It is a rollercoaster ride, isn't it? We're all on the same ride with you.

[Original Mike]

Yes, C had the same issues. he was ADAMANT about not wanting a dad, but he was below the "age of consent" so his worker just shipped him off. (I only found out about the aversion to men later.)

I have thought about having C talk to E. I think it could be good for E to hear this stuff. C is really a compasssionate kid and he and E have talked several times on the phone. At the same time, is it fair to put C on this emotional roller coaster since he was hurt by the J situation, too.

E's worker and I also discusses the visit idea. That might be a possibility for both boys to come here and "check things out". E's worker is even talking about doing ICPC and arranging a "month long visit" after school is out. I'm not sure if I want to take that route, though. I think I'd prefer both boys fro spring break.

Mike

[kay]

Hi Mike,
I'm sorry, too, about what's happening. When is Spring Break for the kids? I would certainly want a visit then rather than waiting for the summer. That would be way too long to sit in uncertainty - for the kids and for you! No wisdom from here, just good thoughts and lots of prayers.

[Barksum]

Mike, I'm amazed that with all the Chick Magnets either you or Indy Wan were able to get through on the phone lines! Glad you were able to talk with Indy.