[Original Mike]

Well, the roller coaster has taken another dip and I'm not sure how much longer I'm going to stay on this ride. If I was having J flashbacks before, now they're full-blown nightmares.

I called E tonight for our regular conversation. Turns out, his worker had just left. I asked FM how it went and she said "It's not looking good. E won't give a commitment. His worker was here for an hour and he won't even say why he won't commit." Turns out, they told him that I'd been approved for V but that didn't change his mind. FM also told me to play dumb when E got on the phone as they told him that, if he decided to end it, he would have to be the one to tell me.

Well, E got on the phone. After a few minutes he said "Can I ask you a question?" I told him to go for it. He said "If you didn't adopt me, would you still adopt V?" I told him that I wanted both of them and asked where this was coming from. he told me "I'm just not sure if I want to be adopted. It's just like something's holding me back." I told him that 'something' was a fear of the unknown and that it was natural, but he shouldn't let fear guide his decision.

He asked me again about still wanting V if he pulled out. I told him "E, you guys are brothers and I can't split you guys up. That's not right." He said "So, my decision will affect my future and V's and I've got to do what's best for both of us?" I told him that was true. I reminded him that V has already been shuffled to two foster homes and could get shuffled again if he's not adopted.

We spent the next 90 minutes talking. Well, I did most of the talking but E listened. I told him that some fear was normal, but he shouldn't let fear dictate his future. I also talked about how adoption is SO much better than foster care. I told him that I cared for he and his brother very much and wanted to make sure that, by coming here, no one would ever separate them again. As we were winding down, I asked him "So, kid, have I given you some things to think about?" "Yeah, you did." he said. Then, he said "I think I need to talk about this with V."

One las thing that FM told me before she gave the phone to E (she talks to me in a room away from him) was the fact that she thinks he's become "comfortable" with her after two years and is seeing her as permanence. She told me that, if E doesn't take my offer, she's probably going to ask that he be moved so she can break his attachment to her.

What a MESS!!!!! I'm really starting to think I just need to stop this insanity and forget about any more adoptions.

[TexMom]

As most lurkers, I have been following your story.

We have a 16 yr old son we adopted from IN 4 yrs ago and our almost 15 yr old son was placed with us about one month ago and he too had many hesitations. We were first matched with him back in Oct. and had a great first visit one evening in early Nov. at his group home campus an hour from our home. He was very friendly, talkative and seemed excited, while previously we had been told he was quiet and extremely nervous about being adopted. Things ended well and we set up phone calls til our next visit. Surprised two nights later when he wouldn't take our call and wouldn't take it the next two nights either. We were told that he was saying to his home staff that they needed to make the evil people go away and leave him alone and quit calling him.
Having been reading all your posts, we were also scared to continue with a boy who didn't want to be adopted.
Two months passed and then in January his cw called and said that this young man was ready for a visit in our home, that he had made up his mind for himself that he wanted to be adopted after all. Visits were each weekend, phone calls were answered until finally he was ready to move here!
He had to make the decision and all the plans himself before he could make the move.
I think with older teens its very normal to be excited then be scared and then either make the move to adoption or not. Sounds like E is in his scared stage, but I also didn't hear in your call that he was excited that you would adopt them both together, only that it was both or none. Of course, I always feel that at this age, a visit to their new home is of great importance and a fear that needs to get over with asap.
Don't give up yet! I think E is going through his scared stage and needs some reassurance. And if the fm wants him moved due to his attachment to her, what msg is this sending him???

[qs mom]

Have you already given up? You changed you signature line again.

It's tough for these guys. He seems to be looking out for his brother and not himself. Is he being selfless?

Kids have irrational fears, not matter how old they are. I think (only my opinion) he's thinking, that since you were only looking to adopt 1 child it should be his brother - he deserves it more (self esteem issues). And that if you take both the boys, that V might not get 'enough' of you.

Not sure. It's so hard trying to figure out what's going on in the mind of a child.

Have C & E spoken? Maybe if C tells him what a difference his life is like and that you have 'enough' (love, time, money?) to go around, then maybe it will sink in.

If I'm way off, sorry. Just trying justify, that's me.

[J.Ro]

I know this is hard on you, but I think it's probably pretty normal. I always think about the sheer bravery on the part of these kids to allow themselves a new unknown place based on a promise and a hope.

It doesn't sound like he has some of J's psychological issues, and it sounds as if he's talking to you which is a great sign. He is not J.

Is it possible (probably not) for the boys to come visit you? That way it wouldn't be the unknown?

[Peggy]

I think it is normal for teens to waiver back and forth. I admit when I adopt again, I will stay under 12 for that very reason. I hope it works out. Maybe it would help if they came for a visit to your home. So they could see more of everyday life, and it would not be such a leap into the unknown.

[BrandyHagz]

Mike,

You said something in your conversation with E that was very wise…you told him he shouldn't let fear guide his decision…so I will reiterate that with you. You shouldn’t let your fear of what happened with J affect your decision to move forward with E.

I hope that whatever happens, you are all peace with the decision

[Guppy]

this stinks.
I admire your being invested and able to talk to him about all the benefits of the good decision...
I would probably just sink into a "well, decide for yourself, son. I am here, if you want it; and if you don't, I am going to go my way."
I admire you even though I guess it doesn't help...

[Original Mike]

Guppy:

Part of me wants to have your attitude of "do what you want, kid" but this kid has just gotten to me.

Last night, I kept asking myself over and over "Why is this happening again? Why is this happening to ME again?"

I wish there was just an easy "shut down" switch I could pull right now and forget it all.

Mike

[leastofthese]

"One last thing that FM told me before she gave the phone to E (she talks to me in a room away from him) was the fact that she thinks he's become "comfortable" with her after two years and is seeing her as permanence. She told me that, if E doesn't take my offer, she's probably going to ask that he be moved so she can break his attachment to her."


What in the world is this lady thinking???? He feels comfortable and attached, and she wants to move him? I don't get it!! Isn't that the point of ANY parenting, to help a child feel comfortable and attached?

Even if (ESPECIALLY IF) E or you decide not to carry through with the adoption, why would he necessarily need to break his attachment to her?

I do wish the best for you in all of this Mike. I can imagine how frustrated and upset you must be. But I can also imagine that it would be hard for E to "commit" to this--everything being so new and different!

I think J.Ro hit the nail on the head! "Sheer bravery" is exactly what it takes for these kids to be willing to jump in with both feet to a new family and new home (and new school, and new state, and and and...)!! It's amazing that after what some of our kids have dealt with in families, they are willing to give it a shot. Hope DOES spring eternal, doesn't it?

[cr653]

do you think E is wanting to be adopted seperately from his brother?
if so,
there may be a reason.
maybe as simple as the whole sibling rivalry,
or
maybe not so simple, even a reason not disclosed in any forms for info you may have.

just a thought.

cris

[Dianna]

Mike, Maybe everyone could agree that E should come to see your home before he decides either way. It may also be good to get E to open up a bit more about his fellings of being placed and adopted with his brother and why he is asking his "what if this, what if that" questions.

IMO fm is trying to help in her own way by prompting E to move on. My teen age son would just rest on his laurels if someone didn't motivate him about every little thing. Maybe it is a teenage trait to gravitate toward inertia. Prayers your way.

[Casey677]

Originally Posted by Original Mike

Last night, I kept asking myself over and over "Why is this happening again? Why is this happening to ME again?"

Mike, I know that we went down two different routes on our adoption journeys. However, I can completely relate to that. I felt the same way after our second and then our third failed attempts. But I am so glad I didn't give up. I hope you don't either because you really have a lot to offer another son (or two)!

ETA: I really hope this works out for you, E & V!!!

[kay]

Mike,
I can really see/feel your emotions after your experience with J - but somehow, not knowing any of you, I just don't get "J" vibes from E. It seems more a normal "I'm going to start all over again in a brand new place where I don't know anyone" thing. I find myself wishing that V weren't in the equation at all - that way you could deal with E's issues as separate things instead of having to try to ferret out the truth in that E/V relationship. As it stands now, you don't really know if E is trying to "father" V and take care of him, or if E has serious doubts for himself, and he's using V for a smokescreen - just no way of knowing. How is C doing with all this now?

As to your fear, that's completely understandable given your history with J. I know I was terrified after my failed placement, to try again with my C. Fortunately for me, however, there was absolutely no similarity in the two circumstances, so I went into it with the fear firmly in check (almost on autopilot), and nothing in the placement triggered those fears - it was like night and day. Again, I really feel that E is nothing like J, and that you just have to work with him through his fears.

We're all rooting for you!

[Original Mike]

To be honest, I haven't told C that there is anything amiss yet. Since the weekend, he has really come around to the idea of the possibility of two new brothers. In fact, the little con artist tried something new yesterday. He came into my study (AKA The Red Room) and announced "Since it's bigger, I'd be willing to give up my room for E and V." I was shocked. Then, he continued with "All I ask in return is this room. NO WAY!! I've spent too much time remodelling it, plus can you see a teenaged boy with a first-floor bedroom?? Sorry, C, but I'm not dumb.

I really don't want to clue C in on the fact that this placement is likely doomed. J's departure hurt him, too and he tried to keep his distance from any potential new placement. Breaking this news to him could be tough.

[aMarylandfamily]

I agree with you - this decision by E or E & V shouldn't be relayed to "C" until a decision is definite and at that point it shouldn't be portrayed that "they didn't want it" - more - their needs were more than could be met here ...

Lots of thoughts and prayers sent your way!