[leastofthese]

Isn't there a better word than "RETARDED" to use to describe a child?

My soon to be adopted son has a diagnosis of "Mental retardation" along with a few other dx's. But when people ask about the origin of his delays, what would I say? There is not an underlying cause (that we know of) for his MR (like shaken baby, birth injury, etc.), it just is the way he was born.

The people I've been getting information from say, "He's retarded." and it's killing me. It sounds so negative! We met him last weekend by the way and he's wonderful!!!

So, what do I call it? Is retarded actually still accepted? I SO HATE that word. I think it's because it's so overused in the slang realm.

[Shoshana]

Unfortunately, mental retardation is the "official" diagnosis so although it's hard to hear, it isn't derogatory when used in an official capacity.

Some easier synonyms are slow, mentally handicapped, um, I'll see if I can think of others.

[Dianna]

Hi, does he have Down's syndrome? Maybe you could call it that. Congratulations on your placement!!!

[Shoshana]

Developmentally delayed?

[linda512]

Developmental delay is what a lot of people use. It sounds much less harsh!

[Barksum]

Developmentally Disabled is the term our state uses for people who have mental retardation. Some people, however, believe that the word "disabled" is negative and derogotory, and are equally upset over the word "handicapped". While terms such as "alternately abled" sound equitable, they don't really describe what kinds of particular hurdles a person copes with each day and are not practical for use when discussing medical issues and other therapies as they are not specific enough.

Having a label for the difficulties that our children have doesn't define them, but it describes an aspect of who they are just as descriptive terms such as green eyes, or curly hair describe some of the other parts that make up the whole. Being able to smile while explaining that my Ds has dysfunction of sensory integration (or one of the other labels) and showing people a matter of fact attitude while explaining what this means for him in daily life lets people know that while he does have some areas that are more difficult for him to cope with he's just a kid like any other. So too your son is "just a kid like any other" and he also happens to have a condition labelled as mental retardation. It isn't WHO he is, but part of him. Sometimes I take the time (depending on the person/situation) to explain all of the above, only making it fit with the circumstances. Sometimes I just give a brief little two sentence explaination about why he began screaming when their child hugged him.

I have to agree, though, that it was tough to tell people that our son had fetal alcohol problems at first. It was actually physically painful to say at times. And then there were the people who would respond with wide-eyed admiration that we could "take on a child like that", or dire warnings about how bad "those kids" grow up to be. Now I kind of tag on the labels in situations where it matters and let people wonder the rest of the time. LOL I think I'm getting to be an ornery, crusty old coot, you know?!

[Lylac]

I hate the word retarded and also mentally challeged, as a fact I hate just about all labels that people use. Thats one of the reasons that I didn't let my daughter start special ed preschool. She'll be almost 6 when she starts school. She'll go into regular classes, then if she needs help we'll go from there. It doesn't matter what your problem is or the reason your in special ed, other kids stick the "retarded " label on them(most not knowing any better). And I get so tired of telling folks that she has shaken baby syndome, cause then they look at me like I did it. Then I have to tell them I adopted her, then I get "it takes someone special to take a child like that". I just tell them "she gives us way more than we could ever give her". And it's true.

[Indy]

I cringe when I hear the word "retarded". I believe it to be like the "n" word when referring to African-Americans. That term was considered acceptable at one time as well. I guess I am particularily sensitive to the word, as several of my sons are DD.

[gunsmith101]

In Canada I work with persons "affected by a disability" and I sincerly hope this is a better word than the others......

[leastofthese]

I am glad to know I'm not alone in my dislike for this word. Thank you all for your replies!

Gunsmith, I PM'd you. You are right! "Persons affected by a disability" is much better than the other "R" word!

The implication is a regular ole' person affected by something rather than defined by it!!! Perfect!

Yes, Indy, I also think of it in that respect. Thankfully everyone evidently doesn't and Shoshana, if you are correct, there is apparently not any negativity intended when people use this word in an appropriate context.

Lylac and Dianna, my son who is 3 has Shaken Baby Syndrome and my soon to be son has Infantile Spasms (a seizure disorder), which is usually accompanied by some degree of mental retardation. Lylac, we have something in common, or rather our children do! I'd love to talk to you about that more because my husband and I also get those accusing stares when we try to talk about our son's dx.

Barksum and Linda, I had been using "developmentally delayed" also. I think that is a much gentler way of describing a person's "issues."

[whoownsthis]

In my state, Developmentally Delayed (or Mildly Mentally Deficient with an IQ of 70, which is borderline) is used until a certain age.

Our oldest (8, 1st grade) was recently tested and her "abilitity" (what she SHOULD be able to do) tested very low, but "achievement" (what she can actually do) tested average or just below average. So the psychologist who did the testing suggested that we retest her this spring and consider (if her scores don't improve) putting her in the MIMH class (Mildly Mentally Handicapped) since she "doesn't meet the state definition of Learning Disabled." Of course her LD teacher said "no way," that she doesn't fit that category either. Perhaps this is why broader terms are often used, but with specific syptoms or struggles defined.

[Kerbchek]

Thank you for posting this... I am feeling the same way. J, the child I am in the process of getting for a preadoptive placement has a diagnosis of MR as well as a couple of other... well, I am a special education teacher and still cringed when I heard "mentally retarded" as his diagnosis. During a staffing his therapist was talking to him making sure he understood his medicines and what they were for (which he got them all right, and even had most of the side effects down - I was impressed) and he explained why he had that diagnosis as well, again I was impressed at his description of the diagnosis and how it relates to him, but it made me feel weird to hear him talk about himself in that way, he sounded so sad like he was just saying what he had to say to get through the meeting... I question the diagnosis, and I'm believing that it is more of a severe learning disability as he is significantly academically delayed, but seems to have no problem catching on to things, etc... I'm still cringing at that lable... I guess I like developmentally delayed better... he does act younger than his actual age and enjoys doing things that kids younger than him typically enjoy...

[rindava]

mental retardation is the medical term for the cognitive condition....thought I am sure that will probably change some day (it is the term used in the DSM IV-R)

Mental retardation is also the term used in the federal regulations for special education...

There are 4 level of mental retardation (Mild, Moderate, Severe, Profound) but the federal regs use Educable, trainable, and severe....so go figure...

developmentally delayed is the federal special education term for any child under the age of 9 who has a significant delay....

a lot of the federal law about special ed is kind of "silly" I mean the definition for emotional disturbance is just plan dumb..."can include schizopherina" well I sure hope so......and it doesn't really make a difference between behavior disorders which may not be emotionally related

[leastofthese]

While I understand reasonsing for categories (thus, labels) in order to provide certain services for children, it is unfortunate that we have to do so.

Each child, even each child within the same category, is so unique that one label can't even begin to represent them adequately!

Kerby, in your child's case, I am very sad to hear your description of the questions he was being asked. Why do people think that they need to "rub it in"--I understand that wasn't their intent, but I can only imagine that your (soon to be) son was a little uncomfortable talking about himself in that way.

If kids hear that about themselves, or in your son's case SAY that about themselves enough, I can see how it would cause them to see and believe that there are limitations on their own abilities and potential.

I'm thinking the same would be true of a kid in a public school setting (like your child, whoownsthis) put into a certain classroom labeled XYZ. They would become that label in their mind.

Which reminds me, I need to read that 3 page post on mainstreaming I saw on here...

Thanks Rinda, for the info. It helps to know WHY people insist on using particular terms!

[crick]

Just wanted to comment on the different labels...
I have a hearing disability and grew up with all sorts of labels. Just my take on it...my opinion...

Having a disability doesn't offer a negative view, but sometimes saying a person is disabled does. Because to a lot of people disabled means one can't do anything at all...is not able at all. To me it's not true, because most disabilities do not mean the whole person is disabled.

Handicapped...some people hate this word. I, myself, have no problems saying I have a handicap. My dad was an avid golfer and he told me as a child that having a handicap is actually a great thing. You have an advantage that way or at least an equal playing field in other areas. Meaning, my ears might not work so well, but my mind is sharp, my legs work great etc. The handicap opens up new windows of accomplishment, you just do it in a different way and soon the way you do things might actually give you an advantage in life.

Alternately Abled....first time I heard this, I cracked up. Sounds like a car part or some science fiction term. I, personally, would never use it.

All in all, I think something that helped me growing up is my parents never did label me. I wasn't handicapped, but I had a handicap. Wasn't disabled, but had a disability. That made a huge difference because I was able to see that it was just a part of me but wasn't who I was.

There will always be the nosy parkers out there going "what's wrong with him?" and I remember my mom saying "nothing, isn't she just adorable" or whatever word she wanted to throw in.

And yes...I agree that the R word has long lost it's welcome. Too many movies, t.v. shows etc. have taken that word to the extreme and made a mockery of it. Sadly, society still views it as just that...a mockery. So I totally agree that using a different definition is better.