[Again!]

Here's the question: Should I go back on what I said? I returned my adopted 14 year old homeschooler to public school last September (8th grade). He is now failing all classes. His poor teachers call me and they have been very sweet, but they cannot make him be quiet in class or turn in his homework. Last week I overheard a conversation with his 'friend' in which intercourse with his sister, robbing others, and 'partying' all weekend were topics. Thursday the same friend got into a planned fight after school, and when he got knocked down my little genius jumped in and punched the victor. He will be going to court this week, but apparently will get community service. If he stays in school he will be repeating 8th grade. The school has been very willing to try working with him, but he is just being bone dog lazy.

SO, I originally told him that he was going to have to be responsible for his own choices if he returned to the system, but after listening to that phone conversation I realized that our whole family is going to be impacted greatly by his choices (sisters 16 and 8 and brothers 7 and 6). Do I return him to homeschooling? One more visit to the office and he is off to alternative school, where I am sure he will make more charming friends. And he is not going to make it anywhere near through HS at this rate. He is too smart to qualify for special ed. It is a real pain to make him work while homeschooling, but in retrospect he was getting much more done that way than he is now. I can cut him off from the 'friend' as he does not drive and I have canceled our home phone service (evil, evil parent). I don't think he is using drugs (yet), so now would be the time to step in.

Thoughts?

[crick]

I don't think it's really going back on what you said.

In my mind, when you stated that he was to be responsible for his own choices, that also means having to accept the consequences of those choices. Going to court is a consequence and so would losing the privilege of going to school.

Whether the consequence is back to homeschool or an alternative school...that's something you'll need to decide.

Sorry you are dealing with this.

[Jensboys]

I second Crick on this. Homeschooling would be a very good "life choice" he made as a result of not being able to handle the "privilege" of being in school. And I agree, its a whole lot easier to stop this early than late!!!

Jen

[Again!]

You know what, you guys are geniuses! I've spent a lot of time reinforcing natural consequences, so that is a great way to present this.

Thank you!

[MissyB9479]

Before you totally dismiss the alternative school idea you should see what your district has to offer. While some of them are not very good (your concerns about the type of people he would be meeting would be totally justified) some are very good. Especially if he needs smaller class sizes and more trade school/life skills classwork instead of general education it could work for him.

In either case the decision should be up to you. He was given the ability to choose where he went to school and clearly he couldn't handle it. Now you get to decide.

[kay]

Well, I'm in something of the same boat, though home schooling is not an option for us. I dunno, it's a hard call. Some kids do turn their school lives around in an alternative school, but as you say, he'll not naturally gravitate towards those positive role models. My C, by his actions, seems almost to be begging to go to alternative school. His grades and behaviors are starting to paint him into a corner, which is really sad.

I think I'd lean towards the homeschooling option, but I agree with the others, it's totally your decision, he's lost his vote on this one. I hope it works out well, and can "arrest" his slide before a real arrest is necessary.

Take care.

[Barksum]

Also the idea of having consequences doesn't mean that Mom and Dad will not have their hands on the wheel. He is, after all, still 14 years old. There are still boundaries that parents maintain. If he were 34 the scenario is different. So having him face the consequences doesn't mean you are sitting on the sidelines going, 'Aww, too bad for you.' You get to actively be in the middle, going, 'Aww. Too bad for you! Now you will be going where we put you (alternative or homeschool).'

We're also going to be homeschooling our oldest, not because she's not doing well but because we can't hack the commute and the financial strain right now. We let her know we'd be homeschooling again and she was pretty happy about it, even though she likes school. Anyway, the point here was that we let her know that since she's in jr. hi now there will be a contract between us for homeschooling. She will need to pull her share of the weight and we'll sign on for our share as well. The contract for us is more about attitude and getting work done in a timely manner, not curfew or other kinds of issues. Ours will be something like, "I, the undersigned student, agree to do my work cheerfully and willingly without outbursts of anger or shirking my responsibilities. We, the undersigned parents, agree to maintain a happy working environment and provide support for weekend activities as long as the student maintains weekly goals." Ok, not that wording exactly, but something like that. LOL There will also be consequences, both positive and negative, written into the small print.

[leastofthese]

I would hate for the homeschooling to be presented as a "punishment" or a result of the loss of the "privilege" of public school--making it seem like it's not a privilege to learn at home in a better controlled environment where he will have to make better decisions.

Homeschooling is a privilege for this young man. He may not view it that way, but he needs to know that you do.

Maybe you could explain to him that this is something you are doing to prevent XY&Z from happening, which is GOING to happen if he continues on the road he's on. It might also help if it's presented as a choice you are making for him because you love him, instead of a choice you are making to punish him. That IS true after all.....

It really IS okay for parents to make decisions about their children (as opposed to kids making their own decisions). Kids NEED us to do that--especially when their reasoning is impaired by RAD, FAS, etc. When we make decisions on their behalf, based on our love for them (even when they don't like it), we are doing the best kind of parenting.

I think just saying "sorry for your luck, we're homeschooling again" says to him that he failed and this is the result of that failure. If you tell him you see him making bad decisions and you want to protect him from those, he will feel more loved than if you present it as a punishment or judgement.