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I was so happy to find this bulletin board. I have read many of your postings and feel confortable in writing my story. I hope there is someone out there who is able and willing to help my family, it would have to be a pretty special kind of person.

My husband and I have 4 children, one biological 13 year old girl, on adopted 12 year old girl, one adopted 10 year old boy and one adopted 8 year old boy. All of the adopted children have come from Russia. Our youngest has been with us for over 5 years and we love him very much. Our problems come with the adoption of our middle boy, Dennis. We adopted him, and his 1/2 sister (we think she is related) in July 1999. It was always our desire to have a large family and since I was unable to carry any more children, adoption was the best way to go. We did adopt a baby here in the states, but after 7 months of being his parents, the young mother wanted him back and we lost him in the court room. Needless to say, it was not something I wanted to ever go through again. Therefore, off to Russia we went.

Anyway, Dennis has been a problem for us from the beginning. Although we were quickly able to bond with Anna (1/2 sister), we were having a hard time with Dennis. After several months of language adjustments and the common issues that come into play with new members of the family (especially because of the age), it became more and more apparent that Dennis has some significant behaviorial issues. He has been tested and evaluated and nothing concrete has come of it. Some guess he suffers from Attachment Disorder, Attention Deficit, or Oppositional Defiant Disorder, but nothing concrete as we do not know his past history. All reports indicate that this child can have a happy successful life but he must have the full support of his family in getting him there. This is where our problem lies.

We have not bonded, and we truly feel (after 1-1/2 years) that bonding with this child is not going to happen. As horrible as this may sound, we truly believe that this child will be better served in a home where he is accepted for whom he is, and that he can be helped with therapy and the love of two wonderfull parents. Please don't think to harshly of us, we have been through tremendious soul searching and heartache to come to this decision, and for the best interest in everyone in this family, Dennis needs to find a better place. The agency that helped us bring him here (a well known international adoption agency) is now helping us to find another home for him, they understand fully and have told us many times that this is not the first time a family was unable to bond with an adopted child.

I guess my message is two fold. One, maybe someone out there reading this might be interested in adding this child to their home, or know of someone who is. He is generally a happy child, tall for his age with dark hair. He enjoys biking, rollerblading, building with electronics, building with wood, creating, coloring and baseball. We truly want to see him do well. Secondly, I wanted to let others out their who may be having difficulty bonding with their adopted children to know that they are not alone. It's a terrible feeling, one I cannot express in words but would be more than happy to discuss if anyone needed to talk. My E-mail address is Debenhaus@aol.com. I will answer any and all questions you may have for me. Either post a message here or send me an E-Mail.

I want to thank you all for taking the time to read my message. There is so much more to it but just writing this much has helped me to know I am doing what I can for this child to give him the life he deserves. I did get him out of a terrible situation in Russia, now I need to secure his future.

Thank you,

Debby

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Originally Posted By Pam

Please e-mail. Maybe we can help you.

You aren't awful. You are trying to help him.

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Originally Posted By Jerry

.......contacting a specialist (or group) in attactment issues? It's a controversial area, but maybe worth the effort. I'm not advocating any particular type of therapy, but perhaps it could help. We have attended several training sessions with the Peachtree Attachment Network and have some info on them if you like. The web may offer the best resource. If you've been down this road I apologize. It sounds as though this has been a very difficult time for your family.

As far as a disruption, I hope I never have to travel that path. We've had some very difficult issues to deal with as foster parents. We had come to the point of requesting removal, but our caseworker helped us through. Ours is a different story than yours. We are helping our fd prepare for reunification. We always knew this was a possibility, and in this situation it is for the best. She will soon be 18 and is not emotionally capable of being independent. Her mother has made significant changes and now has a support network. Weekly counseling, our own continuing training, and a great caseworker have been what has kept her out of youth detention. Maybe some of our efforts will show through her in several years, for now there's little change.

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Please contact Open Arms Foundation at open_arms_foundation@yahoo.com Our website is not working properly yet, but we will call you right away. We tried locating the email address you gave but according to aol it is non existing. Thanks

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Please try to contact me again. I think that we are somehow missing each other. I have tried to respond to you twice but have been unsuccessful.

Thanks so much.

Debby