[tmjbstark]

This is our first adoption. We happened across a 10 year old girl, T, when we were visiting another little girl in a foster home. We fell in love with her instantly, inquired after the original little girl didn't work out, they said "yes, she is available for adoption" and we submitted our homestudy. We got word the other day that everything looks good and we can start visits next month.

Here's the weird part, and our adoption worker agrees that it's weird too. Because T has had a failed adoption in the past, they don't want to tell her why we are visiting her until after a few visits. Her social worker wants us to lie and say we are friends of the foster family or therapists or something. This is silly because we have already met her and she knew that we were potential parents for the other little girl. Lying to her seems wrong.

That's not all. Oh no. It gets weirder. Her social worker doesn't want to move her until the end of the school year - next June! Seven months away. She told our adoption worker she is sure we'll back out somewhere along the way anyway. This girl had a failed adoption 3 years ago and everyone that we have talked to, with the exception of her social worker, has said she has made tremendous gains since that time. Her therapists, teachers, and foster parents all say they are amazed by her progress. She still has some issues but according to all those people, they seem pretty mild. Apparently, there is something we don't know about.

I need some advice or support or a room to scream in. Anyone else been in a similiar situation or experienced weird placement stuff?

[ericsmom98]

Honestly, I can understand her wanting you to lie about your reason for visiting...she is only trying to protect T's heart. T does not need another heartbreak and if someone was visiting her for reasons of adoption, then backs out, she will have to deal with that.

Plus she may behave differently if she knows why you're there, kwim? She may be on her best behavior if she knows you're there for her...otherwise she'd just be herself. Just trying to see it from the caseworker's prospective.

I do not understand them waiting until the end of the school year to place her though.

[lucyjoy]

Starting a relationship with a lie is a set up for failure. She has no right to ask her to lie and your worker needs to tell her this and go over he head if necessary. These kids are not stupid and will spot a lie like that right off. How could she ever trust you after that? That is not a way to protect a child's heart.

As for the end of the school year? Makes little sense to me. What I would recommend, though, is to talk to the former foster parents if you can. This child obviously has had some significant issues or the worker wouldn't be so sure you'd be backing out. You need to know what those issues were so you can prepare for whatever steps you need to take so she can continue making progress.

[Kerbchek]

I am being considered right now for a child - and they are going to tell him about me soon. I would not want them to lie about me or why I was visiting him - honesty is the best policy - and trust is huge with me. I can see the point of wanting to protect the child from future rejection... but I wouldn't want to lie... could you do respite for her for a weekend and just tell her that much? Then if you do choose to pursue the adoption further you can say after getting to know you when doing respite, we've decided to pursue adoption. That way you can get to know her and visit her without lying.

[tmjbstark]

I told the workers I couldn't lie. And they both said that we just would not say why we were there. Don't ask, don't tell. But the weird thing is, it sounds like her worker wants us to do this for months.

We have talked with the foster parents who have had her for the last three years, and her teachers and there are no red flags for us so far. And vice versa. In fact, we email and talk to her foster parents almost every other day. We have developed a level of trust with them and I hope that they aren't leaving anything out.

[lucyjoy]

Misleading is a lie and a kid in the system will spot it for what it is. I can see one meeting without telling her much but suppose she asks, then what?

And if there are no red flags, she's been in the same foster home 3 years and the parents there are not planning to adopt, then dragging this out makes no sense.

Sounds to me like either the worker is too attached to the child, or you're not getting all of the story.

Hope things get worked out for you soon.

[Barksum]

I agree with Lucy on this one. Kids are savvy and the child's cw seems to be a little out of touch with reality, especially the realities involved with being a foster child.

As has been pointed out you are setting the foundation of the relationship you will have with the child and you really don't want this to be made with faulty cement. You are also setting the basis for the relationship with the child's cw. If you are not comfortable, meet with the child's cw and your cw and a supervisor and air your concerns. Be sure to write them down and be logical when you are presenting your case as you may get side tracked during the ensuing discussion. (I do, anyway. Maybe others don't! LOL)

Some cw's seem to think that transitions for children should wait until the end of a school year. I can see maybe waiting until quarterly breaks or something, but frankly it isn't necessarily easy to transition to a new school any time, so that argument doesn't always hold water.

Additionally, long and drawn out transitions rarely benefit anybody. Some children need more time, but 7 months is akin to telling the child every day for weeks that they are going to the dr. to have a shot and then being surprised when the child pitches a hissy when they finally get to the dr's office. It is going to be a difficult time for all involved when a child moves, so do some prep work and then get it done. It seems to me, and I haven't done a double blind study or anything so this is just my opinion, that transitions that take too long often doom the placement to failure. The foster parents get dragged along on the emotional roller coaster making it more difficult to support the emotions the child is expriencing and the adoptive parents really get run through the wringer. I just have this phobia of overly extended transitions. (obviously)

I recently heard about a transition for an infant that took two months...and then the adoptive parents backed out. Fm just wanted to make sure the baby was ready to go, was sad to have the baby leave, etc. etc. At some point the pain just had to be dealt with. I'm NOT heartless, but you can't avoid pain when adopting a child. You can do your best to minimize it, work through it and recognise that it is there. Do the work to deal with the grief. Ok, climbing down off my soap box.

[radish-mom]

lieing to her is an awful way to start off...

the school issue is not that important....

The worst thing about my son's transition is that he lived far away and it consisted of doing lots of vacation things...It would have been better if we did lots of regular family things...

If you can and the agency allows it, kids also do better if they are allowed to stay out of school for several months so they can bond well with you.

[tybeemarie]

I agree with everyone else: misleading this child is lying to her and it is wrong. These kids are hypervigilant, and if these social workers think they are actually capable of pulling the wool over her eyes like this, then they are idiots.

A 7 month transition is crazy and reflects the lazy thinking of the child welfare establishment. I can see waiting until Christmas break, say, but 7 months? It is cruel to everyone involved. Also, you need to establish yourself as parental figures, not babysitters or travel agents or cruise directors or whatever. The sooner you get to real family life, the better for everyone.

I would find out why the last adoption disrupted. I would get as much information as you can. A child who has been in foster care for years on end is almost certainly not without emotional problems. You want to be well prepared. This will be challenging, I'm guessing, because these social workers do not seem clinically astute at all. Forming a good relationship with the foster parents is an excellent idea. Good for you for seeking out that relationship, because these are the people who really know this child.

Let us know how things go! So exciting!

[Lorraine123]

This reminds me of our situation. We were also told to lie to our daughter and say that we were friends of the foster family. Of course our daughter saw right through that. At the time, I was totally ignorant of how the process worked, so I thought that was just the way it was done. In hindsight, I would never do that again. Also, we had a long transition, 4 months. Same reason - the SW wanted her to finish the school year there. Again, in hindsight, that was absurd. Education shouldn't have taken precedence over her transition. If I had it to do over, I would have been more vocal. I would have pushed for a quick move.

[tmjbstark]

Thanks all for the good advice. We talked with the foster parents again and they said this worker has placed 3 other adoptive children out of their home in the last 10 years and she always starts off this way but usually relents as time goes on. Our adoption worker says that this is highly unusual, even for a child with a previously disrupted adoption. As for the details of that adoption, it sounds more like some really nasty adoptive parents than a troublesome child (they were charged with neglect and abuse). We are spending the weekend of Dec 9th with T (and she won't figure out why?!). We'll also meet with others including her therapist. Plus, we'll accompany her to a few different things, church, a Christmas party for her Sunday school class and some other things. It'll be a busy weekend but a good opportunity to see how she interacts with kids her age and other people outside her current home. We are really excited and looking forward to seeing her again!

[tybeemarie]

How exciting, a weekend visit! And I agree with you, there is no way this child will not figure out why you are spending a weekend with her. I think this is a great opportunity, and gosh, I remember the euphoria of visiting my kids!

My children were severely abused by their former foster parent--it can be difficult to deal with. For weeks, we had no idea this had happened, then we found out more and more horrific information about the abuse. I was VERY angry with this woman, and had to find a way to let that go before it consumed me. Also difficult is the fact that my children actually miss her. I've gotten used to that, more or less, but it is still no fun seeing your children pine for someone who is so bad it raises questions of what is evil and what is insanity. I have no wisdom on this issue beyond advising you to vent here when necessary.

I am very excited for you and your great weekend coming up! Please let us know how it goes!