[Kerbchek]

I first visited this board a year and a half ago and was inspired by many of you who are still posting here while I was taking the classes, etc... I was was thinking I would want to adopt a special needs kid or two... This past spring I decided to do foster care for a while and am glad I did. I now have two foster kids (13 yo and 16 yo) and both are doing well and both are getting closer to going back with their bio families. Because I was doing foster care and not pre-adopt, I haven't posted much here at all lately...

Now I'm being considered for a pre-adoptive placement. I'm really excited and am anxious to see where this goes. The more I learn about this child the more interested I become. I learned of this kid two months ago at a "Meet your worker night" here in town. I've sent and responded to a few e-mails, but todoay I talked to workers and a therapist on the phone for a while and am very excited to see where this next road will lead. I know it will be a slow transition with lots of visits. He is 11 years old, in self contained specal ed. BD class at a RTC in another town. He is diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety Disorder, Conduct Disorder, and Mild MR. It will be a slow transition

Some may think I'm crazy... I know I am! I'm no stranger to working in the mental health field and working with kids with behavior disorders... but parenting is different than teaching or being a residential treatment counselor... I now teach special ed. BD classes at a local middle school and spend my summers teaching 1/2 days at a local RTC at the summer school program...

It's inspiring to hear Indy talk of the diagnoses of his kids and how well they are doing....

Some may remember me being the guy who had the two teenagers (both BD special education high school students) and their baby living in my home (long story...) they're living on their own now... the baby just turned two today!!! Wow, how time flies.

[lucyjoy]

Conduct disorder? You're a brave man. Recommend with his list of diagnosis and the fact that he is in and RTC, that you take time to look at as much information on RAD as you can. I know he's not showing that as a diagnosis, but I doubt seriously that he could have the list you gave without it. www.radzebra.org is where I'd suggest starting. I'd also want a good history on this child. How'd he land in the RTC? Where has he spent the last 11 years? How often did he move and why? Talk with any former parents that you can. If you're going to parent this child, you want as much information up front as you can get. There are a lot of kids in this age range that would like to be adopted. You need to make sure this one does. Some kids cannot function inside families. It's sad that so much damage can be done to a child that they cannot handle a family, but it does happen.

If this is what you want, I wish you luck.

[Indy]

You are expecting!

My experience is totally different from what I expected. If you told me 7 years ago that I would have 8 sons and working from home, I would have said, "you are out of your %$^#&*@ mind!".

Kerby, you are about to make the jump from being the one who calls parents in, to being the parent that gets called in! It was an excellent idea doing foster care prior to taking a placement. I am glad I took that path. It gave me the insight and training to help prepare me for my sons.

My suggestion about the diagnosis would be, "take it with a grain of salt". I have found the so-called foster care doctors to be right less than 50% of the time. They were right (well, it could also be FAS) about M2 and Asperger's. They were wrong about ADHD and J2. I could give you a list of things that my sons were diagnosed with that proved to be incorrect. Many doctors see children in fostercare when they are at their worst. They then give them diagnosis like: ADD, ADHD, ODD (most teenagers) , anxiety disorder, etc. They then set up a treatment plan and bill the state. Then the child gets moved again and again and again. The diagnosis follows them, whether it was correct or not. The diagnosis "may" have been correct at the time when the child was in transit, but not today or once he/she is stabilized in placement.

Ok...I think I am preaching to the choir. Good luck and enjoy your honeymoon period.

[Kerbchek]

Thank you... lucyjoy, there are concerns I'm having right now. I'm trying to keep things in perspective. Having worked in RTC's for years and taught in self contained BD rooms, I'v worked with kids with all kinds of issues and labels. I've talked to several people and have not asked if I can speak to former parents yet... as he has had a disrupted adoptive placement... hmmm! I would like to talk to his teachers as well as they do spend a lot of time with the kids and their opinion is important to me.

There's a lot I haven't posted about "A". The young man who I was a mentor for many years ago and he and his girlfriend had a baby and (with parents concent) allowed them to stay in my home right before and after the baby was born. He had quite a laundry list of diagnoses (ODD, Conduct Disorder, ADHD, Depression, Anxiety) and was on 4 medicines. Yes, he was a handful. He did run from school, he did punch walls... before I knew him he was abandoned by his father, mother, was in an RTC, several hospitalization placements, suicide attempts, cutting himself, fire starting, animal cruelty, destroying property, stealing from the mall... and the list goes on. I saw lots of behaviors and he went everywhere with me... we argued and he whined about helping with chores and going to school. I did feel I was making a difference - he did make improvements - slowly. He is one of my greatest success stories. It wasn't all me, but I KNOW I played a BIG role in his life. Now he is done with high school, works two jobs, does not drink or do drugs (found out from an inside source), and is a loving, caring father of a two year old...

My concern is that I'm trying to "replace" him in my life. This new child hasn't been responsible for half the behaviors "A" has, but I also knew "A" better and knew more about his history. I'm trying to learn as much as I can and be as informed as possible.

Thanks for the information and support. I've been to the radzebra site once, I do need to check it out again.

[aMarylandfamily]

Taking on a teenage boy with this diagnosis can't be anything but a challenge but your experience will be the deciding factor in it being a success ... and your history says you can handle most challenges that he would present!

The thought I had dealt with the notation of a disrupted adoptive placement ... we are the "parents" of a teen who had to be disrupted (out of home placement I should say as we still have legal rights) who had a similar diagnosis ... but that disruption revolved more around his jealousy and violent acting out on the other child in our home ... doesn't mean he wasn't (and still isn't if it ever becomes appropriate) a good "match" for someone who can handle those challenges - safety of another had to be priority ... so don't let that scare you away.

As other very experienced posters noted ... get all the information and background you can so you know what needs dealing with and determine if you can meet those needs and don't be in any hurry to exercise "finalization" until you are sure you can meet those needs.

Keep us posted!

[ericsmom98]

That's awesome!! Keep us posted. I remember you posting a while back

[crick]

Kerby - I know you are taking all the information possible and carefully considering everything.

Best of luck to you!

[Michellemomof5]

Kerby, you are about to make the jump from being the one who calls parents in, to being the parent that gets called in!

That is soooooo funny!!!!!

[Kerbchek]

I understand this child's previous disruption has to do with his jealousy of a younger child and it being a safety issue - sounds like perhaps a similar situation to yours, AMarylandFamily. That is one reason I am considering taking him in as I have no younger children. I believe every child deserves a home and my place would not be the best place for some kids, and I believe this kid wouldn't work out in many families, no matter how qualified and experienced the parents are... I'm still collecting information and asking questions and have been for a few weeks now... The more I learn (after three phone calls I made yesterday), I've decided to pursue this further... The workers seem happy to have found me - I feel like I may be receiving a sales pitch at times... I hope I make the right decision!! Thanks for the support...

Yes, I guess I should get ready to get called in by the school... great! I have a foster kid that I get calls and e-mails from his school all the time - arg, it makes me look at calling parents differently - there is only so much parents can do sometime and it's so frustrating when I can't be there to talk to him myself.... my other foster kid goes to the school I teach at so I see him in the halls all the time and run into his teachers in the teachers lounge... he can't get away with anything! I think that is funny!!!