[wenrl]

Okay, I know these weren't really happy tears, but this weekend T. reminded me how my mom used to say dumb things like, "I'm crying because I'm happy" and I thought that just did not make any sense at all. Of course, now that I am an adult, I'm starting to get it.

This weekend we finally showed T. the letters and photos that we had saved for her from her birth family. We've been waiting until she was ready and we've been asking her questions to try and determine that time, "What would you think if..." kind of things. She didn't seem to want to hear it or talk about it AT ALL. So we waited. Now she is acting out in school a lot. I noticed that she has also been writing, "I miss my real mom," in her notebook. Probably that is mostly due to her having consequences in her life and fantasizing that wouldn't be so if she was with her birth mom. But, we decided whether she asked us for more information or not, she needed to know we had letters and pictures.

I set the envelopes on the table before dinner and we told T. letters and photos were inside from her birthfamily. We asked if she wanted to see them and she said yes. My partner had to read them to her, because T. can't read cursive well yet and I had already said I could not do it without bawling. My partner was able to stumble through barely. We gave T. the letters and photos and she asked if she could keep all of them (even though the letters were addressed to me). I said yes. She looked at the photos and sobbed as I have never heard a person sob. I can't put words to the sounds she made, they seemed to come from somewhere so deep inside her, I couldn't begin to understand. We all cried. It was so very intense. She did not recognize her birthmother and was really upset by that. I think all this time she had an aunt or foster mother in her mind that she thought of as her birthmom.

I wonder if it was a happy cry or a heartbroken cry or a mix of both. She helped me scan the photos and letters, because she wants copies to put up in her room, take to school and put in her photo album. Then she danced around the room with her photos and kissed them and told us we're the best parents ever. She has been sleeping with the letters and photos ever since and took them everywhere and showed everyone. I don't know if it's very appropriate for her to bring to school to show her teacher, but we've let her. We're glad that she wants to share and feels that she has so many people she wants to share with.

[echaos]

WOW Wenrl! I'm glad that you got to a place with T that you felt ready to share, and that it went well.

I can't imagine the emotions that she must have have gone through. And you and DP too!

[J.Ro]

Wow Wenrl, that is an amazing story.

Our kids miss their birthfamily terribly. We have no contact info, but I feel sure that we could find them through a private detective as we have socials.

I am so scared to open up that door though. A thousand "what if's " run through my head.

Can you share the types of letters they were? How did you come by them?

[kay]

Wenrl,
That's a great story, and I'm glad it turned out well. As I was reading, and you said you'd given her the letters, I'm thinking "copy them first, copy them first!" - then continued reading and learned you'd done that together. Whew! I don't give C originals of anything important - not because he's ever destroyed important papers or pictures, but because the possibility of permanent loss is too great. I'm *way* too a-r about "what if's", and I want to make sure he still has stuff he may want as an adult, no matter how careless or angry he may be as a child or young man.
I think you handled it very well, and I know that's a load off your mind because you've been wondering should we/how/when? Good job!!

[wenrl]

Well, it's been four days since T. got her letters and it still seems like it was the right thing to do.

J.Ro, I sent you a private message also, but I'll tell you more about our experience here as well.

We had a lot of what-ifs running through our heads too and we proceeded with A LOT of caution when we made contact. I did not use any last names. I did not write anything about our family or where we live. I sent the letters to my mom in CA to mail from there for the postmark and I used my brother's business address out in the midwest as a return address.

My letters told them that we had adopted T. and she sometimes asked questions about them and worried a lot about their health and emotional state. I told them a little about the things T. likes to do and how she was doing in school and gymnastics and general things about her life. I asked if they would mind establishing some contact through letters and I sent her school picture.

We worried they would not respond at all or respond with letters that said things like, "you were stolen from us," or "remember who you real family is," or harmful things like that. They wrote letters back to me and T. To me, they offered thanks and told me that had worried about their children everyday all this time. They told me I had eased their fears and they would love whatever contact we would allow. T's mom wrote her a three page letter that told her how sad she was to have lost her, but how happy she was to know that she was adopted and safe and loved. She told her that she thinks about her everyday and loves her immensely. It was heartbreaking, but also validated T's life with us.

It's only been a few days, but I think it was the right thing to do and very good for T. Since she was four, she has not expressed any feeling or shared many stories about her birthfamily and her removal. Already, she is doing that. Last night she asked me if I was ever taken from my parents. I told her no and she said, "Trust me. You don't want to know how that feels. It's horrible!" Then she went on to tell me what a stupid jerk her first worker was and how wrong it was for him to take her away. I thanked her for sharing her feelings and tried to explain why that happened. She's refused to listen to that story and insists it is because her grandmother has diabetes. For the first time I was able to talk to her about the hard stuff in her childhood and she was able to listen and respond intelligently. It looks like making this contact is opening a lot of doors for her emotionally. I know we have some hard days ahead and I'd bet money the next time she is mad at us she'll talk about wanting to live with her "real mom", but it will still be worth it.

[J.Ro]

Wow, thanks Wendy. I think I do remember this from former posts now that I've re-read it.

I think you and yours are very courageous. I hope that I can get to that place. I think my kids would react like T. has reacted. They do talk about their past quite a bit, but E. has mentioned that her mother may be dead when she's old enough to find her. They also mourn not seeing their two nieces (by an older half sister) as they grow up. They spend quite a bit of time figuring out how old the girls would be now.