[SuzBerg]

When I first read this thread, It was really a coincidence(sp?). Because my 14 yr old had been at a really inappropriate (in my opinion) web site. Because we had already discussed that in our home that wasn't okay, he was grounded from the computer. But I have really, really appreciated reading everyone's suggestions, and comments regarding this. I'm glad he's normal and I think I handled it the right way also.

Thanks Kay for posting this (because I was going to post about it last week but I'm really a lurker and not as much of a poster). Thanks to everyone else for their posts. - Suz

[dadfor2]

you know, one thing that i havnt mentioned, is that i am coming from a whole different era when i am throwing my idea out.

we did not have the internet, all we had were some magazines that a friend or someones father had and of course the national geographic.

porno was not an easy thing to come by, as it is today. i guess i have to keep that into perspective.

yes, normal for a boy to be on the computer looking at porno sites, but no way would i would be allowing my kids to do that...(just want to make that clear)

the internet is very scarey these days.....and im a true believer, that the computer will remain in the family room, where it is constantly being monitored....i will not allow any of my sons to have a computer in their room.....just for those reasons.

[crick]

Quite honestly....I'd much rather my kids look at Playboy/girl than some other mags out there or the stuff on the internet. Not to say I'm going to run out and buy them but if I see it under their beds, I think I'll be leaving it there and just discuss it with them.

Course...I say that NOW, not having pre-teens yet. LOL!

Indy - forgot to comment on your post regarding the earlier age awareness. My dd is only 7.5 and a couple of weeks ago she was singing a song about being sexy. Asked me what sexy meant. I so did NOT want to be having this discussion at her age, but you are so right....it is a much earlier happenstance these days.

[SuzBerg]

Dad - I totally agree with you about the computer in the family room. Our computer is in our study but the doors have to be open and, the screen on the laptop has to be in view of any one walking by. We also check the history, (which is how he got "caught").

The interesting thing was for my son it wasn't even what I would think of as a "porno sight". It was an Japanese Art/Anamae (I think that's what it's called probably not how it's spelled)sight with drawings that were just totally innapropriate. Which now has me really planning to monitor what he look's at on the computer (when he's through being grounded, maybe by 2006). I agree the internet can be a scary place. - Suz

[lucyjoy]

Well goodness, boys like dirty pictures? Who knew...

Nobody suggested shaming children. My friends son had it coming. There was a lot more to that story, but I'll let that go and be glad he's not mine.

I do talk bluntly with my children but not shamefully and they do come back to me with questions-embarrassed or not. It is not okay with me for them to leave naked pictures laying around my house. I don't search bedrooms for those.(And I have found the bra ads in the bathroom cabinets) Curiosity is normal.

However, group sex at 13 and 14 is becoming the norm in society. I feel I need to address that. I also need to address the issue that women are not objects to be owned. Granted, much of that comes from my own past issues as well as living with a child who believes women should be dominated by men(he once informed me that if my husband would beat me, he wouldn't have to-left shortly after that for residential).

I do use the discussions to instill values and I do let my kids know that their interest in sex is normal. My concern is what they do with that interest and that they are informed enough to make decisions and don't wait until they are in over their heads.

[kay]

Thanks for all the responses. I have no intention of shaming him - other than the normal embarrassment he'll feel that I dare to talk to him about such things! I, too, agree it's normal, especially given his age. I just want to (as much as possible!) give him the idea that sex is not all there is in a relationship, and that these women are women, not just "things" to be "done to". As for the remarks about Playboy, I've read Playboy, they do indeed have articles (and some quite good - I think I still have a John Lennon interview around somewhere - there, that dates me a bit!). I should have been more clear, this wasn't the magazine itself, it was "Playboy's Blond and Beautiful" or some such - and it was just pictures.

Interesting, about "the talk". We've talked, over the years, and sometimes quite explicitly, about sex, but I've never sat him down and said "Now we're going to have The Talk." We're in the "getting to know you" phase with a new therapist right now, and he asked if I'd ever talked to C about sex and C replied, "no, other than telling me not to do it!" I thought I was being quite skilled in taking advantage of opportunities and not making The Talk a Big Deal - but maybe he needs/wants (at some level) the Big Deal Talk.

I didn't talk to him about it last night, we had other things on our plate. I'm sure there will be the right time sometime this weekend, when it'll feel right to me. I'll let you know how it goes. Thanks again, all.

[crick]

Lucy - I agree with your points...the discussions and informative issues are definitely needed.

Kay - good luck!!!

[dadfor2]

well, of course we all know that teen boys read playboy for the articles.....

[karenw]

I am so glad that this thread was started!!
We had a recent incident where I found that "lezbion" had been googled on our computer. I immediately knew it was my son as he is a terrible speller. I asked why he did that-did he want to watch 2 women, etc. He first apologized and then admitted that he was curious but didn't want to see naked men (for goodness sake, mom)! I held back the laugh, tried to be very calm and said that I appreciated that he was curious, but that we have expressly banned anything sexual on the internet because of the uncensored nature of the content. Then I was so calm and said "I am glad you are not out exploring with others, but we need to find a way for you to explore your sexuality that we all can live with" I was feeling so good and proud oif myself until he asked "well how are we going to do that?" and I was dumbfounded, I stuttered and stammered and said we would have to wait to talk it over with DP. He shrugged and said ok. I was at a total loss. He lives with 2 women and is inundated with messages about respecting women, and he is truly a nice sweet guy. I just didn't know where to go with it. I would rather he explore with himself now and avoid the obvious complications of a sexual relationship- After many calls and conversations with friends and male relatives, I bought him a Victoria's Secret catalog. The commercials on TV are way too racy, but I figured that it is less pornographic than most options. I also want him to think of sex as a wonderful part of life, but that it is a HUGE committment and should not be done casually. As we have been discussing sex, condoms, relationships and sexuality most of his life with us I was surprised that I was so thrown off guard!!!
Oh well, that is their job, to totally confuse day after day!!!
Karen

[crick]

Karen - LOL! I love it. And so glad to know that an experienced parent like you stumbled just a bit over a solution! I think you did great!

[Howdy]

I read somewhere that men's pupils get larger when they look at young women. And women's pupils get larger when they look at.......babies/toddlers! (sorry guys) (also read that the only scent that measurably stimulated women was....baby powder! I guess we just really REALLY like babies, ha!)

But I don't think watching other people's babies and toddlers would make women unsatisfied with future babies/toddlers of their own.

So probably a boy looking at naked women isn't going to turn him off real women.

My parents subscribed to Playboy for my brother when he was in High School. I don't think it was very appropriate because I naturally read the magazine too, and I totally disagree about the articles being good, at least not for a very young girl to read. They impressed me as being pretty sick. Maybe I'd have a different impression as a grown up.

I'd much rather have a boy with a Playboy than my experience this morning where my 9 yr old dd was late getting ready for school and her excuse was that she was masturbating. Oh gosh, what does one say to that?! I blither-blathered about a book I'd read once (Phillip Roth?) about a boy who would masturbate in the bathroom and his mom kept wanting to know what was wrong in there. Probably that was not the right way to respond, but I'm not good at quick thinking!

[spaypets]

Howdy, clearly it's a magazine for adults, so I agree it's not appropriate for children. I don't recall any articles being sick -- lots of interviews with politicians, entertainers. Editorially, it was very much like Rolling Stone, but with less music (not surprising since they used a lot of the same writers).

But, ick about having to respond to masturbation as an excuse for being late. I guess you'll have to make clear that it's not an appropriate reason for being late for school and she should save it for a time when it doesn't interfere with her life.

[lucyjoy]

Oh Howdy-don't think they covered that in Love and Logic, huh? (I'm laughing to hard to type). Apparently, you need to give her rules for timing and discussing with people. Oh, so glad I wasn't the mom for this one.

I think my kids would be mortified if their mother subscribed to playboy for them. They'd probably still look at them, but thinking they might not want to be talking to me. That's a little too weird even for my house.

[crick]

Howdy...LOL! sorry...I am sure it wasn't funny at the time and can just imagine the look on your face!

And my flip response I might make to my dd on that one would probably be something along the lines of "remember, playtime is for AFTER school".

[spaypets]

Crick, ROTFLMAO!