[Archive]

Originally Posted By barki

Our caseworker isn't comfortable placing an African American child with us because of where we live. We are Caucasian and (very low blood quantum) Native American and who knows what all. (I guess I should do some geneological research? LOL) There is not another African American family that I know of for about 30 miles. We don't have any friends who are African American and the concern for cultural connection is probably valid. There are minority families in our area with whom we are friends. We don't exclude persons of other races from our lives, there just aren't many in our geographic area.

So my question is: Should we even consider a child who is African American or take this as good advice and not think about a child of another race at all?

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Pam

Not everyone who adopts African-American children can live in a diverse neighborhood. However, there are tons of African-American kids who need homes, especially the boys. I am going on my fourth African-American child and am thrilled with all of them. We have one close friend who is African-American, and he really helps us, but our neighborhood is not that diverse yet (it is getting better). The three African-American boys we adopted were just waiting around simply due to race and sex. They had no others interested in them except us. We didn't have to compete with 100 families for commitee. and the kids really did need homes....we needed each other, so to speak, so it was good. We homeschool, so we include African-American history in our program, more than most people probably do. Our neighbors treat our kids the same as any kids. The workers who have placed these kids into our care have been black themselves and were not concerned about us or where we lived....they just wanted to place these kids who so badly needed permanancy. We keep in touch with t heir foster parents, who are all black...so thats another source of support for us and our k ids. I can't tell you how happy I am with our family (which also includes two Asian kids). If we have waited around for caucasian kids, who generally DONT have a really hard problem getting placed, we may not have such a large family and some neat children. Strangely, our neighborhood started becoming more diverse just as we adopted our first African-American child.
We have had no bad experiences with our kids due to race. Unless you live in a neighborhood that is clearly bigoted, I say go for it. We will never be sorry that we did. We needed them and they needed us, and it feels very natural and relaxed to us.
NJ is a great state for interracial adoption. Delaware is too. But there are no states that prohibit or will not do an interracial adoption. Frankly, they mostly just want loving homes for their kids.
If you want more info, or are interested in certain kids I know about, e-mail me )

Pam

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Keagan

Unfortunately race, rather racism is the leaven that has permutated the soul and essence of this country. I was going to go into a long discourse instead I'll just jump to the chase. While every child needs and deserves a home, is any home for every child? In short we must put ourselves in the child's position. While I know you are not infected or in the stream of America's stream and torrent of racism, it's those other folks that the child will have to confront daily, hence you vicariously since we cannot control or enlighten the dull.

I'm Black and have lived in Switzerland, Cambridge England, and Vermont... I've visited areas where I'm sure I was the first Black person to ever set ground. And because of my various hybrids I did more to confuse them because I wasn't jet black with a baldhead, with the stereotyped exaggerated features. And frankly life was just a breeze. However there are suburbs of Cleveland, Boston and Chicago where racism and arrogance is so dominant that you would swear you were in the scary psuedo-Bible belt south. Then there are the obvious states such as the Dakotas, Idaho, Maine etc. where there just isn't an abundance of people of any color leave alone of color, would it be fair to displace a child in those environments just to provide a home? Let me rephrase that, would you want to be the only black/white child for miles?

And finally consider when the child is older. I used to love attending churches that had the auxiliary singles club/fellowship, oftentimes I was the only black person. Many churches feel compelled to legitimize you. However, when the issue of race and "inter-racial" arises the plot thickens. It's ugly... do you want subject your child to that? I know a wonderful couple who have adopted five black crack children over the years. The private "Christian" school where they "had" them enrolled would pray to their god that she they would disappear. Not only were they uncomfortable with the children race, but the educational challenges. I had wanted to enroll my son in the local Catholic school and while it wasn't an issue of race, he was so far behind that they wouldn't even consider him. At the time I resented it, but in retrospect I understand their position.

Which brings up another point, regardless of the child's hue, most of these kids are significantly delayed. Does your community have the resources to help you? I am still fighting to get my son tested at the university. The plus is at least there is a university approximate enough for me fight with. We're not adopting the kid down the road, these are special kids with "special needs".

What am I saying, I wouldn't recommend that you adopt a black child if you even remotely suspect that he might be uncomfortable and that the child may be mercilessly harassed? Perpetual foster in a heterogeneous or homogeneous environment resembling himself is far better than trying to make Dr. Martin Luther King's dream realized. However, if the schools and community are friendly (I hate that word "tolerant", it is so bloody arrogant) and the child is not an anomaly, go for it!

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Pam

For me, due to my family, I hung on every word. I often want to ask "did we do the right thing?" to African-Americans and your feedback was great, although I didn't ask for it from you.
Actually, our neighborhood does have a few African-American families (not a lot, but it's growing) and we have a few ver significant people in our lives who are also African-American. Also, unlike some, since we homeschool, we can move when the kids get older, if they don't feel comfortable. Both my husband and I grew up in very diverse neighborhoods where people of all races mixed and usually (not always) got along quite well, and we can move back (although we do like the quiet of the country).
In a moral way, do you feel we did the right thing? You can be very candid and say "no." But this is an honest question. All three (going on four) of our kids had no other adoption prospects (we would not have adopted any child who could have gone to an African-American family). We want what is best for all children. We love our children with all our hearts and would die for them, but is that enough? In your opinion, do you feel they would have better off in black foster homes, although none would have been able to stay in their placements? BTW, strangely enough, the girls out here really seem to like the black kids (so far they are all boys) at the high school and they don't lack for dates at all, but I really do want my kids to have the option of dating kids of their own race.
All my kids have certain special needs, but seem to be doing well and are happy now. I realize there is a bigger picture here. My two Asian kids are grown and almost grown. They are doing great and have wonderful social lives, but I can't help but think that it is easier to be Asian than to be black (although they've both had a few experiences of racism).
In short, do you feel it is morally right for us, or for any family who is caucasian, to adopt black kids. If so, under which circumstances, to feel it is best. I've been reading your posts for a long time and consider you a very intelligent man with wonderful insight. If you feel comfortable doing so, please respond. I am NOT one of those folks who thinks that everyone is color-blind and society has fixed everything by ending segregation (yes, I've talked to some clueless folks who think racism no longer exists). And I can handle criticism quite well.
Our motives for adopting black kids are that we wanted to expand our family and that we wanted to adopt kids who seemed like they wouldn't be adopted at all. We actually were not specifically looking for kids of any race, but these are the kids who came to us. We definitely wanted boys as they are much harder to place.
Good luck with your newest child (I hear there may be one in the works) and any feedback, even a scathing one, would be appreciated.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By yrand

As usual Keagan has voiced my sentiments on this very touchy subject.Being a HYBRID myself I can totally relate to having
been the only or one of few in a white school or church setting.And I have been in total black oriented schools and churches too and have benefited by both experiences.I remember having been the only black girl at my white friend's condo complex and having to have to think twice before going in the pool for fear of someone complaining in a Dallas suburb and being equally perplexed by attending an all black high school for the first time there.My two biracial babies are being fostered by a Latino man and his White wife in an all Hispanic nieghborhood that I have dubbed Little TJ (that's Tijuana for you in the midwest).I live in a diverse area where Anglos,African-Americans,Asians,Indians and everyone else live and where the homes are higher in value just because of the school district that is there.But when I want to go to a soul food restuarant or feel like some lamb curry I know where to go.So to sum it all up I say chart your course.If this is a deep yearning that you have you can make a way.But you can't expect to do it in isolation you'll need resources,including black people that you can relate and rely on to help you.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Keagan

Pam,

Please believe me I didn't read your post until after I had posted than I said... "OH NO! She touched on this and it looks like I'm refuting her!" I saw that you folks had home schooled... and you said much more eloquently and directly what I was headed towards. That being there are those who like to PRETEND that there is no racism, and eat only whole wheat, tofu, and use Canola oil. That is a very spooky perspective and to throw a child on top of that will only force them deeper underground, or just maybe the slap in the face they've needed.

I refuse to enter a debate about cross-cultural, or inter-racial anything. For me it only plays in the hands of the perverts who are intent on controlling others. Love is indeed colorblind. I may have shared with the forum the day I was at the Ross store, I saw a little boy around my son's age, 12, and he called out to his dad who to my surprise was white. I thought, "He's adopted and that guy is indeed his dad, the relationship and love was evident." The boy wasn't self-conscious, it will only be when one of the meanies latch on to their family and try to inject their venom. But from what I saw in those few seconds I suspect their love will fend that off.

We're preparing for number two, we've locked into one, and another two on the secondary short list, all seem pretty certain. One of the boys is white and live with my son when he was in foster care. The primary boy that I'm considering while black appears more white. You can't believe the internal grappling I'm doing over that one. It's frankly easier to adopt a child who is white, fewer issues to consider.

I'm babbling because I don't want to appear to be one of the scary people. I believe that (almost) every child deserve a permanent home. I've encountered some that you'd have to stay on top of your insurance, and keep a watchdog by your bed. Not the world for me. But while your heart is pure, that are many more whose heart are twisted and black.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By barki

I understand all the responses, but I just have a question for Keagan: Is it really better to be in perpetual foster care? Some foster parents are willing to have a child live with them forever and will continue to be a family for that child throughout their (the child's and their own) lives. The legal status of a child isn't that important to them and they are family regardless.

BUT what about foster care drift, where there is no stable family and constant changes are the norm for the child? When they reach adulthood they have no family -- birth, foster or adopted -- to include in their lives. Is this really the best? Before you answer, think of all the times you've relied on your family in your adult life. Not for the major decisons, but to just have them to call to talk with, get that boost in moral, etc. Would no family as an adult be better than having a family of a different race, even with the difficulties?

Ok, that said, I DO get the picture of living with the unspoken slurs and the winks and nods. I agree with Pam, that we wouldn't adopt them if there were an African American family who was available for them. But those aren't generally the ones who are on the internet, waiting for homes, either. Children are placed on internet listings because they have already spent time waiting in their home state with no responses.

On a side note here, it's been difficult for me to see children that were waiting in our state listed on the internet. We still can't adopt them, but it hurts that we were looking for a child and couldn't take that one and save a year or so out of their waiting for a home.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Keagan

We can't save every child in foster... BELIEVE ME!!! I am hoping that my next child is my last... somehow I doubt it. Jesus said, "the poor you have with you always", how does that relate to our discussion? I don't know. Only to say there will always be proportionally more black children available for adoption than others. And yes, if you're looking to adopt a very young child a black child will have fewer contenders than a white or Hispanic child.

But as I look out on the web I see a lot of beautiful white children. Now grant it, if a white child hits the web they're usually in the red zone, with flags all throughout their profile. But they're there. What I'm saying is if your community would not be healthy for a child of color, then consider a child who would not be as effected. I'm looking at moving from New Mexico in about a year after my second son is settled. Now I love Iowa, but I have had to take Iowa out of the running, because where I would want to live in the rural hinterlands they would certainly be the only black children. In short, my moving job considerations just ain't what it used to be. I have to consider what would be a healthy balance community for both my sons and me. Of course there's always Washington D.C. East St. Louis, and parts of Mississippi where black folks are in the majority and so is fatherless homes, poverty and barred windows. My son shutters when we go through a neighbor where there are bars in contrast to where we presently live.

These are considerations I'm exploring having already have my son in place. I think these the same thought processes apply to individuals considering adopting.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By yrand

Some of these children with very serious medical issues are the ones who wait longer whether black or white.Most black families would not be able to handle it without in home care while they work which is expensive.I would not care what color a family was that could deal with those medical challenges and my hat is off to those who do.I've spoken to some who do this and it is not an easy job.The single woman who adopted my first sibling group is what I would call a professional house parent.She had my three girls,only one was medically fragile,and three more black crack babies.She probaly gets about $5,000 a month for their care so can afford to stay home and pay for day help.As these babies get older and more challenging it would be interesting to know if she still keeps them but I guess I'm a little cynical.Long term fostercare is not a good option in most cases but in some like Jerry who's foster child is still looking at reunification at age 18 it is another way to provide the stability that many older kids need.At 18 I was already on my own so I can't imagine reunification at that age but I guess it happens.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By yrand

I forgot to mention sometimes certain behavioral problems
are resolved by placing black children,especially boys, with black families.Boys who were diagnosed with ADHD and
oppositional defiance miraculously get cured with the influence of a strong black dad and mom.Suddenly they're taken off retalin and don't need 5 more years of counseling.
But that would leave some folks without a paycheck so we can't
do that too often.I just hate it when I hear of the kids who get returned to the system when they're no longer cute toddlers or when they're angry confused ten year olds who never fit in with a white family.

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Carla

We struggled with the racial decision. For many reasons. We are white and had 2 bio children when we decided to adopt. We originally decided that we would adopt within our own race. We live in a primarily white community. A town about 7 miles away is a little mixed. We had much discussion between ourselves (my husband and myself) concerning all aspects of the decision to adopt across racial lines. We went from deciding to adopt only caucasian, to bi-racial, to race not important, to caucasian, and around and around and around. We accepted a foster placement of a set of black twin girls who were 11 days old and being released from the hospital. We were the last family that they were calling. If we had turned down the placement then they would have most likely been placed in a residential facility. My husband and I both volunteered at such a facility a few years back and didn't think it was the best option for any child. So we decided to take the placement. The girls were 7 weeks premature, drug exposed, and weighed in at a little over 4 pounds each.

By the time their parental rights were terminated they were 18 months old and we were the only family that they had known. We were all so attached by that point that we were family. By that time they were my babies and I couldn't see them anywhere else. And furthermore I couldn't imagine our life without them. I think I could have allowed them to be adopted by another family if they were active Christians, African American, and willing to live right next door to me for the rest of my life. I'm not even sure that would have been enough! We do have hopes of moving to a more diverse area, and are seeking that type of a move. Since my husband is a pastor he needs to find a position first. We are hoping to have moved by the time the girls get to school age (they are 2.5 now).

Good Luck with your decision.

Carla

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Keagan

This is what I was afraid of when the topic hits the forum, while race is to be considered and it is indeed assuming a reality that many would prefer not acknowledge... however making it a focal point plays into the bad guys court. I saw a magazine for "inter-racial" couples. I said, "I can't believe this" anyone subscribing to that is inferring that they are handicapped, freaks, fragile. Yes I can see individuals who have adopted "trans-racial" having to perhaps avail themselves to a support group because frequently these children come to us amid our lives, where we are.

If you love the child, bring them in, love them... Remember, Africans adopted Moses... and his wife was Black. Opps, that's one of those passages you don't hear from pulpits.

I wonder why...

[Archive]

Originally Posted By yrand

So were the original Hebrews Keagan but you knew that right?

[Archive]

Originally Posted By Pam

I'll never forget one of the first times I took my then two year old African-American son out to lunch. He was fussy and ended up throwing a tantrum. The couple next to me and my hub and little boy were glancing at us and him, and, for the first time in my life, I found myself asking myself, "Are they upset because he's crying and disruptive or are they upset because he's black and crying and disruptive." I have become VERY sensitive to any sort of racial comments. Things like "Jesse Jackson is a racist" (a comment I hear a lot, especially on my favorite politics chat channel) get me really hot and I find myself thinking of my kids and trying to make the moron on the other end of the monitor understand that he is NOT a racist; he is fighting for inequalities that have always existed, and still do today. I find myself cringing when people make "commie" comments because some people are so shallow t hey think all asians are communists (this is in relation to my Chinese and Korean son) and I find myself near tears when people say they don't think the races should marry. Obviously, to me, none of that makes sense or matters. Although I look white, I don't think that way anymore, although I was always rather sensitive to racial and religious slurs. It is worse now. Nobody has directly attacked my children. But every racial slight I hear (against even races and groups that don't apply to MY kids) hurt me deeply. I am so proud of my kids and think they are so special (the best kids on earth) that it breaks my heart that anyone else may not think so, based only on race because, truly, my kids are beautiful. I read about the Civil War and segregation and am furious that this ever happened. I rememer days from high school, when I'd date an African-American boy, and we'd get seated in the back of a restaurant. This was in the early 70's and NOT in the south. It was considered such a strange thing to do back then....I ask myself why it was considered strange (where I live now, it is common and no longer considered that strange)....I wonder why anyone would think it is strange at all. I stare at people who ask me if I want my one biological son, who is 23, to marry a white girl....like that matters to me. I shake my head that some people think there is no racism anymore, and I hear it a lot, always from whites who obviously do not live with or love anyone who is not. I get enraged when people say "blacks are as prejudice as whites." I want to scream, and sometimes do say, "It's a reaction to the treatment, stupid!!!" Yes, I look white, but I will never feel white or think white again. Ever. Am I sorry? NO! NO! NO! I'm *glad!* Ok, I vented and I guess the point of my post is that I feel it is very important for people to realize that once they open their hearts and souls to a child of another race, they become a part of that race and never quite see things the same again.

Sadly, there are exceptions to that rule...people who adopt kids from Korea or kids who are black and raise them without acknowledging ethnic differences, saying, "Love is all that matters. Love is colorblind." I know of a poor college girl who is Korean and was adopted b y an Irish-Catholic couple who call her "My Irish Princess" and put her in Irish stepdancing and dress her in green on St. patrick's Day, but never give her any pride in being Korean.....they even gave her an Irish name.

Hopefully, most of us know better than that and are more sensitive than that.

That's all I have to say. Hope it makes sense. It came from deep in my heart.

Pam

[Archive]

Originally Posted By barki

And yes, I'm one of those individuals who feels responsible and guilty for ALL the children out there without homes. It's difficult for me to have to say "no" to any child...particularly if the only "impediment" is race and where we live. However, just as we have had to not consider children with medical issues that would be beyond the scope of our immediate medical facilities so we've (pretty much) not sought out children of African American heritage.

As to Caucasian children who are waiting -- yes, we are still looking. I'm trying to decide if I can do this all again. Today I can't, but would I feel like this if I could just get past the post-holiday crush of catch-up chores? LOL I'll ask my dh and see what HE thinks of my abilities! I've been looking at sibling groups again, too.... Argh, I have to curb my desires with reality and that is sometimes painful! That and the fact that we only have 3 bedrooms (TOTAL) keeps me from going completely out of control.