[sandunk]

Hello,

I am a student in a child development class for my Social Work degree. I am in a group project and we are a couple who are making a decision to adopt a special needs child. I would appreciate any input as to how you made your decision to adopt a special needs child and what criteria you used to make the decision. Thank you for any help you can be.

Sandy

[kay]

Well, for me, it wasn't a case where I decided that I wanted to adopt a "special needs" child. I knew from the "git-go" that, as a single parent, I wanted a school-age child, who would ideally be at school when I was at work. And I've never been especially drawn to babies anyway, preferring interactions with kids once they can talk. Then I discovered that older kids, just because they are older, are considered "special needs" by the system; then I discovered that older kids frequently have "special needs" kinds of problems, due to either their pasts or to being in the system. So for me it was a case of adapting my expectations and wants as I learned. My son is/was considered special needs because of his age, and his race, and mandated continued contact with a half sister, and he does have emotional problems caused by separation from his birth family and the whole foster care experience - but no one would think of him as special needs on meeting or interacting with him, and it's not how I think of him. He's just my much beloved son, who is quirky and different, and sometimes drives me batty (but he's 14 now, and that's his job, right?? )

[aspenhall]

Special needs is a misleading term.... I think just about all of us found ourselves with certain strengths and saw children who could benefit from our strengths.... They just happen to be called special needs.... All older children are special needs.... Our dd and her bmom recieved divine inspiration that we were "the ones" after living with dd, it is apparent to me as well.... she did not "fit" with her first family... She "fits" with us... Her bmom saw that way before we did...

Choosing a child is a lot like choosing a spouse all over again... You are picking someone to be family forever and you look for compatibility....

[ajjhmf]

For us it was a matter of faith and prayer. We knew from the get go of our marriage that we wanted to adopt, fast forward three years and we start the research and prayer about it. We were led away from domestic infant and international adoption while we were drawn to an older child adoption through the state.

I remember sitting down with my husband and going through the checklist of needs and behaviors we were asked to consider. We'd never been parents before and gong through a list like this of 5 pages was daunting. At the time I thought, "How am I supposed to know if I can handle a child with ______?" So more reading and prayer led to the completion of our list and application. In the end we were appoved to adopt up to three children (sibling group) ages 8 and under. We continued to pray throughout the selection process that the right child would come to us. He did.

My son was in foster care for the first 4 years of his life. He was considered 'special needs' because of his age, the length of time he spent in foster care, and because he was part of a sibling group. (In the end J and his brother were separated by the state, though.) J was not at all like what we had imagined from his description and file. In our case, much was unknown and unreported about J's first 4 years, depsite having been in foster care with the same family that whole time. His true needs weren't really known until he'd been with us for a while. He had unknown prenatal exposures, mild sensory issues, post traumtic stress disorder, generalized anxiety disorder and at the time of placement, a significant global delay.

But I don't think of him as those things. He's not 'special needs' to me. He is simply J, my wonderful 6yo son.

Blessings,
Jenny

[tmjbstark]

We didn't decide start out wanting a "special needs" child either. My husband and I knew we wanted to adopt. We looked at all the different types of adoptions and knew that we wanted to adopt older children. In the process we learned a lot about how losing their birth family affects them as well as many other things. I still really don't like the term "special needs" and have heard more than a few kids become upset when you call them "special". Our goal was never to find a kid that had a specific issue or diagnosis. It was just to find our kids. We are in what is the equivalent to a "committee" in our state on two seperate sibling groups at the moment. Each one has their own unique needs, and although it is important that we are aware of what these are, they are not how we will identify our kids.

[lostboys]

We never intended to adopt at all. We have raises 6 of our own children then decided to foster. We have 3, 15yr old boys who will not be going home to bio's and we love them all dearly. They all want us to adopted them. We want them to have permancey and security in their lives so we have made the decision to adopt all 3 of them. I believe God wants us all to have a family. These boys are my family so we are adopting them to make that official. They all have their issues and problems, but who doesn't. They are wonderful kids in my eyes. I guess it all boils down to love and nothing else. That is why we are adopting them, because we love them.

[wenrl]

I never liked or wanted kids. I especially was not fond of babies (I still prefer kids once they can talk and don't spit up). Being the youngest in my family, did not allow me to have a lot of exposure to children, so I think I think I didn't like kids because I didn't know them much. Then, when I was in college, I had a girlfriend who had a rough life, in a way. Although she had lived through a troubled-period and come out on the other side, her older sibling died of a drug overdose, leaving 4 kids in the system and her younger sister probably should have her children removed also for drug issues. At the time, my GF had a neice around 6 and we babysat for her a lot. She slept at our house and we took her out and about on a regular basis, hoping to keep her away from mom's lifestyle as much as possible. I realized not only did I like kids, but I felt that I really had something to offer. I was good at relating to them and they liked me. Also, being a full-time older (by just 4 years but still) college student, all on my own, supporting myself, meant I wasn't living in the best neighborhood either. I saw a lot of great kids being led down dark paths by parents addicted to drugs or alcohol or whatever, in my neighborhood while I drove off to school to make a better life for myself.

Although I assume my partner now and I are perfectly fertile, having seen what I've seen, I would feel selfish to give birth when there are so many wonderful children deserving a better life with a safe home and parents who really think about their best interests and truly love them. That's not to say I'm anti-bio kids, but it doesn't feel like the right choice for me and my family. I felt that we had the right things to offer to an older child who has been through the system. We are open and understanding, but strict with a clear sense of discipline. We could care less about biology -- our child is our child no matter her age, color, background whatever. We aren't afraid of troubled pasts and have no jealousy about birth family connections. We live in a liberal and diverse area, where a family like ours: multi-racial with two moms, does not cause a problem.

We're not religious. None of this had to do with prayer, but we really feel it was meant to be. When we first saw our daughter in a photo listing, that was it. We knew without a doubt, she was meant for us. She was on Wednesday's Child and we taped the episode and watched it over and over. We showed our friends. Before we were even matched, we bought her furniture and called one room in our house T's room. We bugged her worker for months before she matched us and were so depressed many times when we thought our girl had been matched with someone else. When we used to hear the song "I'm With You," by Avril Lavigne, we thought of her. When we met her, that was her favorite song. All these feelings we had were not things we had ever felt before. We didn't go around getting attached to kids we didn't know, but with T. that is exactly what we did. It took so long and her worker was so discouraging, we tried to move on and find other children, but no matter what the issues or lack of them with other kids, no other child compared to her and our hearts were never invested anywhere else we sent our homestudy. It's just been obvious that this is how we are meant to form our family.

[SCAdoptGoneBad]

We adopted a special needs child from the SC DSS. This child which we will call "Timmy" has hurt our pets, children (one he tried to smother while he was asleep in his crib), neighbor's children, been kicked out of school, etc. etc.

Timmy was placed into 24 hr/day supervised group homes where he could be monitored and given the counseling he needed.

Last December SC DSS told us he was to be released from group home to return to our house. County mental health stated that he was not ready to go home, but due to SC DSS financial bottom line we were told to come get him. We pleaded with DSS not to let Timmy back into our home in fear that something else would happen to our other children (all younger then him) because each time he comes home he does something worse then the time before.

Timmy came home and with in 6 months he committed a felony sexual assault on one of his younger siblings. Timmy pleaded guilty in court and now the rest of our family is going to counseling and my children a scared that he will return. The pain and suffering that was caused by this whole thing is unbearable.

[Barksum]

We didn't "plan" to adopt a special needs child, either. We were approached by Child Welfare regarding a relative who needed an adoptive home. We were not chosen; that child went to another relative. However, we were encouraged by Child Welfare to consider a waiting child and, since we had the completed homestudy et al, we did. We were finally matched with a waiting child and that's how we came to be adoptive parents. We adopted a second child and are in the process of trying to adopt a third.

It is not for everyone. There are many, many things to consider. We've opted to only adopt in birth order, that is, only younger than our youngest. When we started out our oldest was 7, so we looked for children about 5 years old and younger. Then when we were looking for our second adoptive child our youngest was 4, so we looked for children under the age of about 2. Now our youngest is 4 and we are looking again for children 2 and under.

We have learned how to read between the lines a bit, too. When reading the brief biographies we wonder about this gap or that gap. Why isn't this child placed with his sibs? What do they mean about this child needing strict boundaries? Why doesn't the foster family want do adopt? What does the therapist say? How do they know, for certain, that this child doesn't have attachment disorder, fetal alcohol, PTSD, etc.? It is the vague statements that raise red flags now. When we first began to look into adopting a waiting child (after not being chosen for our relative) I blissfully read through the little biographies...now I read them with a very jaundiced eye and wonder what they are NOT telling.

Still, special needs adoption can be a very beneficial experience for both the child and the family. It can also be a nightmare. Just as with children born into the family one has to do the best with the knowledge one has, but there are no guarantees.

Also of note, we very carefully read through the casefile of our first adoptive child. We were adamant that we could not deal with a child with fetal alcohol problems. No way. So, very carefully, we went forward with our adoption. Fast forward a whole two months and we knew there was more going on with this little child than we knew about. At just over 2 years old we KNEW there were vast differences between the behaviors we saw and the "norm". Sooo, we wandered around trying to find someone who could help us. When this little one was almost 5 we finally figured out that he probably has some form of fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. He also has probably dysfunction of sensory integration. Additionally he initially had some grief and attachment issues. So much for being ultra careful and "sure" about what we "could not handle". We learn, we grieve, we adjust, we go on. We went into our 2nd adoption much more aware, and we know that he was born addicted and prenatally exposed to poly substances, including alcohol. So we KNOW what we are getting into this time. Well, we "know" to the best of our ability. LOL

[Biffer1997]

My husband and I are the prospective adoptive parents to a 12 year old girl. We started the adoption process for a special needs child less than a year ago. Even though we can both have children, we felt that there were so many kids out there already that needed a home like the one we could provide. I am not into car seats, babysitters, etc., so adopting an older school age child was always the plan. I can't pinpoint the exact cause of this--I grew up with an aunt and uncle who had foster kids, so it seemed normal. Several of my friends were going through infertility/miscarriages a couple of years ago (they both have little girls now so I felt that having a baby then would be inconsiderate. As time went on, having a biological baby became less important--just making the difference to a child was the goal.

I am not sure if this is what you needed. If you have any specific quesitons, please send a private message or post here.

TIffany

[Dearonebaby]

I always knew that I wanted to adopt a minority child. It was the emotional, developmental and and learning delays that we had to weigh. It was while we were preparing to adopt an "infant" and try to sidestep all of these probabilities, that we felt that God wanted us to explore other avenues. He put a lot of great adoptive parents that had adopted special needs, in our path as we were doing Homestudie'S and preparing, and we felt that we were right for special needs adoption. At first we were scared and now We are excited!!!! We look at it as, only certain people are chosen to do the harder path in life because God compliments you by leading you down that path. Adoption is a very different road than biological children, but yet the same. One thing that I have noticed, is that a lot of kids that are raised by their biological parents can have a lot of the same problems as adopted children. My sister has 5 bio children and 4 out of 5 have learning dissabilities,not horrible but one is 3-5 years behind in some classes, and all of them were raised very well loved and nurtured. It has a lot of big challenges and pluses and moments. When weighing whether to adopt special needs, if you are religious I would pray. If you are a researcher, then I would research and decide to what degree of various "special needs" do you feel comfortable dealing with. If you adopted a developmentally delayed child could you accept it the same if the child never gets to be a self reliant functioning adult? Do you become overwhelmed with challenges that are totally new to you, or do you jump into them head first looking for answers? Next, I would ask myself what has God layed in my path that might have been or might be preparing me for special needs adoption? When we went into the "special needs" category of adoption, we started with a low number on age, and one child, then went up to 9 years old and a sibling group of two. We didn't want a lot of problems but the boys we are praying to be matched with are the boys we want, they are the boys we dream of regardless of the past. There isn't much they could say that would change our mind.
Just remember through everything, not everyone is made for every situation, and I think no matter how great you will be with special needs, you will doubt your abilities at some time during your matching and adoption, just like all parents. Good luck. I hope this helps.

[Fran Wright]

my husband and I are thinking about adopting a special needs child. We are in the home studt=y process right now. I have been reading alout thiese children and I'm a little nervous about some of the problems involved. I was wondering if anybody has some experiences, good and bad so we can be as prepared as possible

[Barksum]

Many people have posted both good and bad experiences on this particular special needs forum. You can go through and see the "old" posts.

My Dh and I have 3 children, 12, 7 and 4, and we find out soon if we will be adopting again. We've adopted two of our children from the foster system in our state. One child came to us with no identified special needs, but had a history of neglect and multiple caregivers during the first year of life as well as prenatal exposure to methamphetamine and alcohol (this was in the file, but not written in bold letters or anything!). He came to us at 2 years old, and we knew within the first two months after he came to us that something was not "right". Through the next 2 1/2 years we slowly went through a list of possible problems and eliminated each one until we finally were referred to a child therapist who suggested that we look into fetal alcohol spectrum disorders. Bingo. This was all a bit much, especially since we'd been so careful to "avoid" fetal alcohol. Just shows to go...you can only screen out so much and then you get to deal with what comes through anyway.

Our second adoption was already in place by the time we figured out what was going on with our older son, so we kind of were swamped, emotionally, for a bit. Overall, besides just the daily-ness of dealing with various individual issues that the kids have, the most difficult times have been when we didn't know what was going on and were searching for answers, and also, ironically, when we did get tentative diagnoses. It was difficult emotionally and on a mental level; our sons didn't change, but our understanding and our fears for them and the future changed how we viewed what we were dealing with. Once we learned to come to grips with that in our minds we were back on track and going again.

Our second son was born addicted to heroin, and exposed to methadone (drug used during heroin rehab), marajuana, alcohol, cocaine, and tobacco. He came to us at one year of age with a bunch of various delays, but had been in an excellent foster home since he came home from the hospital at 6 days old. The stability made TONS of difference, even with his developmental delays. He has made great strides in reaching developmental milestones, remaining delayed in expressive speech (but making super, phenominal progress there in the last 5 months) and socially. We aren't sure if his social delays are related to his speech delay or if this could be more in keeping with prenatal exposure to alcohol. I guess time will tell. Or not....

I guess the best advice I've had is to learn as much as you can about the kinds of issues children who have been traumatized have and to identify the strengths and weaknesses your family brings into the equation. Also, when you read a child's file BELIEVE what you read, but also read between the lines. If the biography you read says that the foster parents report that this child has tantrums, don't assume this are just childish tantrums, normal to children. Ask for descriptions; in our case, our son would tantrum for oh, 45 min. to an hour over miniscule triggers. This is NOT normal, even for a two year old. (That's the other little bit of advice that I treasure; measure what is "normal childhood behavior" by looking at the frequency, intensity and duration of a certain behavior. Yes, tantrums are almost universal in toddlers. However, hour long hysterical screaming and throwing themselves into walls, onto the floor, out of parent's arms, off of furniture, is NOT normal toddler tantrumming.)

Some of the guidelines we've set are that we do not adopt older than our children, and we try to avoid moderate/serious forms of attachment disorder, major medical issues. Since we are looking for children younger than our youngest we are looking to adopt toddlers, so we don't usually have to look at issues such as sexually aggressive and/or sexually reactive, fire setting, lying, stealing, physical aggression, etc., but those are all things to consider when adopting a child of approximately age 3 and up.

Hope this gives you some info you can use.

[Fran Wright]

thanks for the info. it helps. wish us luck.

[SuzBerg]

We have three sons (ages 14, 10, 7) we adopted our little girl when she was 2 1/2 she was considered medically fragile. Em was born with complex congenital heart defects and some other medical issues, she has some developmental delays. We knew when we adopted her she would need at least one more major surgery (she had already had three), we were told her prognosis/life expectancy was unknown. She was considered unadoptable, we were the only family interested in her.

Now she is 4 years old, she has had her heart surgery (her prognosis is still unknown,but do any of us know for sure what our future is?). To me she is not "special needs" she is just our beautiful little girl! It has been a wonderful experience for our family. I am not saying it is always easy. Our boys (who are not adopted), also have some "special needs" (learning disability, ADHD, one has Aspbergers Syndrom). I think that's why it was easy for us to consider special needs adoption. We don't see "special needs", we just see awesome kids!

My advice would be, to decide what things you can handle and go with that. Do research, talk to others with experience. Some things are easier for some people to handle, some things are easier for others. We (like Barksum), did not adopt younger than our youngest child.

Good Luck - Suz