[missw005]

Most of you know of my struggles to find my 3rd and/or 4th child. I've been to committee 6 times in the last 5 months. Slowly but surely, the list of kids I'm being considered for has gone down. There was just 1 special little one left.

And last night I finally got an answer from a worker in Oregon about a little girl I'd applied for. The ONLY girl I'd ever applied for.
No luck.
They picked another family.
Again.

I've heard it all (and have thought/debated/obsessed about it personally as well).
"Aren't you happy/satisfied/fulfilled with the 2 you have?"
"Maybe it's meant to be for you to just have the boys."
"More? What? Are you crazy?"
"Do you really think that's a good idea?"
(or, in my family's case, "If you get another child, we'll stop speaking to you/spending time with you.") (as opposed to the tremendous amounts of time we spend together now? HA!)
"I/We think God is telling you that you have enough on your plate."
"Why do you want more kids? Aren't your kids a handful as it is?"
"No one will marry you if you get more." (as if there's a waiting list now)
"Do you think that's fair to the boys?" (they talk about it almost as much as I do and pester me constantly about why their new baby brother(s) haven't come yet.)

"It's a sign."

~~~~~~~~~~~~

And then you have those dark moments, or days, or weeks, when you doubt yourself and your beliefs/wants/desires and start to think, "Well........"

Then the internal debate and emotional toll start weighing heavily on my heart and soul.......and I really want to walk away.

But deep down I know I can't. I've always wanted a big family of my own. I know this. But it's just so hard, and it's just ripping little pieces of my heart every time. And I'm quite aware of how competitive it is for the little ones in special needs. It's just so hard. And there just doesn't seem to be any light at the end of the tunnel. I've been looking for almost 2 years.

I guess I'm just really frustrated, and tired of being frustrated. (I'm sure my kids are, too. )

(sigh)

I really thought (in my odd little mind) that the reason I kept getting passed over for all these little boys was because I was meant to have this little girl. And I've never been interested in the little girls I've seen. But this one was special.
And now that chance has passed, and I'm not being considered for any others...........I'm beginning to wonder if it is a sign.
I'm just driving myself crazy here.

I know, it's not a major special needs issue, it's just making me nuts right now.

Thanks for listening.

Sandy

[MMC66]

People can be so clueless in the name of attempting to comfort. I guess give em a little credit for trying to make you feel better but they really have no clue do they.

We have 5 - just adopted our 5th last year, coulen't be happier about it but people just coule NOT understand why we would want another. Big families are awesome and if you want one - you will have one - p[robably not on the schedule you had hoped for but what ever is??

Hang in there - I see a little girl in your future

Martha

[Dianna]

It is so hard to be there. Can't stand to walk away, can't stand to keep trying and no other choice. This is when you really develop spiritual strength. I know you don't want to hear this. It is true. Time goes on and things change, always. Someday, someone else will be in this space also. You will have what it takes to comfort them. You are gaining it right now. Everyone tries to avoid suffering, and often suffering is the way to gain patience, fortitude, and compassion. There is really no other way. There are no shortcuts. I can't ease your pain except to let you know that you are not alone, many of us have been where you are now. Prayers your way.

[Indy]

We are in this together. This board was set up (I think) to provide information about special needs adoption. It was also set up to help, support, and be there when the it gets tough. We are here for you and sorry that things are not working out. I know how you feel...I've been where you at. I know others have been as well.

Know that you important and what you are doing is right.

Now get back on that horse and ride! We believe in you!

[Barksum]

I'm right there with you, Sandy. While it looks like we will be going to committee for the 2nd one we've been chosen for in...um...9 months, (is that a sign?) I'm not even enthusiastic. The little person's cw asked me, "WHY are you wanting to adopt again?! You already have two special needs children, won't you be overwhelmed??" I told the cw that I didn't know how to quantify "why" we wanted to adopt. We have room? We love our children? Um, I don't know anymore. Maybe this is a sign that we shouldn't adopt. Maybe we should just be content with what we have. Why should we ask for more??

The process is designed to disembowel the potential adoptive parents and I'm pretty much disenchanted with not being even considered, let alone making it to the final cut for actual consideration as the adoptive family. Maybe not totally disembowelled, but definitely in line to be.

I've begun to realize that we want to adopt again because our world view is different than the norm. We seem to have a different measure for what we want out of life. Maybe we have a "heart" for children in the foster system waiting adoptive families.

I'm not saying we're going to adopt 20 kids (those families make me t-i-r-e-d just hearing about them) and I don't even think we'll be competing with Indy's 17. Oops, typo there; I meant 7. (snicker) But we are going to keep at it awhile longer. I don't know how much longer, but awhile. Maybe one more homestudy length. I'm not getting younger and I don't want another baby in my 40's. (Kudos to those of you who do, I'm all for it. Many of my close friends have. I just don't want to.) Now watch, we'll end up adopting 7 more kids, all after I'm in my mid-40's. LOL

But I'm tired. The emotional wear and tear is wearing and tearing. I no longer invest my emotions in a "maybe child", because it hurts too much when it doesn't turn out to BE my child. I only glance, if that, at the pictures. I don't fantasize about what we would do if we were chosen for this or that child. I just don't do much with our adoption process anymore. We send out homestudies by the gagillion and I just don't think about them after we send them out.

We've thought over EVERY one of the items you listed, too. Thanks for letting us know that we are not alone. It helps. (Misery loves company?) We've had several people direly warn us that we will be "harming" the children we have by adopting again. It's been "bad enough that we exposed them to having foster kids in the home", but to adopt another "lifelong problem" is kind of going over the top. Sigh. I don't think there is a response that will convince them, so I just tell them that we've discussed it and reached a decision, while smiling pleasantly but with that "you've said your piece, now drop it" look on my face. (Hey, I can be tough. When pushed! LOL)

So, post on Sandy! I find it encouraging.

[rindava]

usually say, no never again.... I'll be 40 when they are all adult, I always want 5 (I don't know why but 5 is the number I've always wanted to adopt) and I wish I had 5 that could of grown up together....

I realize that M will need a lot of support as an adult and I am kind of interested in maybe going into that when he gets that age....

I see people who foster, some good some we'll I'll just keep it to myself....and I do envy them at some level.

I had that really bad foster to adopt experience with that psycho SW......

But then the possibilities of another RAD kid and SWs in the house, really puts me off....

But good luck to all of you who keep trying.

[MsPoppy]

Is it really that hard to adopt a special needs child??? Im just curious hubby and I finish up our Mapp classes tomarrow, our fingerprint clearance just came bak, so begins the process, we are wanting to adopt, I imagine being an older child means "special needs" but I see alot where people go to committee on these kids hoping to adopt them, I thought these kids were the hard to place kids??? Hmmmmmmm Just wondering, we are going through an agency that contracts with the state, they do place older kids 6 and up I believe, but last week I was looking in the photolisting book they have there and I did see newborns , at least 2 healthy ones at that!!!! The listing was a few moths old so Im sure those babies have been placed, they were legal risk babies, we are looking for older kids a sib group of 2 girls at least 5 to 14 thats what we decided on, hubby is scared of babies! LOL !! Anyways I was just wondering.....................Thanks for any imput



Jeannette

[gclvaruba]

Originally Posted by MsPoppy

I imagine being an older child means "special needs" but I see alot where people go to committee on these kids hoping to adopt them, I thought these kids were the hard to place kids??? Jeannette

Just my two cents worth here...each state has a different set of defintions for special needs. They are hard to place. Although they are usually older, they also most of the time, have at least one other thing "against" them. Our dd started out as "just" an older child. After she was placed with us she was diagnosed with high functioning autism (Asperger's Syndrome).

Like you, many of us do not want to change diapers or worry about day care, but some also have a "calling" to help out those who are less fortunate than even the unfortunate children who are removed from the home of a bparent.

As to folks going to committee you are hearing a lot more from those of us who are (or were) frustrated, exasperated, exhausted, insert your own term for grief HERE. I think the people who are successful in committee are those who are posting on the forums because they have worries over TPR or issues or emotions of their child.

[gclvaruba]

Sandy there are many, many other children out there waiting just for you! Patience is a virtue as hard as it is.

The Starfish Thrower by Loren Eisley

Once upon a time there was a wise man who used to go to the ocean to do his writing.
He had a habit of walking on the beach before he began his work.

One day he was walking along the shore.
As he looked down the beach, he saw a human figure moving like a dancer.

He smiled to himself to think of someone who would dance to the day.
So he began to walk faster to catch up.

As he got closer,
he saw that it was a young man and the young man wasn't dancing,
but instead he was reaching down to the shore,
picking up something and very gently throwing it into the ocean.

As he got closer he called out, "Good morning! What are you doing?"

The young man paused, looked up and replied, "Throwing starfish in the ocean."

"I guess I should have asked, why are you throwing starfish in the ocean?"

"The sun is up and the tide is going out. And if I don't throw them in they'll die."

"But, young man, don't you realize that there are miles and miles of beach and starfish all along it.
You can't possibly make a difference!"

The young man listened politely.
Then bent down, picked up another starfish and threw it into the sea,
past the breaking waves and said-
"It made a difference for that one."

There is something very special in each and every one of us.
We have all been gifted with the ability to make a difference.
And if we can become aware of that gift,
we gain through the strength of our visions the power to shape the future.

We must each find our starfish.
And if we throw our stars wisely and well,
the world will be blessed.

[tlc4kidz]

Sandy........Do you have a current copy of your home study? I just ask because I have sat in on a number of staffings as a foster/adoptive parent volunteer to help choose and sometimes I think people are automatically thrown out because of a poor home study. You need not only a good home study, but also a sw who will either be there or be available by speaker phone to "go to bat" for you.....answer any questions the committe has. Might be time to either get a new worker or a new study written.

I do want to offer ((((hugs)))) and support. It's one of those times when there's just nothing to say but....sorry. I have no idea what you are going through, but thankfully there are others here that do.

[MsPoppy]

Lisa

Thanks for the explaination, I am all new to this, but Im learning!!!!! I read read read as much as I can , I find so much valuable info on these boards, thanks to you all and I appriciate all of it, and by the way, if thats your lil girl in your avatar she is beautiful! I am not new to parenting, as I do have 3 grown bio's thier ages are 24, 21, and soon to be 19, the oldest two have children of thier own....but I do realize that children from foster care are a whole different story , due too thier special needs


Jeannette

[missw005]

Is it really that hard to adopt a special needs child??? I thought these kids were the hard to place kids??? Hmmmmmmm Just wondering, we are going through an agency that contracts with the state, they do place older kids 6 and up I believe, but last week I was looking in the photolisting book they have there and I did see newborns , at least 2 healthy ones at that!!!!

Jeanette,
It REALLY depends on what state you're from. Minnesota is a huge state geographically but a small state population-wise. I also live in a rural part of the state. We actually have an excess of foster parents/homes and a lack of kids.
Also, some states prioritize child removal more than child reunification, and therefore have more kids available for foster care/adoption.

You need not only a good home study, but also a sw who will either be there or be available by speaker phone to "go to bat" for you.....answer any questions the committe has. Might be time to either get a new worker or a new study written.

TLC,
I wish!!!! I totally agree with you, however, I've already paid almost half of my agency's fees - and they're the only game in town. (fees are unrefundable, of course....) As for my worker.....I'm not sure what she'd do at this point. She and I have had some difficulties due to her lack of........interest? enthusiasm? action? response? work in general? of my case.

Sandy there are many, many other children out there waiting just for you! Patience is a virtue as hard as it is.
The Starfish Thrower by Loren Eisley

Gclvaruba,
Thanks. Great poem!!! Unfortunately for me, my patience level gets sucked away by my students at school and my two boys at home, so I don't have as much available for child searching/waiting. It is hard.

But we are going to keep at it awhile longer. I don't know how much longer, but awhile. Maybe one more homestudy length. I'm not getting younger and I don't want another baby in my 40's. (Kudos to those of you who do, I'm all for it. Many of my close friends have. I just don't want to.) Now watch, we'll end up adopting 7 more kids, all after I'm in my mid-40's. LOL

Barki,
Glad to know we're in the same boat. I think about my age and baby age, too. But if I'm going to get a baby, I want to do it now, at 35............I agree that I don't want to be changing diapers in my 40s either. ($20 says I probably will, though ) And I still want 5 kids. At least. (I know, I know, will have to look into overpriced housing with multiple bedrooms.......) I'd just really prefer to do it now, before I get too old, tired and cranky to be a fun and funky parent.


I actually spoke to my foster care worker (not the same as my adoption worker) yesterday. No kids, no kids, not even the possibility of some. Nothing from the county adoption worker either. Relative placements only. Too bad my family can all fit at my dining room table!

Big families are awesome and if you want one - you will have one - p[robably not on the schedule you had hoped for but what ever is??

Yeah..........And Ed McMahon is several years late with my sweepstakes check, you know.
Seriously, though, I can always hear my close friend (and former college roommate) Janell in my mind saying, "If it's meant to be, it will be." "It will happen when God thinks you're ready."
Not always reassuring (and at times quite annoying) but still there, just the same.


Thanks for your support, everybody!!!

Sandy

[Lorraine123]

Sandy -

Have you looked out of your state? Since your state is sparse, there are many children nationwide looking for homes. My daughter was not from my home state.

Lorraine

[ALI143]

I thought I wrote this post it sounded that familiar. Two boys, adopting in Oregon (live there too), on my 5th committee. This is the last I can subject my boys too, it's been 2 years! Besides I unfairly want this little girl so much. I didn't have a gender preference, but did get picked for more boy committees than girls so I thought we'd be getting a 3rd/4th boy.

I'm with you the things people say can make it worse and it's so hard finding out you're not even going to be considered at committee for a child you know would work out great. What helped me was to tell myself, "I'm giving up, I'm done," But I wasn't really. I just allowed myself to not think about. Everytime I got really good about keeping my Out-There-Somewhere third child outta my mind I'd get a call about a committee. We are so anxiously waiting this next committee and I thought I'd be a maniac all month waiting, just then my worker called and asked if 3 girls-6yrs, 2 yrs, 1yr; can stay here for a couple weeks till a home or relative can be found and cleared. I have 5 kids right now so I know I won't have to find ways to distract myself from waiting, wondering, hoping, praying, talking about, ect . Just don't feel like you have to give up in order to get some peace. Two years is a long time and 6 committees is a LOT and DHS WILL notice that. They don't want you to give up and go away so share your feelings with them.

[Barksum]

Had to laugh several times over this on-going thread. It is ALL so familiar, you know?

MsPoppy: It isn't just that the children are "hard to place", but the system itself makes it difficult to place children. Sometimes everything comes together smoothly and quickly and a child is placed with an adoptive family in a relatively short amount of time. Sometimes it takes years. Sometimes workers quit trying to find families, sometimes families quit trying to find children. It isn't as simple as having an open heart and a desire to adopt a child. Sadly.

grlvaruba: I've had people quote that poem to me to encourage me NOT TO ADOPT AGAIN. You see, I have already "saved" a couple of "star fish" so I've helped out and I can be content now. LOL Ok, not that it stopped me from continuing to pursure this next adoption, but I thought you'd get a kick out of that twist.

Sandy, if Ed's late with your check, what about MINE? We've been watching and watching...I don't leave the front window very often, so I can't figure out how we missed him!

Ali: I've quit telling my kids when we go to committee. I mention theoretical children; "Hey, how about a little brother who is this big and would share your room?" kind of thing. I don't tell them the day we go to committee or anything. That's for Dad and I to groan through, and it's bad enough for me to be on tenterhooks without the kids asking me all day if the cw has called yet! The kids all know that we want to adopt again, and we talk about it in general terms, but that's it. Dh and I talk about specific kids and specific issues on our own. We've been chosen for 4 committees in 2 years. We ended up withdrawing from two last year when my mom died, weren't chosen at one this summer and now are in line for another committee in the next month. Maybe we'll be chosen. Hope so, but am not putting any eggs in THAT basket.