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Originally Posted By Graham

When I said don't trash them all I didn't want you to be a stranger - friend. What's happening?
Regards,
Graham.

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Originally Posted By Keagan

I understand YRAND’s reluctance to talk. If someone were to have said to me, “If you can’t say anything good about the New Mexico Children Youth and Families don’t say anything”, I would have been banished to a life of silence.

Graham, I recall when New Mexico forwarded my homestudy to Oregon without my permission, your take was, “…so what. Did it interfere with your adoption?” The greater issue for me was half of what was said just wasn’t true!!! I had to fight to read it, even after I showed them the errors and they claimed they would correct them, they didn’t. That piece of fiction was sent without my consent!!! It had my parent’s dead when I was six years old, my sister routinely being kicked of school busses for being opinioned, I had no toilet, my acreage had diminished to one acre, my parent’s were impoverished and illiterate (they didn’t like that, despite their alleged demised), I was an angry Black man who had experienced bigotry all my life (I am such a mix of oddball ethnicity I didn’t have time to concentrate on racism, I was too busy doing to pot thing, “finding my head” in the 60’s and 70’s, and grooving on the music scene, plus I attended Kent State, how’s that for radical!!!) My home study was written after I had rattled a lot of cages and exposed some caseworkers, supervisors, and administrators who weren’t doing their job.

So when I’m told “so what” or I hear YRAND talk of conspiracies (although I wouldn’t take it to the extent as to suggest that the state if is against adoption to Black families and YRAND has suggested), and the guy out of Washington state ordeal. Right, I get hacked when someone suggest that it doesn’t happen, or I’m being petty when I looking for legal recourse when I’ve been violated, regardless to the outcome. I wonder what your response would have been had I been denied my adoption based on the discrepancies of the two homestudy accounts. It’s human nature to instantly suspect the state or agency to be without guile, and anything an individual does being accused is perceived as being a cover-up. The notion of, “If they didn’t do anything why did they get arrested?” or “If you don’t have anything to hide what do you have to worry about?” takes over in the minds of the unsuspecting, or suspecting. Well, I didn’t have anything to hide, but I did worry, no-my parents aren’t dead, my sister NEVER rode a school bus, and I do have a toilet and indoor pluming and a color TV (even if I never watch it), albeit it trivial I have a little more than an acre, and I wasn’t raised in a ghetto my father didn’t call me “Patches” nor did we live in public housing and dodge bullets and pimps or have crosses burned in our front yard nor was I member of the Black Panthers. But the anxiety of my being put in the position of having to dispute or defend these comments or someone reading their account before I had an opportunity to correct it was infuriating.

What am I saying? I understand YRAND’s frustration and anger with Colorado. And as already stated I don’t necessarily agree with all her theories and rhetoric, it’s frustrating as hell when you’ve been bamboozled and your fighting a rouged agency. The only language they understand is “lawsuit” and “public exposure”, and that can cost money and a lot of time. I went to the legal forum from this website for direction when I wanted a legal recourse, but got no response. What’s a person to do????

I’m not necessarily attacking you Graham, but I am saying that the adoption process out there CAN BE nasty, and sometimes there are conspiracies and racisim is real - My homestudy was conjourings from "Good Times", "That's My Mama" and the "Jeffersons". You’re connected, know the ropes in and out. No agency in their right minds would go there with you, and if they did you would know the recourse. We don’t. We right letters and make calls and don’t get response or are patronized when we do get a response with still no resolution, which even more maddening.

So when some of us “go off”, we appreciate your balancing us, but also realize what we want more than anything is an ear and an expert solution.

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Originally Posted By po

I liked your response. It is good for people to know what is going on with some agencies and how disruptable they can be. Even after paying a doctor to write a report that I was mentally ill, ( and he admitted in court that he had nothing to back it up with and that there was nothing wrong with me), nothing was done to the agency. There is no one to make them accountable for their actions. The case worker was not reprimanded for lying, and she admitted to lying in court.

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Originally Posted By Mike

I can't believe how some of these workers blatantly lie in homestudies. Appalling!

Well, Kegan, if they see you as "The Jeffersons" or "Good Times", they'll probably look at me as "The Addams Family"

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Originally Posted By yrand

OK kids here's the update.My recent silence was due to my
family upbringing.They always said "never let your left hand
know what your right hand's doing",those cliche's never meant anything to you 'til you grow up and have to face the real world!On the one hand I was seeking a hearing about the wrong that was done me in this situation including a written statement and retraction on the child abuse allegations.I am
happy to say I will be getting both.I talked to the Asst.
District Attorney and after he reviewed the case he called me to tell me they'll be paying me for the time I lost off work waiting for a placement that never happened and sending me the letter.If I hadn't squeeked (excuse my ebonics)I know I wouldn't be getting NOTHING!!I talked to my recruiter friend and she said she's working with another family right now who's been blackballed by one county and once you've been marked by one none of the others will TOUCH you either and I wasn't about to go out like that!I understand where Graham's
coming from too though even though my SW is in my corner she still doesn't totally "diss" the other worker I think it's a part of their code of ethics even though she obviously wasn't following it.I'm still going forward with my case through the
Feds for further sanctions in the meantime.

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Hi Yrand. It's me, I drop in every now and then. I'm so glad you spoke up. I went back and read Graham's post and I didn't think he said anything so terrible. I think he fully supports everyone who has been shafted and I'm glad you could see that. But I am especially glad that someone is helping you fight the good fight. It is hard sometimes not to get so emotional, but in the end it doesn't really solve anything. You have taken the necessary steps and those are the steps that have been and will be productive. I hope you get your girls, but if not, I pray you get some wonderful babies to love. There are so many who need a good mama. No child for me yet but I'm keeping the faith. It has been a year now since I completed classes and several months ago I thought I was working towards visits. But nothing yet.

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Originally Posted By yrand

Thanks I'm still praying that after they've given the birthmom
all the chances in the world to get right they'll finally
let the children be placed in a permanent stable home and I'll still be here with a CLEAN record and no false abuse clouds hanging over my head.At least she won't be able to come back later after TPR and say she wasn't given EVERY chance to get her act together.

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Originally Posted By barki

I think I understand your passion on this issue. ) Even tho I'm white (REALLY white -- I don't even tan!) I've been the "wrong" color a few times (we travelled alot when I was a child and racism/ethnicism is a nasty beast that is constantly hungry)and I also know, almost first hand, that The System doesn't always have the "best interests of the child" at heart but rather bureauracy and run-arounds due to power tripping, etc. Providentially we have not run into too much of that side of the system so far. So, for me you've been preaching to the choir, but even the choir needs encouragement!!!! )

Ok, now here comes the exposure of my naivte': Why would your Dad call you Patches? I got the other references, but what's the deal with Patches? Please sign me,
A Very Confused Caucasian. LOL!!!

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Originally Posted By Keagan

It was a joke, work with me... It wasn't a Black thang, the reference to the Jefferson’s, only to say my homestudy was a concoction of media stereotypes.

They didn't know where to put me, Brazilian/Black, German/Jew Hispanic or Black or Black/Hispanic, Other. My son is Black/Native Alaskan, What a mess! The statement I want to make is there is a price when you step on toes or declare that the emperor has no clothes. It’s not about race, it's primarily about people who are bold enough to stand up against the system.

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   I just received a copy of my homestudy today, I asked for one to send out in case we are not selected for the sibling group we applied for. My homestudy was originally done strictly for fostering because 10 years ago I thought I could actually help children by being a foster parent. I found that fostering was very heartbreaking because at times when you saw the many things that can go wrong with a any government agency, you sometimes wonder if the kids wouldn't of been better off just left where they were. We made the decision that a lifetime committment could actually make a difference.

   Anyways, back to the homestudy. I actually broke down laughing as I read over my homestudy. It is a very positive homestudy, so I am sure none of it was done on purpose. But it is rampant with errors. I am reduced to two siblings instead of the 14 half-brothers and sisters I actually have. There are details that should have been in another couple's homestudy that just happened to be in Mapp class with us at the time, but instead ended up in ours. None of the details are of any importance, or would effect a workers decision to place or not to place with us. I think all homestudies probably contain errors, and that not all are done with intent.

   

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It is so hard when we know how abused children have been and still have to sit back and watch the biological parents get chance after chance after chance. It makes you want to scream or cry or both!! You will be in my prayers.

I am not only hoping to adopt but I am also a foster parent and I know how much it rips your heart out to have a child with you for months or years on end and then have the parent get them back. In other countries you get one strike and you are out! Here, you can do about anything to your babies and then if you get some counseling and tell the judge you're sorry you can have them back.

So, you can have sex with your 2 year old, say you are sorry and it is all better. Somebody sure needs to explain that one to me.

In the mean time, keep up your fight!! Sounds like you are on track now. Keep your emotions in check so they don't ever think you are hysterical - the more in control you are, the more power you have. Scream and cry at home (cuz if you don't you'll probably explode!)

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I am taking a class called Critical Thinking and it is helping me keep my emotions in check while I'm formulating my
case.I've downloaded tons of info from the site I posted and
it breaks down the Federal guidelines for termination of
parental rights and the whole gamit so far as the States responsibilities in placing these children.Seems like most
laws you don't need more of them you just need to follow the ones that are already there!

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Originally Posted By yrand

In my case my homestudy was too squeeky clean and wholesome!The SW who disrupted my placement accused me of having a friend write it! Because the black woman who did it was a retired SW contracted by the county we NATURALLY all know each other.Trust me we didn't and if I didn't pass the muster
she'd be the first one to say it.My girls worker is a SWF (single white female)and she just couldn't relate to a 49 year old black woman in a 5 year committed relationship with a much younger man (12 years) who both work,and don't do drugs.It's unfortunate when a SW brings their own personal bias and prejudice to this process.

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Originally Posted By Keagan

I’m forever thunderstruck as to how there is a population of people who feel compelled to circumvent or discount any statement, situation, event that conflict with their world. I’m referring to my statement that there “CAN BE nasty, and sometimes there are conspiracies and racism…” I capitalized it to protect from inferring the all-inclusive “all”. Wake of sleepy heads, THERE IS RACISM, THERE ARE SOCIAL WORKER WITH VENDETTAS, THERE WAS A HOLOCAUST, SLAVERY IN AMERICA, PEOPLE WHO ACTUALLY LIKE “THREE IS COMPANY”… which infers that ALL caseworkers are not racist, nor do ALL caseworkers, operate with vendettas, nor were all Germans Nazis, or ALL whites slaver owners, people who have elevated form “Three is Company”. But it CAN BE… My experience with Oregon was great, the caseworkers, wonderful, which I have commented to that effect, it bureaucratic and continues to be. If one were to have another experience, I would respect it, and would not attempt to override or minimize them their experience.

Amid my points I wanted to make, which has already been expressed. Caseworkers who commit deeds as these are rarely fired, but frequently promoted. You can imagine how long I would last in the state adoption world.

The most classic example I have when engaged in a conversation when the topic of bigotry surfaces, invariably there will be someone who will say, “I’m not prejudice, I was raised to respect everybody” (or a variation thereof), then in the next breath they’ll say something like, “However, I have an uncle…. Then it’s a friend, and before you know it, there parents”. Why do they believe that they have to preface their observation like that puzzles me? I frankly don’t care about their parent’s or their racial, ethnic, televisions show, or church preference, so what if you were exposed to bigotry that doesn’t make you bigot, you may have elevated yourself beyond that. When I was younger my parents bought a new Chrysler every two years, I’ve never owned an American car nor will I ever, can I help it if my parent’s aren’t as enlightened as myself… IT’S A JOKE…. (sort of)

YRANDS situation is unequivocally crazy. She was criticized for
- Having a homestudy that was too squeaky clean.
- A house that was too clean
- Buying love from the kids
- And more…

I do not know YRAND, but on the surface using common sense and plain sensibility would suggest that something is wrong… My question was from the beginning if they had so many misgivings why did they approve her? And to the forum I recommend that you don’t put your head in the sand. There ARE bad people, and NO – that does not suggest that ALL people are bad. Don’t discount, minimize or lessen a person’s experience because you’re uncomfortable with it, because you’re frighten in excepting that will somehow jinks you and your pursuit. I have a eye opener for you, if you are anticipating adopting an older child, please know that they have “SPECIAL NEEDS”. If you don’t want to hear horrible war stories of individual’s who have or are adopting an older child, then jump off the train while it’s moving, it’s not too late. I talked to my son’s teacher today. She had nothing but praise about him. That would not have been the case months and a half ago. I learned then that my “little Johnny” was being a jerk., and Dad pulled back the reins and all the stops to put an end to that. I have friends who said I’m “abusive”, too hard on him. Michael just told me yesterday for the first time that he loves me. I happen to know that this is the first time he’s ever told anybody that without provocations. When referring to privileges he’s lost, he said, “I know that you’ve done what you have to do, so I’ll be a good person when I’m older”. Has it been fun? HELL NO!!!! In fact, the times I thought, “was this a mistake?” The problem is he’s ONLY 11 years old. I can’t freeze dry him through adolescences.

This forum has to be a reality centered arena. To help those of us who are awaiting adopting, have already adopted or considering adopting older children. It’s not for make-believe. To those who haven’t adopted the preliminary homestudy, etc. is the scariest part. Caseworkers can wheelie a foreboding aura, then there’s the selection committee. It’s has to be akin to the Miss. America pageants, you ask “Will I be the one.”. After your first (that’s where I am), and I imagine any subsequent adoptions you realize that you actually have more power than you thought. And that it is in fact you, that the social workers and caseworkers should be trying to impress, and if it’s not meant to be, and you trust God, it won’t. Meanwhile, stuff happens, bad caseworkers, accusations, decision reversals, kids with hidden issues sometimes intentional hidden to move the child. And it’s here in this forum where we will be exposed to anomalies. Meanwhile, we can continue to fantatisize our “perfect” child and idealize our new families.

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So I have been reading all that has been written about what has happened to YRAND and I have had some thoughts. Let me begin with, I am white...or red depending on whether or not I have spent too much time in the sun. Therefore, I have no idea what it is like to experience racism in this country. I have felt it elsewhere, in Japan, and it stinks.
I also live in CO. I feel that so far we have been completely blessed in our adoption process - our daughter came to us at 9 days and I was there the day she was born. The TPR was in July and hopefully the finalization will occur before she is 2. But the process has been delayed somewhat, not due to DSS or a social worker, but to a neighbor, who was one of our better friends, who wrote a bad reference that hedged on absurdity if not a complete fabrication. Needless to say, we are no longer friends with them. And much of the reason for their writing a bad reference was because, as this reference was written before our placement, they feared we might have a black child placed with us (our daughter is hispanic/italian. My husband is irish/italian). Were we angry? You bet!! Fortunately social services was able to see that the letter was untrue (ie. our kids have poor nutrition because we eat tofu...our neighbor is a hunter) and thus our daughter has remained with us and is thriving.
And then there is the case of Linda - she is constantly battling with social services to get the subsidy her kids deserve.
My point is, I think that bad things happen everywhere, for whatever inexplicable reason. The key, I think, is to let go of the anger. Hanging onto it tends to alienate others. It is not to say that I don't think one shouldn't take action to clear one's name...we certainly made sure that social services knew that the claims about us were untrue. But I have come to feel sorry for my neighbor because he is full of anger and hate which has caused him to be alienated from others. I suppose I am big on forgiveness because anger can eat you alive and life is really too short!!