[bostonbeagle]

Well the newest update on my foster adopt placement, the child was removed from my house due to a allegation of abuse! The child was to be removed permanently or put into respite care! We chose respite care! The allegation of abuse was against me, not hubby! After all I have went through these 90 days, and trying this wonderful so called Family Based Therapy, and finally calling the state about trying to get services for this child, I get slapped in the face with this! Yes I am mad, I was misinformed about lack of information, especially with the Rtf, people on the board did tell me to really check this placement out, attachment therapy and so forth! I suppose to have a investigation over this and so forth! Well this child has a history of this, Ireally fell sorry for her, because she is losing a chance at a great life! Im just overwhelmed with all of this/1 Would love to hear any advice!
Regards,
Boston

[Lorraine123]

Boston Beagle -

I'm so sorry to hear this. Since the child has a history of this, they should find the claim unfounded. False allegation claims are common among children with RAD. Be sure that whoever does your investigation is familiar with RAD.

It hurts when all you want to do is help and all they do is destroy it. She has used her ultimate weapon against you. She is a very hurt little girl. Sounds like you were heading in the right direction getting Attachment Therapy. That is the only hope for her to heal.

I have no advice, but know that you will be in my thoughts.

Lorraine

[lucyjoy]

I'm sorry your dealing with this but not suprised. Children with RAD make false accussations all the time. It's one of the scary parts of parenting these disturbed children. It's so hard to prove you didn't do what they claim. Proving the pattern of behavior does help.

Love won't fix this. If there is any hope for her to heal, it will take years of specialized parenting and attachment therapy to repair the damage that's been done. The allegations make things harder as it lets her know she has power-especially if she gets removed for it.

I doubt you'll like my advice, but I would not adopt this child. She is not ready at this time to live in a family. She can cause permanat damage that will prevent you from ever adopting. She may never heal.

Sorry the RTF didn't give you all the information. In their defense, children with RAD often do very well inside these facilities. They can keep love from touching them there and the staff is paid to be nice to them no matter what they do.

[dadfor2]

oh boston,

im so sorry to hear this...especially since she has a history of doing this.

i have no words, i know how hard you worked to try to get her the help she needed and how you struggled with trying to parent her.

i hope you realize you did everything possible to help her...

it also makes me angry when places that are suppose to be aware of these kids with these issues....just dont get what its like...

we too had many battles with people who should 'get it' but just didnt...

i think your title hit the nail on the head...your daughter couldnt handle you loving you her...how very sad for your family and for her...

but never forget, that what you did for her, she wont forget either.....i do beleive we do make some impact on some of these children, regardless if they stay with us, or leave. we just have to.

[bostonbeagle]

Thanks everyone for replying to my message! No Lucy Joy Im not mad at you in the least bit! Beleive or not I still care about this child, and won't give up! But Im suppose to have no contact with child and wait in the mail for my allegations! I have been making a time study of all the events goings the last 90 days, made calls to crisis, started restraining her when she would start hurting herself(agencies did know about that), and tried with my County MHMr to get services for her! It's different when they are in foster care as compared to being adopted! My family therapy says no law against smacking butts! Well it basically come down to her throwing 2 boxes of canning jars at me, and I ducked and jars was shattered, child started hitting herself in the face, and picked a piece of glass up and tried to slice her hand! So i restrained and lightly tapped her bottom to snap out of it! Then she goes to camp and makes allegations I slapped her across the face! My hub was there, nothng liked that happened! My mom in law has been here when she went into her rages!
So now have to wait for investigator! I don't know if she will be back or not! I know attachemnt therapy, but with a foster child, county doesn't beleive in holding therapy and all that! No Lucy, I don't ever plan to adopt her, I really honestly give myself a pat on the back for trying as long as I did! It is in the state's hands now!
Good Nite,
Beagle

[lucyjoy]

Loving a child and being able to live with them are not the same thing. It's hard for people who don't live with children with RAD to comprehend the severity and level of violence that can occur during a rage. I had to remove one of my kids this past weekend as he just isn't safe enough to be here anymore. Doesn't stop me from loving him or wanting him to find away to be successful in life.
Loving someone who cannot handle being loved is heartbreaking. I hope things get cleared up for you quickly.

[dadfor2]

beagle,

you can always contact her GAL. Not sure how much you want to persue it, but its just an idea i had.

i hear you about foster...though he was my son, i felt this, he wasnt legally ours so services had to be approved by people who denied there was really anything wrong.

boy, that seems like such a long time ago for us, and it wasnt that long ago...but we finally found people who 'get it', and it is amazing to me how different things feel, just knowing we werent alone.

hang in their....those rages sure do stink...have been through many myself.

[aMarylandfamily]

Couldn't think of a title to put on this but wanted to let you know that we too have been here and done this ... even went through a spell with our first placement years ago where we put coffee on for the investigator ... and as the other posters have reported this behavior/allegation is normal for kids in the system ... an easy way to get attention and allow them to escape from reality of expectations and requirements. And while nerve-wracking and fear wrenching, please keep the respect the cps process deserves ... for every report investigated there are many children who go on abused without any help because they cover out of terror which tears me apart (personal pet peeve!).

I am a big promotor of logs (daily if possible ... with computers it is easier to jot a quick note down) when you go through this "journey" ... it is surprising how much effect a phone call or request for assistance verifies what you have been experiencing. If a child is in therapy this "log" should be printed or copied and provided the therapist at each visit so he/she too can direct you as well as identify "patterns" that you may be too close to see.

Hang in there and keep posting - it will help and as said many who have been here, done this can help with questions as they arise ...

[rindava]

fight it hard if they try to "find" the case ot whatever they call it in your state when they say you did abuse the child.....they must be taking it seriouly if they moved her

if you have any copies of reports like psychologicals, and all don't just hand them over without making a copy for yourself......I could go on and on....bottom line get a good lawyer who knows about these things if the make the case founded....no one needs a child abuse record and the SWs need called on what they have not done in this situation that they should have....

[Queenmom]

Oh Boston, I'm so sorry for how things got twisted around but that is how our kids operate. My little gal is not as severe as yours is. I just don't understand why our foster care systems don't understand that for a overwhelming majority of our kids that they would have RAD in some fashion. When we ask for attachment therapy for them and the families you would think we were asking for the moon! I just pray the investigation would be resolved smoothly and my prayers are with you! Queenmom(Susan)