[Supersport]

Advice please.....

My husband and I are about to start our training classes the end of this month, during the training classes our state agency performs the homestudy. We have been saying on all of our applications that we would like a child between the ages of 4-8 or a same sex sibling group between those ages.

My question is what are definate pros and cons to adopting one child or a sibling group. My gut tells me I would like 2 children and my husband is happy with one or two. I fear that after adopting once I am going to want to do it again and I am not so sure how that will go. So.... I am leaning towards a sibling group of two.

We currently only have one bedroom, but we hope to build a new home that would provide two and we have the finances to support a new home and two children.

What are some of your experiences and what would you recommend? If it helps at all my husband is 31 and I am 27.

I value your opinions as I have been lurking for months now, so please feel free to give any and all comments on my situation.

Oh yes, the children we are looking to adopt are out of the foster care system, so I am expecting some level of special needs from these children.

Thanks in advance.

[JessTK]

I think you need to learn as much as you can about the types of special needs that you may find in your children. Attatchment problems are very common in older adopted children and learn as much as you can. I personally, with my first adoption and no experience or real knowledge about attatchment, could not have "handled" more than my one son. Besides attatchment the child can have other challenges, just don't put more on your plate that you can handle. After several years with us we don't have as severe problems, and I have really educated myself, and it is wonderful!!!!!! But thinking back to those early days I am not sure that being "new" into this (without educating myself as much as I should have) I could have handled more than one child. This is just my experience, and as I said, things are wonderful now, we've adopted a second child (special needs) and are thinking about number 3......

[lucyjoy]

I adopted my first child who had lots of problems. I wanted to be a mom so much, I was spending all my time with him and doing attachment parenting without really knowing it. After that I took three siblings. They were tough because they acted out previous abuse on each other. One advantage though was that one of the children was bonded to the other two which made him work harder to stay together and in turn made me work harder to find help for the other two. It was tough, but its been worth it.
I now have nine boys and their really wonderful kids. One of them was dangerous and spent 16 months in a residential center but returned home recently and is working hard on reclaiming his life. The rest of the boys were added one at a time and I think that was much easier as I could devote more individual time with them.

[Again!]

I adopted two siblings, because I had read that siblings, sharing the sibling bond, were less likely to have attachment problems. That was true in my case. I also knew I wanted two and thought it would be easier to go thru the process only once. That didn't work out as we've now decided we want more and are doing it all over! However, even as a single parent, the issues of two were not a problem for me, but I think I got two good ones! At least they acted out in a staggered fashion, so there was usually one behaving pretty well.

[DianeS]

Wow, supersport! I'm 27, my husband is 32, and we're in the initial stages of trying to adopt a sibling group of 3 from foster care. We're going to have to keep in touch!

We never really considered a single child adoption longer than it took us to learn about sibling groups. We've always wanted a medium-to-large family. A simplistic list of why we chose sibling groups over single kids would have to include things like:
*a truly bonded sibling group has proven their bonding ability--attachment issues are not as likely.
*children who go into foster care in the company of a sibling are usually less "freaked" by the whole thing, since they have at least one partner to cling to through the process.
*children who enter foster care as part of a sibling group are split from at least one sibling 85% of the time (that touched my heart on a personal level, and its one tiny piece of "the system" that I can do something about).
*and if we don't adopt a large group to start with, we'll be going through this again--and I'd rather not.
*being part of a sibling group that should be placed together is counted as a placement difficulty--meaning they "may" be special needs together but not if they were adopted individually.

While we're currently daydreaming about a group of 3, our house would allow a group of 5--and our agency offers special incentives to those who take in groups of 4 or more, so we are getting details of those incentives. We'd both be willing to stretch that far if the children were already legally free and we knew the overload of work wouldn't be undone by the children's return to bio family.

Some of the best advice I've heard came from a mother of twins--she says if you have a heart for multiples at all, you'd better hope to get them *first*, before you learn how little work a single child requires in comparison. Twins before a singleton make the singleton seem so easy---twins after a singleton make the twins seem impossible. I think that applies to an adoption, too. It will seem normal to us to adopt a group first, because we don't have a singleton to compare it to.

If I'm going to jump into this, I'm jumping in with both feet. Go telephone all your friends and start taking THEIR kids to events. I've borrowed so many kids--to the movies, the zoo, etc. We borrow in groups of 3 and I've loved it! Even one kid who's a holy terror--screaming at ushers in the movies, for example--is fast becoming my favorite. If you're supposed to adopt a group or if you're supposed to adopt difficult children, I think you know it in your heart.

Keep reading everything you can find--on any type of adoption--and see if you could handle the worst. Most kids aren't "the worst", but its better to be prepared and not need it than the other way around.

One more thing... on your applications you may want to be sure you're specificing a single or a sib group of TWO... between the ages of 4 and 8 you can fit a group of five, and I've seen it done!

Take care!

[louise]

we have eight children right now. Three by birth, four adopted and one just newly arrived (almost one week!)

Of the adoptions, one was a sibling duo, boy and girl when they were 9 and 11. They are now 13 and almost 15 and doing exceptionally well. We weathered some tough times in the beginning and now we seem to be reaping many benefits.

Given that you already do not have children, I would say a reserved "go for it"!!!

[Howdy]

I just joined the forum tonight and I'm so glad I found these posts. I am mailing back my 'autobiography' etc forms tomorrow and I've been waffling about the single/sibling group choice. I'm single and have no experience parenting so I thought I better put down just one, but I think a pair would be nice. I hadn't known about the bonding between siblings helping with attachment.
The same as another poster, I've put the age range as 4 to 8. I really liked a 9 yr old and a pre-teen I met at an adoption party (unfortunately from the 'wrong' county), so I don't know why I'm specifying 4 - 8. I signed up with the county foster-adopt option and for some unknown-to-me reason, the ages the orientation said they have are 0 to 6, so probably I'll only get a child(ren) in that age range no matter what I put down.
I have so many questions I don't know if I should post them separately. I guess I'll add them here.
How does a person decide what special needs they can handle? There is a huge checklist on the forms I filled out, and I checked a bunch as okay, but I really have no idea what would bother me and what wouldn't.
I kind of think a sexually abused girl would be relatively easy, except a book from the library said the adoptive parent should be comfortable talking about masturbation, and I have never talked about that to anyone and I don't think I could honestly say I'm comfortable talking about it! Do you guys think that is really necessary, would I become comfortable eventually?
Also, the library books have some scary stories, of kids killing the family pets and trying to poison their adoptive mom, actually killing the adoptive parents, trying to kill siblings, cutting the brake lines of the mom's car, etc. I for sure can't (and don't want) to handle that! Is there a way to recognize and avoid those kinds of kids right away (during the visitation period)?

And another question. I'm very attached to my cats, and in the foster classes the social worker said the kids are good at finding a person's "buttons" and pushing them. Does that mean the kids would see I like the cats and be motivated to harrass them?

Also (there is no end to my questions!), as a foster-to-adopt parent do I have the legal rights to allow the kids to ride my horses? It is a dangerous (but FUN) sport, and I don't know what would be the birthparent's and Child Services' reaction if the kid fell off and got hurt. Or bounced off the trampoline and got hurt, or fell out of the tree house, or flipped the go-cart over, etc. I don't want the kid (if I get one old enough to like active sports) to not be allowed to have good fun, but I don't want to get in trouble if they get hurt.
I'm afraid I'm going to be an overanxious parent and drive the kid crazy.
What if the kid is climbing too high in a tree and won't come down when I ask? I've read that control problems are common, and that the parent should only make control an issue when it involves the child's safety and when the parent can enforce what they say. I am way too fat and decrepit to climb up a tree after a kid.

Last question (for tonight) -- I'm a very shy person and awkward around kids I don't know. I don't know what to do once a kid is identified and we have visits to get to know each other. At the adoption party I went to I just hovered around and listened to the kids talk to other people (except for the pre-teen, I was comfortable chatting with her). What does a person talk about with a strange kid that might become their own child?

[lucyjoy]

Those are really good questions. I think everyone feels a little awkward talking to as kid the first time because both of you know this is a trial period to see if this is a good match. I was tryuing to remember my early conversations with my first son. I remember he was really wild and moved around so much that he did most of the talking. He also use to climb way to high in the tree. He always came down though, and I'd ground him from the tree for the rest of the day.

I was poisened by a child but this child was violent from the very first visit and the shelter his brothers were at(he'd been kicked out) told me their was "something really wrong with him" even though his social worker just thought he needed structure. I was naive at the time and thought I could fix him. I think in my gut I knew he was dangerous, but I didn't want to believe an 8 year old could be that far gone. His twin had almost no problems.

Most people don't like talking about sex wtih kids but its a necessary part of parenting. Don't act shocked and be direct(the bathroom and your own bedroom by yourself is the only place to do this or whatever.)

Pets are tricky. None of my kids ever hurt our dogs. My severe son thought dogs were smarter then people, so he left them alone. I don't think the majority of kids will mess with animals and cats are smart and will stay away from trouble.

All kids run the risk of injury. Put a net around the trampoline and make sure the safety rules are clear. Same with all the other, hoses, gocarts. Be clear about safety and gear and if they violate a safety rule, be strict with the conseqence(no riding for a time, re-training on rules before you can ride again etc.) no exceptions. As with any child, this allows the fun and minimizes the risk of injury.(there are some studies that show horseback riding can be theraputic to tramatized children)

good luck!! Sounds like a kid would love living with you!

[Mom_Of_Many]

I read that the disruption rate is higher with siblings. That is really my only comment other than one kid is hard...if it were me, I wouldn't do it. Good luck though

[makimom]

We are in the process of adopting a sibling group through foster care. They are 5,4,and 21 months. we recently had to ask for help with the 4 year old. She is in a treatment home and a partial hospital program where they have diagnosed her with many psych disorders. She has lived with us for two plus years, and as she has aged physically emotionally and cognitivesly she is stuck at 18-20 months. It has been one of the most trying experiences of our lives. They want us to take her back, but we are scared. All I can suggest is that you read a lot about attatchment disorder, PTSD, Bi-polar, and abused children before you step up. We have learned as we experienced things, and as foster parents were very unprepared for what to do when you fall in love with children that have all of these problems. Now we have to decide how to protect our entire family including her siblings without destroying her any further. It is a difficult experience and you need to be educated about what you are gtting yourself into.

[ZIPPY]

Hi,
My husband and I are in the process of adopting 2 siblings from Ukraine (it looks like we'll be going in June). The other day I was informed that siblings groups classify as "special needs" children, is this so? I guess I never thought of siblings being special needs. The answer to this question really has no bearing on us other than possibly being allowed a tax credit. If anyone has any information regarding this issue, we would be very pleased to be brought up to speed. We are from the state of Indiana.

[NurseZ]

Hi Everyone,
This is only my second day at the forum, and already I have learned sooo much.
My husband and I are starting the process ( Just got our info from SWAN yesterday ) to adopt. Our hearts went out to the many children out "there" after watching a tv show about adoption. We are 42, and 44. Our kids are grown and gone. We have truly been blessed in so many ways..big home, jobs, hearts full of love, etc., and it seemed a waste to have this house so empty, when we could fill it with children.
We have decided to " try " for a family of four, 2 girls 13, and 12, and 2 boys, 10, and 4. Our hearts went out to them the minute we saw their picture. Not many people can or will adopt multiples, but I look forward to the challenges, and giving them all the love they deserve. Please keep us in your prayers. Cheryl

[NurseZ]

Hi Everyone,
This is only my second day at the forum, and already I have learned sooo much.
My husband and I are starting the process ( Just got our info from SWAN yesterday ) to adopt. Our hearts went out to the many children out "there" after watching a tv show about adoption. We are 42, and 44. Our kids are grown and gone. We have truly been blessed in so many ways..big home, jobs, hearts full of love, etc., and it seemed a waste to have this house so empty, when we could fill it with children.
We have decided to " try " for a family of four, 2 girls 13, and 12, and 2 boys, 10, and 4. Our hearts went out to them the minute we saw their picture. Not many people can or will adopt multiples, but I look forward to the challenges, and giving them all the love they deserve. Please keep us in your prayers. Cheryl

[ZIPPY]

Cheryl,
Blessings to you and your husband for opening your hearts and your home to these four loving children. May your days and years be filled with wonderful experiences.

My best to you and yours!

[riley6]

My four are almost the same age as your's. Some days are horrible and absolutely crazy, but for the most part they are great. The secret is to develop a routine and keep the kids busy! Congratulations!