[Indy]

JO still doesn't have a job. He has not even tried. I take him to the YMCA every day, as I cannot trust him at home with the younger brothers. JO is to pack a lunch to take with him. Today, he decided to go to the school and see some of his friends. He called around noon, asking me to bring him something to eat. I asked him if he had packed his lunch. He said "no". I told him that I was not bringing him his lunch. Ok...I feel guilty. But yet I don't.

Last night, he said he really wanted to go to a concert with his girlfriend tomorrow night. He said he "just didn't have the money". I pretended that I was busy reading. I didn't want to talk to him about it, as it always turns into an argument. I told him that maybe he could find some lawns to mow in the neighborhood...

This is a hard path to follow...

[ajjhmf]

Hey Indy,

Sound's right on track to me. JO is an adult and needs to learn to act like one. My DH has been out of a job for nearly 2 months now and guess what, we can't go to concerts either. You're doing the right thing. It's hard, but it's beeter he learns to be responsible now rather than later.

And as far as the lunch thing, he made the choice not to make one, I guess he made the choice to be hungry.

Blessings,
Jenny

[dzach]

I don't think it is overboard at all. (but I'm mean ) No really last year my AS 13 at the time would not bring his homework home from school. He was given reminders daily but yet would still leave it his locker, I told him that if it happened again I would not be going to school to get it and he would have to walk back after getting off the bus get his work and then walk home. (only about 3 miles round trip) Now I know this kid can handle a three mile walk, and frankly I was sick of dealing with it. I made him walk back to school and get his things and then walk back about a half hour before he got back it started to pour down rain (I know at this point is where I'm supposed to feel guilty, I'll work on that later!) He was totally wet when he came in and said something to the effect of why didn't you come get me when it started to rain. I was reading the paper and said Oh is it raining? I bet you wish you would have brought your things home with you instead of having to go back for them. (ok maybe a little sarcastic, but sometimes that is all I have left after the day)
Oh and for the record I would not have brought him his lunch either.
denise

[Original Mike]

JO is 18 and should be expected to pay for his own recreational expenses.

One of the hardest things to do is to teach responsibility. When C started his construction job this summer, I told him that he should pack a lunch every day. He asked me if I would pack it and I said "NO, you're 16 and old enough to make your own lunch." Well, he decided that it was too mucht rouble to pack a lunch. After a few days, I guess being hungry got to him and he started packing his own lunch. I didn't want to see him hungry, either, but he had to learn that he has to do some things for himself.

[dadfor2]

indy,

i agree, not sure where you went overboard.

your decisions were right on....i cant think of anything else you could of done different.

[numbr1dbcksfan]

LOL.

My sister dropped out of school and lived with my mom for a while. She was supposed to pay rent... she got up in the morning, got dressed as though she was going to work and returned home in the afternoon as though she had been working. UNTIL it came time to pay rent... on that day she left and disappeared... because she never had a job.

She did this to my mother twice.

It is amusing because I knew she wasnt working because of a dead give away-- she wore flip flops every day.

Anyway.. my point..? My mom never checked up and taught her this behavior (apple doesnt fall far from....)and now....

she is sitting in jail.
According to the plea bargains I read (since I do not associate with them)-

Case one-- bargained to Attempting to steal anothers identity, and possesion of Marijuana. (felony and misdemenor)
Case two-- possession of marijuana(misdemenor)
Case Three-- possession of a forgery device. (felony)

Yes that is right.. arrested three different times... months apart... and all are bargains with other charges dropped.

It is crazy. This is what happens when parents dont do things like you do, Indy. You cannot survive in the real world by pretending to work... and playing with your friends all day. Or stealing!

I wonder if you have anything like "jobcorps" in your area. We have (had?) that here in phoenix... and they give you housing and training for a job and even get you hired.

[kay]

Indy,

No, not overboard at all. Somehow our kids need to learn how to take responsibility for their own lives, and that's so hard - sometimes it's hard for them to get it, and sometimes it's hard for us to stand by and watch the consequences. I'm considering the lunch thing for my son this year, and am undecided as to whether it's too soon. He's 14, and I'm thinking of telling him he's going to be responsible for his own lunches this year - either he can make them "for free" (I'll always have the fixin's available), or he can pay, out of his own money. Of course, then I'd have to raise his allowance so that buying could indeed be an option (I would guess he'd need about $25 a week, minimum.) Part of me says "he's too young", but then another part wonders if that's just because it's easier for me to just continue doing the work, than to give him the skills to do it himself . . .

[crick]

If you are overboard with him at the age of 18, then I guess I've sunk the ship with dd at the age of 7.

She had the task of finishing up the playroom clean up today after hitting her brothers during the group chore. I told her I would be making lunch in 45 min. so I hoped she would be done by then so she could have lunch. Of course she wasn't and hadn't even lifted a finger. I made lunch for the boys and went about my own chores. She came up just as they were finishing lunch and asked for hers. I asked if the playroom was done and she said "no". Tantrum followed for about 30 min. and I ignored it as with her wails of "I'm hungryyyyyy! "I want myyyy lunnnnnnnch!
Happy to say, after that the playroom got finished and she got her own lunch, which she made herself because I had already made lunch and wasn't making 2. No complaints about that, she was happy to eat and be done with her chore.

And....my 7 & 8 year old will be making their own lunches come Monday night for the new school year. Even at these young ages, they have an opinion and since last year they didn't like what I made them, they can make their own. Wonder how long it will take them to figure out it's the same stuff? LOL!

So no, I don't think you are overboard...

[lucyjoy]

I meaner then you. Not only would I not take him lunch, I would be asking for the list of places he plans to apply for jobs at. No 18 year old will be sitting around my house or hanging out with his friends and not having any responsibiliy. Then, of course, mine do tend to run off between 17 and 19.

He's way old enough to earn his own entertainment money and get his own food.

[kamamsm]

No you are not "overboard". You are on track. Just yesterday, I saw on tv a program on the news about how many children are "children" into their late twenties. Apparently the abundance of kids unable to understand responsability is now effecting the workforce. Employers are complaining. Parents have a job - its to teach their kids how to be adults. Life has consequences. You rock Indy.

[leenab]

Definately not overboard. Both of my sons make a "mean peanut butter sandwich", set the table and even get everyone a piece of fruit. They've even been know to make turkey & cheese sandwiches. So if they can do it at 4 1/2 and 5 yrs old (with their issues)I am sure your son can do it at 18.

[lostboys]

Indy, I have one boy doing independent living. We have created a contract, of what is expected of him. He has to work a certain amount of hours and if he is out of work for two weeks, he is to work those hours doing community service. Maybe something like that will work for you. My boys don't like working for no money, so that is an incentive to find a job.

[spitzlvr]

You are a terrible, horrible Dad, and I hope I can live up to your example as my son (3 1/2) grows.

[leaabc123]

Of course you are going overboard. At 18, you should still be wiping his butt for him after he goes to the bathroom. He is just a baby.
Not only should you bring his lunch to him but make sure his food is cut into teeny tiny pieces so he won't choke.

Ok, so pardon my sarcasm but if he doesn't learn responsibility now at age 18, when will he?

[Barksum]

Hey, I have a baby food grinder you can borrow....

Ok, it just struck me as funny. I have a wickedly nasty sense of humor at times. See, now I'm apologising because I feel guilty for laughing at the posts.

Seriously, though, you can do it now, at 18, or you can do it at 21...or 30...or 45...or, as is the case with one family member of mine, 58 or so. Wouldn't you rather have him doing all the difficult work of becoming an adult now vs. in 10, 20, 30 or 40 years?

My mom told me a story when I was about 7. She said one night there was this child. Some people came and grabbed this child out of his bed, raced madly to a huge building, tied him to a bed, knocked him out and and took a knife and cut open his abdomen. It was horrible, scary and terrifying!! Until you look at the other side and understand that his appendix had burst, they rushed him to a hospital and performed an appendectomy. Your son sees this right now as a stranger abuduction, not an emergency surgery to save his life. This is the cruel side of love, you know?

ROFL...I forgot the "out" in "knocked out" so had to edit. It was really funny without the out, though. Sheesh. I must be too tired.