[Indy]

Well, little RA has been with us for over 2 months. Remember him, my 8 year old?

I picked RA up from daycare last Thursday. The director was standing at the door (never a good sign). In his hand, he had a plastic baggy full of grass (not really pot, but it looked like it). I just had this feeling that he was there for me...

RA had set this bag up and had pretended to be a drug dealer. Ok...at this point I am trying to remain standing and pick up my jaw that is on the floor. What was I to say? Shock is not the word for it. Believe it or not, this is not one of the things I have had to deal with! That was probably one of the longest rides home for RA and we only live a mile and a half from daycare.

I sent him directly to his room. I needed some time to settle and determine how to handle this. I called and left a message for his worker. I asked her to contact his mother, as I wanted to know her thoughts. I know this is hard to believe...but the worker did not call me back! Go figure. I called my private agency and asked them to contact her. I told the agency that I have a meeting with the state director this week and now would not be the time for me to have a "bad" experience with a worker. I don't think the worker would want to be a topic of discussion with the state director. This is amazing...within 15 minutes, my state worker called me. She must have known I needed to talk to her. She told me that she had called RA's mother.

RA's mother did not call me until tonight. I think she was drunk. Her speech was staggered and she kept repeating herself. I told her what happened. She started crying. She went to prison for drugs. She told me that she is not living in a safe place and that if she can't move that she is going to leave RA with me.

Now the scary thing...she went on to tell me that RA was sexually molested at the age of 6. She told me that he made her promise not to tell anyone. I told her that I had suspected it, as I had noted a few signs that made me think it was a possibility. She has not told the state. I told her that she has to, as RA starts counseling in a couple of weeks. I am sure the doctor will figure things out. She is real good with kids.

As far as the light at the end of the tunnel...it was just another train.

[Jensboys]

Oh Indy I am so sorry.

I know you already know this, but he is just modeling what he knows. My 8 year olds pretend(ed) to be doctors and preachers and dads. An 8 year old isnt able to just "think up" being a drug dealer.

After talking with our boys bdad, he has relayed to us what his life was like at 8 or 9. Already, how angry he was, and how at that age, he already figured there was no other life for him than drugs. You are showing your fs how different things can be for him... he isnt going to forget his past overnight, or relearn possibilities of a new life.

Sounds like this little guy needed you

[tybeemarie]

Indy,

What a day! RA doing this says volumes about the environment his mother provided. And the sw not calling back--irritating. Glad you got a response. I bet much of the time, they figure, oh, it's Indy, he can handle this fine. And I am sure your insight routinely eclipses theirs. Isn't it exhausting and irritating to be the most clinically astute person involved with your foster child? Thank goodness he's got a good therapist. When we took our kids to the Child Study Center, I was so RELIEVED. AT LAST, someone who knows more about this than I do!

And I am very sorry to hear RA was sexually abused. It's one thing to suspect it, it's another thing to have that reality confirmed for you. Poor little guy!

I will say this for his mom: she recognized you were someone she could level with, and she recognizes that you are an awesome father who would take excellent care of her son. Obviously, you have treated her with courtesy and respect, or she would not react to you in this way. I really admire that.

It's easier for me to have sympathy for my children's birth mother, who made bad choices but ones I had some conceptual framework for: drug addiction, battered woman syndrome, anger management. She loved them and I believe loves them still and did some nice things for them. BUT, I've never met her or spoken to her on the phone. I don't know if that would make it easier or harder. (My children's extremely abusive foster parent, on the other hand, I have met, and it was only with LOTS of prayer that I reached a point of sympathy for her. More interaction with her would not help.)

Anyway, as always, I think you're a great dad. I think taking time to figure out your response to the fake drug dealing was a good idea. I am confident that you will find the right thing to do for this poor little guy. I sincerely hope he finds healing. He's in the ideal place for it!

[lucyjoy]

Well dad, guess you need to get out the toys and teach your son some new games!! Good you have been able to work with mom and get more info. The more you know, the sooner and better you can help this little boy heal. It's tough that we have to teach our kids stuff we never dreamed of. Most people don't think of having to tell an 8 year old that drug dealers go to jail and have no fun. Lets play Police officer or teacher instead.

Gotta wonder what that daycare guy was thinking. ON the good side, the boy shows imagination and the ability to make up his own games. He just needs a little guidence in that area.

[Barksum]

It's good that you are taking some time to de-escalate yourself. BTDT, only our Fs was a bit older. Continuing to show RA that you care about him is key, and so is consequencing at a developmentally appropriate level. This is all stuff you know...so just keep on keeping on! LOL

My first instinct is to suggest that you EXPLAIN to RA that there IS a problem, and to be sure he knows exactly what the problem is. As you know, his experience of the world may not have included the concept that dealing drugs and having bags of weed isn't a good thing. Discuss what things are different, and why things are different, at your house. (as appropriate) Explain why the daycare staff were not happy. Perhaps contact the daycare to see that they are on the same page with you. See, this is all stuff I know you've already done.

You mention that counselling will start soon, so much of this will also be dealt with as you go through the counselling process. Sounds like RA is in just the place he needs to be to have a chance in life.

I'm also pleased with how you were able to talk with the bio mom. This is good for RA, too. Even if he 'doesn't know' that you talked with his mom it will most likely come out over time, and that will only help your relationship between the two of you and the three of you. (RA, his bio mom and you.)

[kamamsm]

Indy- I mean, what can anyone say? That's just awful! But the truth is, we get facts as they come; we pick up the pieces of their little jigsaw puzzle lives. Don't you just want to strangle these demented monsters who subject these innocents to such horror? Hang in there our friend!