[waiting68]

My husband and I finally have a completed homestudy, and are hoping to adopt a waiting child. We have inquired about a couple of children that we have seen in photolistings. We have a 5 year old son, and would like to maintain birth order so that he will remain the oldest child. We are aware that most of the children waiting for "forever families" are older than 5, but we do know there are younger children as well. I would like to know if anyone else has had a situation similar to ours, and if so, how did you go about finding the perfect match for your family? We had considered trying foster parenting, but decided it wouldn't be in the best intrest for ourselves as well as or son. We wouldn't do well with having to say goodbye to a child we might grow a bond with. What should we do now? THANKS!!!!!!

[Roon63]

Hello to you and welcome to the exciting world of foster to adopt! I am an adoptive momma to 4, boys 9 and 6 and twins 4.

We adopted our oldest when he was 4, thru foster to adopt, (he was legally "free" as termination had all ready occurred). After a few years we decided to adopt again thru the state waiting children. Our son was 6, when we put the papers together.
We too, felt our oldest son, had been the oldest, and we wanted to keep it that way. We are glad we did! Two months, after our son turned 7, we brought home a 4 year old boy, and his 1/2 twin sisters, (11 months apart), who had just turned 4! This was an "at risk" placement, that bio mom had not been very good at appointments etc, and at the relinquishment hearing, she decided to terminate parental rights voluntarily.

Life was extrememly busy for a while, but having them so close in age is a great help! They play very good, once the oldest realized he wasn't parent #3.

[missw005]

Waiting 68,

It IS possible. However, the younger kids under 5 that are available do typically have bigger issues than some kids in foster care. Typically they're on the state photolistings because their fparents didn't want to adopt them, or there was no one in their county or surrounding area (they're offered the kids FIRST) who wanted them, either.

I got my oldest (who's now 6, and also, Roon 63, is struggling to realize he's not a parent, or my parent, or everybody's parent as he's got a major Napoleon complex and wants to be in charge of EVERYONE!!!) when he was 2-1/2 from NJ. I got my youngest (who's almost 4) when he was 1-1/2 from OR. But they have issues.

So you've got to figure out what you can live and deal with. Race, medical issues, behavioural, learning, developmental, etc. - but there ARE kids 5 and under out there. And I totally agree with the birth order placement - I know my son J couldn't deal with not being king of the roost. As for foster care, it's tough on your kid(s) when the others go back. Even with short-term stays like we do - 2 weeks or less - it's a lot to understand and deal with for the adults, let alone the kids!!! So not wanting to do fos-adopt is totally understandable.

If you'd like, let me know what you're looking for and I'll keep an eye out for you! There are lots of great photolisting websites out there, and some states have more kids under 5 than others. Feel free to PM me anytime!

Sandy

[crick]

Are you working with an agency at all, or directly through your state's social services dept?

I too, looked at the photolistings and inquired about a couple we saw. I was pretty overwhelmed though by it all and we then decided to go through an agency that could help us. The agency acted on our behalf, offered insight on the "code words" they use to describe the children i.e. "charming" can mean attachment disorders, and since our agency worked with several counties in our area and had a relationship with a lot of social workers. This meant when kids became available, our agency was aware of them before a lot of others and certainly before the kids made it to the photolistings. I liked using an agency because we had a caseworker who was with us every step of the way. Met the children with us, discussed her observations and pointed out things we might face and hadn't thought of, and even now after 3 years, we still have a relationship with her and I can call her for advice, therapists recommendations, or just to chat. For me, this really helped.

Sandy made a good point in that a lot of the kids on the photolistings can possibly be "hard to place" children that may have more issues & challenges than you might be comfortable with.

If you do go directly through the state services, hopefully there will be a social worker you can form a relationship with who will think of you when kids become available for adoption. I have heard though that a lot of the kids are first presented to foster families who work a lot with the social workers. Not always, but...

As far as the young ages...all of our kids were 5 and under and you'll find other parents who adopted children of those ages too. It is possible!
And of course even a 1 year old can have some issues, but along with everything else, you have to decide what kinds of possibilities you feel you can work with. Can you handle sexual abuse? drug abuse? Research everything and be honest with yourself. Don't say "oh, my child would never do that!" but instead think "IF my child does this, can I work with it?"

Keep doing your research and you'll hopefully reach a decision what route will work best for your family in finding your child.

[waiting68]

Thankyou for all of your replies. I could use all of the support and advice i can get at this point. We live in Idaho, and had our homestudy completed by the Idaho Youth Ranch adoption services. We had originally planned on doing a trans-racial infant adoption, but soon thereafter decided special needs adoption is what we wanted to do more than anything. Our SW (who is from Idaho Youth Ranch) has just said to look for a child that matches our criteria, and let her know. I am looking, but how often does a person who inquires about a child seen in a photolisting actually get the chance to adopt that child? I have tried and tried to contact the department of health and welfare here in Idaho, but it seems as though if i am not willing to foster, then it isn't a priority to return my phone calls. When I did speak to someone about this matter, she basically said most of the children in Idaho who are up for adoption are 8 and older. Can you see where my frustration lies???? We have a biological son, but due to health difficulties on my part, we are unable to have anymore, so this is my first adoption experience. I feel like I have no idea what to do now, and it seems I am having a really hard time getting anyone around here to help me out. We are looking for a boy or girl under the age of 4 (prefferably younger) or a sibling group of 2 both under 5. We would consider mild to moderate correctable health issues, and would consider a child/children who were drug/alcohol exposed prior to birth depending on the situation. We are trying to be realistic about this, and are aware of some of the issues we will need to deal with, although it isn't always easy. Please feel free to shower me with all of the advice you can. I could really use it!!! Thanks again!!!!!!

[missw005]

Emily,

I'm assuming you're looking out of state as well. I'm from Minnesota - which is like Idaho in having very few young kids that are available for adoption - most are adopted by their foster parents unless they're quite severe (medical, behaviourally, etc.)

Try www.comeunity.com/adoption/waiting/photolists.html
It's a linking website to group and individual state waiting child websites. There are others that are not well-known, in Ohio and Florida, who coincidentally also have younger kids. Ohio seems fine, but from personal experience, Florida is extremely difficult to work with. Also try www.mareinc.org - Massachussets also has younger kids. California does too, but they're difficult to work with. I found my youngest son on www.nwae.org which is a great group state website, and they have younger kids as well.

Good luck! PM me anytime. I'm always happy to help!!!

Sandy

[dadfor2]

waiting...s

sorry if this was mentioned, i didnt read all the responces.

one thing to know, alot of the 'younger kids' are not on a photo listing...alot of the 'yuounger kids' dont go to adoption parties...etc.

DSS's goal is to get the older children out of the system, so you will see alot of older. the older kids are considered 'harder to place' kids, due to issues or age

toddlers/infants are in higher demand and get adopted quicker...but they are out there.

keep on your agency...call other agencies and speak to other agencies...send your homestudy to other places....(dont count on the social workers doing that work for you....that has been our experience anyway)

they are out there, but you have to do alot of the foot work.

[MissyB9479]

I understand not wanting to foster but have you thought about just doing respite care? It will get your name out there with the social workers and you might end up meeting a child who fits with your family. It would be like being a foster family (with all the joy and pain) but just for a weekend or a few days. I know you said that fostering wouldn't be a good fit for your family but the good thing with just doing respite is that you know that come a certain time it is over. There's no worrying about court dates or TPR appeals or RU or anything like that.