[Indy]

Two of the neighbor boys told me tonight that my son JO (18) had been stealing from his employer. The amount is nearly a thousand dollars. JO has been caught twice at local stores shoplifting.

I called and spoke to his employer, informing him of what I had been told. The employer informed me that he was on to JO. He was going to notify the authorities. That was 30 minutes ago. I feel horrible...like my insides are coming up. I have never had to deal with the authorities. I get all shook up over a ticket. I haven't had one of those for over 4 years. I was "to chicken" to steal from stores when I was younger.

I feel guilty because I don't want JO in the house. He is a very bad influence on all of the boys. He needs to get out.

Any thoughts?

[lambeausam]

I truly believe there comes a point in each of our lives when we have to stand on our own and be responsible for our actions. It sounds like it is JO's time. I hope that he recognizes that his actions are not only immoral, but also illegal.

Best wishes,

Sam

[lucyjoy]

Just today I went to a meeting with my twins who were accused of stealing from work(one did, the other didn't but unfortunately, twins are often considered interchangable by people).

It is very hard to watch kids we've raised and loved make poor decisions. I've had to deal with police and courts quite a bit and I still feel panicked and devastated every time.

My 21 year old lived in a car at 19 because he chose to live in a manner that was not healthy for my other kids. It was tough, but I told him he could live here under my rules(legal rules) or he could live elsewhere by his own.
It was hard for me to do but I had to consider everyone concerned. At 21, he understands why I did what I did and we have kept a good relationship.

While it's our job to teach values to our kids, we cannot hold responsibility for the choices they decide to make.
I know for me, this has been a very tough lesson to learn.

[Indy]

He called me. He had walked over 3 miles home. As soon as he got into the car, he said that he was going to find another job. I said, "JO cut the crap, and tell me what is going on that I would receive a call from your employer".

The employer had called me to tell me that he had told JO to leave. JO was arrogant with him. The employer than spoke to the remaining employees. Several of them told him that JO had bragged about the stealing to them. The employer told me that he is pressing charges. I told him that I agree. It is time for JO to face responsibility. This is very bad...a possible criminal record and JO will lose his 4 year scholarship. I don't think everything has sunk in yet. JO is mad because the employer has made deals with other thieves. I tried to explain to him that those other deals are irrelevant. He is mad and angry. I was able to get him to admit that he stole the money. That was a step...but I see no remorse, only anger that he got caught.

Tomorrow, I will take JO back to the YMCA (see other post). Today was very peaceful and I was able to get a lot of work done without 10-20 phone calls from the boys. MA was sitting on the front porch when I got home. He had been there since 3. The boys did not let him in, as I had instructed them. MA went straight to his room and was very quiet the entire evening.

This is hard...when do I get to have fun again?

[lucyjoy]

Sometimes parenting just sucks.

Hang in there-the pain isn't forever.

[ericsmom98]

I know it's hard! Been there, done that with my stepson. He is 19 now and he will be getting out of rehab tomorrow....he was incarcerated from Sept to Jan and has been in rehab since Jan. I'm so scared that he will make the same mistakes again when he gets back into the real world. He will NOT be living with us...ever again. He just doesn't *think* before he acts. One big problem is that when he first started breaking the law at age 14, he was given too many chances and now he thinks his chances will never run out.

I do feel that JO needs to be held accountable for his actions. If not, he'll never learn.

And I totally agree with lucyjoy....sometimes parenting just sucks!

[Original Mike]

What a bad situation. Unfortunately, JO has made his bed and now he must lie in it. While this is agonizing for you as a parent, he is legally an adult and has been given two earlier chances.

Too often today, kids seem to have no fear of consequences. I call it the "no-fault society". Nobody is held accountable anymore. I have had "the talk" (no, not THAT talk) with both of my boys. I have told them that, if they ever get arrested, I will make sure that they are held accountable if they are guilty. I think they both understand; in fact, I know C is terrified of ever getting picked up.

Maybe this is what JO needs to wake him up. Thirty days in jail to give him some time to think might just get the message through to him.

You know where I am if you need to vent.

Mike

[aMarylandfamily]

And ... it hurts - hurts bad ... but as all these reliable posters have identified - you must let him be prosecuted and be held accountable ... no one can begin to understand the pain a parent feels when dialing the phone for the police ... knowing that they are opening their home to major scrutiny as well as stating "my kid is guilty" when you'd really like to shove it under the rug and pretend it never happened ... but if you do - you'll be in a worse scenario 6 months from now and the crime could be even more serious ... so hang in there - know you are supported, cared about and encouraged by all us here to be tough ... that toughness will someday be understood as love ... and know before this is done JO will hate you too - but it is a must.

Take a deep breath and if you find the "fun" again - cut me off a piece and send some here please!!!!

Always-

[Indy]

I want JO prosecuted. He needs to be held accountable for these actions. This is his 3rd time in 6 months! He is actually arrogant about being caught. He is mad at the employer for not accepting his $165 check to reimburse. The employer knows that JO has taken at least $800.

Thank you for all of your support! It is good to have some place to go and vent. Its' not like I can talk to friends at the club about this! I will just get a bunch of "told you so's".

Take care all!

[leaabc123]

I completely agree that he needs to be held accountable. It may also be time for him to leave the nest if he is being a negative influence.

You mentioned a four year scholarship, I assume this is referring to college. It is too bad that he will lose it but it sounds like he is not ready for a college environment at this time.

good luck Indy!

Anyway you could take a day off? On a weekend or something, send the younger boys off to friend's houses. Take a day trip by yourself somewhere?

[kamamsm]

Indy- You have my heart. Please know that this is his failure, not yours. I have heard you speak so many times on this forum. You are someone I look up to in child rearing. And you are the voice of reason for so many. We all have had points in our lives where we had to learn the hard way. And just think---- your other guys are sure going to see by this one's example what stealing gets you. No great problem without some tiny benefit. You are cared about.

[qs mom]

He definitely needs to be held accountable. But, I do have one other thing . . .

$800 - $1000 is alot of money. What has be been doing with it?

Is he blowing it on silly things - Game Boy's, game cartridges, girlfriends?

Or is there another problem under the surface - drinking, drugs, gambling?

I don't want to imply anything, but if there is another problem, he will need to be held accountable for that too, along with treatment/counceling or whatever for it.

[tybeemarie]

Indy,

I agree with your parenting decision 100%. How painful this must be for you! I think you are making the right decision for JO and for your other sons, who are of course watching and learning from JO's experience. You are a great dad!

[Indy]

I was home for lunch today. JO's former employer called and spoke to JO. He said he would accept JO paycheck from this week and the one that he has coming as compensation for what was stolen.

I stood there in disbelief. I decided that he was not getting off without knowing what was right. I commenced into a discussion with him. His other brothers were within earshot. I told him that I am disappointed. I told him that I wanted the police to arrest him, book him, and hold him until he posted bail. I went on to tell him that what he done was wrong and that no matter the amount, his actions defined him as a thief. I told him that his days of living at home were limited, given the path that he has chosen. He listened. I told him that the son that I adopted is not the one that stands before me now. That son is gone.


I told him that he has yet another chance to do what is right. If he cannot do it for himself or me, then do it for his girlfriend (of one year). I explained to him that he is defining the person and the life that he will live, whether good or bad. We closed with my telling him that if this happens again, he will have to find a place to live. I cannot allow him to continue living here and setting the example that he has so far. He understands clearly. I did not mince the words.

Please keep us in your thoughts.

[tybeemarie]

Wow! I cannot believe the employer is satisfied with so little! JO must be a very charming guy. I hope he doesn't believe every employer will be this sympathetic. It sounds like you have made a clear statement about your family's values. I have to believe that JO knows in his heart that what he did was wrong, and also that one day he will embrace the values that you have taught him. I am sorry that you must undergo this difficult experience. You have our support!