[wenrl]

Hello All,

We've had a lot of great changes since the last time I posted. There's one I'd like some advice on however.

After T. was adopted in April, I made a point of finding and contacting her birth grandmother who raised her and attempted to contact her mother, whom T. knows almost nothing about and cannot remember. I really wanted this for T. because I believe it will help her feel that we accept her entirely, past and present, birth family with problems or not. Also, I do not feel that these members of her family are dangerous or entirely to blame for T.'s removal. I have a lot of sympathy for them and all that they have lost and the problems they have had. Also, I know that T. will always love them and I want T. to feel a connection to them and know that they love her too. I want T. to be happy.

So, I sent letters with a return address to my brother's business P.O. Box out of state. T.'s birth grandmother and aunt responded almost immediately and were so grateful. I really feel that I did the right thing and that this will be good for T. In their letters they thanked me for contacting them and said that they had worried about T. everyday and missed her. They thanked us for loving T. and taking care of T. and adopting T. and giving them the opportunity to know how she is doing. They told us that they would leave the amount of contact to us, because we know what is best for T. but they would love to hear from her and her birth cousins would like to send her letters too if it's okay with us.

I think this will make T. so happy and relieve some of her worry. She often wonders if her grandmother is sick or dead. If her mother is in prison or sad or dead. I really want to share these letters with her and allow her to respond to them if she likes. We worry about several things though...

We just bought a house and are about to move to another town (4 miles away, a block from the town we live in now but still). We worry that this new information combined with a move will confuse or frighten her or cause some additional stress. Then I wonder if it will help her, because it is one last thing to worry her. She'll know that her grandmother is fine and loves her dearly.

I think about telling her everyday and really want her to know, but I don't know how or if it is the right time. Is there ever a right time? She's been with us a year and seems to be attached, but will this make her less attached to us because she'll feel conflicted or will it make her more attached, because she'll know we don't mind sharing her love with her birth family and want her to be happy?

Opinions?

[kay]

The right time? Hmmm, I would think the right time would be when you feel emotionally able to handle any possible backlash from her. I agree with the "no secrets" idea, and in encouraging contact with the birth family, as long as it's appropriate. The issue is that you don't have any idea how she'll react, so you have to be ready for anything. If I were about to move, adding another question/potential problem isn't something I'd want to take on - I'd wait until we were settled in the new place.

We have contact with my son's birth grandmother and siblings - extremely close contact with one sister. The birthmother, however, is another story, we have no contact at all. The social worker did give me a letter B-Mom had written to C, when she found out he was to be adopted - completely inappropriate, full of blame, shame and guilt - and a few pictures of herself. I copied the pictures and gave him the copies (he was into destruction at the time, and I didn't want him to ruin originals) - and put the letter and the original pictures in my safe deposit box. It's there for him, either when he gets curious about her, or when he turns 18. No secrets, really, just information he doesn't need/can't process right now.

This is pretty wordy, but I'm working my way around to saying that, if it were me, I'd wait awhile and get settled in the new place first. Congratulations on the adoption, and I do think the openness with the birth family will work out for the best!

[Volfe]

I think you need to understand that regardless your child will feel grief: pain, anger, upset, sadness over the adoption and her birth parents. She might not even tell you - sometimes kids keep it inside. I do think that telling her will bring an uprush of emotions for her, happy and sad. But not telling her wouldn't make the emotions not exist - wouldn't make them bubble up.

Personally, I think you should tell her.
Just say simply, I sent a letter to your grandmother (name) and aunt (name). They write back and are so happy. Would you like to draw them a picture to send them. And then deal with any and all questions that come forth.
She is in your family now - she will not move.
They are still a part of her family and love her greatly.
It is happy to hear from them and sad to have had to leave them.
People get sad at times like these. And happy.
Big hugs for her.

That is my honest opinion as a life thriver.


Maia

[momofmykids]

Hi,
I know my situation is different from yours because we got most of our children at a much younger age. However, we talk about their bmom, N, quite frequently. She calls on occasion and I always tell the kids that she called. (Our kids came through foster care and I went out on my own and found bmom). I think to do it in a matter of fact way, "that was N on the phone, she was just calling to check on you guys" or "which of these pictures would you guys like to send to N?" something like that makes the kids feel really comfortable and not so "different" because they're adopted and they don't feel like she is super stressed, either. Bottom line, if you act like it's a major thing, then they will, too, and, in my opinion, be more inclined to worry. If you just mention it like it was your sister calling to check in, then they don't see it as super serious.

I know our situation is a little weird (but it's the way we like it). My kids have no physical contact with N and they do not talk to her on the phone (she's way too unstable for that), but I really think it makes them feel good to know that she and I (and her sister) stay in contact with each other.

Just my opinion.

God bless!

[dadfor2]

hi wenrl

wow.....alot going on in your end.

i would defintily wait till you settle in your new home. when we moved, we had to prove that the boys will be coming with us also. they really never experienced that before, that when the 'parents' move, the kids come to.

ill never forget the day of the actual move...mind you, we did alot of rituals before the move.

we said a prayer at dinner and each talked about what we will miss about the old house and what we all were excited about with the new home

we each put something special in one box and packed it up, and that box was coming with us...

you get the idea...we thought we were all set until the day the trucks pulled up...

not what i anticpiated........my kids didnt want anything of theirs to go in the truck..they wanted to keep it with them...etc...it was a nightmare....

thats the backdrop of how unsettling a move can be for some of our kids.

now, to answer your question....as you know, we had to tell our sons about their siblings that we knew about.

what we did, to ease the blow, was these words...

"guess what, we have some great news for you, we found out that you guys have two other brothers...etc"

basically, we put a spin on it, the topic wasnt how we came to know, or when we knew, or who i talked to, or wrote to....

it was just that....good news.

it worked like a charm, the boys were thrilled......

i would suggest that when you guys settle in...you just might want to keep it simple as for her not to worry about where the information came from...

just say "l got some great news, your grandmother wrote us a letter"...and then read it. IF she asks questions, then answer them honestly.

i know what its like to have information for our kids about their birthfamilies, and we want to tell them everything we know (as long as its appropriate).....and then not telling them is the worst feeling.......I remember it was killing me on the inside.

i think you will know when its the right time to tell...but i would keep it a 'matter of factly...good news'

let her ask the questions.

anyway, thats my two cents, thats what we did, and it worked great...my older son had some questions, which was great, and we were able to answer them, on the ones we knew....

anyway, keep us informed on how it went.

[Jensboys]

I would tell her ... holding the information back can be interpreted as lying. Moving is a tough time for our kids -- but I think the letters will ADD to security rather than detract from it.

I think you know our story. Bfamily contact has been VERY healing for the boys -- for much of the same reasons you mention. They worried -- knowing I know they are ok and nothing bad happened to me by knowing them has been a good thing.

I would also start another thread about moving Our last move was EASY ... and I think we did some things differently which helped. Maybe others have ideas as well?

Jen

[aspenhall]

I would tell her pretty much the next time she brings it up, that you looked into it because you knew that she worried about it and that you found out x information. And you hope that this will make her feel better. 8 yrs old is pretty much able to handle stuff. I would tell her in advance about moving too, and suggest that after you get all moved in, maybe you can find out some more info for her.