[Original Mike]

Hi, All:

Sorry I haven't posted much for a while, but things have been busy here. J moved in with us on May 28th, right after his school year ended. He knows that he has the option of pulling out any time during the pre-adoptive phase.

I could tell that J was a little homesick for the first few days. he was quiet and kind of kept to himself. Now, however, he's really letting the defenses down and I'm really enjoying him. he really is a special young man.

J does have some attachment issues, but we can work on these. Sometimes, I think I've got a shadow. Unless he's downstairs in the basement family room playing XBox, he spends a lot of time with me. I can be on the computer and he'll be sitting on the floor next to me playing his Gameboy. Any errand I run, he wants to go.
J does not give affection, but will recieve it. Instead, he likes limited physical contact. For example, I can be sitting on the couch and he'll sit at the other end to play his Gameboy. Over time, he's laying on the couch with his feet over my leg. Or I'll be standing in the kitchen and he'll go by and gently slug my arm (it's a guy thing).

The saddest thing so far is how little J has. All of his posessions fit into two Rubbermaid tubs. Aside from his clothes (many of which were too small or frayed), he didn't have much else besides a Gameboy and a beat-up binder with some personal things in it. After he unpacked, there were only two personal items of his in the room: a poster that we had gotten at the Star Wars showing and a framed photo of he and I that he keeps on his nightstand.

He and C are still getting along fantastic. Most nights, I go to bed about midnight and they stay up for hours watching TV and talking. They're now talking about signing up for Karate lessons together. On June 20th, they both start summer jobs. C is working for a friend of mine's construction company and J will be interning in my office (since he's not a legal relative yet, I can hire him for the summer).

[missw005]

Mike,

That's great things are going so well for you and J!!! And C and he are getting along well, too??? What a deal!!!

It's sad what the kids come with. J's stuff sounds like my J's stuff when he came. His fparents sent a garbage bag and two duffel bags - but when I unpacked them at the hotel to repack them with my stuff, I found his fparents had stuffed the bags with old towels, so all of his stuff would have fit in just 1 of the duffels. And, for that matter, most of it was too small, too stained, or frankly, too ugly. It was ridiculous!!! And his fparents were being paid medically fragile rates, so they could afford it!!! Let alone getting a separate $$ amt. for clothing!!! And there was NOTHING personal of his - toys, stuffed animals - nothing. It was depressing.

It's shameful what some fparents do to these kids!!!

But now that J has you, those things can slowly and quietly be replaced. I'm so glad J has you and C in his life!!!!

Best of luck and a great summer to you guys!!!

Sandy

[ajjhmf]

That's great to hear, Mike! I've been thinking about you and wondering how things were going. I'm glad to hear he's letting his guard down. Hopefully things will continue to go well. I'm sad to hear that he has so little. But just remember that now he has what realy matters... a family.

Blessings,
Jenny

[kay]

Mike,

I'm so delighted to hear that things are going so well. I've been keeping the fingers crossed, and praying. It sounds perfect that he'll be interning in your office - sounds like he can't get enough of you, and that's wonderful. Congratulations!
--kay

[crick]

Mike - 1st - glad to see you've adapted so well to the nickname J and C gave you. Sith Lord...he he.

Sounds like things are moving along well and you are all taking the time to adjust. Keep us posted!

[tybeemarie]

Mike,

I am so glad things are going so well! I can just imagine him tracking you throughout the house, and tentatively working his way up to putting his feet up on your leg on the couch. It is very touching. His heart has really been broken so many times, it seems.

And C kills me. I am amazed at his generosity in sharing his Dad. And his kindness and attention to J is just so moving. What a great kid!

I will be glad when the adoption is finalized and J can really settle in. I am sure dealing with his batty social worker does not help matters at all. I am still annoyed at how she handled his feelings of insecurity about the move and allowed him to back out. I am so glad you are all together and he can get his bearings. He is so very fortunate to be with you and C. You are a great dad!

[riley6]

Hey Mike, long time no see. I came here today looking to see how you, dad2two and Anna are doing. Thanks for the update. I'm glad J decided that he wanted a shot at a normal, happy life. You're just the dad to give it to him. Congratulations to the both of you!

BTW, my almost 16 yr old is a very loving, caring kid, but he's not real affectionate. It's just the way he grew up, no hugs, lovie-talk, or kisses. He readily receives hugs, and comes to me before he leaves for school and goes to bed, to get a hug (bc he knows if not, I'll go search him out and give him hugs and BIG kisses!), but he usually doesn't initiate hugs. He has never told me he loves me, but SHOWS me in so many ways. That's what's important!

Congrats again!

[Barksum]

Happy you are all home together. Sounds like you are doing well. Looking forward to more updates.

[Kerbchek]

I've also been wondering how things have been going. I'm glad to hear the transition is going well. Once he gets working, earning money, and making new friends, he'll never want to pull out and move back. I'll be anxious to hear further updates!

[Original Mike]

Well, J's placement oficially transferred from "extended visit" to "Pre-adoptive" last Friday. We had a great weekend. Then the other shoe dropped on Monday night.

After I came home from an evening meeting, J informed me that he just wasn't happy here and wanted to go back to Ohio. We talked for over an hour, but his mind was made up. He told me that he was calling his worker Tuesday to tell her to move him.

Well, I know that J sleeps tilll noon every day, so I had some time yesterday morning to call his therapist/ case supervisor. Ed and I talked and he told me that this was most likely more of J's attachement difficulties surfacing and that we shouldn't take his word. Ed was going to call J's worker right away and tell her that there is no reason to disrupt at this point. Ed also told me that J's old foster parents have already filled his place with another boy, so he can't go back to them. The only place they have for him now would be a group home setting unless a bed opens somewhere.

Well, J called his worker yesterday afternoon but just got VM. Ed also called J to talk to him. Ed told him that he needed to give this placment time and that he could not return to his old FPs because they had taken another boy. This got no reaction from J apparently.

Well, I got home last night after work and they boys were goofing around like normal. J told me that he had called his worker. My response was "OK, just let me know when you're moving." After I got the bos supper (some bad Kung Pao at lunch had my stomach upset) I decided to lay down on the coch and the boys decided to walk up to the video store to rent some movies. At some point, I feel asleep and woke up about 11pm. I called J up from the basement family room to take his night meds. He came up and took them. I wished him good-night and started to head upstairs. I purposely did not hug him good-night as I usually do. Well, J called after me "Mike, don't you want a hug?" I said "That's up to you, J." Much to my surprise, he came up to me and hugged me.

In short, I don't know what's going to happen here. My worker and I's plan is that if he insisist on moving until the weekend, we call his worker on Monday and say "come get him". All I know is that I don't know what happens next.

[kay]

Mike,

Ouch. It was to be expected, but it's still gotta hurt. Just from what you've said about J, it sounds like you shouldn't take him at his word, but if you can, should hang in there with him. He's scared, and doesn't see the big picture at all - that's up to the adults. He knows about the change in designation to "pre-adoptive"? That may be freaking him out. I hope that his worker will see that and be supportive (more supportive than she's been so far!) I really believe (as much as I know, from a distance, and not knowing any of you!) that he belongs in your family, and if he's given the time and support to go through his "stuff", things will work out fine.

A heavy sigh, and continued prayers.

--kay

[kllee4]

Just wanted to say that I am sending positive thoughts and prayers your way that all will work out fine and that he decides that it's time to stop running and take root where he is loved and really wanted. Kudos to you for doing everything in his best interest, even for deciding to let him go if that's what he wants. I'm hoping, for you, that he feels the security that a forever family will provide!

[Original Mike]

Well, things get "curiouser". J's worker called me today to go over some paperwork glitches we're having as well as to discuss his newest flip. The therapist called her yesterday and told her that we shouldn't over-reract to this.

I asked her when she was going to return his call. Turns out, he NEVER called her (or at least did not leave any VM). She and I are starting to think he's really trying to play us against eaxch other. She thinks that he's starting to feel an attachment to me and his is scaring the heck out of him, given his attachment issues.

Again, we shall see how this all plays out.

[Jensboys]

So Mike are you feeling like a yo-yo yet? Up and down up and down?????

Thinking of you all!!!

Jen

[lucyjoy]

From an attachment standpoint, the child's been given too much power and is using it to retain control. Triangulation is all too common when allowed. I'd let the boy know that all the adults are communicating and if it were me, I would, with the therapists assistance, remove some of that power from him. He very much needs the adults in his life to be in charge. It sounds like you handled things calmly and so very much the way he needed you to.

And stealing from Jen-nothing like felling like a yo-yo.