[Katey]

As some of you may know, we were supposed to adopt teenage twins from another state. Long story short - after 10 months and many visits, the foster mom decided within days fo the "move-in" date that she changed her mind and will adopt. So now our SW is discussing other in-state possibilities with us. I guess people who insist that they want to adopt siblings and that they be at least 12 and over may be a little difficult to find.

Anyway, when we started all this, my 19 year old, C, was finishing his freshman high school year at The Gow School in NY. It is a college prep program for dyslexic boys. He has severe dyslexia. We also have another boy M (now 22) and a girl J (now 25). They all live at home now (also work and attend college).

Sooo, back then, the school psychologist had insisted that we only consider girls out of concern that C might feel like we were sending him away to school and getting a replacement. We went along and DH wanted to consider girls because he has grand illusions that they all a very quiet like J. (except she is only nice for daddy - screaches at will at mommy, kind of typical)

OK, here is the deal. We have a kind of huge house. There is a bedroom set up with white furniture and 2 beds (sisters?). There is another bedroom we have used for storage in the past that we just started cleaning out and have a bed with the thought of "extra". Agency, keeps gently telling me that we would be perfect for a sib group of 3 teenagers, 2 girls and 1 boy. I am all for is (Catholic schools can make you a glutton for punishment LOL) especially if it keeps sibs together. Any suggestions on how I present this to DH (married 28 years) without blowing his mind?? Guys - you know better than me how a guy thinks, what is the best approach?
Can't wait for the great advice!!
Hope your summers are starting out great.

[Indy]

Ok....first of all, I would challenge the decision of the caseworker to allow the foster family to change their mind within days of move-in!!!! Especially after 10 months of visits!!! I think you actually would have more "legal" rights than what you were given.

Just remember that all the following is advice and should not be considered the end all solution. It should be noted that I am divorced and try not to make recommendations about how to deal with a spouse.

That being said...how to break it to the "hubby" about 3 teens...wow. Hmmm. Is he as interested in adopting as you are? That will play a lot into the situation. If he is ok with two, three may not be a looong stretch. If I were you, collect all the information that you can. Try to research as much as possible about the issues that the children may have. Make sure that your personal finances can support three more. That is one of the things I do, as teenagers eat like there is no tomorrow. Mike will agree with that!

Then find a quiet evening, with a beautiful sunset. Then POUNCE on him! I'm kidding!! I would then pull out your stack of papers and give him one child at a time, until you get to three.

One thing to remember, mixing children in a family is tricky. I got very, very lucky. Bio brothers and sisters have this "yuck" thing when looking at each other in any way except as siblings. Non-biological adopted brothers and sisters may not. I am not sure I would want to figure out the ramifications of an adopted daughter and an adopted brother getting married. I think I would get lost trying to figure out who was whos aunt/uncle/cousin.

Anyway, I wish you luck and keep us posted on what happens.

Take care.

[rindava]

but I have to tell you if the kids have been sexualized at a young age or sexually abused together, that yuck factor just isn't there, which is the case of a lot of the foster kids I have known....

Katey adopting 3 teens would be hard, they most likely would have been through so much......I think your other son would be understand at 19 though.....Just come right out and ask your husband I guess...

[Indy]

Once they have suffered those types of abuse, the boundries would most certainly be different.

My post was in relationship to when I was looking for son #7 on the internet. JA (19 at the time) was looking with me. He saw a cute young teenager and asked "why can't we adopt a girl, she's cute?" Hence, my post.

[tybeemarie]

Hi! We got a placement of 3 siblings, but they were elementary school age--6, 7, and 9. I have not attempted teenagers--good for you for wanting to adopt teens! I think one advantage is that at that age I would expect some of the idealizing of birth parents might change and the teens might actually appreciate being part of an adoptive family. But, I don't have to sell you on the idea, clearly!

And really, I don't think you'll have to sell the husband on it too much, either. If you're willing to adopt 2 teens, really one more is not a huuuge stretch. The big difference is that you're outnumbered, of course. It is nice when due to one kid being after school for practice of some kind, we are down to 2, it's a lot easier. But I can't imagine being without one, really. And, as Indy noted so practically, it is obviously more expensive to have 3.

The individual kids and their profiles will be the most persuasive argument, I would think.

I also agree with Indy that a social worker who blocks an adoption after 10 months (!!!!!!!!!) of visitation is out of their mind. What a terrible thing for you and the kids. Someone who's had the kids a long time without adopting, then decides they want to adopt because you do--well, I don't know that that is a decision that will last. With our 3, their former foster mother had them for 3 and a half years, then decided she wanted to adopt after we did. We also got tossed, only to have the placement with the foster parent blow 4 months later, we get 3 hours notice, and they were placed with us. So, you might want to check that the twins really will be adopted.

[Wanting2help]

I wouldn't give up on the twins just yet if I was you. after 10 months you kinda owe it to them to try and fight a little, don't ya think?

Now let me try to answer the hubby issue, this may be a little devious but you could just tell him that you have found two more children that seem to be perfect for you two (show him the pictures), then tell him that the agency is going to break up a sib group of three in order to place them (you could leave the most precious one out as the third) and show him all three and tell him that you would feel very bad about splitting them up though, but if the agency has no other options that they really want to get them placed.

Or you could just tell him it is what you want, don't women get what they want anyway? you all do have those alluring smiles and sad eyes that are sooooo convincing.

Good Luck

[Katey]

Thanks for the great advice everyone. You definitely gave me some fantastic ideas.

The complication with the twins is that they are in Ohio and I am in California. The SW they have now, just came onto the case about 2 months ago and has some really strange ideas of the appropriateness of California. DH and I think she was looking for a reason to break the match. Also, the Foster Mom let it slip that the SW talked to her after the last visit out here and explained that they were not going to live "on the beach like everyone else in California" and that she would probably never hear from them or about them again. The SW told her not to trust me when I told her that I would make sure she got news of the girls even if they stopped communicating.

Once Foster mom paniced over this - the rest was easy for the SW. We have not been told to send their stuff back (clothes, stuffed animals, etc left here) and we are not doing anything about it. Maybe a miracle will happen, but with the distance and a SW sending panic into the people over there, we feel it is most healthy to start the research process again.

It is nice to know that we are not the only people who believe that this was a travesty for the girls.

Thanks for the ideas and kind words.

[Wanting2help]

I had my 9th MAPP meeting last night and we had visitors there. one was an adoption SW and she told us point blank that if we have problems with our CW's not returning calls or being concerned with our own concerns towards the childrens best interest we should call her Supervisor and if her supervisor does not return our calls to call that persons supervisors. she siad that everything we all do is for the children and all personel interest has to go out the window. she also said she would probably get into trouble with co-workers for saying all of that but it is the children that matters.
My point here is, call her supervisor and discuss the issue. if the foster family did not want to adopt before what makes you think they will not regret it later, and then who gets hurt?

THE CHILDREN

[Katey]

OK - this gets a little messy, so I might need a little slack.

The match was chosen "by committee" last October 7, 2004

Around November - the therapist that was working with the children since 2/2003 relocated to a different state and left the case.

Since March, 2005
The original Social worker left
The original social worker's supervisor left
The original social worker's supervisor's section manager left
The Guardian ad Litem for the twins left

The person assigned now expressed concern about a placement in California in general as early as January of this year so from our standpoint was a bad choice, but since she knew them better than anyone (had met them at a match picnic that the girls did not remember) she was assigned to finish out the match. Now there is nobody left that knows the girls better than her (except, of course the foster mom of 2.5 years and us, but we do not count). Going up the chain of command is going to a bunch of people with no history, and I have learned that the new section manager was hired "from outside" causing some supervisor moral issues.

As far as changing minds, the fost mom wanted to adopt all along. Foster dad said no-way. Foster dad appeared distant from girls in our interactions which we figured is why they were always more interested in talking to DH (is Daddy there?) on the phone - looking for a healthy father figure.

I my experience, social workers get away with doing a LOT of damage to kids in the system cloaked in the excuse "for the good of the child".

O what a tangled web we weave. ...

[Barksum]

Wanting2Help, I just had to laugh. Cynically, not humorously. We were also told about following up, being "aggressive" in getting our needs and the needs of the children met, etc. and et al at our initial training classes. This is a wonderful theory, and I'm sure that it might actually even work sometimes. However, if you do follow proceedure you have to be willing to deal with the consequences. Been there, done that.

Now I'm very cautious about what I choose to pursue, and when. Will it make any difference to the child in daily life? Can another professional be persuaded to take up the cause so that I'm not in the middle? (this is for foster placements, and adoptive placements before they are finalized) I'm not saying "never", but to just proceed slowly and with caution.

[Katey]

The agency had the ages "a little" wrong. LOL. We have asked to place with children 12 and over. Originally, I was told that one of them may be under 12. OK.
Final report was ages 6, 9, and 10!!! We are moving on. This kids look wonderful though for the right family.