[leenab]

I just don't know how you single dads do it (Indy & Original Mike) (and others if you're out there). I'm a stay-at-home, homeschooling mom with a DH who travels every week during the week, so he's gone M-F (started 3 months ago and expected to last for years).

How do you manage everything and have time for yourself? and do people look at you like you're crazy?

We're waiting to add another child to our family, making it 3 children and possibly even a fourth at the same time. And I swear most people look at me like I'm either mother theresa or ready to be committed.

Any ideas to make time for me. DH is really great at making time for himself, but I want ME TIME!

Thanks,
LeenaB

[Original Mike]

One of the main reasons I only consider teenage boys as placements is that they are somewhat less labor-intensive (no diapers, they can fed themselves, etc.) I simply could not do a young child.

he hardest thing for me as a single dad is trying to budget my time. Each night, I have a list of things I try to get done. I also make sure that C and I have time together at supper and then for a while later. Even if its just watching a movie, we have time.

It also took me a long time to realize that my house did nto have to be perfect. So the laundry stays in the dryer until morning. What of it? So the living room furniture didn't get dusted until the weekend. Martha Stewart and Bob Villa do not live in my home.

One quote a friend of mine recently sent really made me chuckle:

Raising teenaged boys is like taming wild animals. Doing it on your own is like going into the cage bare-handed.

That's about right.

PS: As for the first part about being seen as crazy, they've told me that even before I got my boys.

[Indy]

I also stick with the "older ones". They can take care of themselves, and they actually look forward to dad's night out...because they get rid of me!

The only thing I differ with Mike, is my obsession with cleaning...LOL! I had to hire a lady to come in twice a week to clean. Martha can come over now...she is free (and richer!). Hey Mike...is she single? Wonder if she likes kids? Lots of them? Hmmmm....

[lambeausam]

Indy - I don't think Martha would do well in a large family setting. She strikes me as the type of person that makes you wait for the cookies to cool before removing them from the pan. Anyone with a large family knows that if you wait for that to happen, you won't get any cookies!

LeenaB - I wished you could talk to my mother. My dad was a weekend husband for 10 years. They still have a wonderful marriage and the three of us kids didn't seem to suffer from it. One important thing to try to do - make sure each of the kids gets his/her own time alone with dad. Also, keep the week's worth of school papers and artwork in a folder so that he can see them each weekend. Try to keep weekend activities minimal. You need time together as a family.

Sam

[merrymelodies]

I have no personal experience with this since I'm not even a mom yet, but the title of this post made me think of a friend on another board. She and her husband have 7 children, ranging from 4-17 yo. 5 of them were adopted from Russia w/ special needs (cleft palate, missing an ear, etc.) Her husband is a commercial airline pilot so he is gone during the week. She said today that she has been to 23 dr's & therapy appointments in the last 28 days. The children have had at least 3 surgeries since December.

I have no clue how she does it! I am in awe everytime I talk to her.

[Original Mike]

But I really think a white-collar crimal genius (who can bake cookies yet!) would feel more comfotable with this Dark Knight than a Boy Scout like you. it's much more fun on the Dark Side!! I think Carol Brady might be more to your taste. LOL

Back to reality, we also had a housekeeper until early this year when she had to leave us due to her being n the middle of a very difficult pregnancy. I may hire a new one later this spring.

[kay]

When everything's going smoothly, being a single parent isn't that tough - you get a routine going, and just go from thing to thing to thing. The kicker is when sickness hits, and yet life goes on. That gets to be tough. I've had flu/bronchitis/whatever for a week now, and have felt like I'm dancing around the edges of my normal life. Get C up and around for school, then go back to bed, fix him dinner at night, deliver him to baseball practice, then have someone else drive him home, get him to church, then have someone else drive him home. Fortunately he's been cheerful and semi-helpful during this time, but he doesn't yet look at the house and just see that something needs to be done - I have to be awake and reminding. A housekeeper sounds wonderful at this point, I don't care if it's Martha, or Mr. Clean! Maybe I'll indulge during Spring Break.

(And you know, I keep saying that I can't imagine doing this all with more than one kid, but I'm sure it's exactly like I just said - only adding layers of busyness. I still admire you guys.)

[leenab]

I'd really like to add an older child, actually an 8 yr old girl that we know. But DH is afraid of the older children, not quite sure why. (he just says older children have more problems.) More problems is pretty much a cop out because Raj came with a lot of issues (delays, ADHD, SID, Asthma, anxiety issues.) Om was pretty easy with "just"adjustment disorder and attachment issues, LOL. But they're finally getting to the easier age range. They're 4 and almost 5, so they help out a lot around the house. Way more than DH does.

As it stands we're waiting for a 2-4 yr old girl. I'm really hoping for closer to 4.

Anyway the cleaning lady is an awesome idea. I'll have to talk DH into one.

I think part of the weekend problem is that DH brings work home on the weekends. So we try not to plan to much excpet for a dinner out.

-LeenaB
PS....Any Dads want to post reasons to take older children so DH can see other Dads have been successful when adopting and bonding with older children.

[Barksum]

We have adopted young children and my DH does shift work, so is rarely home, or is asleep, at the pivotal times of the day. (early a.m. rush hour; bed time chaos) I know that this is not the same as having him being gone altogether, but there are times that it sure feels that way! Especially when we have multiple dr. appts and/or we're not well. We also foster parent, so there are time when I have more children than is sane. (we currently have 5 kids; 12, 6, 3, 3 and 18 months)

Having a routine is key. Using paper plates, using the crock pot, cooking double amounts and freezing half for future meals, limiting out of the house activities, having a detailed shopping list, and just using any time saving or organizational tricks I can find. (Google for FlyLady)

Making a mental allowance for not having the house be the way it was when it was just DH and myself. So I'm now never behind with the laundry! AMAZING! This doesn't mean that there isn't laundry waiting to be done. Rather, I just know that there will always be a minimum of 3 more loads to be done on any given day. (I guffawed when I read that Mike's laundry might sit in the dryer overnight. Mine sits in the washer, dryer and the clean laundry baskets for multiple nights!! It eventually gets folded and finds a home...or gets worn right out of the basket!) I used to do ALL the laundry at once. That will probably never happen again - at least before the kids leave home.

Dust is no longer an enemy, but a multi-tasking friend. It is a wonderful teaching tool; my children are able to use it to do tactile writing, wonderful for sensory integration issues and kinesthetic learners. After writing in the dust they can get the rag and dust that piece of furniture! I think of the Karate Kid movies. You know - "Wax on, wax off."

It is all in the perspective you choose to have, and I must admit that mine is probably a bit wack-a-do. Sigh. I'm just tired of being defeated, so am choosing to change my focus. If the kids are polite and listen to instruction but wear the right-foot cowboy boots from two obviously different sets of boots, well, that just shows that I have a list of priorities for 3 year olds, and matching clothing is at least #2 on that list.

I also have outside support. I have friends with whom I chat on the phone, because there are days that I don't get to talk with other adults otherwise. I also have teenaged nieces who are willing to come over and watch the kids or help me clean for a nominal fee. (I'm so thankful, otherwise it could be a big financial issue for us.) Forming friendships with other mothers who are willing to exchange babysitting is helpful, too. I've had a babysitter so that I can shop alone at times or out for a date with my DH. Finding alone time usually boils down to the kids having an early bedtime and doing things in the quiet house after they go to sleep. Not exciting, but do-able on a daily basis.

Oh, the other thing I do is limit the number of appts. that I plan each week. We do have times that we get a traffic jam of appts in a few days, but I'm getting better at saying no, and/or rescheduling the less pressing appts.